“The single best thing about coming out of the closet is that nobody can insult you by telling you what you've just told them.”
― Rachel Maddow
Caden’s POV.
I don’t remember feeling this way about anyone before. I especially don’t remember losing my heart before. It’s what happens though. I’m not able to stop the inevitable. Something as simple as walking into a classroom and looking at someone changes my life forever. I know it the moment I look down and my eyes lock on his. Something about the way my stomach and heart react at the same time tells me I’ve just met someone special. The way he looks at me when I don’t move. His kissable lips curl into a look I can’t identify and his eyes stare blankly back at me. It’s then I remember dad told me about the new kid, Luca. That must be him.
I’m not sure how long I stand there just looking at him. It can’t be that long because no one says anything. Mr. Richards doesn’t even look at me really. He’s kind of an old grouch as dad puts it. He’s an alright guy, but I don’t think he really enjoys being a teacher. I turn my attention back to Luca. Dad told me about him, but goddamn it. He never told me he looks like a Greek God that could tempt the pope. I swallow a growing lump in my throat and inch a bit closer. His eyes leave mine almost like I don’t want them there, or at least that’s what he thinks.
Nothing could be further from the truth. In some ways I want him to look away, the part that wishes I were straight. But the other part, the part that always wanted someone to come along and make me react, that part wants him to look at me forever. I know I’m gay, I’ve jacked off thinking about guys, but the way I react to him is different. My body and mind react at the same time. Even my heart feels different, but I don’t want to think about why my heart reacts to him. I’ve never been in love before, but I know what people say about being in love and it can’t be that. We haven’t even spoken yet.
I don’t notice his scar until I’m sitting beside him. The shape and length makes me think it was done by someone who really hated him. I resist the urge to trace it and kiss it better. Every time he looks down I want to run my fingers over the scarred flesh or to kiss it and make him better. The redness around it does not go unnoticed either. He was burnt at some point in his life. It would take a lot of aggression to get a scar on someone to look like that. His face is almost covered by the scar.
Our conversation is led by me. He does not talk much, but when he does his voice is so soft and velvety. I’m not going to call it feminine because like his appearance it’s unique. They are soft, his voice and his appearance, but not feminine. It’s almost like he has created a softness of his own, one that is clearly male but is unlike anything I have ever heard or seen before. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t speak much or look up. It would be nice if he would just look up more. Even though I know that if he did, I would freak out and panic. I would worry that someone could see me looking at him like a love sick puppy. It doesn’t stop my heart from clenching tough.
I spend most of the day trying to coax him out of his shell. Sometimes he speaks quietly, other times he just nods or shakes his head. It drives me mad but at the same time my mind rejoices at the thought of having to win him over. It wants him to want me as much as I want and crave him. The fact he’s gay doesn’t make any difference, I might not be his type and I’m not even out. But my heart still aches in my chest when I consider not having him around. After only a few hours I imagine us as a couple, together and in love. It’s ridiculous after such a short period of time.
The more the day passes the more damage reveals itself. He’s nice to Ty and even speaks a couple of times. Jaxon ruins that though. He’s the biggest ass in the school and I notice the way he looks at Luca. It’s like he’s done something wrong by being there. He asks him to blow the football team. Even the thought of Luca being with any of the guys makes me see red. I’m already possessive over him. It’s not normal and yet I don’t want it to end. Maybe I’m lonely or maybe it’s the excitement of meeting someone who’s gay as well, but I don’t want this to be it.
He freaks out during English class. I don’t see it coming and to be honest I don’t think he does either. One minute he’s sitting there listening to the class talk about themselves and the next I’m chasing after him. He’s fast, I’ll give him that. I struggle to keep up with him when he really wants or needs to move. I do catch him though; I try my best to calm him, to make him feel better. He sounds like he’s drowning and I try to comfort him. I make a mistake though, a big one. Almost calling him sweetheart in the middle of the corridor is a massive mistake. I don’t want to out myself by calling him that. It would be horrible if someone finds out I’m gay.
You’ve got to be kidding me. The reason you’re not going to call him sweetheart is because you don’t want to frighten him off, not because you don’t want to out yourself. And that is the truth, after only a few hours I already feel like I must protect him, and I know I never want to see him hurt or in pain. It doesn’t make sense, but it’s how I feel. I like the idea of making him smile and that’s one promise I do want to keep. To make him smile a genuine smile around me would be amazing, better than amazing.
“So, you like Luca?” Ty asks me as I drive us home from school. He’s reclined back in the seat looking at me with an intense gaze.
“Yeah,” I reply calmly, trying to keep my voice even. “He’s a cool guy. A really cool guy, but I think he seems kind of lonely or something. He doesn’t exactly strike me as one with many friends.”
