Chapter 7 ~ Liam
When they say looks deceive you, I’m sure they are thinking of Tammy. In one afternoon she has confused me so much that I’m not sure what to think about her anymore. I met her a few weeks ago and she was the most awful person I’ve ever met, but today she is completely different. When she speaks to all these kids, when she encourages them to be whatever they want because nothing can stop them… I can’t see the girl I met the first time. She makes you think she is a complete bitch, that she is the rebel rockstar who doesn’t give a fuck… but then she is in a charity for kids with troubled infancies and she is the one who worries the most, she is the sweetest with all of them, and the one who knows exactly what to say to make them have hope again.
Who is this girl who can change so much? Who is this girl that hides part of herself and only shows what she wants to show? Why does she change so much when one of the kids talks to her? Why did she look about to cry when that girl mentioned the good mother issue? Is she afraid of being a mother like Moni?
I have so many questions and the longest I stare at her, the more questions flood my mind. I know there’s a lot more than what she lets everyone see and I can’t help wondering why and what she is hiding. I’m sure that if I ask her, she will never tell me. Probably she will hurt me. But I really, really need to know.
After so long, I finally find a girl that catches my attention, someone that intrigues me. Certainly, Tammy doesn’t do it in the way I would have expected, but I can’t stop asking questions about her, wanting to know her better. I want her to remove all her masks and let me see the real Tammy, but I know that won’t be easy. Maybe it’s impossible, but I have to try.
That’s one of the reasons why I accepted to play with her band for these kids. The first reason is the kids, because this gig will make them happy. And the fact that I want to know her better is also why I don’t leave her side and I barely mind that she is using me as her punching bag. She is making fun of me to bring smiles to the kids’ faces. And that’s why when she says, “Yeah, but Noob here doesn’t want me, so I’m safe. Right, Noob? I’m too much for you,” I find myself replying with all honesty what I really think.
“You never know, Tammy. You never know.”
Because I’m not sure if I want her but I know I don’t want her away anymore.
“Are you f–” she cuts herself off before she can curse in front of the kids “freaking kidding me? What does that mean?” She demands and my smile grows wider.
“I mean, you’re a different girl. Maybe I like you,” I say and her eyes only show shock and a bit of hatred.
“Don’t tell me that now you’re my groupie after you saw me performing,” she laughs and looks at the kid next to her, Ray. He smiles at her, too. “I have many of those already, I don’t need one with the smile of a puppy, right?” That comment makes everyone laugh, even I smile.
“Maybe,” is all I say and her head snaps in my direction, not pleased with my answer.
It’s good she sees she doesn’t have full control over everything. There are things about me that she can’t control and she needs to bear with that.
Tammy glares daggers at me but she drops the matter and decides to change the topic. I still can’t take my eyes off of her, trying to figure her out, trying to find everything that she is hiding under the mask of a rebel and rude rockstar. She is more than that, I know that now.
* * * * *
During the following days and before we head to other cities of Great Britain, I visit the charity several times. My bond with little Rose is strong and beautiful. She still hasn’t said a single word but when she sees me, she smiles brightly and hugs me tightly. She doesn’t leave my side until I have to go.
I’ve found my charity. I know that this is the place where I want to work the most, these are the kids I want to always help as much as I can. When I picked this to be the charity I’ll sponsor, I never imagined that Tammy would do the same. So meeting her again in this place is certainly a plus I wasn’t expecting but maybe I should’ve. After seeing her like that with the kids, I should’ve expected her to come back.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” she says when we meet again in the charity. I swear she looks about to curse every god known in history. “Here? Seriously?”
“I just signed up to be a volunteer and I’ll be helping as much as I can,” I tell her and she closes her eyes for a few seconds, taking deep breathes. “I assume you did the same.”
“The other day.” That doesn’t surprise me, I can see she is really committed to this cause. “Couldn’t you pick another cause?” She inquires pinching the bridge of her nose.
“I think you shouldn’t complain. These kids need as much help as they can get, don’t you think?” I ask back, my patience running low already.
Why is she like this? Why does she speak to me in this angry and rude tone, but when the kids are around she is so different? I don’t think I’ve ever done something to her, nor anyone else, but she treats everyone the same. I wish she would stop changing so easily, I wish she would stop wearing this rude and bitchy mask.
Tammy opens her eyes, her green irises on me watching me carefully, and then she agrees. “That’s true. I guess I can bear you for the kids.”
