Dedicated to larrysbeard for the amazing banner on the side, thank you!
--
(Unedited)
And it's hard to love again,
When the only way it's been,
When the only love you knew, just walked away...
If it's something that you want,
Darling you don't have to run,
You don't have to go...
~Kiss Me Slowly- Parachute
I woke up too warm, with a light breath against my neck.
We weren't touching or anything, I had just stole the blanket. Which is just about the worse crime one can commit when sharing a bed with someone else. Oh god, I am the worst. And totally screwed. I mean, what if he gets pneumonia and dies and his fan girls find out it was my fault? Not to mention, it's just a horrible thing to do, stealing the blanket. I rolled out of the bed and slid the covers over Kaden's sleeping form, then check in the clock. Seven in the morning. Ten in New York.
Good enough.
My shirt from yesterday smelled a little like sweat and carpet cleaner from spending a night on the floor, so I left Kaden's shirt on. My jeans were fine, though, so I put them on. I didn't exactly want to be walking around without pants on anyway, that had been awkward enough last for two minutes, in the dark, with just Kaden. I grabbed an elastic and tied the shirt up so it didn't hang too much, then slipped out of them room.
No one else was awake. The hotel suite was silent except for the occasional snore coming from Brett and Kallie's room.
I walked over to the kitchen area and checked the fridge to see if I should make breakfast or just let everyone order room service. The fridge was fully stocked, so I decided on the the first option. I need something to do anyway, since TV would be too loud and a certain someone had my stuff in her room.
I had just started frying some bacon when Clark walked in. Well, more like walked out of his room He looked coherent, but tired, and he was shirtless, 'cause you know, guys like to run around like they're Jacob Black. He looked at my shirt with a raised eyebrow. "Did something happen last night?"
I rolled my eyes, though I wasn't really annoyed since I had kind of expected the teasing. "You, I don't like you. You and you're dirty mind don't deserve Bells," I said, pointing the spatula at him.
My words, despite them being a joke, made the teasing grin disappear from his face. "I know I don't," he replied quietly.
I sighed. "Clark, I wasn't being serious."
"I was. With everything that's happened..." he trailed off.
I turned back to the bacon so he wouldn't see me roll me eyes. "Clark, you and Bells' track record is pretty good, considering what you guys have been through." For a couple moments, the only sound in room was the sizzling of oil and bacon.
"How's Blake?" Clark asked, changing the subject.
"He's good," I answered, flipping the bacon onto a plate. "Nice of you to ask, most people wouldn't," I said, setting the food on the table. He shrugged and didn't reply.
He didn't really need to, though, because another voice filled the silence. "Heartfelt talks at seven in the morning over fried bacon? I want in," Kaden teased, walking out of our room. Like, Clark he was only wearing his pajama bottoms. Okay, seriously? What is it with guys and going shirtless? They run around like they don't own a shirt. They're completely shameless. I mean, I feel awkward in a shirt that's long enough to be a dress. How do they manage half-naked?
"You stole the blanket last night," Kaden said.
Guilt flooded me. "I know, I know, I'm sorry, please don't send your crazy fan girls after me," I blurted out.
Kaden opened his mouth to reply, but before he could, Clark cut in. "As much fun as it is third-wheeling, I think I'm gonna go," he said, turning to leave.
I blushed and pulled out the ingredients to make pancakes out of the fridge to give myself something to do. "You're not third-wheeling, Clark," I called after him.
"Keep telling yourself that, Raine," he replied, then disappeared into his room, leaving Kaden and I alone.
"So you're scared of crazy fan girls?" Kaden asked, coming around beside me after stealing a piece of bacon.
I shrugged and cut off a bit of butter, then stuck it in the microwave. "Nope, just yours." It was weird, because all of this almost felt normal. The teasing, and talking, I mean. So far there hadn't really been any awkward pauses or pained looks. Then again, he'd only been in the room for five minutes.
"Do I get to know why?" He pulled out the butter after the microwave beeped and handed it to me, then turned to watch me with a raised eyebrow.