Realising how that sounds I quickly say. “I mean kids seem to pick on him a lot. Jaxon’s already on his back.”
“Yeah, sure that’s it,” he mutters. “I thought he was nice alright. I think it’s cool he’s already out.”
I wince, hating the fact he brought that up. No one knows I’m gay, not even Ty who is not only my cousin, but my best friend. Probably my only real friend if I’m honest. I should tell him I’m gay but I always procrastinate. It’s stupid and childish to say, but I don’t want him to see me differently. I want to be seen as Caden, the boy who people think has a volatile temper and isn’t afraid to defend himself and the people he cares about. Not some ‘fag’ who can’t fight back. It would be easier if stereotypes weren’t there, but they are just as active now as they have been for decades.
I compose myself enough to say. “Yeah, I guess it’s pretty cool.”
Ty looks at me, in shock. “I can’t believe it, I really… God, you think it’s wrong for him to be out. Hell, you probably think it’s wrong to be gay. Don’t you?”
“What the fuck, Ty? How could you even think, I mean God, I’m not homophobic,” I yell. “You know I’m not like that.”
He looks at me with a strange expression. It’s not a scolding one, but it has the same effect on me. “I know you think that, but in some ways you are. You’re so fucking blind it’s not even funny anymore. I really think you need to open your eyes.”
What the hell? “I don’t have a clue what you fucking mean, but I’m telling you now. I’m not a homophobe, you know that. Saying I am doesn’t make it true.”
“And saying you’re not doesn’t make it true either. Look,” he sighs audibly. “You know, you just don’t want to admit it. I can kind of get that, but if you think people don’t know… Just, figure it out though, and when you do come back to me.”
I glare at him annoyed, angry and scared. He talks like he knows about me. “Cop on, Caden. Just cop the fuck on.”
Ty doesn’t say anything after that. ‘Cop the fuck on,’ he says it like it’s easy to admit my feelings, like he knows my secret. I look at him and he’s watching the road. Ty’s normally quiet and placid when it comes to me. We don’t fight not real fights anyway. Sure we don’t always see eye to eye, but he knows I love him like a brother and I know he loves me like a brother. So why can’t I tell him about me? Why does this have to be the way things are? I don’t want it to come between us.
When I get home moms preparing dinner in the kitchen, she smiles at me as I stroll into the room. Dad’s sitting at the table reading. “Oh, Caden, I wanted to tell you, I met your new friend’s mother today.”
She smiles when I look at her confused. “Luca, the new boy your dad was telling me about. Maria, his mother, works at the hospital. She told me about him.”
Dad grins at me when turn to him. His grin is smug. “I told you he was a good kid. You saw that for yourself. I heard about the fight with Jaxon, you did good kiddo.”
Mom butts in. She loves talking about new people. Especially when we make friends with those new people, it’s something she does well too. “Anyway, I’m glad you’re making friends with that boy, it sounds like he needs someone.”
“He does. I like him though it’s not that I feel sorry for him. He’s a good guy, quiet, but good.” I don’t want to give too much away.
Mom turns to look at dad. “Charlie, how smart is Luca again? Maria mentioned something about it. I wasn’t paying enough attention.”
“He’s the smartest kid in the school. Smarter than all the teachers too, I’m not sure. I know he reached genius status before they moved here. His school in Texas didn’t meet his needs as well as it could have, but he did a test at one stage.”
Mom looks at dad in surprise. “Texas? I’m surprised they lived there at all if he’s out. Maria didn’t sound like a Texan.”
“Neither does Luca. I’m not sure where his mother’s from.”
“His mother’s Italian,” I tell them. “He said he doesn’t speak with an accent because of his voice. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but it was the genius said.”
Dads smile falters and he chugs back a large mug of coffee. “That Bailey boy won’t make things easy for him,” He says to me, then turns to mom. “Abi, did you say you invited them over for dinner Friday?”
Mom nods. “Yep, I thought it would be nice to get to know the new neighbours. Plus she wants to spend some time with her kids. The two older ones will be home by then.”
“They already are,” I tell her which brings another smile. I smile back but then I remember what dad just said. It also makes me think about Luca ‘falling’ through the door in school today. He fell about as much as I like opera.
“Did Jaxon push him through your door this morning? He said he fell, but I don’t know many people who ‘fall’ through a door.” I ask dad.
“I really doubt he fell, but that’s the story he told me too. I asked him about it and he defended Bailey. I’ll have to keep an eye on that boy.”
“I’ll keep an eye on Luca; make sure he doesn’t get hurt or anything.” Dad glowers at me I roll my eyes for what’s coming.
