The sun's just starting to rise, indicating that the day's about to begin. After yesterday I'm more determined. Determined to be the Black Widow, determined to destroy everyone that's in the Red Room including Ivan, and determined to leave this place and never come back. They took everything from us, they're probably the ones who killed our parents. They want to make me into a killer? Fine I'll be one, but they'll be sorry that they ever did. I swing my fist at the punching bag one more time and ignore the jolt of pain that runs up my arm, then I fall down onto the mat to catch my breath. The Soldier wasn't here this morning, so I decided to train. I missed my training yesterday so I have to push extra hard today. I could have continued to train after the officer punished me, but no instead he had to chain me up outside for hours.
I lay on the ground, staring up at the ceiling, waiting to hear the sound of the girls footsteps walking towards the washroom. After a couple more minutes I get up and head there anyways, they're taking too long. I quickly brush my teeth and wash my face. The swelling of my eye and cheek is completely gone and is replaced with dark bruises. I run my tongue over my busted lip and taste something coppery. I sigh out in frustration when I see it begin to bleed. Instead of cleaning it I just suck on my lip and head back towards the training room to train more. When I get there I don't find it empty. The Soldier stands there waiting, for me? I guess my training with him starts now. His back's turned towards me but I can tell he knows I'm behind him. As soon as he turns around his eyes immediately dart to my right arm, but his face doesn't change. It's just blank, nothing unusual. Except for the fact that his fists are clenching and unclenching. I close the training room door and advance towards him, stopping when we're face to face. After a couple more minutes of the Soldier staring at my arm he looks back up at me and steps aside, revealing the punching bag that's behind him.
"Punch it." He orders, his voice low and smooth. As I walk up to the punching bag I can feel his eyes on me, burning holes. He's distracting me. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, concentrating on what I'm suppose to do. Planting my feet firmly to the ground, I swing my fist at the bag. A loud thump echoes through the room, looking over at the Soldier I find him subconsciously rubbing his lips with his fingers in thought. His eyes slowly rake down my body in thought, making me squirm under his hard gaze. It isn't in the same way John studies me and I'm grateful for that. Eventually his eyes lock with mine again and I hold my breath, waiting to see what he'll do next. The Soldier takes a couple steps towards me and puts his hands on my waist, making me flinch at the weird tingly feeling that I begin to feel. He then twists my body slightly to the right so my back is to him. The Soldier then takes his right hand and reaches over, placing it on my stomach. I try my hardest not to close my eyes at the warmth of his hand.
"Keep tension here and swing again." The Soldier orders, his voice getting lower. I feel his breath hit my ear and it makes shivers run down my spine. He steps back and waits. The loss of his warmth makes me frown and I have to close my eyes and try to think straight. What the hell is going on? Is he doing this on purpose? Taking a deep breath, I put tension in my stomach and punch at the bag again. "Better. Now punch me." Turning towards the Solider, I swing my fist at him but he easily dodges it.
"Again." He demands. I try to punch him again but he effortlessly steps aside. "Let go Natalia."
I look up at him, confused. What is he talking about? I swing again, and again and again but I keep missing. The next punch I throw he catches and pulls me flush against his body so my face is only mere inches from his. "Why are you holding back?" He whispers harshly into my ear, then roughly pushes me away. I stumble back and clench my jaw in anger. I run towards him and swing my fist again but the Soldier grabs it and twists it behind my back. He grips the back of my neck with his metal hand and forces me down into a kneeling position. "Lose control. Fight me." He growls, shoving my head down then stepping back. I place both of my hands on the ground and hang my head down. I can feel a burning sensation growing in my chest and I grit my teeth together, trying to not lose it. I thought I was using my full abilities with the Soldier, but I guess from all the years of holding back I didn't realize I've been subconsciously doing it as well. Almost like a switch I snap my head up and get back on my feet. I slowly turn around to face the Soldier and see a pleased smirk displayed on his face. I slowly walk towards him and he begins walking towards me. As soon as we meet in the middle I swing my fist towards his face and he moves to the side, but not fast enough. I graze his cheek and his smirk grows. I punch again, as I continue swinging hits at him it becomes harder for him to dodge them. Eventually I land one to his cheek and he stumbles back. The Soldier grins and stands up straight.
