James and I try new ways to leave town without exhausting me so much, but the results are basically the same. I need to be next to my ashes if I distance myself too much from college, and if when being away I dare to step more then five metres from my ashes, then I'm left completely drained out.
Another thing we've tried is James putting a bit of my ashes in a smaller container and carrying them with him. It's easier than with the whole urn, but still, it doesn't allow me to stay more than a week away from Street. I think that if we leave Street then we'll have to come back quite often, which means we can't go too far if we have to travel every weekend.
But aside from figuring out what to do, we've been together. There's no purpose, nothing we're after aside from finding the best way to be with the other. Yet, it's been the best time of my life. It's mundane and ever so simple, just the two of us. Cold hand in warm hand. Blue eyes staring into brown ones. James and Paige, Paige and James... even if no one else an see us. Even if what we have exists only for the two of us, and Clyde.
I can't have a life on my own, but I'm still enjoying so much my time with James. Living through him doesn't seem like such a bad thing when it is working so well. I get to work on pieces and help him lessen the burden from all the college work. I know I can't grow old and I'll never have the things every human being is granted in one way or another, but I'll experience them through James and that feels okay. I'll be there somehow when he gets his diploma, when he goes to uni and then gets a job. I'll be there when he gets sick and when he feels the strongest. I'll be there when he has a rough day and when everything is working for him. I'll be there.
Our future is clearly complicated, but it's something we're working on.
"What if..." James ponders one night when we've finished watching a family comedy. "If we ever want to have a family, we look for a kid that's like me?"
My brow furrows in confusion, not sure what he exactly means. "Can you rephrase that?"
James blushes and seems to struggle with the words, as if it were too embarrassing for him. "I mean in the future. It seems that it weights on you that I'm giving up on having a family of my own, but I was thinking maybe it isn't a complete lost cause. We can adopt a kid, and look everywhere until we find one that can see ghosts like I do. Someone that can see you, too. I can't be the only person in the world with the ability to see ghosts." Words are stuck in my throat, prisoner of the surprise his idea has brought upon me. "It's just an option, I'm not saying we should try that, but if we ever want that, then, well, we could try it."
"Oh," I mumble as I try to process exactly what he's said and what that means.
A future, even a family. We've been planning our lives together for a while already, seeing how to work around that, but every once in a while he comes up with a new thing to give more normalcy to our uncanny situation. James and Clyde are all I have right now, but that could be different in the future. We could find someone like him, a kid that we could give a good life to. I didn't think I wanted such a thing, I honestly gave up on the idea the moment I realised I had succeeded and ended my life; since I knew I had become a ghost and was stuck in the same day for eternity.
Perhaps it won't be possible, maybe I will never be ready or able to be a mother to anyone because I'll be seventeen forever, but there's also a possibility that I might be able to do that, and it's so soothing knowing there's a chance. It's reassuring knowing there isn't just one way.
"It's an option we should keep in mind for the future," I add next, a slow and almost lazy smile coming to my lips. "It's good knowing not all is lost in that sense." I chew on my lower lip, trying to contain my excitement because there's another way.
"Really?" James sounds so relieved, and only then I realise he was nervous about bringing this subject up. It must be nerve wracking, especially when he's still so young.
I nod, smiling fondly at him just to let him know it is really okay and that his idea makes me happy, the possibility makes me feel so hopeful.
"Working on a future with you is such a beautiful thing. The closer we get to that, the happier I become," I confess, leaning a bit closer to him. "The fewer things I take from you, the better."
James doesn't reply, he just wraps his arm around my shoulders, bringing me closer, kissing the top of my head. At that same time Clyde climbs on to James' lap, curling there and starting to purr. My smile grows wider at the sight, knowing that even if we never adopt a kid or that even if we don't even leave Street, we've made our family here and we are having a life together. Unconventional. Impractical. Difficult. Unseen. But it's a life together, nonetheless.
⋙⋘
Summer holidays come and like that, James' first year of college is done. He still has to do a lot of college work to prepare his portfolio for his uni application, but we'll get on that little by little, and I'll help him on every task.
The weather is great, maybe too hot for everyone, but he has a ghost girlfriend who's cold as corpse and keeps him cool even when everyone else is agonising. I'm better than any AC, and it is great we can have much more skinship without risking a case of hypothermia.
We go out a lot, and we take Clyde with us to have picnics or just to spend a few days outside. I work every day on improving my cooking skills just to do something for him, just so I can take care of him, too. I think that once he finishes college, or even uni, I shouldn't follow him everywhere. And I can stay at home, helping somehow, finding something I can do. I never expected or wanted to become a housewife, to be honest I never even had time to have those thoughts before, but now it sounds nice. Maybe it's because it is something I can do, whilst everything else seems impossible.
It seems funny how now I think of a future. It is ironic how I had to become a ghost to be able to dream, because when I was alive these thoughts never made it into my mind. I was in constant agony and fear, so much pain I couldn't see beyond the blackness that threatened to consume me every day. But that is gone now, along with my life, yet only now I work for a future.
Only after I lost it all I found myself, I found my happiness and a reason to fight. It's heartbreaking I couldn't find it when I was alive. Just one reason to keep fighting, one more thing to hold on to and fight against my torturers would have made a difference.
