Camila's POV
My first reaction when I saw my girlfriend surprisingly showing up at my door was natural: the big smile on my lips was morphing into a grin when the other brunette revealed her motive for coming over. Apparently she had changed her mind about another movie night. And while I was beyond excited that Lauren was here, my smile faded when I realized that her timing wasn't the best.
"Pancakes!"
Lara's high-pitched voice interrupted my train of thought. My daughter ran up to the young architect and hugged her legs. As my eyes lifted to meet the green ones, I noticed the uncertainty in them because I hadn't said anything yet.
"Sounds great, come in," I finally answered and let Lauren enter while Lara took the snacks from her. Just as I wanted to explain my delayed response, I heard Lara squealing again.
"Daddy, look! Pancakes brought us candy."
I instantly locked eyes with Lauren and the shock was blatantly obvious on her face. She saw Austin who had come over earlier to drop Lara off. The fact that he had stayed made Lauren stop in her tracks. I saw her throat gulping heavily while her body tensed in an uncomfortable manner. A part of me wanted to explain right away but it seemed strange to simply stand in the hallway with Austin and Lara watching us.
First, I closed the door after Lauren and guided her into the living room with everyone else. Austin and Lauren exchanged a formal "Hello' and the tension was so thick that I couldn't hold back any longer.
"Austin came by to drop off Lara," I decided to explain what was going on after all. "We talked about the plans for this upcoming weekend because I'm going out of town. He'll be on a business trip as well so we were discussing options and it got kind of late so he stayed for dinner."
Clearing my throat, I saw Lauren only nodding and putting on a polite smile. Neither of them said anything which made it even worse. Of course, it was Lara who broke the silence again.
"Now we can all watch the movie together," she beamed while the three grown-ups shifted uncomfortably.
"Maybe...I shouldn't stay," Lauren said quietly. "I didn't want to interrupt the family time."
"Family time?" I repeated in my head. The manner in which she had said it worried me. She didn't sound jealous but almost...defeated. The last thing I wanted was for her to feel unwelcome in my home. If I had it my way, the green-eyed beauty and Lara would be my family. But it was her who wanted to take things slow and not bring Lara into this too soon. While I agreed, it confused me why she was so visibly upset now. Did she want to be more involved after all?
"No, please stay. It will be so much fun, Pancakes. I missed you," Lara pouted and I knew Lauren could never deny her any wish.
"Yeah, don't leave," I affirmed with a smile. "Now that you're here, might as well stay."
The struggle showed on Lauren's face but like I had suspected, she agreed to movie night after Lara grabbed her hand to lead her to the couch.
I never thought I'd see the day but all of us ended up watching the newest Disney movie. However, the only one who seemed to truly enjoy it was my daughter. She was sitting in between Austin and Lauren and kept looking at them whenever something funny happened on screen. Obviously they laughed with her so the little one wouldn't notice the tension. The picture of my current girlfriend and my ex-husband sitting next to my daughter was definitely...interesting. For the first time it dawned on me that this wasn't going to be as easy as I had thought. I wanted all of them to be happy in the way our relationships worked. And that was going to be one hell of a balancing act.
The movie seemed to go on forever. Thankfully it ended at some point and Lara had to go to bed. Seeing her hug and kiss Austin as well as Lauren goodnight, only reinforced the idea that she seemed to be the only one who didn't see it as a problem at all.
While I didn't like the idea of leaving Austin and Lauren alone in their awkwardness, I had to get Lara ready for bed and tucked her in like every night. I kissed my daughter's forehead softly and wished her a goodnight before wanting to return to the living room.
"Mommy?" Lara asked just when I wanted to walk away.
"Yes sweetie?"
"Was Lauren sad tonight?"
My heart dropped when I heard those words in her vulnerable voice and sat back down on the edge of the bed.
"What makes you say that?" I questioned and stroked her arm tenderly.
"She looked sad and didn't talk," Lara shrugged her little shoulders. "I want her to have fun with me."
"She always has fun with you, trust me," I immediately stepped in because this had nothing to do with my daughter. Lauren's mood affecting her this much surprised even me. The young voice sighed. "Look at me, honey. Lauren loves you very much. I know that for a fact. Even if she was a little sad tonight, it had nothing to do with you, I promise. Ok?"