"Good." Out of nowhere he charges at me. I block his hits and try to keep up with him, but he's too fast. I get punched, thrown across the room, choked. Now I know how much he's been holding back on me. As he continues fighting me, I study his movements. He already knows what his next move is going to be, he has them all planed out. If he kicks me in the stomach he already knows where my body will go, what it'll do. Like he knows what will happen before it happens. I need to catch him by surprise. He's moving so quickly, hitting me one after the other. I have no time to think.
The Soldier grabs my left arm and throws me towards the wall. As I slam into it I let out a painful grunt. I see him quickly walking towards me and I know I only have a couple seconds to get my thoughts together. The Soldier bends down and forces me up so I'm standing, he then pulls his fist back to punch me. What happens next is almost like it happens in slow motion. Right as his fist is mere centimeters from my face I jerk my head to the side and it connects with the wall. I don't waste time and grab his metal arm, twisting it to the side and kneeing him in the stomach. Slipping away from him, I work out a strategy in my mind. He's fast, he doesn't use his feet much, mostly his arms. The Soldier eventually saunters back onto the mat, anger and excitement burning in his eyes. He stands in front of me and in a flash grabs my right arm and forces it behind me. He then takes a fist full of my hair and yanks it back. Focusing on the crack in the ceiling, I begin to think. Swinging my left arm around his neck, I take a handful of his hair and jerk it back so he's looking up too. We both stand like that for a couple seconds until I get an idea. Taking my right leg, I wrap it around his right leg. Using all of my body weight, I throw myself forward and do a somersault, bringing the Soldier down with me. We both land on the ground, me laying on top of him. Rolling off, I wait for the Soldier to get up. He sits up and rubs the back of his head, before I can blink his hand shoots out and wraps around my neck. The Soldier flips me over onto my back and straddles my stomach, his grip around my neck getting tighter. Without a second thought I jerk my knee up so it connects with his lower back and the Soldier leans forward in pain, but his hold on my neck doesn't loosen. I take that opportunity to strain my head forward and bite the exposed part of his neck. He grunts in pain and I can feel his hands go slack, I take that moment to kick him backwards onto his back but he takes a hold of my leg and pulls me towards him. The Soldier wraps his right arm around my head and puts me into a firm headlock. I lay between his legs as he chokes me. I kick my legs and try to pull his arm away so I can breathe, but he doesn't budge. I begin clawing at his arm in desperation, hoping he'll let go but it only makes him tighten his hold. Eventually he lets go and stands up, leaving me on the floor. Laying on the mat, I close my eyes, trying to breathe in as much air as possible.
"You can leave, we'll continue this later." He callously dismisses me. On shaky legs, I try to stand up. The lightheaded feeling starts to fade, but I still have to take deep breathes to steady myself. Taking one last look at him, I find him rubbing the area on his neck where I bit him. Turning around I begin to walk out. "Stop holding back Natalia."
I close the door behind me and head to the dining hall where I know the girls are. I don't even want to know how bad my neck looks. As soon as I walk into the dining hall all chatter stops, everyone's attention on me. I walk a little ways and sit next to Yelena who's sitting at the end of the table. The chef puts a plate of toast down for me with a glass of milk. Ignoring everyone's stare, I begin to eat. The burning pain around my throat slowly fades but it still hurts to swallow.
"Where were you?" Yelena whispers from across the table. I don't look up at her, I don't really want to look or talk to anyone. What the Soldier said keeps repeating in my head like a broken record. He wants me to stop holding back? After I've been spending years of doing exactly that. I lost it for only a second in there, a second too long. I'm angry at how he was provoking me, yet at the same time it feels kind of good to lose control and I'm disappointed in myself for that. If I continue to lose control I might not be able to stop. I also wonder how the Soldier knew I was holding back, I didn't even know I was holding back until he called me out on it.