I thought it was too late for me, I had resigned and fallen into a constant pattern where I didn't even think, I just kept doing the same day after day. But it wasn't all lost, when James came into my life he brought so many thing with him. He ignited the life that had left me and made me dream again. He made want to do things and try hard to accomplish them, even if they seemed impossible.
It wasn't that late, then.
And because I have him now and all these possibilities, all these dreams and plans, the darkness within me starts fading away. No. That's not exactly what happens. Darkness doesn't exist, that is just the term for the absence of light, and what happened to me is that the bullies had taken all the light in me, leaving me only with darkness. I couldn't ignite a spark on my own, but James did that, and slowly that flame grew up, consuming the darkness and lighting up every corner of my soul.
There isn't absence of light in me anymore.
Until him it was only despair, a thirst for revenge and so much sorrow for the unfairness of what had been my life. But now there's more. There's hope, there's love, there's dreams. And if someone asks me what road I'd like to take, I'd chose the latter, the one that leads me to light and warmth. The one that leads me to James.
So I let go of it, without even noticing it. Of the grudge that consumed me and kept me going, even if I didn't even know whom I was holding that grudge against. I let go of that darkness and cold that was all I was made of before. I don't realise how this happens, it's so gradual and natural. I guess it happens because I wasn't paying attention, and most things in life go away when we turn our backs on them. Good and bad things. The moment you walk away, what's at the other side will unstoppable get away from you. The first step is turning around, the second is taking the hardest first step, and the third is keep going until you can't see what you walked away from.
It happens that if you have someone to hold your hand and help you take all those steps, then it's more bearable. James helped me, but I let go of it. I walked away from what was holding me back and decided to focus on something different. I did it... and succeeded at it.
I realise that one hot Monday afternoon when we've come to the countryside, renting a cottage to enjoy the weather on our own. I'm outside, by the pool, facing the sun with a smile on my face feeling warm without having James around because he's gone into town to buy groceries. I guess it's the fact I feel warm what makes me notice the change in me, and when I think about it I notice as well that I can be in James' arms for longer without freezing him, or that he doesn't seem to struggle when we touch. I also notice that whenever we touch I don't have to work hard to push the darkness back, because there's so much light already.
Now that I have a life, a future to fight for and dreams to feel excited about, I can leave behind the past that tormented me. I am happy today, like I wasn't before.
"It's in the past," I thing out loud, closing my eyes and keeping the smile. "What they did to me, it's in the past. It's behind me."
Life itself will teach them a lesson, it's not in my hands. And even if that doesn't happen, that's okay, too. I don't care anymore. I have so much more, important things to focus on. What happened in the past belongs to a life that isn't mine anymore. I don't think I can forgive them for what they did to me, but I can let go of the pain and resentment. Maybe that's forgiving. And I might even forget about it in the future, who knows? It doesn't hurt me anymore. They can't hurt me anymore.
There's a shift around me, something changes. The energy, the mood, I can't pinpoint it, but there's a change that makes me tense up and freeze. It's not cold, but it's not warm either. It's just... like static. Like white noise.
I open my eyes and at the other side of the pool there's a man staring back at me. I think it's a man, it has human shape but it's also blurry. But the more I think of the creature as a man, the more the creature looks like a man. His features change, blur together and make it harder for me to distinguish anything. But I don't feel scared when I see him, maybe even if I should.
"You are ready," he says, and I think he's smiling at me. "You can come with me now. You have learnt your lesson."
I blink five times before I realise what he is talking about and what he is.
I saw him before, or something like him, when my mum died. Something like him came for her and took her away... and now he's here, for me.
This is the moment I panic, when I get scared to the point of standing up and taking a few steps back, away from him. There's a pool between us, but I want a ocean. He's a threat to everything that makes me happy now, to all my hopes and dreams. He comes to take me away from James and our plans, to take me somewhere I don't know. To uncertainty.
I'm scared.
"Let's go, Paige," he invites me, his voice warm and welcoming, but it sends shivers down my spine.
"Where?" I breathe out, barely a squeak, like a little mouse.
"Where you belong. Come with me," he insists, extending his hand but I take another step back.
No. James isn't even here. I can't just go when I have decided to stay, when I have so much to look ahead. I won't go.
"No," I whisper. "No," I repeat louder this time, closing my eyes and covering my ears with my hands. I crouch down as if like that I could be saved from this creature. "No. I won't go. No!" I shout, shaking my head, refusing to give up on what I've been building up with James. "NO!" I scream at the top of my lungs, pushing everything and everyone away.
"Paige!" Someone else cries out, louder than me, and it's a voice I recognise. I open my eyes and turn around, finding James there, his worried eyes on me. He's the only one with me, the creature is gone. "What happened?"
"James," I breathe out, standing up and running to him. I've chosen him, I did it long ago. I won't be leaving him.
"Paige, are you okay?" he asks, receiving me in his arms, hugging me tight.
"Now I am," I reply in a deep sigh, smiling and pushing back any other thought.
This is rights. This is okay. I'll be fine... won't I?
⋙·⋘
Uh oh? Did Paige make a mistake? If so, what could be the consequences? Chan chaaaaan!!
Anyhow, I think Unseen will have 40 chapters, and then the epilogue. Remember that there will be a short sequel called "Absence" and the prequel, "Crushed." So wait for that!
Dedication to xxMei78xx for the idea of the bracelet or necklace with a bit of the ashes (:
Bel, xx
~updates every Monday~