“Everything is going to be alright,” Liz said rubbing my back.
“No it’s not,” I huffed. “You should have seen him. He was so mad. I don’t think he wants anything to do with me, Liz. He called me a liar and a man.”
“Well, do you blame him, Dylan? You have lied to him for ten plus years,” she explained. “Did you expect him to just accept it? He needs some time.”
“I hope so,” I sighed, falling onto the couch.
“He loves you, if he didn’t, he wouldn’t have married you,” Liz explained. “He’ll come around."
“Ok,” I nodded. “Time – I can do that. I can give him time. But I want to see him, Liz. I miss Sean.”
“I know you do,” she nodded. “Do you want me to send Mark over to talk to him?”
“No,” I sighed. “I don’t want Mark to know. I think the less people that know the better. God, I just want to wake up from this nightmare.”
“I know,” Liz said rubbing my back. “I know. So, I know this might not be a good time to tell you this, but the doctor in Philadelphia called. Your appointment is the day after tomorrow.”
“Liz,” I sighed.
“I know you’re worried about Sean and everything, but this is about you, Dylan,” Liz said. “It’s your decision – no one else’s.”
“You’re right,” I nodded. “I should – We should go. It’ll take my mind off of Sean, but before we leave could you let him know for me. Also, tell him that I love him.”
“I can do that,” Liz nodded.
And that very next day, Liz and I flew to Philadelphia. I couldn’t help but think about Sean. I thought maybe if I went and heard the consultation, it would ease my mind, but it didn’t. I missed Sean too much and not to mention, my kids. I hadn’t been home in more than three days. That was the longest I had ever been away from them and now I had to sit through talk about this procedure and pretend like everything was fine. At least Liz was here. I wouldn’t be able to go through this alone.
Liz and I sat in the waiting room, anxiously waiting for the doctor to call my name. There wasn’t anyone besides the two of us here, so I figured we’d be called soon.
“I miss Sean,” I sighed. “What did he say when you told him I was leaving?”
“He didn’t say anything Dylan – he just nodded,” Liz replied. “I’m sorry, babe – I tried.”
“Dylan Anderson,” the nurse said, appearing from the door.
“Whatever it’s now or never,” I shrugged as Liz followed me into the doctor’s office.
“Hello Dylan! Nice to meet you, I’m Dr. Reynolds,” a gentleman said shaking my hand. “How are you doing today?”
“Fine,” I nodded.
“So, you’re here today to talk about genital reassignment surgery is that correct?” he asked flipping through my file.
“That is so,” I replied. “I believe Liz here has sent you all of the necessary forms.”
“Oh yes – We have that,” he nodded. “It seems you’re on top of everything. But I have a few questions before we proceed with anything. Is Liz your partner?”
“Oh no,” Liz said shaking her head. “I’m her primary physician.”
“I’m married,” I replied. “My husband isn’t here.”
“Oh ok,” he nodded. “Is he ok with this procedure? This is just routine, but usually we like it when the partner is present as well.”
“My husband doesn’t oppose it,” I lied. “He’s busy at work. So, could we proceed?”
“Certainly,” he replied not bringing up the matter any further. “You’ve been living as a woman for how long?”
“Since I was sixteen,” I replied.
“And now at thirty four you decide you want to go through with the procedure? What made you make this decision?” he asked.
“I was scared for a while,” I replied. “I hate surgery, but just recently, I realized that I don’t feel completely like a woman and that has to do with the fact that I’m not fully and completely a woman. I would like to be a full woman and function like a full woman. Of course, money was an issue then as well, but it’s not an issue now.”
“Ok,” he nodded. “Well, then I’m sure you are aware of all of the risks and things involved in this procedure.”
“Yes Liz has covered it all during our flight over,” I nodded.
“Well, then let’s set a date,” he grinned pulling out his calendar.
My surgery was scheduled for two weeks from now. I had been off of my medications since last week as requested by Liz, as she knew that would hinder the surgery. All that was left was the genital electrolysis and a list of pre-operative instructions. Liz and I rented a hotel room out in the general area. I wasn’t going to fly in and out of Philadelphia for the next two weeks. The surgery was expensive enough.
Two weeks flew by like nothing. The day before my surgery I was a wreck. I couldn’t help it. My life would be changing tomorrow and who knows what could happen during that surgery. Doctors make mistakes all of the time.
“Liz, I don’t know what I’m going to do,” I sighed. “Sean still hasn’t called me. It’s been three weeks, Liz. He’s probably finding some way to divorce me.”
“No, he’s not,” Liz replied. “He’s not. Sean called me.”
“What? When? Why didn’t you tell me?” I said wiping the tears from my eyes. “What did he say?”
