Rainier's POV
I parked at the side of the road, just before crossing the bridge. It was a road I knew very well, but I hadn't been there for almost a year. The heater was on in the car so it was warm and cozy. Outside however, it was freezing. I felt that as soon as I exited the car. The door closed with a thud and I stood there frozen. Snow covered most of the road, but you could see tire tracks.
I melted after a minute and took the few steps to where the bridge started. It was a small arch bridge with railings on the side. The previous year's railing on the right side had no doubt been replaced. I was the only one on the bridge. It was rarely used. Though it was a way to get into town, it wasn't a common one. I don't know why I had chosen it that day.
I walked slowly to the right railing. I touched the top horizontal bar hesitantly. It was cold to my touch. My hand protested in pain, but I forced it to hold on to the bar.
I closed my eyes as tears fell. I was standing at the place where everything had started. I couldn't remember, but I knew I was at the right place. I placed my other hand on the bar. I felt a shiver coming and I fought to suppress it. My body was protesting.
I opened my eyes and looked at the water below. It was still and probably freezing-cold. I wondered what lay at the bottom.
"Why don't you jump in and find out for yourself?" I found myself thinking.
I wiped my tears with the back of my hand, which seemed very close to freezing. I thrust my hands in my jean pocket, but because they were cold the material actually hurt. I pulled them out and thrust them under my armpits instead. I welcomed the warmth.
I realized the bridge had nothing for me. There was nothing, and certainly no salvation. It was just a bridge with memories that weren't even mine. I brushed my almost bare arms with my warmer hands.
Instantly, I felt like I was being literally touched by someone else other than me. I heard a laugh and was instantly transported to a memory that didn't seem to be mine.
Chuckle.
"Tristan!" I warned.
One more chuckle.
"Tristan I swear I'll pull over if you keep doing that", I said.
We were in a car going somewhere. I was driving. The car was warm. Tristan kept touching my thigh, probably making the car warmer with the heat he was generating in me by just doing that.
"I won't mind", he said grinning. He had the most beautiful smile. His lips were perfect and so were his teeth. They were pure white.
"If we are late for the movie I swear you will pay", I warned, though I was smiling.
He smiled and removed his hand. There was a short silence.
"Can we come home straight after the movie? I want to show you something", he said.
I nodded. "What?"
"Our 2 years collage", he said.
I grinned. "I hope you did not put that embarrassing picture".
"It's a beautiful picture. You sleep beautifully, like an angel".
"My eyes look half closed!" I said in horror.
"Eh, I like it. You always look amazing. I can't wait to spend our first Christmas together", he said.
"I can't wait either baby", I said.
"Did I tell you? The 'Tristan+Rain' squad is now 'Tristain'. So cheesy. Your fans snuck a banner into my locker", he said.
"My fans? They are your fans", I said.
"Why do girls love yaoi so much? The 'Tristain squad' is starting to scare me. Next they'll be parking outside my window hoping to..."
I had been driving while Tristan and I were talking. Due to the snow I was driving slower. I noticed the car that was in front of us on the opposite lane. I'd been listening to Tristan when suddenly the car in front veered to the side. It was coming on too fast and the road was slippery. Tristan stopped talking, realizing what was happening. The car was coming straight at us. I had seconds to react. I tried changing lanes, but it was too late. I heard and felt the first impact. My body was thrust forward violently, though my seatbelt kept me in my seat. I felt okay, but was in shock. Shock turned to horror when I realized the car was moving on its own. I turned to Tristan moments before the car hit the railing on the side violently, enough to break it. Next I was free falling. I couldn't tell which way was up or down. When we entered the water, there was silence after the splash.
"Rain! Don't jump! Please don't jump. I know things aren't...okay right now, but they will be. Please don't jump. It's not...it's not the way to go", I heard a voice.
It shook me out of the trance. I looked around quickly, wondering who had said my name.
Ryan was running to me. The state of the ground slowed him down. I noticed there was a truck parked on the side of the road, on the other side of the bridge.
Was I missing Ryan so much that I was imagining him?
Human or not, he got to me.
"It's not worth it jumping over the bridge. I know things happened, but you can get through this. You can find a way", he said. He took a deep breath. I was too flabbergasted to say anything. "Rain, we can find a way. I don't want to live without you. I know you could never hurt someone intentionally, I know it wasn't planned. I know".
