I held her tight all night. Later on when Dez came in I told him I was keeping her. With a smirk he told me he'd return with some fresh clothes. A year ago I wouldn't have picked him out of a crowd — now it felt like he was my best friend. And I owed it all to the girl sleeping in my arms.
~Austin~
I didn't have any nightmares, and by five in the morning, when the nurse checked on me again. I felt back to my old self.
Except for the fact that they moved the surgery forward. It was going to happen in less than five days. Which meant my time with Ally was now severely limited.
In six days I could be dead, and if I wasn't dead I'd either be in a coma or be sent home to die.
I told Dez I'd fight and I wanted to, but it was hard to be optimistic, so damn hard.
I prayed over and over again that I would be spared, not because I cared that much about my own life — but because I cared about hers.
Sleep wasn't happening, so by the time Dez stopped by with a duffel bag I was wide-eyed and ready for coffee — anything but those fucking pills they kept forcing down me.
"Sleeping still?" Dez whispered when he walked in.
"Like the dead."
"Not funny, man." Dez' voice hitched as he took a seat and put his head in his hands. "So not funny."
"Too soon?" I laughed.
"I can't..." Dez clenched his jaw and looked at me. "There are others more deserving of cancer, you know? That's what gets me. Why does it have to happen to people like you—? People who have such a bright future — why do you get cancer when mass murderers live their lives in jail getting to watch free HBO? I don't get it."
"I don't know, man." I sighed. "I can't explain it. I guess that's just what happens when we live. Nobody is promised anything. That's why life's so precious."
"It should have been me," Dez whispered so I almost couldn't hear him.
"Dez?"
"What?" He snorted. "Do you even realize that type of life I've led? The things I've done, what I've tried. The drugs? Sex? Girls? Stealing to get high? Shit, man, it should have been me. I would..." He choked on his words and looked away. "I would take your place. I just want you to know. If God told me that was my penance for living the shitty life I've lived, I'd take your place. I asked Him, hell, I begged last night, and you know what? Nothing. Silence."
"So live a better life," I snapped. "Do better. Be Better. Don't let my life be wasted. If I need to be sacrificed in order for you to get that, then that's fine. Just don't let it destroy you, let it renew you."
Dez sniffed. I could tell he was minutes away from losing it. Hell, I'd been that way all night. It hurt like hell to keep the tears in, to stay strong when the love of my life was lying against me crying in her sleep.
"How's my favorite patient?" The nurse walked into the room and grabbed the clipboard. "You ready for your MRI?"
No. Hell, no. I didn't want to know the truth. So I'd asked them not to tell me. If I was going to die I didn't want to know. I didn't want to go into surgery with the mindset of defeat.
"Sure, let me just wake Sleeping Beauty."
Dez jumped to his feet. "I'll just be outside. I'm sure she'll be hungry."
"Dez," I called after him.
He turned. "Yeah?"
"I do have one favor to ask."
"Anything."
"I need you to do something for my girl." I smiled and licked my lips. "She's going to be pissed, but promise me you'll do it."
Dez laughed. "I like the idea already."
"I'll text you the details later. I have it set up for tomorrow, okay?"
"Sounds good." Dez waved and walked off as I leaned down and kissed Ally's lips.
"Mmm," she moaned.
I kissed her lips again. Her eyes fluttered open. "Tell me it was a bad dream, Austin."
"Not a bad dream, just not my favorite." I brushed the hair from her face and closed my eyes as it ran through my fingers. "Now, as much as I love having you plastered against me, that nice nurse standing over there needs to take me for my MRI."
"Oh." Ally jumped to her feet a little unsteady at first and then shoved her hands into the pockets of her jeans. "I probably look like a mess anyways. I should go get a shower."
"Dez has stuff for you." I nodded to the door. "My dad has a suite in his own private part of the hospital. You and Dez can sleep there and take showers, alright? I'm assuming you want to be here and—"
"I'm not leaving your side," she vowed.
That was what I'd been afraid of. I would be the one leaving and she — she would stay.
"Alright." I yawned and gave her a wink. "I'll be done in a bit and then we can talk all about how I'm the worst boyfriend in the world for missing the Homecoming party."
She smiled at that and walked out of the room.
"Beautiful girlfriend."
I looked at the nurse, not caring that she was probably going to think I was crazy and said, "I would make her my wife if I could."
The nurse smiled and patted my arm. "Don't give up yet. Sometimes when we think life has written The End, what he really means is The Beginning."
~~~~ (ू•-•ू⑅) ~~~~
The MRI scared the hell out of me. I always hated them but wasn't given much of a choice in this instance. Instead of concentrating on not moving — I thought about Ally.
I imagined what she would look like when she was thirty. Would her smile still be the same? Would her belly be swollen with a child? Damn, but I wanted the child to be mine.
I bit down hard on my lip. I had to stay still, my fists wanted to clench. I wanted to yell. My visions went on fast forward to Ally as an old woman sitting on the porch holding her husband's hand.