"Because," I deadpanned. 'They're crazy and want to kill me for touching their precious." It wasn't exactly a lie; I had seen hate pages and comments on Twitter and over the Internet. They were pretty funny and strangely addicting to read.
Kaden chuckled. Then his eyes slid down and he took in my outfit for what I guess was the first time this morning. "You're still wearing my shirt," he remarked, his expression unreadable.
I set down the spatula I was using to mix together all the different ingredients. "Do you want it back?"
"Is that your way of offering to walk around half-naked?" he asked, a teasing grin on his face.
I flushed. "No."
He laughed and smiled wickedly. "Shame."
"Shut up," I told him, flicking a bit of pancake batter at him.
He raised an eyebrow. "You really don't want to go there." I shrugged and tilted my head, looking at him curiously. "You know, this actually feels normal," he told me quietly, turning serious. Oh. Right. The moving on thing.
Stupidly enough, I had almost, almost, almost forgotten about it.
"Sorry," he said when I didn't reply. He gave me a slightly rueful, slightly pained smile. "I shouldn't have said that."
***
"I think we're getting pretty good at this," Kaden remarked as we walked away from yet another group of rich people. We were at the Fleming's charity ball, which was being hosted at the top floor of hotel. It was just after dinner, so it was the oh-so-lovely time to socialize. Don't get me wrong, the people are, contrary to what most people may believe, pretty nice, I'm just really bad at, you know talking to people.
"I wonder why. I mean, we've only been pretending for two months now," I replied dryly. He nodded and smiled at a couple as we passed them, but didn't stop. I looked up to see we were heading towards my Dad, who was talking to Mr. Fleming and a man I didn't recognize.
"That's Jillian's dad, Mr. King. He runs a record label that we represent," Kaden said quietly, as if he had just read my mind. Woah, that was Jillian's dad? I wonder if Jillian's here...
"You know a lot of the clients," I remarked, choosing not to voice my question.
He shrugged. "I'm supposed to take over the firm someday," he told me, looking away.
"Hey," I said softly, bumping my shoulder against his to get him to look at me. "Is that what you want?"
He shrugged again. "I don't mind it. Defending the weak and all," he joked, though his smile didn't really reach his eyes. I raised an eyebrow and simply stared at him. I don't remember where I had learned it, but apparently sometimes, silence was the best way to make people talk. And it worked. "It's time consuming, and I'm just... Worried I won't have enough time for the things that matter the most to me," he said. I opened my mouth to respond, but he just shook his head. That's when I noticed we were almost within hearing distance of Dad, Mr. Fleming and Mr. King.
"Hey Dad," I said as we approached them. I eyed the drink in his hand nervously, but didn't comment. "Mr. Fleming, Mr. King." I gave them a nod and what I hoped was a convincing smile. I didn't mind Dad and Mr. Fleming, of course, but Mr. King made me feel a little bit uncomfortable. He wasn't really hiding the fact that he was looking me up and down, probably comparing me to his daughter. Did he know Kaden rejected her? By the glint in his eyes, probably.
"Raine Evans, I presume." Whoa, okay and he's formal. Intimidation has just risen. "I must go, my wife is waiting for me." And with that as a goodbye, he spun on his heel and left.
Okay then.
I guess I've just gone from socially awkward to people repellent.
Great.
"Dad, can I talk to you for a moment?" Kaden asked. He glanced at me. "I'll be back in a bit," he said when his dad nodded.
"Avril?" Dad asked quietly once they left.
"She's doing well. She didn't really want to talk about herself, though," I replied, keeping my voice soft so the people around us wouldn't hear what we were talking about.
He nodded. "Owen's visiting. He might be able to get something out of her." He took a sip from the cup.
"Dad, be careful, alright?" I told him, lowering my voice even further. I nodded to the glass slightly.
"Don't worry about me, Raine." I winced, though I did my best to hide it. He was already slurring a bit. Whatever was in that glass had to be pretty strong. "Your mother wanted to speak to you."
