Oh my god what the hell am I doing. I found a YouTuber who read this and I thought, why not re-find it, and write commentary over it? This will kill my brain cells. And it will kill yours too. I might actually make a serious over this if people like it and review some of the shittiest fanfics on FanFiction, Wattpad, Archive of our Own, or any other writing sites. If you like this, oh my god. If you dislike this, good. :D Because I do too. :D Doing this for the lawlz. No regrets. Maybe a little. I know I'm known for YouTuber fanfics, but this must be made! >]
Original writing will be in non-bold.
My commentary will be in brackets ( [ ] ) and bold text; the text that has actual grammar, spelling and punctuation is mine. xD.
Let us being this horrible idea of mine. Again, little regret. Enjoy >]
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[Chapter One]
AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) [Goffik; is that a childish term of Gothic?] 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. [Spelling. The spelling is horrific; this Ravin person did a horrible job, my dear.] U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX! [Justin Beiber? No wonder; and really? My Chemical Romance. It's a good band, but seriously? Rox? You rox my sox off.]
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Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way [Wait a second. What kind of name is that? If I had that name, I'd change it; or laugh about it.] and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). [Grammar, woman! Such a long run-on. The description is okay but it's not needed. And this Mary Sue is an Amy Lee wanna be.~] I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. [The fuck.] I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, [A witch and vampire hybrid. Kay.] and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. [Does Hot Topic even exist in the Harry Potter world? Time traveler!] For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. [This is not needed. But okay.] I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, [No shit, Sherlock. If the sun came out, you'd probably melt.] which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them. [You bitch.]
"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was.... Draco Malfoy! [Oh shit! Dun dun dun!]
"What's up Draco?" I asked.
"Nothing." he said shyly. [Draco is not shy. If he was Shy, He'd be named Draco Potter. Shy fuck.]
But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. [Later bitches. I gotta go away now for no reason what so ever.]
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[Chapter Two]
AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! [Flame it all! Flame on!]
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The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. [You sleep in a coffin and you drink human blood. Did that come from Draco's body? Since, 'ya know.] My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. [Whoever you got that from must have been a giant. Or you're just a twig.] Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. [Why do we need these details now? It's getting repetitive already.]
My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) [Oh great, more Mary Sue's.] woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) [Why! Stop!]
"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. [Like, oh my fucking god. Why were you two talking!]
"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. [I wonder if a blush would even show up on her face.]
"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall. [Oh yes. I like the fuck after seeing him once.]
"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. [Liar.]
"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me. [Nice timing, douche.]
"Hi." he said. [Hola.]
"Hi." I replied flirtily. [Gross; and what the fuck is a flirtily. Is that even a word.]
"Guess what." he said. [I'm a douche.]
"What?" I asked. [He's a douche.]
"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. [The fuck. Why would Good Charlotte come to a school for witches and wizards when they could use a god-mod spell and actually make it happen. Gasp! I bet that's what happened! Illuminati!]
"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. [No one cares.~]
"Well.... do you want to go with me?" he asked. [Horrible plots mean horrible timing for relationships to start.]
I gasped. [Shit.]
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[Chapter Three]
AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. [I have nothing to say about this horrible way of grammar. You ruin many brain cells. And so am I by doing this. You're fucking welcome.]
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On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. [Here we go again. A crap ton of clothing descriptions.] I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. [Well okay then. I guess Goths do that now-a-days.] I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. [You are now a clown.] Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. [Ugh.]
I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. [Cars that drive on the ground is too main-stream.] He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner [Did you turn Draco into an Emo? I think you did.] (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). [The flying fuck does this A/N say. All I see is bullshit.]
"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. [Hi, Draco. I'm so fucking depressed. You wanna see my bloody wrists.]
"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. [Mercedes-Benz's don't fly. And how the hell did he get hold of one of them? And it seems that Draco is the Devil in Disguise.] On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. [Never seen Draco as a druggie. What have you done to him!] When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. [Was it still flying in the air when you hopped out? Did you break all your bones in the process?] We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.
"You come in cold, you're covered in blood
They're all so happy you've arrived
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom
She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). [No shit.]
"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.
Suddenly Draco looked sad. [Welp. Draco has several mood changes in a matter of seconds.]
"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.
"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said. [-Shakes head.-]
"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. [Draco has feelings, everyone. Draco Malfoy has feelings!]
"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. [Rude.]
The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into........................... the Forbidden Forest! [You gonna get raped, yo.]
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[Chapter Four]
AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok! [What the fuck is this. Also, what the hell is an Enoby? Ebola? Draco has feelings for a horribly created Mary Sue! Aaah! Run!]
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"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" [He's gonna kidnap you.]
Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously. [Again, was it floating and did you break all your bones?]
"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. [Angry about nothing. I see how it is.]
"Ebony?" he asked. [No. It's Enoby.]
"What?" I snapped. [The fuck you want, bitch.]
Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. [You should feel scared, actually. But okay.]
And then............... [Wait for it...] suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. [You're Draco now?] Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. [Keenly? The fuck is that?] He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. [He put his thingy into your you-know-what. He put his dick in your pussy. There we go. Much better.]
"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. [Ten seconds later, she has to cum. The fuck.] We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then.... [And then...?]
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" [Oh. Okay.]
It was.............................................................Dumbledore! [I am highly concerned yet very disturbed. I wonder if Dumbledore was stalking them and was like, "Oh yes. This is great." Hah. Gross.]
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[Chapter Five]
AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! [Dumbledore having a headache and cursing up a storm is funny. The fuck have you created. -Crosses arms over chest.- I'm not gonna update either unless I get five good reviews, either! -Shakes head.- Oh my god...]
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Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily. [Dumbledore made what? Pie? Did he make pie with his headache he supposedly had then began shouting again since it was so bad? I bet.]
"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. [It's spelt ludicrous. I think he had a stroke while he said this.]
I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. [Crying blood. You should go see a doctor for that. The fuck is a pallid? Could have just said pale. Or dead. Since you're pale as death apparently.] Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry. [Better run, bitch.]
"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice. [Oh god! Sexual intercourse! He put his thingy in her you-know-what and went bam bam! Hah.]
"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall. [Because they can, I suppose.]
"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape. [Such calmness. Such weirdness. Much not Snape.]
And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" [Draco is now a girl. And he loves her after he had five seconds of a fuck fest. Welp. Illuminati.]
Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." [They should get punished by having to show you have the fucked and how long it lasted. A single blink of an eye and you'll miss the spectacular, wonderful fun.]
Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us. ["Fucking kids."]
"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently. [It's Enoby! Fuck. Get my name right.]
"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out.... [Here we go again. -Shoots self.-]
Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. [What the flying fuck?] I was so flattered, [Wait! I'd be scared if Draco sang to me. Good Charlotte is a good band too but Draco singing is so outta character. If he sang, better check his pulse.] even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. [Gross.] After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room. [Finally.]
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Lmao xD If you like the way that I'm doing this and you want to see more, let me know eue. I'm having way too much fun with this eue. I might actually make it a series. >]
Again, if you like it, leave me some of dem lovely reviews and I shall continue.~
Also, if anything I said offended any of you, I apologize; I have a dark and weird sense or humor. This is mostly heavy sarcasm so don't take it personally!