I was too surprised by what Sarah said to realize they were actually there, seeing and hearing everything.
Even thought it surprised me to hear it out loud, I guess I always kinda knew it. I just wanted to convince myself that it was just my imagination. It was easier to deny it than letting it burn my head.
While she was crying in my arms, I realized how crazy I went when her mom told me she had been in an accident. My mind went blank and I didn't even let Maria finish her sentence. I didn't even try to get Mike. I just fled without thinking of the consequences my behavior would have.
I should have been rational. I should have waited for Mike. I shouldn't have left her like that. But the only thing I could think of at that moment was Sarah.
They were both there, standing at the room's door, looking at us. Mike just stared at us with an empty gaze. Like if he already knew it. But I guess he already did. Fuck me, he knew it all along and I always did my best at ignoring it.
Lya though... Lya's eyes were widened. She was looking at me with that questioning eyes, like if she waited for me to contradict what she saw. But I couldn't... I couldn't do anything. I just froze on the spot. And I guess she eventually understood. That's when I saw that expression in her eyes. Some expression I wished I never saw.
Mike took her away. I guess that was for the best. I couldn't deal at the moment. I needed to process one thing at a time and for now my priority was Sarah.
"Hey... You should sleep a little."
"No... Stay..."
I looked at her and saw her begging puffy eyes imploring me.
"Alright... Lay down..."
I laid on the bed next to her and hold her against me until she finally fell asleep. I could feel her small and fragile body shaking against mine. It felt like she had lost some weight since the last time I held her that way. She was already skinny but she felt even thinner now.
I tried not to think about what she said earlier. My head was already a mess and I didn't want to give it too much thoughts. But the sound of her weak and shaky voice repeating theses three words again and again kept echoing in my ears. What the fuck was I supposed to do?
Her mom came back an hour later. She explained me that she was coming back from the grocery store when she crossed the street without looking and got hit by a van. It was apparently a dark street and she crossed outside of the crosswalk. The driver didn't see her coming. The hospital called her to let her know what happened and she immediately came. Doctors said that she was lucky and just had a few bruises. She broke her tibia though and was given surgery immediately. She would have to wear a cast for 5 weeks but that was nothing major.
I decided to let her sleep and left her with her mom. It was time for me to head home. Even though I knew I would have to face the hardest part. I wanted to see her. I wanted to explain her. But what was there to explain? I didn't even know what to say...
I was in a fucking bad situation. A messy one. Even if I didn't do nothing wrong at the hospital, I still let her down at the party.. What the hell was I thinking?
The taxi dropped me off at the residence. It was already 4:30 am. The dark sky was slowly getting lighter and morning birds were starting their usual singing. Was it a good idea to go see her? She might be sleeping... But I really needed to see her. I really needed to make sure she didn't misunderstood anything. She was probably mad. She probably didn't want to see me. But how could I just go home and sleep?
I knocked at her door once. No answer. I knocked a second time... Still no answer... Yeah, she was probably sleeping. So I just went home and laid on my bed, closed my eyes and tried to empty my head of all those thought that kept rushing until I eventually fell asleep.
I woke up with a massive headache. It took me a few minutes to get situated and recall what happened the night before. I took my phone to check at the time. Phone was dead . I gathered all my strength to get up and plug it to the charger. As soon as it turned on, a whole bunch of notification arrived all at the same time.
Among a few texts from people I knew, I noticed one from Mike.
'We need to talk bro'
Yeah... I already knew that. I was browsing through the over texts received looking for one from Lya. But there was none. As I thought, she was probably mad at me. Damn it.
I took a quick shower and quickly got dressed before immediately heading to her place. I knocked once... No answer. I knocked twice. Still no answer. Where the fuck was she?
It was 11 am and maybe she was still asleep. But whatever... I really needed to talk to her.
I tried to call her phone but I landed straight on voicemail.
"Lya" I called through the door. But nobody answered. Where the fuck was she?
Anxiety gradually grew in me. What if something happened to her?
My phone vibrated. I received a text from Sarah.
'Thank you for staying last night. I will be discharged tomorrow. Can you please come today?'
I just left. What else could I do? As much as I wanted to speak to Lya, I had no idea where she was. Maybe she was still asleep... Maybe she was just out somewhere... The only thing I knew was that I had no way to reach her.
