My uncle will find any excuse to barbecue, Sierra knows first-hand. Heck, I know personally. Anything and everything he call throw on a grill will end up there, and he never can let it be a simple affair. Sometimes it's funny and other times I don't understand why we have to suffer. "Invite you friends, invite everybody!" Uncle Dennis tells me over speaker phone. "I don't have friends," I scoff, but Sierra won't let me weasel my way out so easily. "Stop playing, Justin would love to come," I start to protest while she talks over me. She has the upper hand, being physically closer to Dennis and Ja'Nice. "And hey, the guys can come over too, the ones you always hang out with." Now I never told her explicitly about Justin's friends, because they are just that: Justin's friends. I'm too stunned to speak right not.
"Perfect, bring them over! Everybody is welcome!"
"Please!" I hear Ja'Nice inject.
"This is really last minute," I try again, "they might already have plans."
Justin says he's coming, just as I expect, but when Travis, Lewis, Robert, Josh, Nicky, and Ant all drop they're plans just to come over, I know the lure of free food is just the thing. Maybe it was a picture I showed Sierra in passing... "Don't they wanna stay with they're families? And how are they all still in town? Not one of them is at a beach somewhere?" I'm glad Justin thinks this is hilarious because I don't know how I'm going to deal with all this male energy tomorrow, minus my brother. He's gonna be at Alisha's house, and I'll be the only girl minus Sierra. "What's wrong? Don't wanna spend some more time with the boys?" This time I have Justin on speaker phone, and I'm trying to reorganize my room where my rug has disappeared from sight again. "Well for starters they're your boys. Those are your friends Justin," I say, wishing that Cat and Mariana were in town. I wanted them to come over, if not to rescue me from Dennis force feeding me something that just came off the grill.
"They're your friends too," Justin says easily and I snort. I should really stop doing that. "Yeah, right," I say, stepping over my art supplies box in the middle of the floor. "I bet y'all talk about me when I'm not there. And I don't mean the good way either." I don't even know why I'm bringing that up but I instantly regret it. I sound pretty sassy but that's just one of the few things that's been tugging at my heart recently. When Justin doesn't say anything I know I've put my foot in my mouth. "Lyric..." New subject. "I'm glad Sierra made me invite y'all so all that food will be eaten." Justin keeps up with me, and I wonder what expression might be on his face now. "So that's what we are? The clean-up crew?" I look around my room that could qualify as a disaster zone. "Umm no, see if you wanna be the clean-up crew my room would be forever thankful." There's chuckling on the other line and then it settles into a silence as I start folding clothes and putting them away. "What are you thinking right now?" Justin says, and I'm thrown for a loop.
"Whatch thinking?" he asks again when I can't form a coherent thought. "Nothing you'd be interested in," I say, still sassy. Right now it's my best defense. Against what? I'll tell you when it comes up. "I'm interested in whatever you think," he says, and laughs. "That's so corny." My laugh stops when I don't hear him join in. "Lyric, you're my best friend," my heart squeezes when he says this, "I just...hmmm wanna know what I'm thinking right now?" I sit down on the edge of my bed, glad my door is closed. "What?" I ask. I think he takes a moment to get his thoughts together because I hear rustling in the background. "I'm thinking about how I'm so glad that I met you at the Apple store, and that you're my girl. And sometimes I look into your eyes and wonder what you're thinking. Sometimes I think you're scared, and I don't know what it is but I want to protect you from it. And I love you so much it makes me wonder if that's what you're scared off. But I'm not sure. And I think about that night at my house and how I almost lost you, and we were doomed to become one of those couples who doesn't make it passed a week."
I turn off speaker phone and lift the phone to my ear. "You're thinking about that right now?" I say incredulously. "All of that?" I hear him take in a breath then say, "And how I'm probably way passed the stage of whipped at this point." I don't say anything. "Well this is an accomplishment, you didn't try to change the subject or more on to something else," I can hear the laugh in his voice that I was looking for before. "I don't change the subject," I scoff; glad the heavy moment between us seems to have passed.
"Yes you do. Just when I think we're getting somewhere, you pull back. Shit, and I hate when you just zone out on me."
"Zone out? What they heck is that supposed to mean?" I start thinking about my panic episodes.
"Like.. Lyric you know what I mean. I just, why?"
"Is this air out your grievances about Lyric day or something?"
"I just feel like you shut me out sometimes!"
This is the first time we've ever really fought,and I feel the difference in the way my cheeks flame from anger and nothing else. "So you're accusing me of keeping secrets?" I try to bring my voice back down so my dad doesn't come knocking on my door. "What's there to shut out, you know everything there is to know about me. That's important." Not including my anxiety that creeps up on me like a sickness, my times of loneliness...the fact that love is still too strong a word for me to use and mean it. But yeah,everything else. "It's just...some of the stuff you say sometimes, I get worried. Some of the stuff you do...are you mad at me?" I can't hold back the frustration in my voice. "I'll be more than that if you ask me that question one more time," I huff. What is wrong with me? He just wants to know. "Stop looking for what's not there. I have to go," I say, and hang up.