“I didn’t tell you because one, its’ the day before your surgery and two, I knew you would act like this,” Liz chuckled. “He and the kids flew into Philadelphia last night.”
“They did?” I said my eyes opening wide. “Where are they?”
“They are on their way right now,” Liz said.
“Liz!” I huffed. “Why didn’t you say anything sooner? I am a complete mess and not to mention, I look like crap.”
“I didn’t want to freak you out that’s why but it’s too late now,” Liz replied as I moved into the mirror. I quickly applied make-up to my face, and then brushed my hair down. I hadn’t seen Sean in weeks and I didn’t want him to see me looking a mess the first time he did. I glanced in the mirror quickly as a knock erupted at the door. I looked presentable I guess. Liz answered the door quickly, greeting Sean and the kids.
“Mom!” Rachel and Kyle shouted both at the same time rushing in my arms. I wrapped my arms around them, kissing them on the forehead.
“Hi guys,” I grinned. “How have you been?”
“Mom! Where have you been? I’ve missed you,” Kyle said. “Dad can’t cook to save his life.”
“Tell me about it,” Rachel sighed. I chuckled as I ran my fingers through their hair. Sean bit his lip, shoving his hands into his pockets. He didn’t make eye contact with me. He must still be upset.
“Well, how about we go downstairs and grab a slice a pizza from the pizza joint next door?” Liz suggested.
“Yeah,” Rachel said. “I’m starving. Mom, are you coming?”
“Yeah mom,” Kyle asked.
“I can’t guys,” I shrugged. “I’m going through a surgery tomorrow so I can’t eat. I’ll be here when you come back though. Listen to you Aunt Liz, ok?”
“Ok,” they nodded following Liz out of the hotel room. I awkwardly walked towards Sean not saying anything. I didn’t know what to say or how to even begin. I’m guessing he didn’t either because we kind of just stood there in silence. I had to say something.
“Thanks for bringing the kids,” I said. “It means a lot to me. I know you’re still upset with me about everything, but I’m glad we were able to put things behind us for the sake of the kids.”
“They’ve been asking about you and I didn’t know what to say,” Sean replied. “They don’t know anything. I – I don’t know how much you want them to know so, I just told them you had to go in for an important surgery. I figured you’d want to see them before you – you uh go in tomorrow.”
“Yeah,” I nodded, walking over to the couch to sit down. We were both quiet for a while, afterwards. Things between us were just as awkward as I imagined, but they could have been worse – that’s what I keep telling myself.
I tapped my fingers against my lap, as the clock ticked away. I had so many things that I wanted to say to Sean. I had rehearsed so many different "I love you's" and "I'm sorry" speeches for the past week or so, but I couldn’t remember any of them now that he was actually standing in front of me. My mind was blank.
“Are you nervous?” Sean asked breaking the unbearable silence between the two of us. “About the surgery, I mean.”
“You have no idea,” I muttered, a nervous laugh escaping my throat. And just like that all my fears and anxieties came back like a whirlwind and before I knew it, I was crying again. It started with a single tear and multiplied and before I knew it, I couldn’t breathe and I was hyperventilating. Sean came to my side quickly, wrapping his arms around me, as I cried. He rubbed my back, trying to comfort me as best as he could.
“Dylan,” he said in a soft voice. “Everything is going to be fine. Stop crying. Please stop crying.”
“I can’t help it,” I choked out. “I’m a nervous wreck. Sean, please don’t leave me.”
“I won’t leave you, Dylan,” Sean said rocking me gently against his chest.
“You promise?” I asked.
“I promise,” Sean said running his fingers through my hair.
Sean and I stayed like that. He didn’t go back on his word either. Sean stayed with me for the whole night, while the kids stayed inside of Liz’s room. It gave Sean and I more time to talk about us. This talk between us was much needed. It had been on my mind for three weeks now.
“Sean – I know you said that you would stay here with me through my surgery but I just want to talk about us,” I said. “We’ve been kind of tiptoeing around the topic. I just need to know before I go into tomorrow – Where do we stand?”
“Dylan,” Sean sighed running his fingers through his hair. “I – I don’t know to be honest. It’s hard for me to get over the fact that you lied to me and I’m still coming to terms with the idea of you being a man.”
“Well, after tomorrow, there will be no man left,” I said jokingly.
“I know Dylan, but you lied to me,” Sean retorted. “You lied to me for twelve years, Dylan. Twelve whole years you kept this from me and I can't just ignore that."
“I know and I’m sorry,” I replied. “I wish I could go back into time and tell you, Sean, I really do.”
“I do too, Dylan, but then the fact of the matter still remains. I mean - would you have even told me if your mother hadn’t shown up?” Sean asked. I bit my lip, glancing at the ground.
“To be completely honest Sean,” I began. “I don’t know – probably not.”
