Without asking anything, James only comforts me. I feel shaky and ethereal, as if all I am has been ripped off of me, and now I'm a shadow lingering on this dimension, holding on to whatever I can get my hands on. I think I'm taking energy from James because after a while he can't even hold us both, his breathing becomes hard and uneven before his knees give out.
"Are you okay?" I ask him when we have collapsed to the ground. I pull away just in case it's my fault he's like this. I've hurt him, I've almost frozen him, but I have never drained him like this.
"Just... let me catch my breath," he asks, struggling to do so.
I watch in concern how he takes deep breaths just to pull himself together, but not even that helps so I head to the kitchen in my weak state, stumbling and tripping, but I make it there and I grab a cup that I fill with lukewarm water, and put some sugar in it before going back to James. I notice then he's lost all colour and looks as pale as a ghost, pun intended.
Hands tremble when he grabs the cup I've brought for him; weakly, he takes a sip and cringes at how sweet it is. I don't even know if it works, I think it does, I might've heard about it when I was alive or dead, who knows?
"Are you feeling any better?" I ask, completely ignoring how feeble I feel, I'm more worried about James.
"Yeah, I'm not sure what happened. I suddenly felt like I had run three marathons," he comments, his voice low and whispery.
"I think it was my fault." The guilt rushes to me like waves in a tsunami, I don't even receive an alarm, beforehand, I'm just drowned in it before I realise what's happening. "I... I think I stole your vitality."
"But you've never done that before," James refutes, already trying to ease my worry and guilt.
"I think I was in desperate need now, like never before. I was... feeling weaker than I've ever felt."
"Is it because we're here? Should we go back home?" James asks in panic but I shake my head. I'm pretty sure the real reason why I'm feeling like this is because of what happened after James arrived.
Shaking my head, I add, "I just... I shouldn't be here?" It ends like a question because I'm not even sure about what I'm saying. This is unknown to me, I've never crossed over before and no one has prepared me for it.
"What do you mean?" He asks, his hand trying to grab mine but I avoid him. If I'm right and I'm the one who stole his vitality, then I can't touch him until I feel more like myself.
"Something happened before you came," I start, feeling a lump in my throat already at the mere memory of it. In my head I see the creature again, what came for me, and I shiver. Was that supposed to be the Grim Reaper? "I... I realised I had finally let go of my grudge and that I was happy with you, and I guess... I guess you were right. My lesson was letting go and living my own life. If I had done that when I was alive, if I hadn't listened to the bullies or given them the power to break me, if I had forgiven them for being so wrong and lived my life instead, holding on to my family, it would've been different. If I had even told my parents the hell I was living in and asked them to look for a better life, away from here... everything would've been different. But I held on to their words instead, I listened to them and believed them right. I focused on what they thought of me instead of looking for my own future and happiness somewhere else. I started hating and resenting them when I should've ignored them or turned my back on them."
"It's hard to know what to do when you are under constant attack," James reminds me and I nod.
"It's just darkness and self-hatred when you're living that. It's impossible to see logic, even if someone is telling you what to do. I was weak back then because I couldn't understand what I had to do. Fifteen years later I learn my lesson."
"That's good, I mean at least now you..." James' voice fades away as he starts realising what he's said and the implications of it. I can't meet his eyes, my heart racing at the memory of the fear I felt when the Grim Reaper came for me.
"I can cross over now," I reply for him and even if he tries to control himself, I can see in his eyes his own fear and reluctance, the panic he feels when I tell him this. He tenses and drops the cup, instinctively reaching out for me.
"When? How can you be sure? Is it really all you need?" He sounds stronger now, but I know it's not due to his sudden recovery of strength or because the sweet water worked, this is just panic giving him an adrenaline rush.
"Well..." I don't even know how to explain what happened, or where to begin. "I was just here, thinking of what I told you and just how happy I am right now with you... And then something showed up." James frowns, confused with what I'm telling him. "He was just there, at the other side of the pool. It looked like a person, but he wasn't. I couldn't really distinguish features or even call gender. It was just there... blurry, but as I thought it could be a man, it looked more like a man."
"Are you telling me it was taking the characteristics you gave it?" James suggests, trying to help me make sense out of what I'm telling.
"I guess." I shrug. Just talking about it is making me weak again, my vision becoming blurry like the Grim Reaper, hard to focus on. "I think he was a Grim Reaper."
"How do you know that? Maybe it was another ghost or some other kind of spirit?" James suggested but we both know it can't be like that, ghosts look just like any living person, that's why he can't tell one from the other, the only difference is that ghosts can't be seen by ordinary people.
"He told me to go with him, I had learnt my lesson," I finally reply and James' face is drained from all colour again. The panic that had made blood rush to his cheeks is working against him again, probably even his heart has skipped a beat. I can't see the dread and disbelief in his eyes, the denial and surprise.
"But... but you're here. You're still here with me," he mutters, sounding as puzzled as he looks.
"I... I got scared," I confess. "I don't know what happens when I go, I don't know if I'll remember you. I don't know and that scares me."
"Where is he now?" James asks next, looking around, seeking for that Grim Reaper I was talking about.
