Time became an enemy after my visit with Dannon in the hospital. It past slowly, excruciatingly so. There seemed to be too much of it on my hands, the days moving by too slow. Every moment felt like a year. And, as time went on, the depression seemed to consume me. I felt lost. Lost and alone. Everyone was being so mice, so comforting, but it just wasn’t enough. I needed Dannon.
I breathed deeply, opening my eyes to the clear blue sky. My hands fell to my sides, curling into the grass. It had become a habit of mine: coming to the park and lying in the grass beneath the tree that I was certain was Dannon’s and mine. Even though the memories hurt, I always took comfort in coming here. I felt . . . connected with him somehow. Odd, I know. You’d think I’d feel connected to him in the hospital holding his hand. But it was here where he seemed alive.
“Brianne.”
I looked up, sighing as I saw Kyla standing above me. She shoved her hands into her pockets and stared down at me with sympathetic eyes. I’d become accustomed to people looking at me this way. Everyone at school knew that I wasn’t taking Dannon’s state well. I mean, I didn’t really try hard to hide it. They’d have to be idiots not to know.
“Hey, Kyla,” I murmured, sitting up. I twisted around so that I leaned against the tree, letting my hair fall carelessly in front of my face. I didn’t bother to fix it. What was the point?
I watched through a shield of hair as my friend dropped beside me, settling onto the grass. “I’m not going to insult you by asking how you are,” she said softly. “We both know you feel like shit.”
Usually I would have smiled at her dry humor, but now I couldn’t even bring my lips to twitch. I hadn’t smiled in almost a month now—ever since Dannon’s birthday. Instead I barely shot her a glance before nodding. “I appreciate that.”
Kyla brought an arm around my shoulder, pulling me closer to her. I didn’t push her away. I let my head fall, closing my eyes. It occurred to me that in movies the friends usually gave up on you after a while. They were ready to move on, so you should have been too. But no one had given up on me yet. They all strived to achieve one goal: make the depressed girl happy again.
“You know, it may help to be around people.” Kyla bit her lip, waiting for my reaction. I wondered which reaction she was expecting. Anger? Maybe. She was apprehensive, after all. Maybe she thought I was going to blow up on her. I didn’t really understand why. I wasn’t all that capable of any emotion, really, unless it was despair.
I stared blankly across the park, barely taking in what she said. I blinked, and my one-blurry surroundings became clear again. An elderly couple was walking by with their hands interlaced together. They smiled adoringly at each other. I couldn’t help but wonder, how long had they been together? Fifty years, maybe? Sixty? I bit my lip, trying to picture Dannon and I that old, still holding hands with loving expressions.
I couldn’t do it.
“Why is it so hard?” I whispered. I glanced at Kyla with a teary expression. “Why is love so damn hard?”
“Love isn’t hard,” Kyla said with a shake of the head. “It’s the effects of love that can be difficult.”
I closed my eyes, moving my head from her shoulder and onto the bark of the tree. “I try to smile,” I said softly. “I try to act normal. But I can’t. Everything reminds me of him, everything. And I can’t help it. I can’t sleep because I only have nightmares. And part of me wonders if it would be better if I was the one in the coma. So much more peaceful.”
“He’s holding on, Bri.” Kyla smiled reassuringly. It didn’t reassure me, though. It should have, but it didn’t. “There’s still a chance.”
“I wish I could believe that.” I sighed. “I’ve tried to believe that. But. . . . “
Kyla pursed her lips, her eyes shooting up to the sky. “I’m not the most religious of people, we both know that,” she told me. “But I have a feeling that if there is a God, He will save Dannon. Dannon is too good.”
Too good. That’s exactly what Dannon was. He was too good to die. It pained me to think that if shitty things like this could happen to someone like Dannon, what did it mean for the rest of us? We were screwed, that’s exactly what it meant. We were worse off than screwed.
“God’s deserted us.”
| It ♥ All ♥ Started ♥ With ♥ An ♥ Apple |
I let the front door fall shut behind me, sighing deeply. Sighing had become a bad habit of mine. My mom said it was a sign of depression, but who really needed the signs? It was pretty damn obvious I was depressed. I didn’t need signs or some damn doctor to tell me that.
“Brianne, how was your visit with Dannon?” my mom asked, appearing from the kitchen. I eyed the spatula in her hand distastefully. She still insisted on cooking despite everyone’s pleas for her to stop. Even my dad asked her to let him handle the cooking from now on. But no. She still cooked. Stubborn mother of mine.
I shrugged, collapsing onto the couch and closing my eyes. What was I supposed to tell her? That my visit had been fine? That would be a lie. No visit with Dannon was ever fine. I bawled my eyes out every time, begging for him to open his eyes, to look at me. But if Dannon could hear me, he didn’t act like he did. And how could he? He couldn’t move anything.