"I'll go find her," And tell her to keep an eye on you, maybe. I added in my head. I have him a quick hug than slipped away to find Mom. She was with a group of women, but when she saw me approaching, she broke away and met me halfway.
"Hey Mom," I said. Before we could say anything else, Kaden walked up. Then, before any of us had even opened our mouths, we were interrupted again.
By Jillian King.
"Hey Kaden," she exclaimed, the slight swaying of her body and loudness of her voice giving away that she was just a little less than sober. "Raine, Mrs. Evans." I smiled and nodded in response, not really knowing what to say. I didn't really need to say anything, though, because she had already turned back to Kaden. "Want to dance?"
Well. Okay, the awkwardness just increased.
Like, a lot.
She didn't seem to notice, though. Instead, just stared at him beseechingly.
"Go ahead," I said, aware of the fact that every camera was probably turned our way right now. "I need to talk with Mom, anyway," I told him, keeping an easy smile on my face.
"Are you sure?" he asked playing along. I nodded. "I'll be back soon." He pressed a quick kiss to my forehead, then led Jillian away.
"How are you and Kaden?" Mom asked, a small, amused smile on her face.
I rolled my eyes, and pulled her to the side of the room, away from prying eyes and ears before answering. "We're great, Mom, thanks," I replied. "Same as always," I clarified when she stared at me blankly. I quickly glanced around the room. Kaden and Jillian were near the edge of the dancing area, dancing.
For some reason, the sight hurt, a lot more than it should have. It almost made me wonder if I had made the right choice, in telling him to go. It had been for the cameras, we didn't need cheating accusations, and scandals right now, but at the same time for him. Because Jillian was good for him. She was beautiful, used to fame, good with words, his perfect counterpart. Knowing that didn't really make it hurt less though.
When I looked up, Mom was watching me intently. "You still care," she said. It wasn't a question, just a statement, a fact. I shrugged and didn't bother denying it, she knew me too well. "Are you guys still pretending?" I nodded. She shot me an incredulous look. "Why? You both want it. That much is obvious."
"It wouldn't work," I replied with another shrug. I looked away, not really wanting to talk about this, because the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to change my mind, and that would be bad, because I knew I would just end up running again. Avril's words kept repeating over and over in my head the fact that he hasn't given up on you says something. Maybe some of it had been his fault, but most of it had been mine.
She narrowed her eyes at me. "You're still scared, aren't you?"
"N-" I started, but she shot me a disbelieving look, so I stopped.
"Raine. You and Kaden aren't your father and I," she said. Oh no. Not this again. I've heard it a million times, from Mom, from Bells, from Devon, even from Dad, despite how uncomfortable he is with topics like this. And even though I know that it could be true, it wasn't just that. It was me.
"You should watch Dad, he's been drinking," I told her, changing the subject.
"I will. Don't worry about us, Raine. You have your own problems to worry about."
"It's a lot easier, focusing on other people's problems, than even acknowledging yours," I admitted, looking away. It was funny, in a bit of an ironic way, how Mom could make me admit stuff in a room full of strangers, but some of my closest friends couldn't get me to say one word, when we were alone. It wasn't that I was scared to tell them, it was just that I knew they would do something about what I said, while Mom would leave everything to me, unless I asked for her help.
"I know, it always is," Mom said, pulling me into a hug. "But you need to fix this, it'll make the both of you happier."
I sighed. "It's just hard to figure out what's real, and what's in my head."
"Then write it down." She pulled a pen and a piece of paper from her purse. It was a new letter for something, but one side was blank. "It helps seeing everything on paper."
"Now?" I asked, staring at her wide eyed.
"There are stairs down the hall that lead to the roof if you want to be alone," she told me, nodding to a hallway off to our right. It wasn't a bad idea, actually. I kind of wanted to get away from and all the people. Vaguely, I remembered her telling me to do this when I was younger. But that had been for much simpler things, like what I wanted for my birthday, and who I wanted to invite over on days off school.
