Rainier's POV
What I dreaded soon happened. I suppose I should have seen it coming. I mean, all the signs were there. It was only a matter of time.
I had a nightmare about Tristan while I was with Ryan. It was on one weekend Ryan and I had fallen asleep in his room. We'd been watching a movie, and the coziness sort of got to us. We ended up falling asleep. Ryan slept peacefully, I didn't. My dream was of a familiar scene, with a different ending. In the dream, the crash happened just as before, but towards the end Tristan -who should at that time have been unconscious- turned to me. Wrapping his hands around my throat, he started choking me. I struggled against his hands feverishly, wanting anything but to die. Before I woke up, Tristan said,
"How long can you keep resisting?"
I didn't wake up spontaneously. Someone had shaken me out of the dream, looking scared and confused but determined. Apparently I had been acting out my dream. I had been visibly struggling against hands that were not there. Ryan didn't miss the gasp Tristan's words elicited and the panting that came afterwards.
I told him it was just a nightmare. People had nightmares, it wasn't that odd. He didn't look convinced but I changed the subject. I couldn't stop myself thinking about it though and I became aloof with Ryan. He noticed, after having to call my name every time he said something. I could tell he was worried, but he didn't say anything. He didn't push and that just made me feel guilty. Why couldn't I just tell him?
A week before Christmas Ryan came to my house. My parents were out and so was Julie so it was just the two of us. We watched movies until nighttime. Though I liked spending time with him, I was still thinking about the incident at his house, so I didn't say much.
Thought Ryan was deterred by my mood, it didn't put him off kissing me. He liked doing that and I loved it. I didn't think about anything but us when we kissed. Fearing that someone would walk in, we went to my room. We were still a secret so my parents didn't know. They didn't have to say it, but I knew they knew something was going on between us. Ryan and I hung out alone, that's enough to make any parent suspicious. My parents not pushing to know was weird, but I guess they hoped whatever it was I would tell them soon.
When Ryan and I got to my room, we were kissing, which made closing the door a little difficult. We managed it. We took a breather. Ryan lay on the bed.
"I should probably lock the door", I said going to the door.
"You hate it, don't you?" Ryan asked. It was more a statement than a question.
"Hate what?" I asked.
"This secrecy thing", he said.
I went to the foot of the bed, sitting just next to his legs. I shook my head. "I don't".
"Then why have you been distant?" he asked.
Expecting something doesn't necessarily mean you become ready for it. I knew one day he would ask, but it still caught me off-guard.
"It's not that. I've just been tired lately. The fundraising was tiring", I lied.
"How much money have you made so far?" he asked, seemingly buying into my story.
"$30 000", he said.
"I wish someone would give me that much money", he said.
I smirked. "You are not disadvantaged".
"I'll have you know I am. Right now what I'm missing is your kiss. Come here", he said sitting up.
"You don't have to buy it", I said seconds before our lips met.
It was a short kiss. Ryan noticed something that he found interesting.
"You have a guitar? Do you play?"
My breath got caught in my throat. I avoided that guitar as much as I could, but I didn't possess the energy to take it back to the garage.
I wanted to say I didn't play but he would want to know why I had it. Did people decorate their room with guitars?
I nodded slowly. I couldn't quite look at him when I did but he didn't seem bothered.
"Was it here the last time I was here?" he asked.
"Yeah. You probably didn't see it because the lights were..." I started but he said something.
"I didn't see it because I was focusing on how sexy your butt is", he said grinning.
I blushed.
"Play something", he blurted out of the blue. Okay, maybe it was inevitable.
I shook my head slowly.
"Come on. I won't judge", he encouraged.
"Ryan I would rather..." I said but he'd already stood up to get the guitar for me.
He handed it to me with pleading eyes. I took it slowly. I hadn't played since the previous year. I couldn't do it.
"Ryan I can't", I said.
"Rain, you can. Pretend I'm not here", he said. Why couldn't he just realize I couldn't?
"I am terrible", I said desperately.
"Pretty please", he said ignoring my words.
I felt my abdominal muscles tighten as my hands lightly stroked the strings. I positioned the guitar properly. I brushed the black wood slowly while my mind fought to confine me to the present.