"Training." I respond quietly, my voice raspy. Yelena nods, she understands what I meant and doesn't ask anymore questions. Eventually the girls begin to start talking again and forget about me for the time being. After we finish eating Lena goes to the training room while we get ready to head to the ballet studio. As we make our way up the stairs I can't help but want to go back up to the filing room on the 5th floor. They have an entire file on me and I want to know what it says.
"Natalia." A voice calls from behind me. I turn around and see Ivan ushering me to follow him. The other girls give me a suspicious stare as if me and Ivan are plotting something. "Where were you this morning?"
"The Soldier wanted to train this morning since I didn't get to yesterday." I told him the truth. There's no point in lying because if I did he'd find out the truth eventually. Ivan nods in understanding, then opens his mouth to speak again.
"Why did Yelena ask you to fight with her the other day?" That's the question I've been dreading to hear. I don't want to tell him we're secretly training, I can't. But at the same time I don't want to die, so I'll tell him the truth.
"I don't know, I guess since I don't really hang out with the other girls she thought I'd go easy on her." The words fall out of my mouth before I can stop them. What happened to telling the truth? Ivan gives me a quick nod then turns around to leave. I can't help but stand there with my eyes closed. What am I doing? I'm protecting Yelena, why? She hasn't done anything for me, but I'm protecting her and putting my life on the line in the process.
*
Ballet flies by fairly quickly and Madame Oksana's even more snappier than yesterday. As we dance I notice most of the girls, Osa, Enora, and Anja in particular are giving me irritated glances. Mr. Volkov's class went by pretty fast as well. I honestly don't remember what he's teaching because I'm so distracted thinking about the Soldier. What he said still repeating in my mind. 'Stop holding back, Natalia.' Maybe he's right. Maybe I should stop holding back, but how do I just not ? I've been forcing myself to not lose control for as long as I can remember. Now I'm just suppose to stop, it's not that easy. But maybe I can become in control of being out of control. Confusing, isn't it? I can still feel the burning sensation in my chest from this morning but it's lessened since then. The adrenaline still runs through my veins and I'm afraid that if one of the girls or officers pushes me the wrong way, I'll snap.
After Mr. Volkov's class we head back to the dining hall for lunch, the officers talking among themselves. Ivan isn't here though, he's probably somewhere upstairs. I go to take a bite of my lunch but it gets knocked out of my hand. Looking up I see Osa, Enora, and Anja sitting across from me where Yelena use to be. Looking behind them I see Yelena on the floor looking up at them in anger.
"Where were you this morning?" Osa asks with a snarl. Rolling my eyes in annoyance, I go to take another bite but it gets slapped out of my hand again. "I asked you a question you Ryzhevolosaya urod (red-haired freak)."
"None of your business." I snap back. My patience is slowly thinning and I just want to break all of their necks. Enora and Anja are sitting on either side of Osa and are looking at me as if they have the right to know.
"What did you just say?" Enora fumes, standing up. Apparently they need to know where I am at all times.
"I said none of your business." I repeat, standing up. I can feel the burning in my chest growing again and my fist start to clench. I watch as Anja gets up and walks around the table towards me, Osa and Enora following close behind. I know what they're about to do and I'm so focused on not killing them that I don't care. Anja grabs me by my arm and drags me out of the dining hall, I look back and see that the officers are still talking. Her grip on my arm tightens and her nails dig into my skin, blood beginning to run down my left arm. The whole time Yelena's running behind us trying to stop them, but Osa and Enora keep pushing her away.
Eventually we make it to the washroom and Anja pushes me into one of the shower stalls, making me hit my head against the wall. Before I can blink I begin to feel Anja's foot connect with my stomach repeatedly, making it hard to breathe. I can hear Yelena screaming something but I can't make out what it is, I'm too busy trying to control myself. She keeps kicking me, in the stomach, face, chest, taking all of her anger out and soon after Enora joins in while Osa holds back Yelena. The 3 of them take turns holding back Yelena so they can all get a chance at me. My vision starts to become blurry and I can somewhat see blood all over the tile floor. I can't feel my face and the urge to vomit is gradually building. Black spots blur my vision and I can feel my eyes getting heavy. All of a sudden the kicking stops and I hear pounding and screaming. Then someone begins to talk but I can't hear what they're saying. Struggling to keep my eyes open, I let out a labored breath. I can't feel anything yet everything hurts. I want to kill them, but also I don't. I told myself I'd let them make me into a killer, but I just can't be one. I can't take someones life, not again.