“Stay away from Jaxon Bailey. That boy is bad news. I don’t want you to provoke him. We know what happened the last time.”
“Yes we do. He pulled a knife on me, but he didn’t stab me,” I say. “It’s not like I can’t defend myself. You’re just overreacting.”
His face grows cold and angry, his voice rises a few octaves. “I’m sorry; I don’t mean to embarrass you. Should I just let my only son get stabbed in future instead of overreacting? Would that be a better idea?”
I kick myself for saying anything. “Dad… I know I do get why you reacted the way you did. I just don’t want people treating me like a baby. I can take care of myself.” I tell him soundly. “I’m not going to fall into his trap again.”
“I know Caden, but it’s my job to worry. I’m your dad after all and I wouldn’t be a very good one if I said I didn’t care about the fighting.”
“Trust me; I know how you both feel about it. But that’s me.”
Mom walks over to me and she looks at me evenly. “I love you son, we both do and we always have. Nothing could stop us from loving you. We just don’t understand why you fight with people so much.” She sighs. “There are a lot of secrets, some of which I wonder about. I know you don’t want to tell us yet and that’s fine. But try and find something or someone who helps you feel better about yourself. Do something that makes you less angry and more approachable. Okay?”
I nod because I don’t know what else I can do. She talks to me as if she knows I’m gay. But she can’t. No one knows I’m gay because I’m not out, I don’t look at boys. So how is it she knows something? I know mothers are supposed to have intuition, but normally there’s a sign. I never give off a sign. I do my best to stay away from people figuring out who I like. Not that it’s been a problem. No one catches my eye. Well, no one that I know anyway. So how does she know?
Dad walks behind mom and kisses her neck. I’m used to watching them together and even though most people would hate it, it’s never been an issue for me. Dad winks at me and he and mom leave the kitchen. I can hear them laughing as they make their way up the stairs. So in love after twenty something years together, that’s really an amazing thing. Especially considering how many people get divorced.
I lie awake in bed all night. Questioning how I can move forward with my life. Luca has changed something. I can’t stop thinking about him and it’s only been a day. The haunted look in his eyes makes me shiver. I close my eyes and I can see the fear glowing in them, like a man who’s about to be murdered or attacked. I don’t understand how anyone could put them there. His beauty makes me question everything I thought I liked about guys. The rough side has always been the appeal. Luca, though, is different. He’s the type of guy who needs saving. Or does he? Is he stronger than I am?
Luca’s not in school the next day. I wait for him outside and he doesn’t show. Surprisingly, I don’t feel stupid just standing there obviously looking for someone. I don’t normally do it, but I find for Luca I don’t care looking like I’ve been stood up. Mr. Lennox walks past me and smiles. The principal knows my dad well and he seems like a cool enough guy. You could call him stuffy because he never really laughs. Sure he smiles and all, but I have never heard him laugh. Dad claims the man has a lot on his mind, but I don’t really see the pressure or sadness like I do with Luca.
Ty walks up to me and holds up his hands. “Are we cool or ya gonna go all ape on me again?”
“I guess we’re cool, just don’t call me a homophobe again. You know I’m not, so we can drop it now.” I warn him.
Ty looks at me and smiles. “Trust me Caden, one day you’ll see what I was talking about. But I won’t say anything. Okay?”
We walk into the classroom and Ms. Tayler comes over to us. “Morning boys, Luca’s mother called and he’s sick. So he won’t be coming in today.” Disappointment spreads through me but I brush it off with a smile. “Thanks for telling us miss.”
Jaxon, whose sitting in the front smiles at us. “Guess that means the little fag won’t be here today.”
“Shut the fuck up, Jaxon,” I say venomously.
He saunters over to me with a cocky smile. I’ve always hated the way he smiles at people, especially the way he smiles at me, like he’s God’s fucking gift. “Why? Afraid he might want to suck my cock instead of yours?”
“The fuck did you say?”
He just laughs and leans in closer to me. I see Ty rushing out, probably to get my dad. Ms. Tayler stands there and tries to defuse the situation, but he’s already gone too far. “Enough boys come on now.”
“Sorry miss, I was just telling Caden the fag won’t be here for much longer. Unless he pays me for it, like by sucking me off or maybe sucking the football team off.”
His words make me snap, I lung for him. Pinning him to the ground and punching him in the face with my blood boiling. He replaces the sneer with a smug look as I pound his face into the floor. I hear voices behind me, but I can’t stop. Images of Luca being hurt flash through my mind and makes my blood boil. Firm hands grasp my shoulders and I’m hauled off a now bleeding Jaxon. Mr. Lennox, the principal, helps Jaxon off the floor, but he doesn’t look happy with him.