“We’re going to Aunt Jill’s this weekend,” she continued. “Don’t worry, Maria’s been told to be on her best behavior. She shouldn’t be any trouble. Jill knows everything, Bri, so don’t worry about telling her anything. I told her to tell Britain.”
I nodded, letting out a long sigh of relief. At least now I wouldn’t have to tell Britain why I was so depressed. Hopefully Vincent wouldn’t question it—or any of the others for that matter. I wouldn’t be able to answer them. You couldn’t just tell little kids that someone you cared about was in a coma. They wouldn’t understand. You would have to explain it further. And I wouldn’t be able to bring myself to do that.
“Okay,” I said, massaging my temples with my fingers. “Where’s Garrett?”
“Right here.” I felt someone plop down beside me. I forced my eyes open and they met Garrett’s. He smiled at me. I tried to smile back, but failed. “What can I do for you, little sis?”
“Do you want to watch a movie?” I asked, leaning into his side. Garrett pulled me close, allowing me to snuggle into his shoulder. Out of everyone, Garrett had been the most comforting and the one that I was semi-normal around. It made me appreciate my brother so much more. That he would take the time to make me feel at least slightly better.
“Hm, what movie?” he asked, plucking the remote from the cushion next to him and turning on the TV.
I shrugged. “Something with a lot of blood and guts would be nice.”
That was our system. No comedies or chick flicks would be welcome. At first Garrett had tried to watch Disney movies, but they only reminded me of when Dannon and I watched Beauty and the Beast in the hospital before he’d fallen into a coma. At least when I was scared I wasn’t really able to think about anything else.
And, as a way to prove my point, an hour later I was screaming, and hiding my eyes into Garrett’s shirt. Garrett shook his head at me and laughed. Apparently I was amusing. “You’re such a girl.”
“Shut up,” I whispered, peaking out at the screen. “Is the creepy guy gone?”
“Yep.”
I looked up fully and shrieked, ducking back under cover. Stupid Garrett with his stupid tricks! “That was mean,” I hissed, glaring at him.
“Sorry.” Garrett chuckled. “Okay, he’s really gone now.”
I looked up and froze. “Holy shit,” I whispered.
The character on the screen looked exactly like Dannon. I struggled to breathe, closing my eyes. Besides the fact that his eyes were hazel instead of that beautiful blue, they could have been twins.
Garrett cursed under his breath and shut the TV off immediately. “Sorry,” he apologized, wrapping his arms tightly around me and rocking us slowly back and forth.
Tears I didn’t even know I was shedding streamed down my cheeks. I clung to Garrett, shaking my head vigorously. “It’s not your fault.”
“I should have remembered that actor was in there! I’ve seen the movie. Gosh I’m so stupid.”
I pulled away, placing my hands on Garrett’s cheeks. He looked so pissed at himself. I bit my lip, hard, trying to force myself to stop crying. You’d think I’d be a professional at that by now. Nope. I was just a professional crier.
“Stop it,” I ordered. “It’s not your fault, got it?”
Garrett nodded, not looking at all convinced. “Okay.”
“Got it?”
“Got it.”
I pulled away, sighing. “Good. Now, let’s find a better movie. This one sucks ass.”
| It ♥ All ♥ Started ♥ With ♥ An ♥ Apple |
“Here they are!”
I internally groaned as Aunt Jill crashed into me, wrapping her arms around me. Why she had to hug me first, I didn’t know. Maybe it was out of pity. She didn’t hug me for long, though (which I was thankful for), because she had to hug the rest of the family, too. She paused to listen to my mom’s stomach creepily, however, talking to it like the baby could hear her.
Yep, I stopped calling it sea monkey. It just didn’t seem funny anymore.
“Hey, Jill,” my mom greeted, smiling.
I moved away from my family members, dragging my feet toward the house. I hoped that Vincent wouldn’t come outside. I didn’t have the strength to pretend to be happy and hug him back enthusiastically.
This visit was going to suck. I could just tell.
I pried open the door, stepping inside. The house was freakishly quiet for a place that held twelve children. I could hear Lexi and Hartin arguing from upstairs about some stupid science thing. As I stepped into the living room I saw six or seven cousins playing with toys. Britain was nowhere in sight. He was the cousin I wanted to see right now. He was the only one who knew what I was going through.
“Brianne,” someone called.
I turned, giving a small wave when I saw Britain coming toward me. I didn’t even attempt to smile. It would only disappoint me when I couldn’t. “Hey, Britain,” I said softly, moving toward him.
“I’m so sorry,” Britain comforted, hugging me tightly. “Mom told me.”
I pulled away, shrugging. “There’s nothing to do about it,” I muttered.
“Oh, hey, Brianne,” came a snotty voice.
I scowled at the doorway, spotting Maria as she leaned against the frame. Didn’t my mom promise that she’d be on her best behavior? I so did not want to deal with this right now. “What do you want, Maria?” I asked stiffly, crossing my arms over my chest.
