Jonathan's pov:
If I've ever put you through hell. Only called when I needed help,
If I've only thought of myself. Couldn't find the words to say what I felt,
If I've ever lied to your face. Shut you out to keep you away,
You'd always give and I'd always take. Yes, it took some time for me to say.
I wrote this over and over again on a piece of paper. Rewriting to make it perfect. Rewriting it to never forget. Never forgetting how I treated her. How god awful I treated her.
It wasn't always her fault, it was mine as well.
As I looked over to the counter, I saw the papers I needed to sign.
The divorce papers.
I stood up and took my pen and signed where I needed to sign them.
I slipped them in the envelope and grabbed my coat and keys and was out. Walking out into the parking garage,seeing the rain pour down made me think of Stephanie. She loved rainy days. I only knew that.
Now I won't be.
Driving off and checking where I was going. I saw a blonde girl on the ground picking up papers outside the entrance to the parking garage. I got out and suspected it to be Lindsey but it wasn't.
"You alright,miss?" I asked bending down and help retrieve her papers.
"Yes. I'm fine" she said looking up.
"I don't know how I'm gonna explain this to the kids" she said. I took a look at the Pastel and watercolor paintings.
They were beautiful.
"Thanks" she said as she hurried into the building.
I ran into my car and started the car up once again.
I tapped the steering wheel.
I wish I could take it all back. But she's the one who cheated right? I stayed faithful.
Remembering all the times, I got hurt and she was there. When she got hurt I was never.
I'm sorry I only thought of myself. Sorry I never thought of you.
I was always bad at romance, never knew how to express it. Never knew how to show it.
I've lied so many times. How I got a thumb splint. A black eye.
I never asked how you were doing. Always thought about myself.
You gave me love, but when I gave it. It gave her reason to cheat.
I finally realized it.
I was an awful husband.
But she was an awful wife, right?
The thing was that we had so many beautiful moments. Our honeymoon. Our weekend trips to Winnipeg. Our Paris trip.
Thank you Stephanie, for helping me realize how awful I was.
~~~~~~
I sat alone at a little coffee shop. Writing it over and over again.
If I've ever put you through hell
Only called when I needed help
If I've only thought of myself
Couldn't find the words to say what I felt
If I've ever lied to your face
Shut you out to keep you away
You'd always give and I'd always take
Yes, it took some time for me to say
Always, meaning it. Always hating myself after it.
The barista poured more coffee and I thanked her.
Sipping it and clicking my pen closed.
My phone dinged
"Stephy boo🙈❤️"'
Stephanie....
"The house is cleared out. I left a few things for you there. Mind picking them up? As well as something that you should read"
I stood up and left a rip, while grabbing my notepad and pen. I got out and ran to my car.
As I was driving in the expressway, I heard our song. The song from two years ago...
"When I look at you" by Miley Cyrus.
The time when you danced with me,with no music playing..
(Quotes were from an argument In first book🙈🙈)
I tried not to cry out. I really did, but miserably failed.
Pulling into the house we shared for a year and just sat there for a few moments. Taking it all in.
I unlocked the door, and walked in. The house still smelling like the candles we used to burn. I walked into the kitchen, where we shared our first Christmas together with Shawn and my family.
Walked into the kitchen and thought about our first conversation here.
How awful it was....
"I need you here! You can't leave in the middle of the night, go to practice and come back. Shower. Eat and leave and sleep at Patrick's! What else do you really do? Huh?! Shawn needs to see his father. I need to see my husband!" She screamed.
"I'm sorry I can't be here 24/7! You do realize I put the food on the table, pay the bills and every other luxury you have!" I remember screaming back.
"And why do you think I would cheat on you? When you have obviously given me reasons!"
She slapped me.
"Next time you accuse me and tell me my job doesn't matter and how I'm the only one who has done things,I'm done" and with that she went to go calm Shawn crying upstairs.
The scene played over again in my mind.
Thank you Stephanie for helping me realize, I accuse people for no reason.
I walked into the living room. Thought of our first romantic night.
"This is so sweet of you" she said straddling me. I smiled at her. She had sparkles in her eyes.