"He was gone when you arrived, after I... after I..." For some reason I'm scared of telling James what I did, even if it was accidental and I wasn't really thinking. I am not sure it was a good thing. "After I refused to go with him. I just... I couldn't go if you weren't around and without saying goodbye, and not knowing what really waits for me there."
"Your... your mum waits for you," James reminds me with a small voice. It seems he's having trouble breathing again, but he's doing his best to look whole.
"Really? How? Like her or something else? What happens there? Do we live in a paradise or what? I killed myself, why would I be allowed where my mum is?" I snap. "I don't know what happens next, James. But I know what happens if I stay here with you."
"No one knows what happens," he comments ever so sadly, but I shake my head.
"It's not the same! When people die they don't get a choice, they just take the next step. I decided my death and then stayed over here, and now it is my choice to go somewhere I have no clue about. It could be hell for what I know!" I'm shaking but it's not due to how weak I am, it's just fear that has taken control of me. "You think if people had a choice they would always cross over? Or even die? You think it's easier taking that step when you don't know if there'll be a ground to step on once you cross the door? It could be a cliff, too!"
James takes my wrists in his hands, trying to calm me down but when he touches me he retracts immediately, hissing as if I've burnt him, which, of course, must be my fault.
"I have a future with you, I have plans. I don't want to give them up, when I finally have something to look forward. So I said no, I didn't go with him."
"Paige... we talked about this," he reminds me and even if he wants to sound confident and reassuring, he only sounds hurt and scared. "We were supposed to find your lesson and help you cross over, but changed planes because you thought you couldn't do it."
"No! We changed plans because we wanted to be together! Or was that just me?"
I don't know why I'm yelling at him, why I feel like he's betrayed me somehow. I crawl back, away from him, still shaking in both fear and frustration.
"Of course not! I want to be with you, too, but if you found your unfinished business and fulfilled it, if you had a chance to cross over, then you should've taken it."
"You want me to leave? Is that? Without even saying goodbye? Is that why you're saying that, James? You wanted to come back and not find me anywhere, not knowing what happened to me or where I went?" It hurts, my throat closes up and I want to cry, I feel like I could burst out into tears, but I can't and it's as unnerving as it's always been.
"Of course not!" he repeats. "Paige, stops putting words in my mouth! I'm just saying this was important, you didn't have to just plain reject it. What happens to you now? You lost your chance! You think it'll come again?"
"And what if it doesn't? Is that bad? I had accepted that already."
James rubs his hands over his face, clearly as frustrated as I feel. I'm sure he would've stood up and come over if he wasn't as weak as he is.
"I couldn't leave without saying goodbye, James. Even if that was what I had to do, I just couldn't. I can't. I won't!"
"Aren't you scared of what might happen to you for rejecting your opportunity?" James asks, his voice shaky and I think tears are welling up in his eyes. "I'm terrified of what might happen to you."
"How can you ask me to leave you?!" I cry out, clenching my heart in desperation and heartbreak. "How?" I break down.
"I'm not asking you that, I'm just... I'm just..." James looks down, the ball of his hands pressed to his eyes and I can see his body trembling. "I'm just saying that you... you should've thought of you and do what you had to." He looks up, feebly, timidly.
"I couldn't," I insists. "I said no before I could even realise what I was doing."
"Paige," he calls my name, a plea. The emotions that one word carry are so conflictive, I can hear the longing and the fear, I can feel the despair and the determination.
"I know," I breathe out. "I know I should've gone but how can you ask me to do that? If you were in my shoes what would you have done? Would you have just left without a word?"
James looks away because the answer is clear: he would've done the same thing. Even if it was wrong, even if it was probably dangerous and it meant I lost my chance forever... I just couldn't go. I'm sure that if people had a chance to say goodbye before leaving, they would all take it. If people could say no to death and get a chance to stay, they would all take it. I didn't know it was going to work, I didn't think the Grim Reaper would just go when I said no, but it happened.
"I had... I had embraced the chance of never cross over already. It makes no difference now." I try smiling, hoping to reassure him with my words, but it seems my actions can't touch him. "I'll be fine."
"How can you be sure?" James asks. "How can you be sure something else won't come for you and drag you without a warning? We don't know anything! We have no clue what might be the consequences of this."
"We've never known!" I shout, insisting on something, holding desperately on to something. "But I know I have you and that I won't leave you unless something drags me away."
"Paige." This time is a scold.
Shaking my head, I ask him, "Why are you so ready to let go of me?"
"It's not that, you know it. I'm just... scared for you."
"Just hold my hand, then!" I insist, crawling back to him, slowly, hesitantly. "Until the end, don't let me go. I don't want to say goodbye."
James doesn't reply, he can't even utter a word, he doesn't even grab the hand I'm holding up for him, and that... that hurts more than anything I can think of. I understand what he means so I drop my hand, turn around and leave him there, as alone as he wants to be.
⋙⋘
Oh, pain and tragedy everywhere! And the next chapter is the final one. Blimey! What might happen? However, there will be an epilogue and a mini sequel :) also, I've posted the argument for my new paranormal book, also with ghosts, so if you liked Unseen, you should check Haunted (you find it on my profile).
Dedication to mysterium_luminaria
Bel, xx
~updates every Monday~
Follow me on twitter! @BelWatson