“I was just making conversation, jeez.” Maria huffed, moving into the room. She glanced around slowly. I watched her, suspicious. “Hey, where’s the boyfriend?” She smirked at me. “He’s not dead, is he?”
I felt like I’d been shot. My eyes instantly began to water before I could stop them. I had to get out of the room now. “You’re such an asshole,” I whispered, shoving past her.
“What’s your problem?” Maria asked as I rushed out of the room.
I ignored her, trying to contain my tears. Her words stung like hell. Worse than hell, if that was even possible. Did she know about Dannon’s condition? Did she know that he was going to die within the month? If so, that was just sick.
I leaned against the wall of the hallway, sliding down onto the floor and letting my head fall into my hands. Despite the distance, I could hear Britain yelling at Maria. I didn’t know whether to be comforted by the fact that he was sticking up for me, or appalled that he was this angry.
“Dammit, Maria!” he hissed. “You don’t think do you?”
“I don’t see the problem!” Maria retorted. I could visualize her crossing her arms irritably over her chest, her eyes like fire. “It was just a joke.”
“A joke? A joke?” Britain seethed. “Dannon is in the hospital, dying of cancer, and you’re sitting here making jokes about him being dead? Brianne is fragile right now. You can’t be making jokes like that.”
There was a long silence. I left a few tears spill, thinking of what Britain was saying. I was fragile right now, wasn’t I?”
“I—I didn’t know,” Maria forced out finally. “No one told me.”
We hadn’t told her, had we? Suddenly I felt guilty. Really guilty. How would she know not to make jokes like that when she didn’t know the situation I was in? Maria may have been a jerk, but she wouldn’t do that to me, would she? She wouldn’t make sick jokes like that. I hated myself for even thinking it.
Suddenly Maria appeared, her eyes searching. She glanced down at me, and her eyes widened. Then they softened with sympathy. Maria, the girl who I thought had no feelings, was giving me sympathy. I was shocked.
Maria moved toward me, sliding down beside me. She was silent for a moment before she spoke. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I didn’t know.”
I nodded, wiping my eyes. “It’s okay. I didn’t tell you.”
Maria’s lip trembled. “He’s dying? Like legit?”
I nodded, sighing shakily. “H-h-he’s in a coma.”
Maria made a small noise in the back of her throat. One glance at her and I knew that she was pained. I watched her in surprise, not used to this behavior.
Suddenly her head shot up and she stared at me pleadingly. “I’m sorry,” she said quickly. “I’m sorry. For everything. I’m just a jealous teenager who hates the fact that my cousin who hated even the prospect of dating has a boyfriend that is the hottest man on the planet and isn’t a jerk or self-centered. I—”
“Maria, stop,” I whispered.
Maria’s mouth closed immediately, letting her gaze fall guiltily to the ground.
“I accept your apology,” I continued. “Just, please, stop talking about him. It hurts.”
Maria nodded, and it was silent for a moment. And then suddenly Maria threw herself at me, wrapping her arms around me tightly. I sat there in shock for a short second before hugging her back. It felt odd hugging Maria, alien. Maria and I hadn’t exactly been buddy-buddy over the years.
Finally, I pulled away. “I would smile, but I don’t have the ability at the moment,” I murmured, struggling to sit up. “So, all’s forgiven?”
Maria struggled to smile before nodding. “Yeah. We’re cool.”
| It ♥ All ♥ Started ♥ With ♥ An ♥ Apple |
I buckled my seat belt, leaning my head against the window. The visit hadn’t been so bad after all. Vincent had questioned why I looked so sad, but Aunt Jill had come to my rescue before I could even think of a lie. She told him that I lost my special stuffed teddy bear, and I’d been searching for it for days. As stupid as the cover up may have been, it worked. Vincent didn’t really take much to convince. He was very trusting.
“You did good, Bri,” Garrett told me as he hopped into the seat beside me. He draped an arm over my shoulder. “I’m proud of you.”
I shrugged. “Thanks.”
Garrett smiled. “You’re stronger than you think.”
Strong? The word wasn’t even in my vocabulary anymore. I sighed, shaking my head and closing my eyes. I had a three-hour ride to deal with, so why not deal with it in a nightmare where Dannon was talking to me for part of the time and then having a seizure later? At least this way I could speak to him.
Sad, isn’t it? That I would resort to using my nightmares in order to talk to Dannon?
My mom turned on the radio. I bit my lip as Strong Enough by Matthew West began to play. It was partway through the song, but that didn’t matter. I got the message. I looked up at the ceiling, wondering if God was trying to speak to me. I didn’t know whether to be thankful for this or not. Sure, He was telling me that I could be strong enough if I trusted Him, but what did that do? That didn’t help Dannon, didn’t cure him of his disease.
I closed my eyes, shaking my head. The lyrics pierced me as I attempted in vain to block them out.
“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. And I don’t have to be strong enough. Strong enough.”