The ones I fell in love with. "What are you gonna do about it?" I asked. Grinning. She showed me by kissing me, and taking my breath away. I took hers later.
Thank you Stephanie, for showing me I could be sweet when I wanted to be.
Walking upstairs to shawns old room. I looked in.
Sean pointed to someone. "Is mama out there " I asked. Sean laughed, meaning a yes. "Where could she be" I asked walking then stops. I walk a little more and Sean points. "There's mama" jon hands Sean over. "Good morning baby" She said at smiled both of them. Then she went to kiss me.
Thankyou Stephanie, for showing me how to love my son
I walked into our room and remember our last conversation in here.
I waited in our room, holding a bouquet of roses.
Her favorite.
"Forgot to grab these on the way out" I say walking towards her.
"I can..I cant accept these" She says. Tears brimmed my eyes, as I got confused.
"Why?" I asked.
"I did something I'm not proud of" she says.
"What'd you do. It can't be that bad. You were gone for one day" I say amused.
"I wasn't faithful.." She said not looking at me. I drop the roses.
What?" He asked.
"With who?" I asked heartbroken.
"Charles..." She said quietly.
I kicked the roses.
"After everything between us, you would go back down that road?!" I screamed .
"Jon, sean" She said.
"No I don't care! Your my wife and you went off and cheated!" I yelled.
Tears cascade down my cheeks.
I sat down on the bed.
"The question is why " I say after awhile.
She sat down next to me, we face eachother.
"He.. I really don't know. The interviewer asked us about our ship name and a possibility of us being together again. I said no. That I have a husband and son that I love very much. He found out and he used me. Took advantage of me. And I feel truly awful about it"she said crying.
"Why does it always seem like you will do it with him and not me?" I asked.
"Jon. You two give me different feelings. Different emotions" she said.
"What feelings, emotions?" I asked puzzled.
"He makes me feel young, exciting, no care in the world. Single. There isn't a you or Sean and he makes me feel different..." She says.
"How do make you feel?" I asked. I was scared.
"It gives me the feeling that all you want is to continue the family success. Only wanting a damn child"she said breaking my heart.
"Thats what you really think?" I asked. . She nodded.
There's silence.
"What if all of this is a mistake? This marriage? Sean? Us?" She asked. I looked at her.
"Why would you think that? " I asked.
"I'm 22. Your 25. I'm too young. My career is back peddling not climbing. That's why I think of it. But when I look at sean, it doesn't. But when I look at you, all I see is pain and despair. No hope. No happiness. " She says.
"Age doesn't matter. Stupid People have babies at 16, your not to young. And your not stupid" I said.
"I was once that stupid 16 year old. I Was once pregnant at 16. I was that stupid girl who got drunk and her boyfriend took advantage of her. I was the one who went back. That is why my dad tortured me the way he did. He was right. All along. He knew that if I gave my heart and soul to the church, I wouldn't get married or have children. But then I go and meet you and all of that changes" she said.
I was speechless.
"I'm done being the burden. I'm done screwing everything up. Being an awful wife and mother. I'm done living this life. I'm ready to go off somewhere and live there. With whoever or whomever I want. I want to erase the past and start a new future. Without you, my mother Sean. Without Charles. It's time I finally had a taste of freedom , because he certainly did not think twice about it" she says.
Thankyou Stephanie, for telling me to never get flowers again
I saw her star necklace, ring and a journal.
I lifted the necklace and brought it close to my chest.
I picked up the ring.
I remember the conversation I had with Charles about it.
"I had someone put a little note inside so she knows when I'm not there. She won't feel alone" I said smiling at it.
"What does it say?" He asked curiously.
"It says. No matter how hard and punishing a day has been, I know I'm going home to the most beautiful person there has ever been. I love you." He looked happy.
"That's beautiful" he said patting me in the back.
Thankyou Stephanie, for showing me happiness doesn't come from a piece of paper.
To this day she doesn't know the note is in there.
Maybe it doesn't matter anymore. But I wish she did.
Part 2/epilogue coming soon!
//
🙈🙈