Maaga akong nagising. I looked at the clock beside our bed and it's just 4:00 a.m. Ang aga-aga pero ang bilis-bilis ng tibok ng puso ko. Ewan ko ba... Basta ngayon masaya ako. Sobrang saya ko. Kahit na parang medyo away ata ang nangyari sa amin kagabi, or maybe not? Basta, masaya ako kasi for the first time, we had sex on our anniversary.
Siguro magtataka kayo kung bakit iyon lang ay masaya na ako. Well, just like what I said, it's the first time ever. Every anniversary kasi namin, hindi s'ya umuuwi. Siguro kung hindi ko s'ya nakita kagabi, baka ibang babae na naman ang kasama n'ya gayong anniversary pa naman namin. Kahapon ko lang naman talaga s'ya nakitang may kasamang babae ng anniversary namin. Basta kasi kapag anniversary namin, wala s'ya. Basta hindi s'ya umuuwi. And I don't have to wonder why dahil alam ko naman ang dahilan.
Kaya nga ang saya-saya ko ngayon. Answered prayer na ata ito. Ito na ata ang sign. Limang taon na kaming kasal at walang kahit anong ipinagbago ang pakikitungo n'ya sa akin. I think what happened last night is a MAJOR, MAJOR improvement. Siguro iyon na ang sign na hinihintay ko.
Sa hirap naman kasi ng pagsasama namin, hindi n'yo naman siguro ako masisisi kung paminsan-minsan, naiisip ko na rin na sukuan na ang relationship namin. Sumasagi na rin sa isip ko na maybe it would be better kung maghiwalay na kami. Because there is no love between us. Or, maybe it's better to say, because he doesn't love me, and I doubt he ever will.
Just as I was about to give up on us, saka naman nangyari ito. Para bang sinasabi sa akin na, no, don't give up yet. May pag-asa pa. And now, I am filled with happiness. Maybe this is it. Siguro kahit papaano, kahit konti, nagbago na ang damdamin n'ya sa akin. Siguro may pag-asa na... pag-asang mamahalin n'ya rin ako.
Bumangon na ako kahit maaga pa naman. Medyo masakit pa ang katawan ko pero mas nangingibabaw ang excitement ko. I feel like I have been fueled up. Mas gusto kong maging mabuting asawa ngayon. Mas gusto kong ipadama na mahal ko s'ya. Mas gusto ko ngayon ipakita sa kanya that I am not a bad wife at all, and that I can be the only one he needs.
I just wore a robe then went to the kitchen. Sinimulan ko ng maghiwa ng kung ano-ano. Ever since, cooking has been my passion. I remembered back then when I was still single, how I promised I would cook delicious foods for my husband every day. Well, I did cook for him for the first two years of our marriage. Every single day, every morning and every night. But never, ever, did he even taste the food I cooked.
Napabuntong-hininga na lang ako sa mga ala-alang 'yon. How every morning I would wake up early and cook food for him, and everytime he would just look at them with disgust and leave. It did hurt me everytime pero I thought, maybe he just doesn't want the food. So I would always cook another dish the next time. But the same thing happened and happened and happened for two years. Imagine that. I never cooked the same dish for him because I always thought he didn't like the food I made. Hanggang sa one day wala na talaga akong ibang maisip na dish...
Joke! Actually, it was until one day when I found out why he hated me so much. It wasn't the food that was the problem. It was me. Because I am someone he would never learn to love. Because I am someone he would always hate.
Hindi ko namalayan na naluluha na pala ako as memories of what happened years ago flood through my mind. Memories that would always haunt me - every single minute of my life.
I married him without loving him. But through the years that we've been together, I know that I have fallen deeply in love with him. So deep na kahit ang sakit-sakit na, nanghahawakan pa rin ako. Hoping that one day some day, he would love me, too. Kahit konti. Or at least, he would find some space in his heart to forgive me.
Kaya nga ang saya-saya ko ngayon. Para sa akin, hindi lang katiting na pag-asa ang nangyari kagabi. I feel like I have just been reborn. Dati nga na wala akong kahit anong pinanghahawakan, pinilit kong 'wag bumitaw, ngayon pa ba na kahit konti, meron na? Of course not! Sabi nga, kung ano ang itinanim, s'yang aanihin. Aba! Puro pagmamahal ang itinatanim ko sa kanya! Medyo tigang nga lang ang lupa sa puso n'ya kaya ayan, kailangan ng sandamakmak na dilig at pataba bago tumubo. But I know, I know! One day aani din ako!
Natatawa na lang ako sa mga pinag-iisip ko. Haaay... Well, ganyan talaga, magbunyi tayo! Pwede na kong magpapyesta ngayon!
At mukang pyesta nga ang nagawa ko. Aba, ang dami kong niluto. Pang isang handaan na ata 'to. Samantalang dalawa lang kaming kakain. Di bale na. Kahit hindi n'ya tikman lahat ng 'to, basta kahit isang subo tumikim s'ya ay magdidiwang na talaga ako! Syempre kapag kumain s'ya, kahit tikim lang, aba! Another hope iyon para sa akin 'no! Another step to a happy marriage, kumbaga.