"Ok," the girl with hazel eyes nodded and smiled. "I love you, mommy."
"I love you more," I whispered and left another kiss on her cheek before leaving her room.
I didn't have a lot of time to let that conversation sink in because I wanted to return to Austin and Lauren. But when I entered the living room, Austin was nowhere to be found.
"Where is Austin?" I asked dumbfounded.
"He left as soon as you brought Lara to bed," Lauren explained and I sighed in a mixture of frustration and relief. Although he was being a douchebag, this way I had some time with my girlfriend who seemed extremely overwhelmed with everything that had happened tonight.
"I'm sorry about the chaos," I approached her slowly. "I had no idea you were going to come over. If I had known then I wouldn't have invited him to stay."
"Why? Obviously he should spend time with Lara more than I should," Lauren replied and my brow furrowed. Now I had no idea what to say. I understood what she meant but it hurt to think that she didn't want to be more involved. Her words and behavior confused me beyond belief tonight.
"I know this wasn't exactly ideal but I'm still glad you decided to come over," I said truthfully and got closer. She simply nodded and I couldn't figure out what was going on inside that beautiful mind of hers right now. So I decided to take a different approach since speaking wasn't our strong suite tonight.
Gently pressing my lips against hers, she definitely reciprocated and that was a relief at least. I wanted to show her that I appreciated her surprise visit even though the outcome had been unexpected. Looking for her gaze afterwards, the emerald orbs met mine for a brief moment. Again I was clueless on what the expression in them meant. Clearly she was being distant and not as affectionate.
"Do you want to stay for a little bit?" I breathed also filled with a little insecurity now.
"No, I should go home. I have to work tomorrow," Lauren avoided looking at me for some reason.
"Why are you not looking at me?" it slipped out slightly angrier than I had intended.
"I don't want to argue right now," she mumbled and turned away.
"Me neither," I agreed and followed her so she wouldn't just walk away. "But I feel like your upset with me or something and I don't know why. I'm sorry about Austin being here but-"
"I'm not angry at you. Just drop it," her voice carried desperation.
"I'm not going to drop it if I feel like something is wrong," I responded.
"Nothing is wrong. I'm just tired," her words sounded more like an excuse to me but at least she faced me again.
A part of me wanted to get to the bottom of it but another part of me knew that she wasn't going to open up tonight. For whatever reason, she wasn't going to let me in on what was bothering her for now. And as much as it hurt me, I didn't want this to be a huge argument when it didn't have to be. Maybe she needed some time and I had to accept it.
"Ok then...get some rest," I said quietly, trying one last time to read her gaze.
"I'll call you tomorrow," the architect returned.
To my surprise, her hands cupped my face gently before giving me a kiss. It was soft and sweet but eased my worries a little. Placing my fingers on her wrist, I signaled that I craved more affection and didn't want her to let go. She responded by letting the kiss last longer but eventually pulling away.
"Goodnight," she whispered.
"Goodnight," I barely got out before the taller brunette turned around and made her way out of my apartment.
All that I was left with was that horrible feeling that Lauren was keeping her true feelings from me – whatever those entailed.
-
Since that uncomfortable evening, Lauren and I hadn't seen each other in a few days. We were texting and talking on the phone but she was very busy with work which made it difficult to touch on what had happened. Plus, I wasn't sure I even wanted to speak about it more thoroughly seeing how defensive my girlfriend had been.
It bothered me. That was the truth. I couldn't stand the idea that something was wrong and I didn't know how to solve it. Therefore I kept wondering without coming to a conclusion.
Deep in thought, I hadn't realized what was going on around me in the small café that I was sitting in. Lara had gone to her friend's house after school and I was killing time until I would pick her up. Lifting my gaze, I noticed a young woman sitting opposite of me. She looked...familiar. It took several seconds before I realized who it was.
Back in Boston, Lauren had taken me to a diner where the light-haired woman had been working as a waitress. I couldn't remember her name but definitely recalled her giving us a bottle of champagne on Valentine's Day. Subconsciously smiling at the memory, the other woman looked up apparently noticing me looking at her. Her eyebrows lifted questioningly and I felt busted.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to stare at you," I said with a nervous laugh. "Um...you probably don't remember but I think we met in Boston. I mean, we didn't exactly meet deliberately," I kept rambling while her eyebrow lifted even further in confusion. "I was at this diner and I think you were working there. Or maybe you just look like someone, I'm sorry."