“Caden, you’re only getting suspended for the rest of today. Go home and freshen up. Relax, just don’t do anything bad. Okay?” Dad pats my back and Ty pulls me out of the classroom.
“Dude, you have to keep a better head. You don’t want anything bad to happen to you, do you?” I shake my head and Ty sighs something I can’t make out.
Ty takes my keys out of my pocket and starts the engine. I stare ahead. Noticing the houses we drive past and feeling the stuffiness of the car. Ty makes a small noise at one point and I do my best to ignore him. He pulls up outside the house and I leave him in the car. Not bothering to wait I run up the stairs and throw myself onto the bed. The comforter is cool to the touch, but it feels good against my skin. Ty moves around downstairs, making a lot of noise as he does so. I lie there with my eyes open until the door slams. Finally alone, I close my eyes and nod off. What the fuck is happening to you? You’ve never lost your temper like that before.
I wake up a couple of hours later feeling tired. This day is not turning out the way I had planned; I don’t know what’s happening to me. I don’t get that angry about anything. I fight sometimes. Even getting physical with Jaxon isn’t unusual. But I’ve never lost it like I did today. I know I completely lost my temper and almost put Jaxon in the hospital and all because he threatened Luca. He made a viscous threat against Luca and I wanted to kill him for it. My reaction to bullies has never been as strong as it was today. I’m the one who fights because he feels like it, and sometimes because he’s driven to it. Not because his crush was threatened. Why do I feel so strongly about him?
My head falls back against the headboard. From my bed I can see out my window. Across the road I can see a slim silhouette in the bedroom facing mine. Long, silky black hair and olive skin catches my attention. His beautiful face comes into my line of sight. The way he moves is so graceful and elegant I want to watch more. It takes my eyes time to adjust to the distance, but when they do I see it. Tears. Luca’s crying, sobbing even, and he looks like he’s got something in his hand. My eyes strain to see what he’s holding, but to no avail. He looks afraid and alone, maybe even terrified. Instinctively my arms reach out and I imagine myself hugging and comforting him. Giving him the love and support he needs. Shocked, I look back at him trying to concentrate on Luca.
I notice he doesn’t seem to take his sweatshirt off around the house. I know most people don’t wear heavy layers in their houses during the warmer months. Normally we only wear sweatshirts indoors during December and early January. It’s September now. Why doesn’t he? Does he think he’s ugly? Nah, he’s way too beautiful and too Luca for anyone to think he’s less that amazing and just drop dead gorgeous. No way could he not see that in some way. But why does he dress like that then? He’s not Goth or Emo, they aren’t like Luca. He has real issues.
Suddenly, I’m harder than I ever remember being. My errection is pooling in my jeans, making me feel very uncomfortable. Luca doesn’t have to do anything erotic because to me he looks erotic. Everything about him makes me ache inside. His long hair, his powerful eyes, his olive tone skin, his lips, his mouth, absolutely everything I find attractive on him. It’s all attractive to me. I don’t have to do much because the next thing I know Luca is brushing long black hair out of his eyes and I’ve cum. The image of my hands in his hair brings me to the edge and then I’ve cum.
“Jesus fucking Christ!”
“Oh my fucking God.” I whisper, my breathing frantic. I’ve never cum so hard in my life. Not from porn, not from jacking myself off and definitely not from something as simple as looking at someone. But apparently it can be done. Who knew?
I fall back on my bed. Panting and pulling my clothes off uncomfortably. With my eyes close I can see myself kissing Luca’s soft lips. I can see myself licking along his body and moving my hands around his waist and pumping his cock. My dreams are so erotic I can’t remember having wet dreams like them. It might be because I can see a face; it’s not just some nameless stranger. It’s Luca. The boy of my dreams who has done nothing wrong but be himself and gets bullied for it.
My phone buzzes and I pick it up. U ok dude? Ur dad asked me to check on you but I don’t have a car. The message is from Ty. Of course he must have had to walk back to school earlier because I don’t remember hearing the engine when he left. I feel bad for what I’ve done, especially leaving Ty without a car. I’m fine dude, just really tired. Want me 2 pick u up after school? The reply takes no time to come through and in a way I’m relieved. No. Look after yourself.
I throw my phone back on the locker and walk into the bathroom. My face is flushed and red, my eyes are dreamy looking. Like I’m not really here. “You are so screwed,” I tell myself. “So fucking screwed and confused.” My reflection looks the same, but my head is telling me how much things have changed. I didn’t just jerk off thinking about a guy; I did it to a guy who has a name and a person I will see every day. It’s not going to be simple anymore. I won’t be able to look at him without the image of his beautiful body and face.
