I needed to talk to someone, someone who wouldn’t judge. I thought of calling Luke but I knew he was busy with his new charge. I was going to call my brother but that just didn’t seem logical either.
So went to the park, Central Park, and took a walk, like I used to when I couldn’t clear my head. Only this time Luke wasn’t there to join me and after a while I felt more than a little lonely. I found myself next to a lake where several weeping willows stood. I plopped down under one and closed my eyes.
“What are you doing, Ana?”
I knew he wasn’t really here, he never was. In fact, I hadn’t seen my usual illusion of Aidan in a while. But when I opened my eyes and looked to my left, there he stood with his hands in his pockets.
“I don’t know,” I whispered. “I’m a little lost.”
He sat down next to me and propped himself up with his elbows, looking up at the sky.
“You like him.”
“Why do you have to put it like that?”
“Because it’s the truth. You’re confused and you don’t know how to feel.”
I shook my head and closed my eyes. “This wasn’t supposed to happen again. Not after…”
“Hey,” he reached over and placed a see-through hand on my shoulder, “it’s ok. You’re allowed to have feelings, Ana. Even if it is for someone else.”
“Not like these. I can’t get involved with him, in any way. It wouldn’t be fair.”
“You can’t be alone forever.” I opened my eyes and looked at him. “You’re allowed to be with someone else.”
I shook my head. “No, not with the cost.”
“What happened…” he looked at my throat where I still bore the scar of what happened between us, “that’s never going to happen again. For one, he’s not a Vampire and two, the circumstances were different. Things happened between us that don’t usually happen in a normal relationship.”
“I can’t…”
He moved so he was kneeling in front of me.
“First loves are supposed to be hard and for you it was made doubly hard. They burn bright for a short period of time, eclipsing everything else and making you feel something you’ve never felt before. That’s why you remember them forever but it eventually, they burn out and it’s gone.”
“No it doesn’t.”
His hand moved to my face and I wished for the millionth time that it was real instead of my imagination trying to make me feel better.
“You’ll stop feeling it. Eventually, you won’t even remember what it felt like when I touched you, kissed you. It’s already fading, you know that. Same thing with Michael. Soon you’ll forget how either of us felt, our faces will begin to fade from your memory, the sound of our voices…”
“No,” I snapped. “That’s not going to happen. Someone has to…to remember you the way you were.”
“That’s a burden you can’t carry, Ana. No one should have to be burdened something like that.”
“I can’t forget what it was like…I have to keep remembering in case…”
“Don’t you think if it was going to happen, if he was going to remember and come for you, that he would’ve done so already? It’s been a year. The chances of it coming back have dropped dramatically and will more than likely never come back.”
The illusion melted until Jason was the one kneeling in front of me.
“Your Aidan is with me now, Georgiana. He’s not going to come back and you know it. Stop diluting yourself and move on. He has.”
“He’ll come back for me, he promised.”
“Empty promises. They were all…empty. Lying to you was so easy, the emotion so simple to fake. He’ll never come for you because it’s gone. I took it with me, stole it away, when he killed me. You were never supposed to be happy with him, or Michael, or anyone else for that matter. Raphael saw to that when he brought you into this world red-faced and screaming.”
“You’re lying.”
“You’re special, Georgiana. Your blood makes you special. Aidan will never remember what it was like to hold you, to lay next to you sweaty and naked after making love. He can’t even be in your presence thanks to the pact. To him, they were just things that happened. There’s no emotion or feelings connected to them.” He smiled, trying to look sympathetic. “It would be best for everyone involved if you just…moved on and forgot too.”
“No.”
He raised an eyebrow. “He’s forgotten all about you, I can assure you. He’s paraded himself in front of enough cameras to prove it…he knew you’d be looking. He wanted to hurt you and have there to be no doubt in your mind that he was done.”
“He would never do that. He’s not that cold hearted.”
“Your Aidan wasn’t but my Aidan…” he smiled that cold, ruthless smile I was used to seeing, “he was designed to do exactly what he’s doing right now. I picked him for a reason, remember?”
I closed my eyes and willed Aidan to come back. I didn’t want to talk to Jason anymore. Aidan was supposed to be here…making me feel better like he usually did.
Not worse.
“Ana? Did you hear me?”
I opened my eyes. He was back to sitting next to me, looking up at the sky.
“No,” I whispered. “What did you say?”
He chuckled. “I was wondering what stars are up there, where we can’t see. Do you think that’s where his feelings are for you?”
“What do you mean?”
He looked at me, his brown eyes soft and full of love.
“Do you think his feelings are there, just out of reach and sight, like the stars during the day? Maybe they’re eclipsed by something brighter.”
“You mean like the sun?”
He nodded. “What do you think will happen when the sun sets and he’s finally able to feel it again?”
I closed my eyes and prayed the tears wouldn’t fall.
“It’s never going to happen.”
“Yes it is.” He moved so he was close to me. “Look at me.” I tried to get everything under control when I looked but a tear leaked out instead. “He’ll feel it again. Don’t give up, Ana. You were right, I was wrong. I’m sorry. Don’t give up. Promise me.”
My breath caught in my chest and that same sorrow rose up.
“I can’t promise you that. Eventually I won’t have to pretend anymore. I’ll wake up one day and it’ll all be gone. You were right, it’s already fading.”
He shook his head, his brown eyes desperate.
“You—you don’t mean that.”
“Even you said…”
“I was wrong. Ana, I was wrong. You have to remember, you have to keep the candle burning or I won’t be able to find my way back.”
“This life is going to take me over, Aidan. It’s already started and soon, the memories will be eclipsed, just like the sun does to the stars during the day.”
“What about the night? The sun has to go down…”
“It’ll be like Alaska. Days of perpetual sunlight.”
He shook his head and reached out to touch me but his hands passed right through me. Like they always did. He turned frustrated and tried again, and again. Finally a sob ripped its way out and he looked at me, his frustrations forgotten.
“Ana, please…don’t cry.”
“It’s over, isn’t it? It’s really over. You’re not real.”
“That doesn’t matter. I promised I would always be there for you, that I would be with you forever. I am. I will…”
I got up and he looked up at me desperately.
“Ana, please don’t give up on me. He’ll remember, I swear. Everything will be fine and perfect when he remembers.”
I shook my head. “No, it won’t. You were right—he would’ve remembered by now. It’s gone forever.”
He got up and tried to grip my shoulders. When that didn’t work he held his hands in fists by his sides.
“It’s not gone. He just forgot…feelings like that just don’t go away, Ana. Something that powerful couldn’t be lost.”
“Maybe they weren’t as powerful as you thought.”
“Miss?” someone said. “Are you alright?”
I turned and saw an older gentleman standing a few feet away, eyeing me wearily. When he saw the look on my face and the fact that I’d been crying, his face softened just a little.
“Is there someone I can call for you?”
“I’m fine,” I whispered, tears coloring my tone. “I was just…I needed a quiet place to—to think.”
He nodded like he understood completely. “Are you sure you’re alright?”
“I am. Thank you.”
He gave me a brief smile and walked away. I turned back to the spot where Aidan was standing before but he was gone.
My heart breaking a thousand times over again.