Guitar playing guys are sexy
My hand stopped moving. "I can't do this", I said quietly.
"You didn't strike me as a shy guy. Just pretend I'm not here. I'll be very quiet", Ryan was persistent. To him it was just me being shy, but it was more than that.
"I don't know what to play", I said.
He shrugged, putting his hands on my shoulders and massaging slightly. "Play any song you like", he said.
I nodded slowly. My hands once again went over the strings.
Did I ever tell you? It's when I hear you play and sing that I become more alive. Don't ever stop playing. Don't ever stop singing Rain. Your voice could awaken many more souls.
Tristan loved it when I played and sang. He made the playlist and I learned the songs. He guided me through many and loved the final product. We spent time practicing songs. I tried to teach him how to play, but I wasn't a great teacher. There was only one song he could play. It didn't really matter to him because he said he loved it when I played and sang. He was absolutely crazy in love with my voice, the same voice that had probably killed...
I took a deep breath, wondering if I could still remember the chords. I started playing. Ryan wanted me to just play, but I did more than that. My voice came out pained and I wondered if he noticed it wasn't intentional
Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love you when I'm afraid
To fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt
Suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer
I have died every day
Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more
I sang like my life depended on it. Once I started, I couldn't stop. Ryan stayed quiet as he promised, listening to me bellow a song I hadn't heard in almost a year. Tristan loved that song. He always said he'd love me for a thousand years. I knew it was impossible, but I didn't expect him to stop so soon. I stopped playing after the chorus, taking a deep breath. I had played without breaking down. It had actually been therapeutic.
Ryan shook his head in disbelief. "Rain, that was amazing! Your voice is amazing. I didn't even know you could sing".
I just smiled.
"Is there anything you can't do?" he asked.
Yeah, remember things.
"I'm pretty sure there is", I said.
"You could win Idols. Why are you hiding this talent? That was anything but terrible!" he said.
"I'm not that great", I said quietly.
"Obviously we have different definitions of great", he said.
I stayed quiet.
Ryan surprised me by taking my hands in his.
"You know what I think? I think you are perfect. And that has nothing to do with your talents. You are an amazing person Rain. The way you talk about the fundraising is amazing", he said. He looked sad. "I don't deserve you".
If there ever was a time I felt utterly guilty, it was that time. Ryan said I was perfect, and I was anything but. I was a...
I couldn't stop the tears that welled up in my eyes. Ryan really didn't deserve someone like me. He deserved better.
"Rain, is it something I..." he said concerned, but was interrupted by my phone ringing.
I was glad for the interruption. Little did I know the caller wouldn't make me feel any better.
I smiled to Ryan as I answered my phone quickly, not even bothering to check who the caller was. I stood up as I did.
"Hello?"
"Hello Rain, it's Sophie", the person at the other end of the line said.
I instantly recognized the voice. It was Sophie Hoffman, Tristan Hoffman's mom.
"Uh, hello", I said slowly.
"I am sorry to bother you so late", she said. She seemed hesitant. "The family has decided that we want to do something on...uh...the anniversary. Nothing big, just a little gathering at the...uh...cemetery to show him we still remember him. I was wondering if you'd like to come".
I stayed quiet, unable to utter words.
"You don't have to come, I'm sure he will understand. Just know that the door is open should you decide to come. We start at 9 on the day", she said.
I nodded as if she could see me.
"Rain, we haven't seen you in a while. I want you to know that you are still like a son to us. You made Tristan happy. You two were inseparable..." she said.
Is that why he died and I lived?
"...Our door is open should you need anything", she said.
"Thank you", I managed to utter.
"Please also invite your parents and sister", she said.
"I will", I said.
She chuckled a bit. "I can't believe I'm taking up your time on a weekend. You must be eager to get rid of me. I'm going to hang up now".
She said she was going to hang up, but she didn't. Instead she stayed on the line for a few more seconds before saying, "How are you Rainier?"
I choked. I knew why she had asked. She too was thinking of Tristan more now that the anniversary was coming up. She wanted to talk to someone.
