Appearently, I was wrong. Lila wasn't waiting for me in my office, but my father was -and by the look on his face we were about to have a looong talk I didn't have the time for. Gabriel's plane was scheduled to take off in two hours -at least that's what Mathew had said in his text- and I really had to get to the airport before that.
Lewis Groves -AKA dad- was wearing a pinstriped, grey suit, a navy blue shirt and black tie, his grey hair perfectly styled. Standing up from the chair he'd occupied -he was completely against me having a sofa in my office- my father gave me a harsh look.
"A murderer, Julia?" He asked, but it wasn't really a question. It was more of an accusation brought to me. Anyway, judging by his tone, the look on his face and his stance, I was in some deep shit over here. "I'm sure I taught you better than that." Knowing that sooner or later I had to say something to my father, I sighed deeply and started to get rid of the heavy, black robe I had to wear as a judge.
"He's not a murderer, dad. He was found innocent." My father huffed and I knew exactly what he was about to say next.
"Being convicted as a murderer is more than enough, Julia. I don't care if he was found innocent. You're not going to see that man again." You see, my father had this unccany ability of making me feel like the ten year old I wasn't anymore. "I want you to give me your word that you're not gonna see him again, Julia. At least not as long as I shall live." Promising him that I wouldn't see Gabriel anymore would've been verry easy, since my murderer was leaving for Italy, without anybody knowing when he might come back, but something deep inside me didn't allow those words to leave my lips.
"I can't promise you that, father." His eyes widened, his chest expanding and I knew that he was about to give me a hell of a lecture, so I hurried to talk first. "Father, I'm a grown woman, dammit. I can see whoever I want to see and face the consequences of that fact. How the hell am I supposed to learn from my mistakes if you won't let me make any?" It was the first time I dared curse in front of my father, but things had to come to an end at some point and I had a feeling that talking nicely and keeping my head bowed to him wouldn't have helped.
My dad took a few steps around the room and ran his hands through his hair a couple of times, not making a sound the whole time. I wanted to yell at him. Make him say something. I hated the silence that was currently surrounding us. It made me realise just how much I'd disappointed him.
"Is it my fault? Are you trying to get back at me for something?" My teeth captured my lower lip and I shook my head. It had nothing to do with any kind of revenge.
"No. I'm just trying to be happy. He makes me happy." And he actually did make me happy. That was when he didn't try to make me a protege, lie to me, or sleep with his wife behind my back. Ok, so we were going through a rough patch. And the fact that he was boarding a plane to Italy this evening was probably not going to help, but that's just how things were. My father gave me another worried look.
"How can you say a murderer makes you happy?" I really couldn't explain that. Not even to me. I knew that he was supposed to make me feel anything but happiness. "Have you spoken to Doctor Cohen, sweety? All this time, I thought that you were alright. That your mother's departure hadn't affected you, but maybe..." For God's sake! My father trying to imply that I was crazy was just too much to bear, so I errupted.
"God, dad, shut up! I'm not seing Gabriel because -as you may think- I'm broken. And I'm not broken because of a mother I barely remember. You did everything right. You gave me an education and helped me every single time I needed it. You were there for me when I couldn't sleep at night and fixed me the best damn pancakes in the world. But you can't imply I'm crazy and ask me not to see the man I love. That, I won't allow. I'm not 10 anymore." The man you love? Do you even hear yourself? Great. Now I also had my conscience judging me. Because my father's judgement was really not enough.
The way dad was looking at me made me want to disappear. I knew he was probably waiting for me to apologize or start laughing and say it was all just a joke, but he knew better than that. I had nothing to apologize for and this was certainly not a joke. Slowly shaking his head and briefly closing his eyes, he looked more tired than I'd ever seen him and the knowledge that I had done that to him was killing me.
"So you're choosing him..." His words drifted to me, my heart clenching in my chest. In spite of the fact that he hadn't literally asked me to choose between him and Gabriel, I'd known from the start that that was the main purpose of his visit. Nodding my head, I realised that, indeed, I'd made my choice. "And you're choosing him... over me." I wished he hadn't said that. I wished I didn't have to choose from the two loves of my life. But he had said that and I did have to make a choice. Praying for my voice not to brake under the burden of my broken heart, I gathered my courage.
"I'm choosing him..." The fact that he was going to leave anyway was totally irrelevant at the moment.