"Thanks mom," I said, pulling her into another hug.
"I want you to be happy, Raine," she whispered. "And Raine?"
"Yeah?"
"Next time you talk, be honest," she told me.
Over her shoulder, I looked back to where Kaden and Jillian were dancing. She meant Kaden, right? She had to. "What?"
"Trust me on this. Just try saying what you want to say and not what you think you should."
"Okay, I'll try," I promised, swallowing. I pulled away from her, then after a glance around to make sure no one else was watching, headed down the hallway. There was a small staircase at the end, that indeed led to the rooftop. It was pretty flat, and covered in a bit of gravel. I made my way across the roof, clutching the paper and pen in my hands. I took a seat on the edge and stared at the paper.
After a moment, I drew three lines to divide the paper. What I know, what I don't know and what people say.
Then I started writing.
What I know: Kaden didn't hate me.
What I didn't know: Why he didn't hate me.
What Kallie said: Because I make him happy.
I continued like this until I couldn't think of anything else. I didn't stop to re-read what I had written, I wasn't even sure if I would be able to in the end. It was pretty dark out, so words were probably layered on top of each other as well as running off the page.
Mom was right, it did help clear my head, even though I hadn't read any of it over yet.
"Hey," a familiar voice said from behind me.
I jumped and turned around to see Kaden, standing there somewhat awkwardly, his hands in his pockets. "Hey," I replied quietly. "I didn’t hear you come up."
"What's in your hand?" he asked, sitting down beside me.
Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. "Nothing," I lied, crumpling the paper into a ball. I was hoping he would let it go, but I knew that wouldn't happen.
"Hey, what's that?" He stared at something over my shoulder. It was an old, preschool trick that I really shouldn't have fallen for. I fell for it, still though. Before I could stop him, Kaden stole the paper from my hands and uncrumpled it. His expression immediately sobered as he read the words I had messily scrawled across the paper in half-darkness. "Why are you writing this?" he asked, looking part pained, part confused. I sighed and looked away, stupidly hoping I could get away with not having to answer.
I should've known it wouldn't work.
"Raine," he said, gently pressing his fingers against my cheeks so I would look at him.
"I'm just trying to figure out everything in my head."
"I thought you already had it figured out," he remarked, a tinge of bitterness in his voice.
I shook my head. "If only."
We fell silent for a moment, the only noise that filled the air was the sounds of cars honking and people yelling from below us.
"You know I can't do the strangers thing," Kaden said quietly.
No. No. No. "Kaden, d-"
He shook his head. "Nothing you say is going to change my mind. I can't do it." I didn't reply, just squeezed my eyes shut and started counting to ten so I wouldn't say anything stupid. One. Two. "I just wanted to tell you, so if you want me to stay away from you, I will. I can talk to Kallie, and Summer Productions." Eight. Nine. Ten. He took my silence as my answer and stood up, a dark chuckle escaping his lips. "Come back soon, okay? People will start wondering where you are."
Then he turned and walked away.
And it felt like goodbye.
More than when I had been saying it.
Because this time, he was giving up.
Not me.
It was finally him.
"I don't get it," I blurted out before I could stop myself. Immediately, I cursed myself. I should've just let him walk away. He would've moved on and been happy, like he deserved.
He froze, but didn't turn around. "What?"
"Why you didn't give up a long time ago. Like- like after the shit I pulled the first time." No going back now.
"I don't know either. I probably should've. Would've made things a lot less complicated," he replied, his tone flat, emotionless. That was how I knew he was already slipping from me.
I fingered the edge of my dress, staring at the bright twinkling lights of a city that seemed a world away. "Yeah, you really should've. Would've saved you a lot of trouble. I'm sorry."
He didn't turn around, still, but his voice softened. "Why are you sorry?"
He can't be serious. But he was. He didn't laugh, he hadn't used a sarcastic tone, he somehow, really didn't know the answer. "Because you wasted so much time on something that probably hurt more than it was worth."