I was officially going insane.
"Please say something", he said.
I blinked hard. "Are you here for real or am I hallucinating?" I asked slowly.
"I'm here", he answered quickly. "Julie told me you...gosh, I was so scared".
I raised a brow. "Julie told you what?"
"They told me you are trying to kill yourself", he said.
My eyes enlarged. Where on earth had they gotten that? I did feel like it would be better if I died, but I wasn't planning on killing myself. I wouldn't do that to my family again.
"What? I'm not...I wasn't going to jump", I said.
"Good, you scared me", he said.
"How did you find me?" I asked.
"Going to where it all started", he quoted.
"Julie?" I asked.
He nodded.
There was silence. I was getting colder. I hadn't noticed that in my throwback state. I suddenly remembered what I had 'seen' before Ryan interrupted.
"I know what happened", I said quietly.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
I noticed a black Dodge Caliber pull up on the side of the road just before the bridge. Mom and Julie got out. They were going to walk to us, but Julie stopped mom.
"I remember things the way they happened", I said. I wondered if telling Ryan the truth was the way to go. What if he hated me even more?
"I thought..." he said and I cut in.
"I didn't kill your parents. I came here to try and find the truth and now I know. I told you I caused the crash because of the nightmares I had about Tristan, but I didn't. It wasn't me", I said.
Ryan didn't say anything.
"I know it may seem like I'm trying to absolve myself, but I remember things clearly now. I would never lie to you about something like this. I didn't cause the crash, but I'm still terribly sorry", I said.
Ryan sighed. "You must be freezing". Why was he refusing to acknowledge what I was saying? It was obvious. If I didn't do it, it meant his parents did. His parents killed Tristan.
"Ryan, please look at me", I pleaded. I raised my hand to his face, hoping that he wouldn't flinch, or that would break my heart again. "I know everything is too much to take in. I know you probably wish you had never met me, but I am truly sorry".
He removed my hand from his face and my heart fell. However, he kept holding onto it.
"I believe you", he said quietly. "Until what you said the other day I had always thought it was their fault. My parents were loving people, but together they were destructive. They argued every chance they got. My dad drove too fast. On our way here last year he veered to the opposite lane. Luckily there was no car on that side. My parents had been arguing".
I pulled my lips together, not knowing what to say. I started shivering.
Ryan noticed. "Was you not wearing a jacket part of the process of remembering?"
I shook my head. "Though I think it helped"
"Why did you take the blame?" he asked. He still had my hand in his.
I coughed. "Because I survived and everyone else didn't. I had nightmares where Tristan told me it should have been me. I started to believe it was my fault. But I know it wasn't now. I know the nightmares came after I already blamed myself. All along I thought the nightmares were a testament to my guilt, but the nightmares came because I had already found myself guilty. I fed their growth", I said.
It was a potent realization. It hadn't started with the nightmares. It had started with the guilt, and then the nightmares and visions. I blamed myself for surviving. And soon after I believed I had caused the accident. Why did I out of 4 people survive? Suddenly Dr. Liebenberg made sense. It had taken many sessions, but I finally understood what she meant by 'It's the monsters you conjure up during the day that haunt you at night'.
"I'm sorry Rain, about Tristan. I'm sorry", he said.
I smiled. "It doesn't matter. I don't blame your parents or you. I don't blame anyone".
"You are going to go into hypothermia soon", Ryan said hugging me. I felt his heat transferring to me.
"Thanks Ryan", I whispered.
"For what?"
"...For coming into my life. You have freed me".
"I haven't done anything", he said.
"My love for you forced me to come here. It was going to take more than a year", I said, knowing I was admitting something not to be taken lightly to him.
I knew I loved him. He meant a lot to me. I didn't love him because he rescued me. I loved him because he made my heart sing. He made my breath get stuck in my throat. He made me feel serene.
He removed himself from the embrace. I didn't know what to think. I hoped he wasn't rejecting me, but if he was I knew it wouldn't hurt as much as him hating me.
His hand went to cup my face. He looked into my eyes. His lips lowered till they were touching mine. I parted them slowly. I felt his warm breath fan my cold lips. I put my arms around his waist to steady myself, feeling like I was going to fall- mostly from the yearning that had engulfed me. I hadn't tasted those lips in days.
We kissed slowly. I didn't know what it meant and I didn't care. He was kissing me, and he was very much real.