Ala-sais na pala. Maya-maya lang babangon na s'ya. Maiayos na nga ang mesa. Nagluto ako ng burger steak, caldereta, afritada, kare-kare, chopsuey, at fried rice. Tapos ang drinks n'ya , iba-iba rin - cappucino, mango shake, protein shake, cold water, ordinary water. O, ano pa hahanapin n'ya? May gulay, may karne tapos kahit anong drinks gusto n'ya meron! Ay pineapple juice pa pala! Wait!
Lalalalalala lalalalalala lalalalala
Sabi nila pag masaya ang nagluluto, masarap daw ang pagkain. Hay naku, edi ang mga niluto ko, taste like heaven! Sobrang saya ko kaya!
Pakendeng kendeng pa ako habang nagtitimpla ng pineapple juice. Grabe ang dami ko naluto. Nakakapagod ha! Pero kahit gaano pa nakakapagod ang gawain, kapag ginagawa mo para sa mahal mo, parang iniisip ko pa lang na matutuwa s'ya, wala na ang pagod ko. Paano pa 'pag talagang nagustuhan n'ya?
Haaay...
"Good morning!" Masayang bati ko sa kanya. Sabi na magigising na s'ya eh.
"Tara kain na ta - kain ka na." Sasabihin ko sana tayo, pero s'ya na lang. Alam ko namang ayaw na ayaw n'ya kong kasabay sa pagkain eh. Saka baka mahiya s'ya, kaya s'ya na lang. Basta mabawasan kahit isang kutsara ang inihanda ko masaya na talaga ako.
Nilagay ko na sa mesa ang pineapple juice. I looked at him. Nakatayo pa rin s'ya sa gilid ng hagdan at nakatingin sa pagkain... Siguro takam na takam na 'to.
"Lika na kain ka-
"Hoy sandali lang! Aalis ka na?"
Hinatak ko s'ya sa kamay. Aba't aalis na ang aga-aga pa? Ano naman gagawin n'ya sa opisina eh 6:00 pa lang? Alas-nwebe pa ang pasok n'ya no! Saka hindi s'ya naka business attire. Casual lang. Saan naman s'ya pupunta?
"Ayoko." Matigas at malamig n'yang sabi saka n'ya ako tiningnan. Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig sa mga tingin n'ya. Galit. Iyon ang nakikita ko. Kung noon ay malamig lang ang mga tingin n'ya, ngayon sigurado ako, galit ang nakikita ko sa kanya. Galit na ngayon ko lang nakita... Ngayon n'ya lang ipinakita.
Para akong pinagbagsakan ng langit. Ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko at parang nanghihina ang mga tuhod ko. Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako katagal nakasalampak sa sahig. Hindi ko na rin alam kung gaano katagal na akong umiiyak. Natauhan lang ako ng tumunog ang telepono.
I did my best to compose myself bago ko sinagot ang tawag. Iyon nga lang, the call ended bago ko pa masagot. Lumong-lumo ako. I looked at the food I prepared at hindi ko napigilang maiyak uli. Grabe naman... ngayon nga lang ako nagkaroon ng hope parang binawi naman din agad.
I somehow still managed to smile. Naupo ako sa upuan while looking at all the food I made. Sayang naman.. Pinilit kong 'wag na umiyak ulit. Unti-unti lang kasi Emerald, unti-unti lang. Siguro hindi pa lang s'ya handa.
Pero gaano pa ba katagal? Isn't five years long enough?
Ayokong sayangin ang lahat ng niluto ko. Sayang naman kung itatapon ko lang. Isa pa, I need to divert my attention. And there's one place that came into my mind. The place where I always find comfort. A place where I can find the one who always comforted me.
Naligo na ako at nagbihis. I packed all the food that I prepared. Wala akong itinira kahit isa. Masasayang lang naman kasi. I decided na ibibigay ko na lang sa street children ang mga niluto ko. Hindi ko na rin nakuhang kumain kasi nawalan na ako ng gana. After kong ibigay ang foods, didiretso na ako sa destination ko.
Nakakatuwang makita ang mga batang binigyan ko ng food. Super thankful sila. And I'm happy na kahit papaano, hindi naman nasayang ang effort ko. Pumunta na ako sa kanya, and I even brought some flowers with me. White and red roses, mga favorite n'ya.
"Hi Ate.. kamusta ka na? Alam mo ba..." Hindi ko napigilan ang mga luha ko. Oo, nasa puntod ako ng ate ko. She is my one and only sister, and she is the best sister in the world. She has always been there when I needed her. She has always been there to support me. She is my best friend.
I want to tell her everything. Pero hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko kayang isatinig ang mga bagay na nasa puso ko. But crying in front of her tomb is enough, enough to somehow lessen the pain inside my heart.