"I did work at a diner in Boston but I'm afraid I don't remember meeting you," the woman answered politely.
"Of course," I quickly agreed. "You probably saw thousands of people. I didn't mean to sound pretentious like you had to remember me or something."
"You weren't, no worries," the shorter one smiled. "After a while it all becomes a blur to be honest. I barely remember the regular customers nowadays."
"The girl who took me there was a regular customer, I believe," I added. "She came in every Sunday. Or at least that's what she told me."
"Oh yeah! Dark hair, green eyes," she closed the magazine in her hand and didn't seem disturbed by our conversation.
"Lauren" I nodded.
"Exactly. I do remember her. She was witty and always left a generous tip."
"You gave us a bottle of champagne," I revealed to see her big smile.
"That's right. Now I remember. You two came in on Valentine's Day," her voice carried nostalgia. "I'm Ally by the way. What was your name again?"
"Camila. It's small world after all," I noted.
"It really is. I'm only here for business but that's quite the coincidence. Do you still live in Boston as well?" she asked before taking a sip from her coffee.
"No, I actually live here now. And I assume you're not a waitress anymore if you're here on business?"
"Yeah," she laughed mildly. "I write a relationship column for a magazine. Waiting tables was what I had to do until I finally got my first paying job as a writer."
"That's amazing," I was surprised on how easily we held up the conversation.
"What do you do if you don't mind me asking?"
"I'm a soccer player," I said.
"Wasn't the other girl, Lauren, also a soccer player or am I mixing things up?" Ally grinned.
"No, she was back then," I explained. "But she quit and works as an architect in the city as well."
"Wow, impressive," the columnist acknowledged. "Now that's what I call a power couple. I mean, I assume you two are still dating if you both moved to New York."
"Well," I laughed mildly. "We didn't exactly move here together. Although we're dating again, there was a long break in between."
"Got it," she said with a smile. "One moved away and the other followed? I'm sorry, I'm totally prying and you can tell me to stop but I live for this stuff...obviously."
"No, that's fine," I replied casually. "It's a long story," I added but Ally looked even more intrigued now which made me laugh. "Do you really want to spend your time in New York City listening to my relationship drama?"
"Absolutely," Ally responded not missing a beat.
Laughing at her reaction, I also took a sip from my coffee and glanced at my watch. There was still time until I had to pick up Lara from Alma's house. And if I was being honest, I enjoyed talking to Ally. I didn't have a lot of friends in New York. Dinah was still in Paris and even though I could always call her, it was nice to have someone listen to me who didn't know me or Lauren that well.
That was why I gave the relationship columnist a rough cut of why Lauren and I had separated for a while and how we ended up back together. I was almost at a point where I wanted to ask for advice on what I should do with our current situation. Or was I going too far with that one?
Ally seemed impressed on how tumultuous our relationship had been. She said she applauded our willingness to try again because most people were afraid to rebuild something once they were hurt by someone.
"I have to admit that it's not always the easiest thing," I confessed after all.
"What do you mean?" the older one asked carefully.
"Lately I feel like she won't open up to me although I can feel there is something bothering her," I explained further. "I'm a little scared she doesn't trust me enough to let me in."
"You might not want to hear this but it's possible that's true," Ally said and made my heart sink a little. "But that's very common. I'm absolutely certain that some people take longer than others to trust their partner which isn't a bad thing. Everyone's different and as a partner you shouldn't press the issue. Give her time and in most cases the less you pressure them, the easier you make it for them to gain trust and eventually open up to you. We tend to make it all personal and look for mistakes we made when we probably didn't even make them. Trust is definitely something that comes with time and experiences. Wow...I totally just rambled but did that make sense?"
"I think you have to tell me which magazine you write for so I can get a subscription asap," I answered completely impressed by her words.