I wasn't sure why I was torturing myself. Hell, I've not known her for a year, but it wasn't that instant love thing that had been a part of all my teenage and college years. I knew it was real. Maybe that was life's final gift to me — true love.
Before I knew it, the MRI was over and my face was wet with tears.
The minute I could move I wiped the wetness from my face so nobody would notice.
The last time I cried was when Anthony died. Funny, how death really brings it out in people.
Four months ago I was ready. Four months ago I had accepted my fate. But now? Now I wanted more than anything to be a part of Ally's story, not just a chapter, but the entire book.
I just wasn't sure what the plan was. All I knew is it was out of my control. Maybe that was the scariest thing. In life we always have some measure of control whether it be over our emotions or choices, but when it comes to cancer? The only thing you can control is how you respond to it.
"How are you feeling?" that same nurse asked. She had bright blond hair. Her skin was a pale white, but she didn't look washed out. She was really pretty, though I couldn't tell how old she was.
Maybe thirty? Forty? I must have looked confused, because she put her warm hand to my forehead. "Are you feeling ill?"
"No, sorry." I laughed. "I just, I know this sounds strange, but I can't tell how old you are."
Her smile brightened. "We're as old as we feel, right?"
"Right." And I felt hella old.
Especially after that morning's round of medications. At least I didn't have to swallow anything anymore. Nah, they just pumped all those fun drugs directly into my veins. Lucky me.
"Austin." Her voice was crisp. "It's going to be okay." She grabbed my hand and patted it.
I looked at her name tag, Angela. It fit. She seemed more angel than nurse anyway.
"Thanks, Angela."
She looked at me in confusion.
I pointed to the name tag.
She laughed. "Brilliant college boys."
"What can I say?" I grinned as she helped me back to my bed.
Forty-one or forty-five. I was going to stick with that.
She was probably the same age as my mom would have been before her untimely death.
She'd had blond hair too.
It was probably why I was acting like a lunatic towards her.
I wondered if the drugs did that to me, made me more emotional than normal.
"Sleep," Angela ordered upon returning me to my room. "And I'll be sure to wake you when your future wife arrives." She winked.
I couldn't trust myself to talk. Although I appreciated the nurse's optimism, it fell on deaf ears. I was already starting to feel the cold seep into my limbs — as if death was coming for me and there was nothing I could do but wait for its all-consuming presence.
I look up to the ceiling, looking for something, anything.
I needed to talk to them. But who?
The universe? God? just something.
"Umm..." choked on the word.
Im still not sure who I'm talking to, but I don't stop. "I know we haven't talked much in the past few years. Hell, I told you I hated you when Anthony took his own life." I cursed again and pinched the bridge of my nose. "I don't even care about myself anymore, just promise me she'll be okay. If I don't make it... if you take me, just let Ally be okay. She can't go down that road — I don't care if you have to punish me. If she's going to suffer, give me her pain instead. If her heart's going to break, break mine for hers. Please... please."
The drugs Angela had given me started to kick in, I fell into a dreamless sleep with that prayer repeating over and over again in my head.
________________________________________________________________________________
Three months ago I wouldn't have been strong enough to go through this. Now? Now I felt like The Hulk — I'd hold his hand through it, we'd walk through the battle together and in the end, we'd still be holding hands.
~Ally~
"Should I be worried that you haven't said one word since we've gotten in the car?" Dez asked.
I shook my head. "Nah, just thinking."
"Right, women and thinking. That never causes any problems for the human race."
"Hilarious." I rolled my eyes and grabbed his hand. "Dez?"
"Yeah." He clenched my hand.
"Thank you."
"Just doing my friendship duties. Think of it as a penance for my many sins." He laughed.
I could tell he was trying to make light of what he was doing. I didn't know why it was so necessary that he constantly put himself down. But there it was.
"Above and beyond friendship." I squeezed his hand and released it. "Though I am curious. Where are we going? I kind of want to be there when Austin wakes up."
Dez grinned. "Don't you worry your pretty little head. Austin had this all planned out for you guys. Actually, the plan was for me and Cassidy to come too. But it's better this way. Austin did tell me I had to video you though."
"Video me?" I repeated, dread and fear mixed in my voice. "Video what exactly?"
Dez just kept grinning.
About thirty minutes later we were pulling up to an old Bridge North of Seattle.
"Time to shine!" Dez clapped his hands and nodded his head. "This is going to be epic."
"I have a bad feeling."
"No punking out. You're doing this for Austin." Dez pointed at me and then stalked over to the bridge where a few people were setting some sort of contraption up.
Oh no. Oh no, no, no.
"Ally," Dez said. "Meet the crew from Miami Bungee. They're going to be the ones making sure all the safety stuff in is order so you don't go splat."
"How reassuring," I mumbled dryly.
"No worries!" A guy who appeared even younger than me laughed and slapped me on the back. "We do this all time. It's our job. Haven't lost one yet, though one chick did puke. But hey, as long as you face down, you'll be fine."