I feel myself being gently lifted up and carried out of the shower stall. I can't tell who it is but frankly I don't care because I'm grateful. Closing my eyes, I let myself fall asleep in the person's arms.
*
The sound of shuffling wakes me up but I don't open my eyes. I don't know where I am or who's with me. All I can hear is someone opening a cabinet, closing it, and the sound of some kind of liquid. When I hear the footsteps coming towards me I ready myself to attack. As soon as I feel a hand touch my lips, I snap my eyes open and grab the person's arm. I twist it to the side and jump down from the table. Before I know it the person spins around and holds both of my hands behind my back. The only thing I can do is struggle against their hold, their grip isn't tight and finally looking around I realize I'm in the infirmary.
"Natalia." I stop struggling as soon as I realize who it is. The Soldier spins me around and softly pushes me back towards the table. Understanding what he means, I hop back on it so he can continue cleaning up my face. I don't want to know what it looks like because no doubt it isn't pretty. He dabs a cotton ball on my mouth, wiping away the blood. I can't meet his eyes, I'm so ashamed, embarrassed, angry, humiliated. I feel like I'm a damsel in distress, like some princess that needs saving which I'm far from. He must think I'm weak, that I can't even defend myself against a couple girls. But I could've killed them if I did. Where are they?
"Why didn't you fight back?" He asks while beginning to clean the blood from my nose.
"I could've killed them if I did." I reply, still not meeting his gaze. The Soldier stops for a second, then continues. We stay in silence, only the sound of my heart beating fills my ears.
"They deserve to die." He mumbles after a while. Looking over his shoulder I see a trashcan full of bloody tissues and cotton balls. How long have I been asleep?
"No they don't." I sigh. "Not yet anyway. If they're going to die, it's going to be because they aren't good enough to stay in the program."
The Soldier steps back from the table and turns around, throwing the cotton ball away. He begins cleaning up the supplies and I just watch him move. He has a weird kind of grace when he does things, whether it's cleaning my wounds, walking, or fighting me.
"Why?" The Soldier stops for a second and clenches his jaw. Not taking his eyes off of the blood-stained gauze, he lets out a deep breath. My question caught him off guard but it looks like it has a much deeper meaning than I thought.
"I don't like bullies." He simply says and continues to clean up.
"How long was I asleep?" I ask, looking up from fumbling with my fingers. The Soldier finishes up cleaning and turns around to look at me, folding his arms and leaning against the counter. Looking down at his hand, the right one, I notice how bruised his knuckles are.
"A couple hours." He responds gruffly, then walks towards the door to leave. "Come on."
I've been asleep for a couple hours?! What time is it? I follow the Soldier down the staircase until we make it to the training room. When he opens the door I look up at the ceiling and see no light, it's already night. We walk to the middle of the mat and get into position. Even though I'm badly hurt there's no way he'll go easy on me, he doesn't have that kind of mercy. The Soldier shoots out his arm and aims for my stomach, knowing that's where I'm hurt the most. Before his fist can hit me, I catch it and twist it back until I heard a pop. The Soldier lets out a strangles grunt and leans forward, kneeing me in the stomach. Doubling over in pain, I hold onto his shoulders for support. That son of a bitch. As my head's hanging down he then decides to knee me in the face too. I stumble back and place my hand against my nose, sighing in relief when I see no blood. Watching as he relocates his elbow, I hear it pop back into place. We continue training for a couple more hours though it seems like mere minutes. Hearing his grunts of pain is like music to my ears and I know the same goes for him. We get pleasure out of each others pain. I remember saying I have to distance myself from him, but just that thought now seems impossible. I can't, I don't want to. I feel so at ease around him but at the same time vigilant, it's a weird feeling. I trust him, yet I don't. He brings out the worst in me, and now I'm not so sure that's a bad thing.