They resonated with me and eased the worries I had had all week. Maybe she was right. What if Lauren's behavior wasn't even about me or our relationship? And if it was, I had known about her trust issues beforehand. I had to be patient although it wasn't my strong suite at all. My temper still got the best of me at times but in order for our relationship to work, I had to adapt as well.
Even though I could have spent the entire day talking to Ally, I had to leave to pick up Lara. She gave me her card and said that I could write her whenever I wanted, off column of course. Grateful, I promised to buy the magazine she worked for and had every intention of actually getting a subscription.
The conversation we had shared lingered on my mind all day. It was late by now but I couldn't shake the words echoing in my head. The truth was that I missed Lauren. I wanted to see her, be around her and enjoy what we had. The architect was busy with work though. She had texted me half an hour ago that she was going to work late again.
Instead of missing her another night, I decided to be spontaneous. Within no time, I had gotten Lara and me ready to go out. We picked up some food on the way. If Lauren couldn't come to us for dinner, we would bring it to her. I assumed she wouldn't mind the little break. It was so late that I doubted anyone else would be working except for her.
Reaching the skyscraper, I looked up the countless stories of the building where I knew Lauren worked. There was a security guard that asked for some ID to get in. After some explaining that I simply wanted to bring dinner to someone who was working late, I used the secret weapon in form of Lara. My daughter pouted and asked if we couldn't go in. The guard granted us access after locking eyes with the hazel ones.
We had to take the elevator to the 17th floor. I had never been at Lauren's firm but I knew enough to find her. Reaching what seemed like a reception desk, there was an older woman looking at us very confused as she was packing her things to leave.
"I'm sorry, we're looking for Lauren Jauregui," I explained quietly approaching her.
"Her cubicle's that way," the woman pointed to her right and I thanked her politely.
The bullpen office we reached looked very modern. I had imagined it a little smaller but it was huge. There must have been at least thirty workstations. However, all of them had their own space and as we walked through the various cubicles, it became apparent how individual all of them were. There was only on parallel: the vast amount of sketches everywhere.
"Can I help you?"
"Jesus Christ!" I exclaimed in shock when I heard a male voice interrupt my thoughts.
"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to scare you," the black-haired man said quickly.
"No, it's fine. I was just...deep in thought," I regained my composure. "I do need help. I'm looking for Lauren Jauregui. Her cubicle should be here somewhere."
"Um...it is right there," he pointed to an empty workstation. "But I think she left a while ago."
My heart dropped. And I almost dropped the bag of takeout food I was holding as well. The lights were out and the cubicle was obviously empty. I felt like the biggest idiot. The dark-haired man disappeared since he probably noticed my shock.
"Mommy?" Lara tugged on my hand. "Where's Pancakes?"
"I don't know, sweetie," I replied just above a whisper. "But obviously she's not here."
"I wanted to see her."
"Me too," I needed a few moments to stomach the pain I felt, realizing Lauren was lying to me. "Come on, let's go home," I stroked my daughter's hair tenderly before grabbing her hand and making our way out the office. The disappointment in her eyes was evident. Although I did a better job at masking it, I couldn't remember the last time I had felt so hurt.
-
The next day went by faster than I expected. I kept myself busy so I wouldn't think too much about Lauren. In fact, I saw her writing me several text messages and calling me but I didn't respond. At this point I wasn't sure how I was going to react when I spoke to her. It was better to calm down before my temper would flare up too much.
I was packing some things for my trip to Kansas this weekend when I heard the doorbell ring. As I reached the door an opened it, I was admittedly surprised to see Lauren standing in the hallway.
"Hey," she said quietly and looked worried – almost anxious.
"Hi," I reciprocated somewhat startled about her surprised visit.
"Are you ok? I've been trying to reach you all day. I was getting really worried."
"I haven't been feeling well," I replied which wasn't a lie.
"Are you getting sick?" Lauren's eyes looked to meet mine but I had a hard time facing her.
"No, I don't think so."
"You had me freaking out to be honest," she confessed with a little smile. "Why didn't you say anything? Is there something I can do to make you feel better?"
Lauren leaned in and kissed my lips sweetly. My heart leaped inside my chest. No matter how upset I was with her, I couldn't deny the butterflies in my stomach and let her in.
"Where is Lara?" my girlfriend asked as we made our way to the living room.