Palms sweating, I gave him a jerky nod.
Harnesses were passed out, along with helmets and carabineers. Oh, my gosh! Was I really going to do this?
Shaking, I let the crew fasten my harness and then they connected me to Dez. I was trembling so much that my lips were quivering.
I hated heights. I was terrified of them almost as much as water. Why the hell had I written this on my stupid list?
I closed my eyes, refusing to look over the edge.
"Look at me," Dez commanded.
I opened my eyes as he wrapped his arms around me.
"Austin wanted me to tell you something." Dez' eyes welled with tears. "He said that no matter what obstacle you face..." His voice shook. "No matter how afraid you are — you can still make the choice to fight. You can still make the choice to walk through the fire — he said to do it afraid."
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak as my throat was so thick with emotion it was hard to breathe.
"He said he's not giving up — and neither should you."
"I won't," I vowed. "I won't give up."
"That's my girl." Dez kissed my cheek.
Funny, how one guy had ended up being my soul mate, while the other ended up being my best friend in the whole world.
"One..." Dez whispered "Two..."
I clutched his body so tight I couldn't breathe.
"Three."
We fell over the side of the bridge, weightless. Completely weightless. I wasn't even sure I was screaming, my mouth was open and then the bungee bounced. It held us, and we fell again.
Then the funniest thing happen.
I started laughing.
Then crying.
Then laughing again.
I'd done it afraid.
I'd conquered my fear, and all because Austin believed in me enough to push me — just like I was going to push him. He didn't want me to go into that dark place — never again. And I wasn't going to let him either.
"Thank you," I whispered into Dez' ear as we were jerked back up by the crew.
Dez held my face between his hands. "What you two have — it's a once in a lifetime — you fight for him. Fight for him with every last breath. No regrets, okay?"
"Okay."
~~~~ (ू•-•ू⑅) ~~~~
I laughed when Dez handed over his phone to Austin.
So apparently I had screamed — it sounded horrific, and I had to laugh. Poor Dez, he was probably going to have ringing in his ears for days.
"Classic." Austin laughed and then started coughing, I went to touch his arm and he grinned. "Medicine makes me feel like shit, no worries, I'm fine."
"Dez, can you uh—"
"Cassidy just texted anyway. She's lost in the hospital, if I don't find her she's going to hit on one of the doctors and we really don't want to see the ramifications of that."
With a salute he left the room.
"I did it." I grinned.
Austin pulled me to his chest. I tucked my legs onto the hospital bed and laid my head against where his heart was beating. Funny, I could hear it, it sounded healthy, strong. I placed my hand there and started tapping.
"What are you doing?"
I lifted my head and gave Austin a weak smile. "Oh, just keeping our time."
His mouth found mine and then I was straddling him, throwing off my jacket to a heap on the floor. Austin reached around my neck and pulled me closer to him. He was weak from the medication, but everything about him felt so alive still, so warm.
"You're going to fight this," I said against his lips.
He sighed and kissed me hard. "I am fighting it."
"Listen to me." I pulled back and gripped his face with my hands. "No giving up. I won't give up on you, so don't you give up on you. Okay? This is not the end."
Austin cursed. "I need you to be prepared that if it—"
"Nope," I interrupted as I kissed his cheek. "I'm not even going there. You know why?"
"Why?"
"Someone brilliant once told me that when you tell yourself you can't do something, or even entertain the possibility, the body starts giving into defeat. It's weak like that. The mind tells you that you may not make it, so you start to sink—"
"Hmm, sounds familiar."
"I started sinking," I explained, rubbing his cheeks with my thumbs. "I sank because I told myself I was drowning."
"I'm not drowning."
"And you aren't sinking." I kissed his mouth. "You're floating, just like I floated. You just have to stay above water a little bit longer than most people, but I promise the end will be worth it."
"Is there skinny-dipping in the end?" Austin tilted his head.
I threw my head back and laughed. It felt good to joke with him. "Absolutely. Lots and lots of skinny-dipping."
"My favorite." His lips were warm against my neck. I arched my back slightly as he trailed kisses down the side of my jaw.
I collapsed onto him and kissed him as hard as I could. We fell asleep talking and kissing. Every time I woke up I kissed him again, and every time I fell asleep it was to him kissing my hair, my neck, telling me stories.
Later Cassidy and Dez came into the room, we decided that the best way to not dwell on the future was to occupy ourselves.
First we played BS, then we watched a few movies, and ate popcorn.
Cassidy fell asleep first, then Dez, and then me. The last thing I remembered before my eyes fanned closed was that the nurse was going to have a field day when she walked into our room.
Dez was stretched out in a chair, Cassidy was lying on the small bed for family, and I was sprawled out on top of Austin.
I fell asleep with a smile on my lips. Friends. Best friends. I had them, and I had Austin.
I tapped the rhythm of his heart with my fingers, allowing the cadence to put me into a deep sleep.
___________________________________________________________________________