Sarah was reading a magazine when I entered the room. As soon as she saw me, she put the magazine down and shyly smiled with an embarrassed look on her face.
'I love you Tom'
I shook my head off to chase this memory. Now was not the time to think about it.
"Hey there" I said while stepping inside and sitting on the chair next to her bed. "How are you feeling?"
"Like crap" she said while softly passing her fingers on the left of her forehead. That's when I noticed the massive bruise there.
"Damn... Does it hurt?" I asked leaning forward to see it from up close.
"A little... Don't touch it"
I didn't notice it the night before. Actually, I didn't notice all the scratches on her face and arms. I slowly took her face in my hands and inspected all the cuts she had.
"It's not that bad"
She looked at me and I suddenly realized how close my face was to hers. I instantly backed up to my original position on the chair.
"I hope so..."
"Where's your mom?"
"She had a meeting with a client. She'll be back later"
"Ok"
I looked at her face, blushing. She was obviously embarrassed and I was not comfortable myself.
"You really scared me, you know?"
"I... I'm sorry. Trust me, I was scared too"
"So... Tell me what you remember..."
She explained me she was walking in the street and crossed while checking at something on her phone and that's how it happened. She eventually ended up by relaxing. At the end, she spoke to me normally and didn't bring up what she said the night before, which was a relief. I was not ready yet to deal with that.
After two hours talking, I looked at my phone to check if Lya tried to call or text me. But she didn't. I was really starting to worry now.
"Hey, hum, I gotta go now. But I'll come see you tomorrow. Ok?"
She looked at me with sad eyes. "Yeah, sure"
I really didn't want to leave her alone but I seriously needed to hear from Lya.
"Get some rest" I said before leaving.
I rushed back to the residence and immediately went to her place. No matter how hard I knocked at her door, she was still not answering. I tried to call her again and again but her phone was still off.
I was really anxious. My head was full of "what ifs" and I couldn't wait any longer.
The last person who saw her was Mike. And even through I was not ready to deal with him yet, I had no other choice.
"Hey..." I said when he picked up.
"Is she alright?
"Who?" I asked, confused.
"Sarah... I'm talking about Sarah"
"Yeah... She alright. Listen bro, what you saw last night..."
"That was nothing that I was not aware of already. I been telling you, but you kept denying it..."
I knew all that... And I really didn't want to talk about it yet. That was not the reason of my call.
"Do you know where Lya is? I been trying to reach her but she doesn't seem to be home and her phone is off"
"No... She left a couple hours ago"
I froze at his answer.
"What do you mean she left? Was she at your place?"
"Yeah... She kinda dozed off when I wanted to drop her off so I took her to my place."
"... Why?"
"Seriously? Man, do you realize how fucked up that scene was? I already knew it so it was nothing but a visual confirmation for me. But her? She had no idea. And you didn't do nothing. You didn't even try to explain her anything. She was in shock, bro"
Hearing it from him made what I did seem even more messed up. I never meant to act like that. I was just unable to think and didn't realize my selfishness could hurt her.
I went back home and tried to think of where she could have went. If she wanted to hear from me, she would have called. Maybe she just needed some space... There was nothing I could do anyway.
Exhausted by that day, I fell asleep to only wake up a couple hours later.
It was already dark outside. She was probably home now. I took my phone and composed her number. It was ringing this time. She picked up.
"Hello?"
"Damn Lya, I tried to call you all day, where the fuck were you?"
"Uh? Oh... Sorry, my phone died last night. I kinda fell asleep in Mike's car so he took me to his place and I went to see Chloe this afternoon so I couldn't charge it"
She was speaking so normally... How weird!
"Where you at?" I sighed.
"On the roof. I felt like taking some fresh air"
"Alright, I'm coming"
"Ok"
Nothing! Nothing seemed different in her way of speaking. I immediately ran to the rooftop where she was sitting on one of the long chairs.
She saw me coming and greeted me with a huge smile. Something was definitely not right...
"Hey... What you doing here? It's too cold to chill out"
"I like the cold. Feels good sometimes"
I sat in front of her and looked at her face. She didn't seem mad at all.
"Damn you. Do you know how worried I was? Been looking for you all day!"