Alam ko wala akong karapatang umiyak sa kanya. I don't even have the right to visit her here. Because I killed her, and that's why he hates me so much. I will never forget that day... because it haunts me every single day of my life.
"Ate!"
"Emerald!"
"I miss you!/I miss you!"
"Awww... ate, is there anything you'd like to tell me? Parang ang saya-saya mo ngayon ah!" I know very well that she is extremely happy today. Her eyes sparkle with joy as if she is in cloud nine. I've been away for three years and I know her happiness is not just because she finally sees me, but something else.
"Em..." She smiled with teary eyes. She seems really joyful at makita lang s'yang masaya, feeling ko ang saya-saya ko na rin.
"I'm getting married!" She excitedly told me. I am so happy for her! Alam kong mahal na mahal n'ya ang current and first boyfriend n'ya. I haven't met him yet, but I know how much he makes my sister happy. And I'm really happy for her, for them, because alam ko kapupunan nila ang isa't-isa. Hindi ko napigilang maluha out of joy and excitement.
"Wow! Congratulations!"
We were both very happy and I helped her with her marriage arrangements. I still haven't met my soon to be brother-in-law because he still had things to finish.
I was with Ate that day. Kukunin na namin ang wedding ring nila. It was very beautiful and really expensive. I was so excited that I can't help but take a look at it, so I opened the box. I put it out and looked at it. Very beautiful! And that was the day that I also wished that someday I would meet my own prince charming and we'll write our own fairy tale.
I was so lost in my thoughts when a man bumped me. Nabitawan ko ang ring. Gumulong ito ng gumulong and I ran after it. I was so focused in catching it that I didn't notice my surroundings, until a loud beep.
*Beep!!!
At that very moment, I thought I'm going to die. I prepared myself and shut my eyes. All I heard was people's loud scream. Few seconds have passed and I opened my eyes. To my surprise, I wasn't hurt at all...
But what surprised me more is what laid on the concrete floor. My sister, covered in blood, almost not breathing, though her eyes were still slightly opened.
For a second or two, I thought it was just a dream - no, a nightmare. Nanigas ang mga binti ko and I can't move. I don't know how I managed to be by her side, but all I can remember are her last words...
"I love you Emerald."
That was 5 years ago... No, 5 years and 6 months to be exact. That was the day I lost myself. The day I myself died.
No one blamed me for what happened. Although I know, with the way people looked at me, they all blamed me... and even I blamed myself. It was my fault, all my fault... just like it has always been.
My dad and mom never talked to me since that incident, like they ever talked to me. They were all busy comforting themselves that they forgot I also lost a sister. I also lost her. No one comforted me, and I know I had to make it on my own. I tried to be strong. I tried to excel in everything I do because I want to fill her in their lives. She has always been the good daugther, the one who makes them proud. And I tried to make them proud as well... I tried to be her... but that is like reaching the moon - it's impossible.
Six months later, my dad and mom finally talked to me. I was so happy. Sobrang saya ko dahil sa wakas, kinausap na nila ako. And guess why they talked to me? They want me to marry.
I immediately agreed. Ano naman kung magpakasal ako? Kung kapalit naman noon ay magiging maayos ang relasyon ko sa pamilya ko. Kaya sige, gagawin ko. And so I married this guy I know nothing about.
From the start, I knew he didn't like me. But I thought it was just because he didn't feel comfortable being with me, because I'm a stranger to him, just as him to me. I tried my best to be a good wife, but I would always seem to be never enough for him. He didn't even dare look at me.
That was how I always thought about things, until two years after our marriage, no, a day before our second anniversary.
Lasing na lasing s'yang umuwi. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. I don't know how to handle situations like this. I'm just 21! And even though we're married, we're worse than strangers!
Hirap na hirap akong akayin s'ya hanggang sa kwarto n'ya. Yes, kwarto n'ya dahil magkahiwalay kami ng kwarto. Halos tulog na s'ya ng maihiga ko s'ya. Palabas na sana ako ng kwarto ng marinig kong nagsalita s'ya. I thought he was calling for me so I went near him.
"Amethyst..." I can see tears in his eyes kahit nakapikit s'ya. The name itself is enough to make breathing hard for me. Naestatwa ako sa pagkakatayo ko sa gilid n'ya.
"Amethyst... why... why did she kill you... why..."
Hindi ko napigilan ang maiyak. I covered my mouth with my hands para hindi marinig ang hagulgol ko. Hindi ko naman sinasadya eh! Hindi ko yun ginusto! Mahal ko s'ya! Mahal na mahal ko ang ate ko!
"Amethyst... our baby..."
Hindi ko na kayang pigilan ang mapahagulgol. Patakbo akong lumabas ng kwarto at agad nagtungo sa sarili kong kwarto. I locked the door at padulas na napaupo sa sahig...
For the first time in two years, I heard her name again. I heard someone blaming me for her death... And I heard it from the one man I can't stand to hear it from... the man I have learned to love... and now I hate myself more... because I did not only kill her... I also killed their baby... and I know, by that,
I also killed him...