I looked at Ryan. He didn't seem to be listening to the conversation.
"I am...uh, okay. I think about him, but I...uh...I'm dealing with it", I stuttered.
"That is good. If you ever need to talk, you can call me", she said.
She didn't just need to talk to someone. She wanted to make sure I wasn't thinking of harming myself again.
"I will", I said.
She finally hung up.
I returned to the bed. Ryan was lying down now. He was looking at his phone. He looked up as I sat on the bed, putting his phone away.
He wanted to say something, I could tell. He seemed to be debating with himself if he should. Whatever he wanted to say, it was serious. I had to steer us away from it. I would have, but he started talking before I could say anything.
"That phone call seems to have upset you", he said.
I shook my head. "It's nothing".
"Tell me about Tristan", he said out-of-the-blue.
My eyes widened.
"Rain I can tell there's something going on that you aren't telling me. It has something to do Tristan, doesn't it? Everybody clams up whenever he's mentioned"
"Ryan..." I started.
He shook his head. "Do you want him back? Is that why you were ready to cry when I said I don't deserve you? Was it the guilt?..."
He didn't know how close to home he was.
"Do you want him back Rain?" he asked again.
"Tristan is dead!" I shouted.
That stunned him. I saw him blink a couple of times.
"Tristan is dead, Ryan", I said quietly. "He died last year".
He stayed quiet, probably unsure what to say to me.
"Tell me about him", he finally said.
"Uh, what do you want to know?"
"Everything; how you met, how it ended".
I took a deep breath. I didn't know if I felt ready, but the moment was here. It was about time. Ryan presented me with a chance to explain the nightmares and my cold behavior.
"Uh...we met in my freshman year. He was a sophomore. He was a soccer player, a good one. Everyone liked him. He was popular, but not like Pete-popular. He was nice and friendly and overall a good guy. Everyone spoke highly of him, even the seniors though many were jealous of him. We literally bumped into each other in the cafeteria once..." I said and smiled.
The memories were coming back to me. I could see events as they unfolded. I could see Tristan's face. I could see the straight chin-long blond hair that trailed behind him whenever he was on the soccer field, the beautiful hazel eyes and the pink lips that curled into the most mesmerizing smile or the smirk I pretended to detest. I could remember his beautiful soft skin, his athletic physique that made men and women alike drool when he took off his t-shirt. He was gorgeous. And yet he was the most down-to-earth person I'd known.
I could remember his playful nature too. He struck weird poses in photos and had a knack for simplifying things. He was always cheerful. It rubbed up on me.
Continuing, I said "I was holding a glass of juice and it spilled onto my t-shirt. He took off his own shirt and gave it to me and offered to dry-clean mine. That's how we started talking. We exchanged numbers so I could get my t-shirt and he could get his. We started talking a lot more and I discovered he was closet-gay. This is funny, but the cafeteria incident was my fault. He'd insisted on taking the blame so he could talk to me because he had a crush on me. We talked more, hung out a lot and started dating later that year".
Ryan interrupted.
"So he came out when you guys were dating?"
I shook my head. "He came out to his family before that. He didn't deem it necessary to come out to anybody else since it wasn't their business. People found out of course when they saw us holding hands and kissing. Weirdly, girls loved him more now that they knew he was gay. Anyway, we were a normal couple. We hung out, saw movies, had dinner.... He loved music so we...well; I played and sang, he was like a music instructor. We dated for 2 years. That was until the...accident", I said.
I had come to the daunting part. I had to explain what happened. I didn't exactly remember everything, but I had unconsciously made the decision to explain it the way I saw it.
"It was on the 23rd of December, just a day into our Christmas break. It had been snowing for a week so there was snow. It was a beautiful day. The streets were made beautiful with Christmas decorations. There were snowmen and lights. Tristan and I were excited about Christmas since he wasn't going to visit his uncle in Seattle that Christmas so we were going to spend it together in-between spending it with our families. We decided to go see a movie in town. I...I...I decided, he wasn't really happy about the decision. He would have rather stayed at home cuddling. I wanted to go and he wouldn't let me go alone", I said and coughed.