“I thought as much,” Sean said. “But at least you’re being honest. That’s a step.”
“Sean, I’ve never lied to you about anything else,” I began. “Except my parents, but that’s an entirely different story, Sean. My feelings for you aren’t a lie. I love you.”
“I love you too Dylan but its complicated,” Sean tried to explain. “It’s going to take me some time. Is that fair?”
“Yeah,” I nodded. “As long as you don’t hate me.”
“I don’t hate you, Dylan,” he replied. “I could never hate you. Now go to bed. You have surgery tomorrow.”
“Ok! Alright! Gosh, you’re so demanding,” I grinned, as I crawled into the king-sized bed. I glanced over at Sean as he pulled his shirt over his head and moved onto the small couch. I wanted him to lie with me for the night, but I didn’t want to push it. He had already told me where we stood and that was enough to get me through the night. God, just his presence alone was enough.
“Good night, Sean,” I said. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” he replied. “Now go to sleep.”
I chuckled as I closed my eyes. That very next day, I was ready. I was ready because I had no lingering feelings. Sean brought me into the surgery. That was the last thing I remember, besides the part when the anesthesiologist told me to count backwards from ten. Everything after that was a foggy blur in my memory.
I woke up in the recovery wing, with Liz by my side.
“Dylan? How do you feel sweetheart?” Liz asked her eyes flickering onto mine.
“Groggy,” I mumbled as I glanced around me. “Where’s Sean?”
“The kids were hungry and tired, so he took them to the hotel,” Liz explained. “But he’ll be back and I will be gone. He just wanted to get them to sleep.”
“That’s nice of him,” I grinned. “He’s a good father.”
“You are so drugged,” Liz chuckled. “You are high, Dylan Anderson.”
“My whole body is numb,” I groaned.
“Well that’s better than pain,” Liz said happily. “Your surgery was successful. There were no complications according to Dr. Reynolds. Welcome to the world of Vagina.”
“Don’t make me laugh,” I chuckled as I glanced around at all of the tubing coming out of my body. “What’s this?”
“It’s a foley catheter,” Liz explained. “So, you don’t have to worry about getting up to pee.”
“Oh,” I nodded as Liz’s phone rang.
“You rest and Sean will be here when you wake up, ok?” Liz explained.
“Ok,” I nodded as I closed my eyes back.
My surgery was basically a blur thanks to all of the pain meds I was on, but I wasn’t complaining. I would rather be high than in pain. Two weeks later, I was discharged with very specific post-operative instructions which involved no strenuous activities, no drinking, smoking, etc. Liz made sure I followed all of these instructions and she constantly called me asking if I was having any problems. But she wasn’t as bad as Sean. Sean was treating me like an invalid and didn’t let me do anything.
“Dylan – What are you doing out of bed?” Sean asked.
“Sean, I’m tired of being in bed,” I argued. “’I’m fine. I feel fine. I’ve never been better.”
“Fine,” Sean sighed. “Fine. I won’t make you go to bed, but could you at least sit down. Don’t think about cooking or cleaning or whatever you were about to do. Relax. Could you do that for me?”
“Fine Sean,” I said sitting down on the couch.
“Oh and you’re mother called yesterday,” he said. “I know you’re still mad at her and everything, but I think you should talk to her.”
“I already did,” I sighed. “She called earlier today.”
“And?” he continued, waiting for the aspects of the conversation.
“And I forgave her but only because you asked me too,” I shrugged. “And I invited her and my father over for dinner this week.”
“Dylan I only want to see you happy and I think that this is a good step for you and us,” Sean explained. “You can’t hide from your family. If they’re willing to reach out, you should at least hear them out.”
“I know I know,” I huffed. “But anyways, I talked to Liz this afternoon.”
“About what?” Sean asked, plopping down beside me as gulping down a bottle of water.
“About when you can take my virginity,” I chuckled. Sean nearly choked on his water. He could be so cute sometimes. His face flushed as I continued.
“Dylan, you just had surgery like a week ago,” Sean huffed. “And that's the first thing that is coming to your mind?"
“Don’t act you like weren’t wondering either, Sean,” I replied rolling my eyes at him. “You know I can orgasm and everything. But anyways, we have to wait like twelve weeks. That’s not that long away and hopefully by then, everything will be behind us.”
“I’m sure,” Sean replied sarcastically. “Let me run and mark my calendar.”
“Now you’re just being mean,” I said shoving him lightly. “You’re lucky I love you.”
“I love you too Dylan Anderson,” Sean replied kissing me on the forehead.
Things were finally where they should be. I have my perfect husband, my perfect kids, my perfect house and I was finally a full woman. I was no longer living a lie. Dylan Kyle Dubois was finally gone for good and he was never coming back.