"I see." Dad said and started for the door, but I couldn't let him leave like that. I needed to know that I still had him. That I could still count on him. That I could call him dad. I needed to know that this thing between us could be fixed in time and that he'd try to fix it-just like I would. I needed him to promise me that he would still love me -at least half of what I would always love him. My throat closed in on me before I got the chance to call for him and I collapsed onto my chair, sobs and tears simply choking me.
"If you really loved me, you wouldn't have asked me to make this kind of choice." I whispered to the empty room, attempting to stand up and wipe my cheeks dry. I now only had 80 minutes left to get to the airport.
$$$
The car reached 80 miles per hour, the speed still rising, but that didn't stop me from stepping on it. I had to get to the airport, say my good byes and then hurry back if I wanted to get to the clinic in time to help my friend through everything. She'd said it was in her best interest and that she was looking forward to being thin and nausea-free again when she'd called me earlier to announce me that she'd moved up her appointment. I could only be there for her, considering I had no intention to interfere with her decision. It was her body and she had all the right to do what she considered best for herself -even though I didn't agree with her decision.
The traffic had been light and thanks to that I could already see the airport up ahead, the huge building making my stomach churn. I hated being caught up between the man I thought I loved and my best friend who needed me. Even more so, I hated the fact that the time was still quickly passing by, not giving me a second to put some order into my scattered thoughts.
Checking my phone again to make sure that I had enough time, I gripped the steering wheel tighter. Deep down, I knew that I would never have enough time to say good bye to Gabriel. Deep down, I also knew, that if I had a choice, I would've never said good bye to him.
Pulling into the first parking space I could find, I jumped out of the car, running towards the glass building in front of me and getting ready to have my heart broken. I knew better than to expect a happy ending this time. Happy endings only happen in books and movies. This was real life and it sucked.
Checking Mathew's text again, I headed for the information office, the blonde woman there frowning at me, instead of smiling -the way airport workers always do in movies.
"May I help you, madame?" Her bored tone echoed through the room, her eyes running up and down my body. I nodded my head, trying to catch my breath.
"The flight for Italy... What gate?" Was all I could utter, but the woman seemed to understand. Taking her time, she typed something into her computer and then looked back at me.
"The next flight to Italy is leaving in half an hour from gate number 4. Would you like a ticket for it?" Not bothering to answer her question anymore, I ran to the fourth gate, my eyes desperately searching for Gabriel, Mathew or anybody else I might've recognized. The crowd of people gathered in front of me was blocking my view and I soon realised that I was never going to find them that way. Dialing Mathew's number and hoping for him to hear the ringing phone, I took the cell to my ear. His voice came through the speaker a moment later.
"He wants to come get you and I don't know for how much longer I can keep him here. Where are you? You said you'd be here to explain everything to him and I honestly doubt I can get him into that plane until you do." His voice was mostly a whisper, making me realise that Gabriel was somewhere near him. Trying to get closer to the gate, I bumped into a couple of people.
"I'm at the gate. Where are you?" A trace of annoyance had snuck into my tone, in spite of my struggle to keep calm.
"What gate?" After filling Mathew in on my very brief conversation with the rude information lady, a barely audible laugh resonated through the phone. "We're at gate number 1. We're boarding a private flight. Now get your ass here." Sighing, I turned on my heels and started for my new destination. Only a dozen people were waiting in front of the first gate and I happened to know all of them. As if sensing my presence, Gabe turned and stared directly at me. He was wearing a nice pair of jeans, a white polo T-shirt and some Converse shoes. My eyes took him in greedily, his fresh, casual appearence making my mouth water.
I don't know what it is that he must have seen on my face, but he frowned and immediatelly made his way to me. Now, in a movie, this would be the moment when the girl runs to the boy, begging him not to leave and he would pick her up in his arms, spinning her around a couple of times. The scene would end with a kiss and a ride home where they would live happily ever after. Like I'd said it before, this was not a movie, so all that time -until he reached me-, I just tried to maintain my composure despite the fact that the sight of him almost tore my chest open. Stopping mere inches from me, Gabriel scooped me up into his arms and pulled me into his solid chest.
"Thank God you're here. I was starting to worry you wouldn't show up." I smiled, finally realising what Mathew must have told him to get him here."Mathew has told me everything -everything he could make out by himself, since you told him nothing anyway. How could I ever thank you?" That was easy. I didn't want him to thank me.