"She's with Austin," I answered matter-of-factly. "Since she'll go to Kansas with me this weekend, he wanted to spend tonight with her."
"Makes sense," Lauren said.
"You're off early from work," I noted and couldn't control the slight anger in my voice.
"I was worried about you and left early," the architect responded and while I should feel happy that she cared that much, I wondered if she was telling another lie.
"Plus, you've been working so many hours lately you can probably afford to leave early once, right?"
"Right," Lauren nodded.
The distinct pain in my chest grew more prominent and despite my best attempts to stay calm, I bit my lip to keep my mouth shut.
"It's actually scary how good you are at lying," I whispered and felt my voice shaking lightly.
"What?" the other brunette seemed shocked.
"I know you haven't been working overtime," I blurted out quietly. "At least you weren't last night because I went to your office to surprise you. Turns out I was in for the bigger surprise when you weren't even there."
"It's not what it looks like," her voice shook, her facial features alarmed.
"What does it look like?"
"I'm not like...hooking up with someone else or something," Lauren quickly interjected.
"I didn't think you were. But you don't have to cheat on someone to hurt them," I argued. "What I don't understand is why you've been lying to me for such a long time though."
"Work has been crazy and I was working a lot of hours. That wasn't a lie," she stuck to her words which surprised me.
"You told me you were working last night but weren't. Sounds like a lie to me," my temper was starting to get the best of me.
"I was still at work when you texted me and went home shortly after-"
"I'm not upset you didn't want to hang out," I interrupted her hastily. "I'm hurt that you lied to me, Lauren."
"I get it," she sounded more desperate. "And I'm sorry that I hurt you."
"You're just sorry because I caught you in a lie," I kept firing.
"That's not fair," she protested now.
"All I hear is you denying or deflecting when all I want to know is why thought you had to lie to me if you didn't want to see me?"
"It's not that I didn't want to see you," Lauren sighed and ruffled her hair with one hand in frustration.
"Then what is it?" I asked just as frustrated.
Meeting her eyes, she looked away and stayed silent. Her reaction hurt tremendously and my first reaction was more anger.
"I need you to communicate with me, Lauren!" my voice filled with fury. "Do you want more space? Are we moving too fast?" I kept asking because I couldn't understand what was going on with her. There was more silence on her end until she finally spoke up.
"Maybe we are moving too fast," she replied just above a whisper.
Although I had suggested them with my question, I wasn't expecting those words from her. I was hoping there was a different reason for her hesitation. The first thing that popped in my mind was my love confession and her not reciprocating it. Had I scared her off with my sudden revelation?
"I always knew you were having a hard time with commitment," I swallowed heavily. "And after what happened with Emily, I want to be considerate. But that doesn't give you the right to lie to me, Lauren."
"I know," she breathed.
"You could have just told me that. Maybe...we should take some time and think about what we want," I suggested and the green eyes suddenly shot up to meet my gaze.
"No, I know what I want," Lauren's eyes were full of apprehension now. "I want to be with you."
"And I thought we were ready for that but maybe we're not," I voiced my concern to see her stepping closer to me.
"No, don't do that," her voice sounded nearly panicked. "Camila, I didn't mean to make you this upset. I'm so sorry, really. From now on I'll be 100% honest with you even if you don't like it," she added. "I hate the lamps in this room for example. They're tacky and don't match the rest of your furniture," she was trying to make me laugh now and it worked although my eyes were filling with tears simultaneously. "Don't cry, Camila. Please...what can I do to fix this?"
She had taken my hand and was holding on to it so perfectly. While I wanted to forget about everything that I feared inside, I couldn't.
"I still feel like you're not telling me the whole truth," I bit my lip to keep it from shaking.
"I don't want to hurt you," Lauren whispered and her words hit me.
Now I was convinced this was about me confessing my feelings and her not reciprocating. She probably felt bad and wanted to create distance so I wouldn't get more attached than I already was. Until now I had thought she did feel the same but wasn't ready to say it. The idea that I had been wrong all along and she genuinely didn't love me, like I loved her, hurt a lot worse than her lying to me. In fact it hurt a lot worse than I was willing to admit in that moment.
"Camila," Lauren's voice brought me back to reality as she gently squeezed my hand. "I don't want time apart."