He pulled back, took off his jacket and handed it to me. I noticed he was wearing his blue overalls.
"Thanks but..." I said and he shoved the jacket in front of me swiftly.
"Hypothermia kills, you should know that. I am not about to lose you", he said.
I took the jacket and wore it. It was warm and had his scent. He fixed the jacket on me like I was a little kid, making sure it was zipped all the way to the top.
"Shouldn't you be at work?" I asked. He had moved the conversation from what I'd revealed to him and I took the bait. He didn't want to upset me by saying he didn't feel the same way.
"I should, but your darling sister interrupted that by misinterpreting your words. Next time be more direct. Actually, there shouldn't be a next time", he said. Pulling me to him by the waist, he said, "I do have your sister to thank. She scared me enough to make me realize how I feel about you. On my way here I kept thinking that screw what happened. I love you".
My eyes widened. I had just convinced myself he didn't feel the same way and here he was, saying he loved me. My heart was soaring. Ryan loved me. I felt like screaming and telling the world that, but I didn't possess the energy.
"I love you too Ryan", I said.
"Is it weird that our names have almost the same letters? Well, the short version of your name"
I shook my head.
"You came", I said. It was more a statement than a question. I still hadn't gotten over his unexpected sudden appearance. I had never thought he'd show up. I now knew he was real, but I was still surprised he was really there with me.
"Of course I came. I told you I'm not about to lose you", he said.
I just smiled.
"Can you feel your toes? I can't feel mine", he said.
I noticed that mom and Julie were back in the car, probably using binoculars to look at Ryan and I. Mom was a worrywart, so it was really amazing that she had let Ryan and I talk. I appreciated it.
"We should go", I said. "I'll call you?"
"We need to talk", he said.
"Aren't you going back to work? Your uncle cannot be happy you left", I said.
"This is more serious and urgent. Talk to your family and follow me to Joe's? It's not far", he said.
I nodded and walked to the Caliber. Mom got out before I even got there. She ran to me, in her high-heeled boots. She had gotten back from work and led into a search for me, leaving her no time to change. It was a sight.
"Gosh Rainier, I was so worried", she said, beaming at me. "Julie said... Baby, we love you. You mean the world to us. I know it's hard but Rainier it will get better. I can't imagine my life without you, so please don't make me live it". She looked close to tears.
"Julie read everything wrong. Okay, I did wish I was dead, but it didn't mean I was going to do it. The pain felt too much, but I wasn't going to kill myself", I said.
Julie joined us, hugging me and refusing to let go.
"Jules, I'm alive and well. Let go please, I think you just broke my rib and punctured my lung", I said.
She let go 5 seconds after what I said.
"You nearly gave dad a heart attack!" she said.
"I? You are the one who read things wrong. I did tell you not to read my stuff", I said. "Where is he anyway?"
"On his way. He was in town, hospitals specifically", mom replied
"Why didn't you answer your phone?" Julie asked.
"It's in my car. I didn't want to be disturbed", I said.
"So have you and Ryan made up?" Julie asked.
"Yeah, how come we didn't know there was something in the first place?" mom asked. She thought of something. "Julie told me, I hope you don't mind. I am really sorry baby that it was his parents".
I smiled, which they both considered odd.
"I remember everything", I said.
"You mean, you remember what happened?" Julie asked quickly. I could tell she was afraid to be excited in case it turned out it was my fault.
I nodded. "It wasn't me who caused it".
Mom hugged me and held on. She sniffed. "That is good news baby. I know it doesn't take the hurt away, but at least now you can stop blaming yourself".
I nodded when she released me. "Mom, Julie, thank you for always trying to convince me and not giving up on me. You guys mean the world to me", I said.
There was a group hug.
"I have to go now, Ryan is waiting for me", I said.
"Where are you going?" Julie asked.
"Joe's in town", I replied.
"Wait, your dad..." mom said but I cut in.
"I will see dad at home", I said.
"You better be home early. It's a school night. Plus, I want to hear all about Ryan", mom said.
"I will", I said smiling. I started walking away but remembered something. "Mrs. Hoffman invited the family to an anniversary thing they are holding for Tristan on the 23rd. I forgot to tell you".
Mom's face fell. "Are you...going?" she asked.
I gave her a small smile. "I wasn't sure but now I think I am".
Mom smiled back and I turned, walking away from her and Julie.