Chapter 2
I wasn't sure if I was relieved, upset or angry. Maybe all of it, maybe none. I sort of felt the same disbelieving anger as the first time. It was different then though. I hadn't been sure what was to come. I had a pretty good idea this time.
If my eyes could literally bore holes into the ceiling, I'd have a nice skylight. Little over a year ago, if I was angry, I would run. I could run a few miles without stopping and I would. I did it a lot. I was getting to the point where I'd do it nearly every day. That or I'd end up punching a hole in a wall.
When you get bad news almost every minute, you sort of end up mellowing out at least a little. Things just made me that weird mix of emotions instead of a set one. I wasn't sure if I preferred it or not. It wasn't like I could run it off so I sort of had to find another vent.
For the time being, I was incapacitated; limited to only my bed. My head throbbed and stomach ached. I felt like any movement or food or anything for that matter, would make me spew. Hal had forced me into eating half my breakfast and I hated him for it.
Poor bloke, he was put on watch duty with me for at least most of the day. I wasn't much of a nuisance I don't figure. I kept myself in with my own thoughts for the most part.
After about two to three hours of me simply lying in bed in the dark, he moved from Bev's designated chair, stretching about. I didn't turn to see him undoubtedly embarrass himself with stiff toe-touches. I hadn't moved at all. I didn't want to move or think. I was thinking of all the things I wished I could do but they all required energy, time and movement and I couldn't have any of those things.
"Come on and eat something." Hal said.
I wasn't going to listen to him again. I'd given him one free pass that morning and that wouldn't ever happen again as it never did before that.
A light flashed as he turned on the telly. I struggled to lean off the bed and grab my shoe to chuck at him. I hit him square in the chest and he dropped the remote. "Honestly! What did I do now?"
"Turn it off."
He massaged his chest. "I have to have something to do-"
"Turn it off!"
He muttered things to himself, switching it off. The room went dark again until he switched on the bedside lamp. "Might I read a book then, Master Schoell?"
"Do it in the lounge. I don't need you here."
"Dr. Allen said to stay whether you said so or not."
I hated when Bev told someone that. She was one of the few people everyone listened to, including me. That bothered me because I never thought there'd be a submissive moment in my life. It wasn't because I was afraid of her. More so, respected.
If I'd had the energy, I'd have gotten Hal out of there somehow, but I didn't. I slumped further into the bed, turning to my side opposite of him. He talked to me some but I didn't listen or answer. Instead, I closed my eyes, hoping to fall asleep so I wouldn't be able to think.
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When I woke up, somewhere in the middle of the night, Hal was gone. The lights from the parking lot came in through the open curtains, reflecting off any unblocked portion of the floor. Ambulance sirens sounded muffled through the wall.
I sat up slowly, trying to will myself into feeling well. It didn't work in the slightest and I spewed into the trashcan beside my bed. It worsened my headache, but my stomach felt better.
Hal had stupidly moved my wheelchair across the room so it was out of his way. He'd honestly probably done it on purpose to make it inconvenient for me to leave. I staggered over to it, nearly tripping on clothes I had piled up.
I hadn't felt that weak in awhile and it sucked.
There was an elevator down the opposite hall from Tilisha. I had gotten pretty good at keeping my door from squeaking on the way in and out and managed to get out of my room quietly. The light from the hallway hurt at first after the darkness of my room.
I half-blindly strolled to the elevator, taking it all the way up. I'd pressed a random button, not particularly caring where I was going. It stopped mid-way, opening for someone else.
Miserable, sorry looking little Zoe stood fully garbed in gown and messy hair. Her lip ring and eyeliner was gone, improving her chances of ever looking friendly. Still, she didn't look friendly; I doubted if I did either.
We stared awkwardly a moment before she finally stepped in. I rolled over a bit to give her space. She was like a rabbit; fled to the corner to stay as far away from humans as possible.
I wasn't sure if I was in the mood to talk or not. In a sense, I wanted to distract myself but then I thought of how angry/upset/sick/annoyed at life and everything else I was. I thought it best to keep quiet, thinking of what Tilisha said about being nice. There was a very, very small chance any word from my mouth at the time would even teeter on the edge of niceness.
The elevator didn't stop again until it came to the top floor. Most of the rooms were vacant, as that was the last place they put people. Still, Nurse Matilda dozed at her desk, drool running down her plump cheeks.
I wheeled out, glancing back for Zoe. She stayed secluded in her rabbit corner being rabbit-like. So I continued on my way to the lounge area. The top floor had the best lounge; it was rarely used so everything was nice and didn't smell like hospital disinfectants and it overlooked past the parking lot.