“What the hell am I going to do?” No one answers. I’m talking to myself and even I don’t know the answer to that.
I roll my head back and my eyes land on the shower. I shuck my clothes off and turn on the water. My hair gets wet first and soon my entire body is slick with water. Every muscle is glistening with water. With my eyes closed I imagine Luca in the shower with me. His olive skin against mine, his long hair in my hands and our lips meshed together. The thought alone makes me cum again. I lean against the shower wall and moan. Luca’s name tastes sweeter on my lips than I would like it to.
Mom comes home early from work. She calls my name when she walks in and I hear her moving around down stairs. I take a breath and fight the urge to tell her I don’t feel well. I make my way down stairs and she’s already sitting on the sofa waiting for me. Her eyes rake over me before she says anything. “Your dad called me. I had my phone off, but they let me out early. Have you something to tell me?”
Have you? “Nah mom, I’m just tried. I already feel a lot better.”
She pats the space beside her. “Come sit down and talk to me for a minute.” Her eyes ask me to argue with her.
I slowly walk closer and she pulls me down beside her, almost on top of her. “I want to ask you something without you getting mad. Okay?”
Mom doesn’t wait for me to answer. Instead she proceeds to ask me what I expect her to. “Does Luca being gay bother you?”
I tense under her questioning stare. “No! No! No! It doesn’t bother me at all. Why does everyone keep asking me that?”
“Sweetheart, it’s just not a lot of boys-“ I cut her off. “Mom I have no problem with anyone being gay, especially not Luca. It’s not an issue for me.” It sounds as if I’m angry and in a way I am, but I’m more afraid than anything. What if Luca thinks the same?
“I’m glad you don’t but I want you to talk to me about your behaviour today.”
I look at her and she squeezes my hand gently. “I just lost it. He was being an ass and made me really mad. I don’t know why I lost it the way I did. If I figure it out I’ll tell you, I promise you that.”
“Okay sweetheart, I can let it go for now. Do you have any issue with Luca and his family coming over Friday?”
I shake my head frantically. Mom laughs and hugs me. I love when she hugs me like that, it makes me feel like I’m a little boy again. Back when I was smaller and always wanted to follow my dad around. Mom would walk up and hug me tightly, calling me a mini-dad. I sink into her arms and she starts to laugh harder. Mom has a thing for laughing and she can never stop on her own. No matter what she’s laughing at.
“Why don’t you invite Luca around Saturday? You can get to know each other a bit better, it might do you some good.”
Yes! Yes! Yes! Causally I answer, trying to keep the excitement out of my voice. “That would be great! I mean super. Eh, I mean great, yeah. It would be super great!”
She chuckles happily and I jump off the sofa to clean my messy bedroom. “I’m glad you’re happy, can you ask him tomorrow? So we’ll know.”
“Sure, no problem with that, I think he’s the type of guy that would need time anyway. I can’t wait to ask him. Thank you!”
“That’s good,” she says happily. “I think he’ll be good for you sweetheart. Your dad thinks so too.”
I kiss mom’s cheek and smile, thanking her I race upstairs happily. My bedroom’s a pigsty. I never clean it and the last time anyone got to clean it was when I was thirteen, so that should tell you how bad I am for keeping my room any way decent. I start off with my bed and by the time dad’s home I manage to have the room almost spotless. I still have to clean under my bed, which is not a pleasant thought at all. It is dusty and has old clothes and possibly some food under there. It’s not on top of my to-do list.
“You okay Luca?” I ask as Luca walks up to the school. I don’t walk any closer to him, hoping it will make him more comfortable around me.
“Fine, thanks.” He whispers and I instantly have to adjust myself.
“That’s good, dad told me you weren’t feeling well yesterday. I hope you feel better today.” I tell him. “Do you want to come over to my house Saturday. We could have fun.”
He looks startled and I kick myself mentally for not going slower with everything. I just want him to like me. It’s never been an issue before, people like me enough that they don’t have to think about things like he does. But all of that is why I like him. He’s not as easy to read as other people are. I find myself wanting to get to know him and to lean everything that makes him tick. Luca looks at me again and the sadness in his eyes makes me want to wrap him in my arms and tell him everything is going to be okay. He has to be okay, because people like him don’t deserve to be in pain.
“Could I bring something with me?” He finally asks. My face breaks into a huge grin and I feel like hugging him again. “Sure, you can bring anything you want. I could walk over and collect you if it would be easier.”
“I’d like to come.” I feel like he’s just confessed he loves me or something. My reaction brings a sort of smile to his face before it crumples again. His eyes express more than sadness, they express hate and disgust. My heart breaks for him and I don’t know why he’s got such a big grip on it so soon.