"Aww, sorry! I just couldn't charge my phone!" She laughed.
Why was she so normal? Wasn't she supposed to be mad at me?
"How's Sarah?" She asked
"She... She's alright, I guess. Just a bone fracture. She just has to wear a cast for 5 weeks. No big deal"
"I'm glad. How did it happen"
"She... Hum... She crossed the street without looking."
"Oh wow. I know her mom must have been scared..."
"Yeah..."
Why? Why was she acting like everything was normal? Why wasn't she mad at me for my shitty attitude? Was she pretending?
"Hey... Ahem... About last night..."
"Mike was scared too. I don't know how he even managed to sober up so fast when he was pretty fucked up at the party" she laughed again.
Did she just cut me off to avoid me bringing up the subject? It sounded like it anyway. No... Her smile was not right. Her behavior was not right. I couldn't just avoid the subject and act like nothing happened. I needed to make things right.
"Lya... I..."
"So she's been in love with you all along uh?" She asked with a smile, leaving me speechless. "That was a shock to me, I'm not gonna lie... Did you know?"
I looked at her thinking I would see in her eyes the same expression I saw the night before but no. She was just her normal self.
"I don't know... Maybe I did... I guess I was suspecting it at some point without thinking it was true"
"Oh... I see..." She nodded.
A silence settled for a few seconds.
"Listen, I'm sorry I left you last night. I guess I kinda freaked out and just didn't think"
"It's ok... I understand. I mean, I freaked out too. Sarah is my friend too and I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to her"
"Y-yeah"
Why did everything about this conversation feel so wrong? I wanted to take her in my arms and kiss her, tell her that I was sorry for the asshole I had been the night before. But something kept me from making a move. All I could do was sitting there and look at her, trying to figure out what was going on in her head.
After a long minute of silence she started laughing again.
"Argh! I feel so stupid. All along I thought I knew you better than anybody but I just realized I actually don't know anything..."
What she said surprised me.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, I was really blind for not seeing it. Why getting a fake girl to convince everybody of something you didn't have to justify yourself about? I mean... why going to that extent to prove them you don't like that girl... I never thought about that, you know. But now I understand... So... Let's stop this nonsense between us"
My whole body froze. Did I hear it right?
"W-what?"
"I lied earlier. I didn't go see Chloe this afternoon. I went to visit Sarah. I spoke to her about what she told you last night. She really loves you, you know? She felt bad because Mike and I heard it... She was so wrong... You know what make me feel bad? The fact that it's been years that this girl loves a guy that she can't get and the fact that I was playing the fake girlfriend all along under her nose when it actually hurt her really bad."
I was smashed under the shock. "But what does it has to do with us?"
She smiled, softly and sighed. "Because you love her too, Tom. We only met because you were trying to prove your best friend you were not interested in his ex, when you were really trying to convince yourself. I understand how important she is to you... I do. But I don't want to be the one in the middle of you two"
"Lya..." I tried to cut her off but she didn't let me finish.
"We were just kicking it Tom. We both know you're not in love with me. We were... Just having fun. But you have this beautiful woman who you always wanted that just admitted she loves you. There's no way I'd let you ruin that for that meaningless thing that happened between us."
She said all that in a relaxed tone and with a confident smile drawn on her lips. I was lost. It's like everything she said didn't make sense. I would have wanted to say something. I would have wanted to stop her. But I just couldn't do or say anything.
"Alright now. I gotta study a little. Thank you, Tom... For everything." She smiled and left, just like that.
Everything happened so fast that I was just unable to do or say anything. But after she left that terrace, I realized that she just walked out of my life for good. It was all my mess... For faking a relationship. For pretending I never knew what Sarah felt for me. For lying to my bro... That was my own shit.
I was never good with relationships. It was always a headache for me. But Everything was so simple with her. We never seriously fought. We didn't need much to have a good time. I liked her presence and seeing her every day was never a bother.
But something she said made sense. If she asked me if I was in love with her, I would have never been able to answer the question.
I have no fucking idea what being in love means. Have I ever asked myself if I was in love? Never.
But I did ask myself who of Lya and Sarah needed me the most at the moment. And I guess Lya, by simply leaving, answered that question for me.