Looking over his shoulder, I saw Maria smiling at me from the window. I saw Mei giving me what I considered to be a less nasty glare. I even saw Mathew hugging Angie and the rest of the people there watching me with respect -even Stephanie. Hardly fighting my tears back anymore and inhaling deeply, I pushed away from Gabriel, already missing the warmth and scent of his body. He gave me a puzzled look.
"What's wrong?" I shook my head and he frowned. Without giving him the time to really analyse the situation, I hurried to explain to him why he had to go and what was with the hurry. He'd gotten lucky today but he just couldn't afford to sit around and wait for somebody to start asking questions -questions that might've put him in the spotligh again. The case was closed for now, but I knew for a fact that some people were not ready to give up on it yet -people I could handle, of course. People who were going to look for new evidence and actually find them. When I finished what I had to say, Gabriel nodded, his hazels staring straight into my blues. "Julia, where is your luggage?" Filling my lungs with fresh air, I pulled him towards a round of chairs and forced him to sit.
"You see... That's the thing. I'm not coming." The words left my lips in the form of a whisper, but that was the only sign of weakness I showed. I couldn't cry. Not in front of him. Not now.
"No. Julia, you said it yourself. People are gonna start asking questions. I'm not leaving you to the wolves." Shaking my head, I tried to explain why it was best for him to be away for now -not really giving him a choice. "Look, if this is about me and Stephanie..." I placed a finger onto his lips in a silencing gesture. I didn't need to hear the story. I just wanted to remember him the way he was -fresh, gorgeous and hurt. No dirt today. No talking about ex-wives. No nothing that could've ruined the memory of my last moments with him.
"It's not." I had long forgiven him for that. A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera started singing in the background, the song so perfectly matching our situation. Maybe with one exception. I had no desire to give up on my murderer.
"Then come with me." He whispered fervently and that almost made me cave in. I wished it was so simple.
"I can't." I had to push the words out, the effort leaving me panting. He gritted his teeth, but I couldn't tell if he was annoyed or simply looking for a way to persuade me into actually going with him.
"Why not?" Gabe asked after a long moment of silence, his question taking me aback. What do you answer to such a question?
"Because I have a life here. I can't just pack up and leave." No matter how much I wanted to.
"We'll make a new life. The two of us. Together." Three words was all it would've taken for me to accept his offer, in spite of the fact that I knew it was best for me to stay behind and keep a close eye on things. Three words that would've made me give up on everything for the man I also loved. But he didn't believe in romance. He didn't believe in love.
"I'd never asked you to give up on your life for me. Don't ask me to give up on mine." My whispered words were weaker than I'd thought they would be and that was probably because I actually wanted the exact opposite. I wanted him to ask me to give up on my life for him. I wanted to hear him say he loved me, but those things were never going to happen -I knew that.
"I can't..." He said -as if reading my mind-, pain lacing his voice. "I don't believe in it. I'm not capable of feeling it, Julia." And that simple sentence said more that any other words could. He wasn't capable of love.
"Here." Taking the small enevelope out of my purse I handed it to him. "Promise me to read it after the plane takes off. It should explain everything that's happened today in court." He nodded, his eyes carefully studying the envelope in his hands. "Also promise me to never look back." Gabe nodded again, more hesitantly this time and I knew that this promise, he wasn't going to keep.
"I hate good byes." Holding back my tears, I put on a brave facade.
"Then don't make this moment one. Make it a memory instead." Gabriel nodded thoughtfully and then signaled for Mathew to come closer.
"Let Ginger know that she's not coming anymore. Instead, she's Julia's new personal bodyguard." Mathew nodded without aknowledging my shocked expression. Placing his finger under my chin, Gabriel lifted my head so that his lips could tenderly take mine. His arms pulled me closer to him, his kiss becoming somewhat forcefull, savage -desperate. When he pulled back he was panting. "See you soon, Judge." And just like that, he turned his back to me, starting for the now open gate.
I died the moment the door closed behind all the people I'd grown fond of. Not me me. I didn't literally die. Just my soul. But that was more than enough. Even my conscience knew better than to say anything at that moment.
Well, at least two things I knew for sure now. One: I'd kept the promise I'd made to myself not to cry -yet. And two: Gabriel had also kept his promise not to look back.
$$$
Ginger parked the car in front of the private clinic Lila had told me about and smiled. Ed Sheeran saying something about an A team in the background, his words stuck with me by now. Watching my newly assigned personal bodyguard comfortably sitting behind the wheel and sipping from her can of Coke, I wished she'd let me drive my own car, but appearently, driving me everywhere I had to be was part of her job's description.