“I can teach you about cars if you like? I love fixing cars.” I’ll do anything to wipe that look out of his eyes and off his face. Anything, even if I have to run around naked in the school and show off my birthday suit to every person in this building. My hands start to twitch because I want to pull him closer to me. When people stare at him I fight the urge to punch their ugly faces in. You’re going to freak him out if you keep talking or thinking like that. Make him feel special!
“I don’t mind, it might be kind of nice. My brother likes cars, but he doesn’t do that sort of stuff.”
I grin at him. “Yeah, not a lot of people actually get into them like I do.” I tell him. “Some guys just like to look at them, others like to drive them.”
His eyes meet mine. “What do you like about them? What’s your dream Caden?”
I feel the blush rising in my cheeks. My mouth opens and closes. His eyes never leave mine; it’s the longest he initiated a look before. “My dreams to run my own auto shop. I want to build and renovate cars.” He stops and to look at me questioningly. “So why don’t you? What’s to stop you from fixing cars when you’re older?”
“I’m not smart enough to do it. Honestly, I know I’d fail before I could even start up the business, so why bother?”
He looks thoughtful for a while before he says something that changes my opinion of him. “I think you’re too hard on yourself. You’re a good guy Caden. I think you could do a great job, you just need to have faith in yourself.”
His belief in me warms the cockles of my heart. “Thank you, it’s mean a lot coming from you.”
“Caden, you’re an awesome, nice guy. I think one day you’ll make someone really happy. You just need confidence and trust me when I say, you are smart. A lot smarter than most people are. Just believe that.”
I smile at him. “I’m glad you think so.” He thinks you’re smart. Wohoo!
Ms. Tayler waves us in at the door. Luca doesn’t look up and she frowns slightly. I smile at her and she mouths ‘watch out for him’ at me. I will do better than that I swear to myself. I am determined to keep him safe no matter what cost comes to me is. He is going to need someone to look out for him and I’m just the man for the job. Even if he isn’t sure how he feels about me or if he doesn’t like me. I still feel deeply for him, enough to not give a rat’s ass what he thinks of me.
We have a good day. Or I think we do anyway. Luca talks a small bit more at first, but after lunch he withdraws himself again. I end up talking for most of the day after. He looks up sometimes and smiles slightly. Not a real smile and of course that pisses me off. The only shadow of a real smile I see is that morning. Nothing after or before. Maybe I need to up my game to earn that smile? Somehow I doubt that my efforts alone will work because Luca doesn’t know me well enough.
Friday is the day Luca’s family are coming over. I’m grinning like an idiot on my way to pick up Ty. He wants me to pick him up today because his parents are staying in bed to have some ‘alone time’. The words make me laugh and the way he says it makes me laugh harder. Ty makes faces through the phone and I know he hears me laughing. I can hear his voice rise and even when I pull up and open the car door he looks pissed. More than in fact because he slams the door and punches me in the arm and slaps the back of my head.
“Bastard. Do you know what it’s like to hear your parents say that to you?” He asks and makes gagging noises. I laugh again and hold my stomach, trying not to make my eyes water any more than they have.
“You do realise we’re talking about my parents? They make out most of the time and I’ve seen a lot worse than you, trust me on that.”
Ty scowls. “I know what they’re like. But… It’s different for you. You don’t care that your parents have a sex life.”
That sets me off again and I find myself pulling over the car because I can’t drive properly. Ty doesn’t even want me to go where I’m going. “You know, one day your kids will say that to you and I’ll laugh my ass off again.”
“You’re a mean sob you know that.” He says with a pout that makes me laugh harder. His eyes widen and he starts blabbering on about me being a bastard and a cunt.
“You really called my mom a bitch? Really dude? You would say that to her face too.” He shakes his head venomously.
“Don’t you even think about telling her I said that. I swear to God Caden, I will butcher you in your sleep if you even think about telling her I said that.”
“Would I do that to you, darling cousin?” Loving every minute of his facial features I start the car again. It’s safer to keep driving and hope he doesn’t make me crash than to be late and leave Luca in school without protection.
“Fuck you too. I think you need to start being a better cousin to me.” Ty moans. I pull up at the school and see Luca’s brother’s car. Instead of waiting to speak to Ty again I rush out of the car and walk over to Luca’s brothers. Luca shows no sign of getting out so I tap on the window lightly; it rolls down and exposes Luca and his older brother.
“Hey Luca, you want to walk in with me?” I ask.