I was the only one in there. It was quiet beside the creak of my wheels against the waxed floor. I rolled to the enormous window that made up most of the back wall. When you leaned your head against the glass, it almost seemed like flying. Other than the fact that I was trapped in a hospital, unable to breathe or walk or anything on my own.
My nostrils made growing and shrinking clouds with my breath and forehead, an oily print against the glass. Lit windows made imitations of stars against the darkness along with thousands of tiny headlights. Yet, it was all silent.
I heard a slight plop beside me where Zoe let her head fall against the glass. She suddenly changed from a skittish rabbit to the Grudge the way her black hair fell over her face in the dark.
Her index finger pressed up beside her head. "That's where I live."
I tried to follow where she pointed but it was impossible. "Oh, that one?" I asked vaguely, pointing in the other direction.
She didn't respond to that. "You know that feeling when everything changes so much it doesn't feel real and you're sort of lost?"
"I guess." I lied, I knew it well.
"Does it ever go away?"
Not for a long time. I shrugged a shoulder, not wanting to talk about it. I wasn't sure what I wanted to talk about. "You don't have to wear the gown."
She grabbed a fistful of the material, rubbing it roughly between her fingers. "I know." She turned away from the window, grey eyes dead set on mine. "Why are you here?"
"I just wanted out of my room, same as you."
"No. I mean here. In this... place."
I chortled and wheeled my way over to the sofa. With way too much effort involved, I slithered onto it, sprawling out. She followed and curled up on one of the sofa chairs, wrapping herself in her own arms.
I didn't look at her again until I caught my breath. She was sort of staring in a strange way, distant and intent all the same.
"Can you walk?"
I hoisted one leg onto the back of the couch and one arm over the side. "Can you breathe?"
"Can you?"
I coughed violently for a half-minute straight, accidentally proving the point I'm sure she was trying to make. She didn't make any move to help me or do anything about it.
"It makes you feel like death when you're surrounded by it." She muttered once I finished.
"Who says I'm dying?"
"Everyone here is aren't they?"
"Are you?"
"Are you?"
I gave up. Physically, I just wanted to go to bed. I wanted to sleep for a maddening amount of time and wake up with energy. I knew that wasn't going to happen though so there was hardly a point in trying. "Do you have any friends, Zoe?"
"Why?"
"Because you're a little too blunt for my liking."
She ran a finger on her ankle, tracing something. I propped my head up to see but I couldn't make out what it was. "Tattoo?"
She slapped a hand over it, blowing her hair from her eyes. It didn't work but she didn't try a second time.
"What is it?" I smiled, hoping it was horribly embarrassing; a misspelled word or a wonky picture.
She sat cross-legged, tucking her feet underneath her legs. I let my head fall back to the cushion. For a long time, we didn't speak. I didn't know how many hours went by but neither of us fell asleep. In the dim lighting, I could see the rings under her eyes but she stayed, staring at the same pictures on the wall for minutes at a time.
I never wanted to look at the pictures. They were frustrating. One was of kids running through a field. There was another of an old couple sitting on their front porch. Then the classic dog in glasses type thing. They all made me cringe so I draped an arm over my eyes.
I must have fallen asleep for a bit. When I moved my arm, the sun was barely starting on its way up. I swore under my breath and tried to hurry in the journey to my wheelchair. Bev was probably already down, making her rounds.
Zoe still stared into her future. There was only a short period of time sulking was acceptable. She was well past that.
I wheeled around the coffee table, hitting it on my way. That always got on my nerves worse than anything. The noise startled Zoe from her thoughts and she gazed up at me like a corpse.
"You know what?" I asked her. She didn't answer but I continued. "People have a hard time feeling sorry for people when they feel sorry for themselves. You've cried your river, now build a bridge and get over it."
If the sun hadn't have come up some, I wouldn't have seen the tears well up in her eyes.
"You're not dead yet, so don't act like it." I wheeled on past her to the elevator. Nurse Matilda was on her way out and scolded me when she saw I was up there. She went on to take the stairs so I didn't have to listen to any long speech.
Zoe zombie-walked her way into the elevator with me, sucking at where her lip ring previously resided. I barely heard her hoarse little voice. "Are you saying I should just ignore it all and pretend like everything's normal?"
"Honestly, I don't care what you do at all. It just took a lot longer for someone to tell me to get over it. I was doing you a favor." I was quite the kind person when I wanted to be. Rather noble, I would say.
"A favor? That's what you think it is?"
I ignored her. The doors slid open on her floor. I gestured for her to go. It took her a minute and she nearly missed the chance. I flicked my wrist in a half-hearted wave and she was gone with the closing doors.