Benji O'Day, 27
R&B Superstar
Neither Lucas nor myself is especially familiar with singer/songwriter Benji O'Day's work. I am more of an alternative rock guy whereas Lucas is a fan of K-Pop, EDM and a "vocaloid" called Hatsune Miku (don't ask). But even we know his platinum-selling song, "Girl, You Know That You're My Girl, Girl" as well as the "Weird Al" parody "Grill, You Know That You're My Grill, Grill."
(By that point in his career, "Weird Al" was seriously phoning it in.)
Benji was talking to us as part of a press tour for his upcoming concert his fellow refugees. In fact, we pretty much were the press tour. There is not a lot of post-Apocalyptic entertainment journalism going on, apparently.
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When the robots attacked, Benji O'Day was in the middle of a sold-out show at The Staples Center.
I thought you were Benji O'Day.
Benji O'Day likes to refer to himself in the third person.
Got it. So Benji O'Day was at the Staples Center...
That's right. Although you don't have to refer to Benji O'Day in the third person. That's just Benji O'Day's thing.
OK. So the concert...?
Aw, yeah! Let me tell ya, Benji O'Day was on his game! But then there were robots everywhere! Benji O'Day watched in disbelief as nearly everyone was annihilated! We're talking Benji O'Day's band, Benji O'Day's fans, Benji O'Day's licensed vendors who sold Benji O'Day T-shirts, Benji O'Day hand sanitizer, Benji O'Day stress balls.
But Benji O'Day himself was spared.
That was lucky.
Not lucky. [He pointed a finger heavenward.] The Lord Almighty put Benji O'Day on this Earth for a reason: to use his God-given voice to bring joy to the people of the world. And after a calamity like this, Benji O'Day's voice is more important than ever.
So God saved you so you could comfort the survivors of the Robot Apocalypse?
That is correct.
Why didn't He just prevent the Robot Apocalypse from occurring in the first place?
God has Benji O'Day on a need-to-know basis and Benji O'Day doesn't need to know.
That seems a little evasive.
Have you read the Bible, Mr. Rubicon?
Yes. Have you?
No. But Benji O'Day saw the miniseries on The History Channel, so Benji O'Day gets the gist.
Anyway, that's why Benji O'Day is doing this concert. To lift the spirits of his fans in their hour of need.
That's nice of you.
No, that's nice of God. Through Benji O'Day.
What made you decide to do this concert now?
Truthfully, it wasn't Benji O'Day's idea. The people wanted it, not Benji O'Day.
Really?
Yes. Benji O'Day was very much against it.
Why?
Because everything shouldn't be about Benji O'Day.
Since when?
Benji O'Day is humble. Benji O'Day understands that he is just a drop of water in an infinite ocean. Benji O'Day learned that while sailing on his yacht, the S.S. Benji O'Day.
I fought this concert idea as long as I could.
That makes no sense. You just got through saying that God spared you specifically to lift people's spirits through song.
And that is exactly what Benji O'Day will do.
Against your will.
As the good Lord intended!
Well, that's weird, but fine. So... what new songs did you write for this concert?
New songs?
Yeah. Something special for the occasion.
[suddenly, he seemed very nervous]
Well... people at concerts... they... um... well... you know... they really just want to hear Benji O'Day's hits. "Girl, You Know That You're My Girl, Girl." "Woman, You're My Girl." "Girl, You Ain't No Woman." "If I Could Be a Woman, Girl, You'd Be The Woman I'd Be."
Sure, but come on. The first original R&B song of the post-Apocalyptic era! People would go nuts!
Benji O'Day's not really feeling it. Benji O'Day thinks everyone will be perfectly happy with the old stuff.
I feel like there's something you're not telling me.
[Benji looked guiltily at the floor] No.
Benji? Do you not write your own songs?
Hahahahaha! That's the most ridiculous thing Benji O'Day has ever heard! It's laughable! Benji O'Day is laughing right now! Hahahahaha! See? Benji O'Day is laughing at your ridiculousness! Hahahahaha!
You don't, do you?
[looks around uneasily; lowers voice]
You have to promise Benji O'Day that you won't publish any of what he's about to tell you.
I promise.
[Note: I lied.]
Benji O'Day pays someone to write songs for him.
You had to pay someone to write: "Girl, you know you're my girl, girl / Girl, you know it's you, / Girl, you know you're my world, world / Girl you know it's true"?
You couldn't come up with that on your own? Seriously?
Listen, songwriting is a lot harder than you— Hey, why is that guy in the cage still taking notes?
Oh, he's not. He's... uh... working on a Pokemon/Sherlock fanfic crossover. Nothing to do with you.
Anyway, it's not such a big deal. People don't care about your songwriting. It's your God-given voice! That's what people want to hear, right?
Yeah. [he looked guiltily at the floor again] Benji O'Day's voice...
What's wrong?
Um...Benji O'Day... can't sing, either.
What?! But I've heard you sing. Are you telling me that wasn't you?
No. It was Benji O'Day. But... do you know what autotune is?
I'm not an idiot. Of course I do.
[I didn't, but Lucas filled me in. Autotune is computer software that fixes out-of-tune vocal performances. It takes off-key notes and puts them on key. It can turn crappy singers into terrific singers.]
Benji O'Day's voice is terrible!
It's probably not as bad as you think.
Oh, yeah? [he sings a few lines]
Holy shit! You weren't kidding! That sounded like someone vomiting while scraping their fingernails on a blackboard as two cats are fucking.
See?
So the bottom line is, you're a fraud.
Moses was a stutterer and He was summoned by God to speak for Him. Benji O'Day is vocally challenged and he was summoned by God to sing for Him. Moses used Aaron; Benji O'Day used Autotune.
That may very well be the best rationalization I've ever heard.
Thank you. Benji O'Day has had a long time to think about it.
But... wait... I don't get it. You can't write songs, you really can't sing... how did you get into music in the first place?
It's all about the look. Benji O'Day has charisma. Benji O'Day has presence. And this body. [He lifted his shirt] See Benji O'Day's abs? Bad pitch can be autotuned, but there is no such thing as auto-abs!
So that's why you didn't want to do the concert!
Yes! Benji O'Day tried so hard to get out of it! But the people were relentless! And who could blame them? They were looking to Benji O'Day to give them something positive in their lives. How could Benji O'Day say no?
But you'll sound horrible.
Not necessarily.
Benji O'Day managed to get a hold of an autotune device. It wasn't cheap. It cost Benji O'Day fifty.
Dollars?
Rolls. Of toilet paper.
And it'll make Benji O'Day sound like he always did. There's one problem, though.
I get it. It's advanced technology, which might attract the robots. So if you use autotune...
Benji O'Day could die.
(To be continued...)