Finally, he turned back around. "You don't know what I feel."
"You should find someone who deserves you, Kaden. You should be happy." What a cliché line. It was true, though. As much as I wanted to, with everything that happened, I wouldn't be able to be in a normal, healthy relationship with him. The fear, and how he should be with someone who was good for him would haunt me for forever.
He didn't respond.
I stood up. "We should go before people start wondering where we are. And before I do something stupid," I said, muttering the last part under my breath.
Not quietly enough, though, apparently, because as I walked by him, he grabbed my arm, spinning me around to make me face him. "Stupid like what?"
Mom's words came back to me, then. Be honest.
But it would've been bad, stupid, it would've screwed things up more.
Trust me on this, she had said. Just try saying what you want to say and not what you think you should.
I gulped. "Stupid like taking it all back."
"Do you want to?"
"Does it matter if I want to?"
"Because I want you to." Before I could even so much as to register what he was doing, his lips were on mine.
I knew I should've pushed him away, that I shouldn't have kissed him back. But I was selfish and I didn't have the strength to pull away, so I didn't. And, I guess I wanted it. I wanted it because it could be the last time, the last time we did it for real, for us, and not the cameras.
I gripped his suit jacket, the material bunching in my hands. I wanted closed, almost, just a little bit more. Even if it was for a second, just enough to say goodbye.
Then the tip of his tongue gently pressed against my lips and the world fell away.
I wasn't sure how long we stood there, locked together, but it was long enough to make my lungs start screaming for air. I broke away, gasping quietly. "I want you, Raine, problems and all," he whispered, his lips brushing against mine with every word.
I pulled away, staring at the ground between our feet, not wanting him to see how I felt. Not wanting him to do this again, to put himself through it again for me. "You shouldn't. You really, really shouldn't."
"Stop telling me what I should feel, Raine." He drew in a deep breath. "How about a fresh start? I want to try, without the strings attached," he said, his thumb brushing my cheek. I hadn't even realized I was crying. "Just forget about what happened."
"I can't." And you shouldn't want it. I added in my head, but I didn't say it out loud, because he would tell me again that I shouldn't think about him. I couldn't not think about what would happen if I got scared. Trying again would be so selfish.
"Just try. Don't think about what you think will happen, or what you think is best for me," he continued as if he had read my mind. "Promise you'll try. Please." His fingers slid under my chin, tilting my head up to look at him. I caved at the sight of his stormy eyes, misted with tears. Kaden never cried. Ever.
"I promise," I whispered, letting my head fall against his shoulder. I breathed in his familiar scent, trying not to think about what would happen, what could happen. Just now. Just this moment. Even if it's all gone tomorrow, just think about now.
"Good," he said quietly, his arms winding around me.
Then the door slammed open, causing both of us to pull away from each other sharply, like we were little kids who had been caught with their hands in the cookie jar. Which was stupid, since we were supposed to be dating. "Kaden? Raine?" Brett called out.
"Fucking worst timing ever, Brett!" Kaden yelled back, keeping his eyes on me.
"Something Kallie would kill me for?"
Neither of us replied. We didn't really need to, though, because a second later, the door slammed shut.
And then it was just us and a city that seemed to be a million miles away.
-READ ME-
Writing the last scene killed me. I think I actually cried. (0.o) I knew it would end well but asdfjkl; idek.
Vote, if you, for even a moment, thought things were gonna get worse.
Comment, if you're glad Raiden's back together.
Fan, if you... Idek what. Fan if you want. :3
Update: Aiming for Saturday, Latest Tuesday
Teaser: "He's revealed fake relationships before. He might even go as far as to making you guys say 'I love you' on live television."
Question: Do you guys agree with Raine? About how she doesn't deserve Kaden? Or no? Or is it the other way around?
~JJ :)
PS. (WARNING SPOILER ALERT AHEAD)
I most likely, as in 99% likely will not do something to Raiden again. I don't really have anything planned, at least not something like what I've done before.