He nods to me and his brother leans over and whispers something to him. Luca nods again and I feel the frown on my face. I guess we’re back to not talking again and that kills me. I love hearing Luca’s soft voice. He gets out of the car with a frown and I see the dark circles under his eyes. He looks exhausted. I want to ask him if he’s okay, but I don’t get a talkative vive off him, so I decide to stay quiet. His brother nods at me and looks over his sunglasses before driving off.
“So that’s Dante, you look like him,” I say. He looks at me and shrugs looking down at the ground. “I guess it’s cool to have an older brother. I always wanted one but mom and dad only had me and Ty’s younger so…” Again he looks up slightly but says nothing and doesn’t show any sign of talking. Someone shouts loudly in the building and Luca jumps out of his skin beside me. I grab his arms so he doesn’t fall and bang his head against the concrete pavement under us.
“Calm down, it was just some freshman getting over excited, everything’s okay.” I soothe. He shakes under my palms and I release his arms gently. “You’re fine Luca, everything’s okay.”
I clench my fits by my sides afraid I’ll reach out and cup his face. He won’t appreciate that. “Sorry, Caden,” he mutters and walks off. I follow easily his long legs don’t make him walk any faster.
“Don’t be sorry. If things like that scare you I’ll do my best to make sure they happen less. I can’t promise anything, but we’re friends now, right?”
He looks at me for a long agonising minute. I don’t like when he looks at me like that. “You shouldn’t be my friend, but I have a feeling I won’t be shaking you off anytime soon.”
“Ya know you could try and be a little bit nicer to me.” I say childishly. He looks at me in disgust.
Although it’s not exactly what I want, he’s finally realising that I won’t leave him and I want to be there. “You’re right there, I won’t be going anywhere. I don’t agree with you at all, I should be your friend. I want to be your friend and you can’t stop me.” I tell him proudly. “Nothing you say or do will change my opinion of you. So we better get going or we won’t make it to homeroom on time.”
“You’re one of the strangest people I’ve ever met.” He mutters, thinking I won’t hear. Lucky for me I have good hearing.
“I hope that’s in a good way because I think you should like me a lot.” I tell him and he looks up in surprise. “I’m an awesome guy, you said so yourself.”
Luca stays by my side on our way in. His body feels tense the whole time. Even when Ty walks with us again, and after a long argument, he still seems tense. I know he hasn’t heard about what Jaxon said, but I want to know why he’s so worried. Kyle, Jaxon’s youngest brother spots us on our way into homeroom. It takes everything I have not to beat the crap out of him. The way he looks at Luca makes me sick to my stomach. They’re the disgusting ones, not Luca. Luca’s perfect.
“Luca, can I speak to you for a minute, please?” Ms. Tayler asks as we sit at our desks. Luca walks up to her and she starts to whisper quietly. I notice she’s smiling so it can’t be bad news. But nothing changes in Luca’s facial expressions. He stands there looking like nothing is happening, well that’s not exactly true, but it’s the easiest way to describe it. His head is bowed like he’s trying to hide away. His shoulders are slumping forward like he has a bad back. Ms. Tayler keeps smiling at him and when he nods his head we all hear a loud squeak of excitement from her.
“That’s wonderful news!” Ty and I jump when she screams.
He murmurs something back to her. “Thank you, Luca. I’ll talk to your mother later,” she screams again. “Go on back to your friends now, I just wanted to say I appreciate this. Thank you.”
He trudges back to us and throws himself into the chair. I lean forward and smile into his face. Luca’s eyes are as close to dead as I have ever seen them. Ms. Tayler seems so excited and he just looks like the world is ending. I don’t understand his sadness. He looks like he has so much in the way of family and yet he seems so scared and alone. That’s the hardest part. He looks alone. Even when he’s standing beside people, if you block them all out you would never know they were there. Yet he talks to Ty, he looks at us and he doesn’t walk away. So he obviously wants to be around people.
“You okay Luca? Want to go for a walk? I can tell Ms. Tayler.”
He shakes his head. “I’m fine, thanks though.”
Ty jumps off the chair and crouches down beside Luca. “Want me to jump on Caden’s lap? I can make him mad in a matter of seconds.” He looks at me with an evil smile. I groan, hoping and praying Luca says no.
“Come on, it would be fun to see him go all grumpy.”
“Sure, I’d like to see that,” Luca replies.
“You’re the best, Luca.” Ty straightens and I move forward in the chair. He doesn’t stop though. Pinning my hands on my thighs he sits on my hands. I struggle under him. His bony ass digs into my hands, I feel him wriggle around on top of them. The chuckle that escapes his mouth makes Luca look up again. Something lighter flickers there and then it’s gone again. I want to see that flicker back.
“Come on, Caden. Get mad, get really mad and grizzly,” Ty taunts with another chuckle.