It was getting hard.
"I drove. When we passed the last bridge before going into town, something happened", I said.
I wished he would interrupt me so I could have a few seconds to breathe. I felt like I was suffocating.
"My memory is a bit shady. There was another car on the bridge going the opposite way. I...I don't...I don't know what really happened. Somehow I...there was ice...I think I skid or...I don't know..."
I paused. "I skid", I said with finality. There was no use denying what had really happened. Visions and nightmares about the accident were haunting me because it was my fault. My therapist had said I should not come to conclusions if I couldn't remember. What did she know? There was no evidence suggesting otherwise.
"Rain, you don't have to explain to me what really happened", Ryan said softly.
"I do. There were two loud bangs after that and the car was flung over the bridge into the water. I survived both impacts. Tristan did too, but he was unmoving. His head was slumped forward. I shook him and there was no response. I tried releasing him...I tried releasing him from his belt but it was stuck. The windows were closed but the windscreen was broken. Water started rushing in. It was...it was freezing. I tried saving him but I couldn't. The car filled with water and in panic and terror I worked myself up to a point where I couldn't hold my breath. I started breathing. That's all I remember of that incident. I woke up in hospital after 3 days. The doctor said they had to administer CPR for 3 hours. Tristan...Tristan didn't make it. They said he... uh...he drowned because the first responders had to struggle to release his seatbelt, that and the fact that he was made unconscious by the impact", I said.
By then tears had grazed my face.
"There was a couple in the other car. They didn't survive either. They died on impact. So yeah Ryan, I feel guilty, but it's not for what you think. 3 people...3 people...they died because of me", I said, the tears rushing.
Ryan put his arms around me.
"I'm sorry for making you relive it", he said.
I sniffed. "That's why I have nightmares. That's why Tristan is such a closed subject. That's why people won't say anything about him. They don't want me to attempt to hurt myself again", I said.
"Hurt yourself?"
I exhaled loudly. It was painful to recall everything, but I had to. Ryan wasn't just anybody. He was my boyfriend. By then I knew I more than like liked him. I didn't really know what the feeling was, but I knew he deserved to know.
"I uh...I attempted...I attempted suicide. It was 2 weeks after the accident. It was too much for me to deal with. I slit my wrists. Dad found me and I was rushed to hospital".
"I' so sorry baby", Ryan said stroking my hair.
"I know this is too much for a person to deal with. I'm...I hope...I know it's not what you signed up for".
Ryan was quiet. I couldn't see his expression because my head was below his. I felt his muscles tense. He was going to tell me he couldn't deal with it.
"Did you say the 23rd ?" he asked suddenly.
I nodded. He had probably realized the anniversary was coming up.
"The last bridge on R1?" he asked.
I nodded. I wondered where he was going with that.
"What color was the other car?" his questions kept streaming in.
"I don't know. I barely remember anything that happened before our car was flung into the river", I said.
There was silence.
"That couple was my parents", he said quietly.
I think my heart stopped beating. I felt blood drain from my head immediately. I was certain I looked ghostly pale. Anyone, anyone but his parents...
"We came here for Christmas last year. My parents went into town to buy a star for Sally to put on the Christmas tree. She'd been crying non-stop because of its absence. They promised to be home quick, but the last time I saw them..." he said and gave a labored breath. "The last time I saw them they were in coffins".
My tears had been receding, but started all over again. I turned my face so I could see him.
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry", I muttered.
His eyes were cold. There was nothing in them. My heart broke into a million pieces. He hated me. Why would God do this to me? Why did it have to be Ryan?
He let me go slowly.
"I...can't...I can't do this. I'm sorry", he said quickly, standing up.
"Ryan I..." I said.
He shook his head. "Don't. Please don't".
I fell back on the bed. Seconds later the door to my bedroom opened and closed. Even though I didn't see him exit, I just knew he left. I couldn't feel his presence anymore.
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P.S I do not own any rights whatsoever to the song Rain sings. Credit goes to Hodges, David / Perri, Christina. The video is a Boyce Avenue cover of the C. Perri song. I love the original, but the cover more.