"But I do," I said with a trembling voice. "I need some time to think."
"Don't do this," her voice grew unsteady as well. "You always do this."
"What?" I asked confused.
"You're so radical when it comes to us," she said. "It's not all Black and White. If you throw the towel at the first sign of trouble, you can't expect us to work this out."
"I'm not throwing the towel...but I need some time to think," I shot back defensively.
"That's what you said to me plenty of times and it always ended with you leaving me," Lauren's voice carried a mixture of anger, sorrow and sheer pain.
"We also won't make it if you keep bringing up the past," I replied angrily. "I'm not the same person I was two or four years ago. I'm not going to leave you but a part of me feels like you want me to."
"What? I don't want you to leave me," her eyebrows furrowed.
"I'm in this, Lauren. But you said we're going too fast and I have to figure out how to slow things down for you because the last thing I want is to lose you," I blurted out helplessly.
My chest was heaving and so was hers because we were both breathing so heavily throughout our argument. The green eyes changed their expression and softened after my last words. Her head dropped and I heard her sighing very deeply. She seemed so torn but I couldn't force her to open up if there was still something she wasn't telling me. All I wanted was to tell her how much I loved her but the realization that she wouldn't reciprocate hurt too much to do it.
"I don't want to lose you either," she spoke softly and met my gaze again. "If you need time to think then I'll trust that you'll tell me when you're ready."
She looked what I felt like: defeated. It was strange because I felt like we both wanted the same thing but at the same time we couldn't find a way that worked for both of us. How was that even possible? Why wasn't it ever easy with us? If we wanted to be with each other, why couldn't we be like any other couple? Was there something holding us back that I wasn't aware of?
Looking deeply into the emerald orbs, I saw so much affection in them. It only reminded me of how sure I had been that she loved me.
"Camila...I..." Lauren breathed and I noticed her hand shaking because she was still holding mine. Although I shouldn't, I felt some hope that she might say the three words I had already said to her. "I'm so sorry that I hurt you," I sighed quietly and nodded. "I...care about you so much."
"I know," I replied. "And I accept your apology. Just please don't lie to me again."
"I won't," she answered quickly.
Silence ensued once again as neither of us knew how to handle the situation. It was absolutely instinctual but the only thing I truly wanted to do. Closing the distance between us, I pressed my lips against hers. She reciprocated without hesitation but sighed in relief. Her lips were still shaky but regained their skills soon. Taking a quick breath the taller one captured my lips with hers again to demonstrate her affection.
I let go of her hand and cupped her face with my hands. Her arms folded around my waist while I stroked her cheeks with my thumbs. She released another sigh of pleasure while pressing me tighter against her body. We shared a few more kissed before I let go. Resting my forehead against hers, I kept my eyes closed and needed to feel that intimate feeling between us after the conversation we had just had. Lauren kissed my temple and forehead affectionately and I had goosebumps all over my arms.
My heart felt like it was close to exploding whenever she treated me like this. However, given the nature of what had happened before, I was afraid of saying something that would worsen the situation. My hands on her cheeks slowly slid down her neck, softly caressing the skin on its way before settling on her shoulders and taking a small step back. The chances of me saying that I loved her were too great so I had to put a stop to it.
"I'll call you tomorrow when I land, ok?" I said and cleared my throat. "But I have to finish packing now."
Lauren simply nodded her head and bit her lower lip as if she was holding back some words.
"Good luck in Kansas," her words were accompanied with yet another sigh.
"Thanks," I said.
Lauren leaned in and left another quick kiss on my lips.
"Goodnight," her voice breathed.
"Goodnight," I reciprocated and watched her walking out of my apartment for a second time in a row with a horrible feeling she wasn't being completely honest.
---------------------
A/N: Like I had predicted, I was super busy the past few weeks. Plus, I needed a little break from social media and writing to be honest. Then I was on vacation so time flew really. But since I'm back to work on Monday I wanted to write at least something.
And if you know anything about me, you know that I can't go on too long without some sort of angst lol And there is definitely some in this chapter. But I hope you like it anyways after all the fluff.
As always, I'm not sure when I'll update next time. For now, Feedback is appreciated and have a good one - Jazmin