I’m not sure if I should answer that or not. I’m not sure if she kind of hates me or she just thinks I’m not worthy of her time. Something tells me it’s the latter. At the end I just let it pass, I don’t want to end up fighting. I’m here to help the kids, I feel connected with this cause and if I fall in Tammy’s game, I won’t be making any good. So that’s why I try to get along with her while we work here together and believe me, it is hard when all she does is make fun of you. I’m still the puppy one, the noob and from time to time, the lesbian. The kids don’t call me those, though. I guess it’s only Tammy’s privilege to mock the popstar, the kids only laugh.
She may make fun of me ninety-nine per cent of the time, but I always notice she does that to cheer the kids, to make them smile. Two days ago a new eight-year-old kid and her sister of fifteen arrived after their parents kicked them out. Apparently, this has happened a few times already when the father gets too drunk, so these kids really have a shelter in this place. When I saw them I could see the pain, the exhaustion and the misery in their expressions and so did Tammy. That day all she did was make fun of me until those two girls were laughing so hard they shed tears. That day I didn’t mind being called a lesbian.
It is impressive how much Tammy cares for these kids. She plays with them, she brings her guitar and teaches them how to play, she brings them presents and candy. She never comes with empty hands. By the second day she already knew every kid’s name, but her favourite is Ray. As my favourite is Rose, this little girl who doesn’t dare to utter a single word but who never leaves my side when I’m there.
During the days we meet in the charity, I observe Tammy as I spend time with the kids. I see her change, I see her kindness with the kids and her happiness when she makes them smile. I’m slowly learning things about her. For instance, I learn she doesn’t eat meat and although she tells the kids it’s because she feels sorry for the animals, there’s something in her eyes that makes me think there must be another reason behind that.
I know Tammy hides many things, I just wish it would be easy to know all those things.
Another side of Tammy I see during this time is the responsible one. You may think that with her rebel attitude and her I-don’t-give-a-single-fuck-about-you behaviour, she is the irresponsible type, the one that doesn’t take anything seriously, but her music is everything to her. She never misses a rehearsal or an interview or a photoshoot session and still she manages to find time to visit the charity almost every day. And she doesn’t forget we promised these kids a gig together.
I’ve been to other cities while she is still in London and she calls me or texts me constantly.
Noob, when are we gonna have rehearsals for the show? —Tammy
Noob, the kids asked for this. It’s our responsibility. Pull your shit together —Tammy
Noob, you better find time. You made a promise —Tammy
And like those there are many other messages and with the European tour, finding time is rather difficult. When we have our breaks, everyone wants to disappear Zayn-style –although he is the only one who really accomplishes it–, so when I ask them to meet with Prodigy, they refuse, which makes this very complicated.
I even have to talk to Management to see how we can make this work, I really want to do this for the kids although it seems pretty impossible. I honestly don’t see Prodigy and One Direction playing together, but if it is what would make these kids happy, then I’m all up for it and I’ll try my hardest to make it work.
And that’s how we come up with this idea, considering that Prodigy are only promoting their new single so they have more time, they will come to meet us a few days during the weeks we’re on tour.
“So you want us to go to Dublin this week to rehearse with you all?” Tammy asks when I call her telling her what I’ve sorted it all out. “Can’t you take a little time of your break to do this?” I hear her annoyed tone.
“I have no problem, but the lads have their girlfriends and they can only see them during those days and––”
“Wimps,” she mutters cutting me off and I feel like chuckling, but I hold it back. Something tells me she wouldn’t take it nicely. “All of you are a bunch of pussies. Why am I still talking to you?” She muses and I can picture her pinching the bridge of her nose and I find myself smiling at the image.
“’Cos you would do anything for those kids,” I answer and I hear the silence between us, I can hear her slow breathing.
“Okay, we’ll see you next week.” I do notice how she doesn’t admit that what I’ve said is true. I know it, I’ve seen it. For some reason, I even believe she would give her life for those kids.
“See you soon, Tammy,” I tell her.
“Yeah, don’t get too excited. I don’t like it when you fangirl in my face.” This time I do chuckle but she doesn’t say anything else, she just hangs up.
As I fail at visualising her band and us playing together, I’m also curious to know how this will turn out. I guess I’ll know it pretty soon.
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Dedication to Cat for all the comments and for catching up with all the stories. It was you on Tumblr, right?
Bel, xx