“Yeah Caden, come on.” Luca whispers and I push Ty off my lap. He falls and almost hits head on Luca’s desk. Ms. Tayler looks up and mutters “children” before scolding Ty for messing around. Relief floods me as my hard on got even worse when Luca whispered like that. I want to hear him say words like that to me in a different situation and I don’t know what to do about those feelings.
Luca goes missing during lunch. He gets up from the table and says he’ll be back in a few minutes, but never does. I tell Ty I’ll look for him and he nods. Some girl whose name I forget walks over to the table and starts flirting with him. It makes me laugh because she’s one of his no-go girls. The biggest sluts in the school who will sleep with anything that has something to stick up, I find the irony in that though. Ty isn’t exactly the angel he claims to be either.
“Speak you fucking fag!” I hear Jaxon’s voice shouting.
“Come on Luca. You’ve already admitted you’re gay. So why don’t you just suck me off and we’ll call it a day?”
I hear a loud clatter come out of the boy’s room and I push through the doors to see Jaxon and Harry, his brother, standing over him. Both of them are kicking him. They don’t hear me come in; both are too into beating on him. Luca looks up at me and the fear in his eyes enrages me. Jaxon delivers a kick to his leg and Luca shouts out in pain. The sound of his cries of pain echo through the room and fills me with rage. I reach forward and grasp Jaxon’s shoulders.
I shove him against the wall and he bangs against it. His eyes widen in surprise before I deliver a hard blow to his face. Harry continues kicking Luca. But I’m too caught up with Jaxon to do anything to help him. He smiles at me again, and leers at Luca on the floor whimpering. The way he laughs makes me madder; I stalk forward pinning him with my glare. I punch the wall behind him.
“Shut the fuck up, Bailey,” I say. “Never touch him again; if you do I’ll fucking kill you. You hear me?”
“Afraid the little faggot will like it too much?” He taunts. I shove him against the wall and kick him in the stomach. He shoves me back and I almost fall into the sink.
“I said, shut the fuck up Bailey.”
He lunges for me and I grab him in a choke hold. Kneeing him in the back to knock him down and slamming his face into the floor. The crunch his teeth make as they make contact with the cold tiles sends a shiver down my spine. The door opens and dad and Mr. Lennox walk in. They look at Jaxon and me and then over to Luca who’s trying to block Harry’s foot from his face. I stand, bringing Jaxon with me and throw him to them. Harry doesn’t fight when I do the same to him.
“Look at what Caden did to me.” Jaxon says to dad. Mr. Lennox silences him with a cool hard glare. He leads them out of the room.
“Come on boys, we have to have a little chat.” He turns to look at Luca. “If you need anything son, just let me know. And if they bother you again come to one of us and we’ll sort them out.”
Dad nods to where Luca is and I mouth “I’ll take care of him,” he leaves the room looking worried.
Luca’s cowering on the floor. His face is bleeding and his hair is wet from sweat. I crouch down beside him and wait. I know he senses me because his body stops shaking as violently. That gives me some sort of hope that he trusts me enough to speak to me or at least to let me help him. He looks up at me through tear filled eyes. My heart palpitates at the sight of his face cut up and bleeding. A large gash is bleeding pretty heavily from his forehead. I reach out to remove the blood from his lower lip, but pull back when I see his eyes widen.
“You okay? I can get dad to call someone to take you home. Or I could take you home myself. My parents won’t mind.”
He shakes his head and runs his tongue along his lips. “I’m okay, no need to worry them more than they will be.”
He needs help. Give him help! I stretch my hand out and he clasps it. He stands slowly with my help, clutching his stomach the whole time. I stand still when he moves to the sink and looks in the mirror. His face isn’t horrible looking, but you can see where his skin is broken and he has signs of a black eye. His face darkens. Those eyes turn cold, like he’s trying to mask the pain. I see his face twist in disgust like he doesn’t even realise I’m here anymore. It’s like he doesn’t care if I am.
He cleans his face roughly. The tissue paper breaks as he scrubs his face clean of the blood. The way he scrubs it makes the cuts look almost worse. I wince at the thought of how painful it must be. The roughness of every cleaning motion eventually dies down and he wipes the water off his face with dry tissue paper. It looks very sore now, but not even from the cuts from the roughness of his actions.
“Luca, you sure you’re okay?” I ask him sceptically. I don’t want to push him more today. He’ll ask for help if and when he needs it… I hope.
“I really think you should let me take you home,” I say again.
“I’m fine. Just leave me alone. I need to be by myself for a while, and that means you need to stay here. I’ll see you tonight.” He turns and walks out of the room. Once again I'm alone and kicking myself.