"Go ahead now. Your friend must be waiting for you." The woman said, not sparring me a look. Glancing at my phone, I realised that Lila must have been waiting for me indeed. I was 8 minutes late. Opening the left door of my Mazda I was just about to climb out when something hit me. I turned around to look at Ginger, finding her looking back at me. "I'll be here to take you home, don't worry." With that problem out of the way, I finally climbed out of the car, running to the front door of the clinic and making my way down a rather deserted hallway.
Following the signs directing me to the OB department of the clinic, I found my friend sitting on one of the many blue chairs in the waiting area. Taking a deep breath and keeping my thoughts to myself, I took a seat next to her, waiting for Lila to say something. Her deep blue eyes stared into the empty space ahead of her, her body completely still.
"Lila?" Her name rolled off my tongue, but my friend didn't react to my calling. "Sweety, when is your turn?" That appeared to finally get her attention, my friend turning to look at me.
"15 minutes ago." She whispered, making me wonder if I'd heard that right.
"You missed your turn?" That was pretty obvious, you may say, but you don't know my friend the way I do. When Lila really wanted something, she didn't let anything stop her from getting that something.
"I didn't miss anything. I was here when they called my name." Oh, my God! My mind was now connecting the dots and the result was not what I'd expected.
"You didn't have the abortion?" The question sounded stupid, even to my own ears, but everything seemed less stupid the moment Lila nodded. She was keeping the baby then, right? "So, you're..."
"I don't know, Jules. The thing is I found myself sitting here, all alone and then they called my name. Did you know that, right as we speak, the baby is developing inside of me?" I swallowed hard. Now this was my Lila. "I couldn't do it, Jules." Two perfect tears rolled down her cheeks and my hands automatically reached out for her, enveloping my best friend into a comforting embrace. I was never going to tell her that, but I was damn happy she'd changed her mind. "And I can't marry Kevin, Jules. I don't love him and I could swear to God he's gay." I nodded my head, even though I was very sure Kevin wasn't gay at all.
Slowly standing up, I took my friend's hands, pulling her up as well.
"So what now?" It was the first time my friend smiled again after so long.
"Now, I guess I'll be a mother..." That was a good thing since I was sure that she could handle the part. Her kid was going to be a little, lucky bastard for having my friend as a mother. "Take me home, please?" Placing my arm around Lila's shoulders on a laugh, I started leading her towards the entrance. "Can we talk about a colaboration on this whole baby thing?" No longer capable of holding back my laughter, I opened the doors and stepped out of the building with my pregnant best friend at my side.
$$$
Pulling at the blue, cocktail dress I wore and running my hands through my fiery hair, I headed straight for the bar, knowing fully well that Ginger was carefully watching me from somewhere next to the door where she'd said she had the best view of me. Quickly glancing behind, I smiled at my bodyguard. She was wearing a sexy, black jumpsuit, her perky breasts perfectly round beneath the fabric. She looked deathly and I felt safe thanks to that. Ok, maybe I also felt safe thanks to the bracelet she'd forced me to wear. The other gangs didn't know about Gabriel's departure yet and that meant that wearing a protege bracelet could still protect me for a while.
Taking a seat onto one of the bar stools, I waved my hand at the bartender and placed my order -an orange juice vodka. A smooth, female voice came from the speakers. I soon recognized the song as being Alex and Sierra's Litle do you know, the lyrics of it breaking what was left of my heart.
Just then my mind decided to make a little recap of the crappy day I'd had, as if having to live it once wasn't already bad enough. Let's see. My conscience started, now awakened by the smell of alcohol. First of all, you broke your father's heart and he'll probably never forgive you. Second of all, you'd fallen in love with a killer who's now on his way to the other side of the ocean. Then, there is your friend and her decision to keep the baby and not get married anymore. And let's not forget the personal bodyguard forcing you to become a protege. Where's your pride?
I tried to find an answer to that, but it was impossible for me to come up with one. And wanna know why that was? Because, at that moment, I had no pride left in me.
The bad news: once started, my bitch of a conscience wouldn't stop terorizing me. The good news: somewhere between the fifth and the ninth drink, the bitch must have drowned, since she didn't make another sound all night.
As about the tears... The pain... They were still there and they were going to keep being there for quite some time. I just refused to allow them the luxury of bubbling up to the surface.
Taking another sip of my drink, I bitterly smiled. I'd never considered myself capable of loosing everything in only one day. I guess I'd underestimated myself.