~L~
AS ZACH CROSSED OVER INTO the collected streets, Lizzie stared out the window in silence. He punched the red button in the RAV, switching from motorcycle to landspeeder.
Graffiti and posters plastered the empty storefronts: The end is at hand and BoNZ were repeated. What the hell was Bonz? The latest pro-birth poster was old style, based on the Uncle Sam, I WANT YOU, recruiting call. Except they had replaced Uncle Sam with a lovely redhead, in patriotic garb, beckoning: DO IT FOR YOUR COUNTRY. He rather admired the art, but it was all unnecessary. His hormones did not need a poster to encourage him to start procreating. If they should be making posters for anyone, it should be for the women. Nev was still reluctant. Maybe it was her upbringing and she would come around once they were actually married.
Out of the corner of his eye he saw Lizzie holding a hand over her still flat belly.
"Guess we were ahead of the curve," he said, pointing at the poster and trying to get some sort of positive response from Lizzie.
She rolled her eyes.
He let the RAV glide to a stop and then turned off the engine. Lizzie sat, subdued beside him.
"Sorry." She tried to give him a smile.
"Yeah. I know." He was on duty in 20 minutes and he'd barely slept. He turned to her. "Lizzie?" She stared straight ahead. "I don't want you to promise not to do anything this time, if you do you'll be even more likely to do it. But, please think about letting us in on it. Think about the people who love you. None of us want to be your jailor—I know I don't. Hell—I'm starting to feel like my dad and you know I sure as shit don't want to turn into that bastard."
She shrugged.
"Look, I've got 20 minutes to check in with Nev and get to work."
"Call in sick."
"It's all a big game with you, isn't it?" Zach shook his head.
"Fuck you, Zach."
"Grow up," he growled. He reached across and shoved open her door.
"I thought we should talk about stuff." She stepped out onto the pavement. "But I guess that wasn't your plan. You just wanted to talk at me."
Zach slammed his fists on the dashboard. "Why does it always have to be this way with you, Lizzie? Maybe you're right, maybe we'd all be better off with you gone!"
Tears welled in her eyes.
"Shit, Lizzie. I didn't mean it." But it was too late. She ran from the car, across a snowy field to the women's dorms.
Zach sighed and let his head fall toward the steering wheel. He knew he should go after her, but he'd had enough of going after Lizzie for one day. His job—and fitting in here—was the only future he could see for himself, Lizzie, the baby—most importantly, Nev. He wanted to keep her safe.
"Shit," he said again, shoved the RAV into reverse and punched the accelerator. Work needed him; Nev needed him—he couldn't keep giving all of himself to Lizzie.
Lizzie glared as the white RAV slipped out of the parking lot and away, tossing more snow as it fishtailed. "Fuck you, Zach," she whispered. Her voice wavered and she realized she was shaking.
She took a moment to get herself back under control and pulled out her phone. "Rach? Yeah I'm back. I want to see Saj before daycare."
"Sure thing. How soon will you be here?"
"Long enough to walk from the parking lot." Hopefully, she hadn't already gotten Rachael in trouble for not getting to her job on time like Zach. Why did Lizzie have such a talent for complicating lives?
Though Rachael would never say anything—she had too gentle a heart. Since Rachael had helped Lizzie steal Saj away from the Birthers up north, she had never heard an unkind word.
The air was crisp and cold, but the sun already shone off the snow. And the sky was clear and cloudless. The only warmth she felt came from how near she was to Saj. She hadn't allowed herself to miss him. Not until she was sure she was coming back.
At Rachael's dorm room she tapped gently on the door. Its hollow core echoed more than she expected. She winced, hoping she hadn't woken the neighbors or Saj. It was still early.
"Be right there," Rachael's voice called. "Changing a diaper."
Lizzie tried the door. The knob turned. She entered. "Just me."
"Sissie!" Saj's voice conveyed his excitement as he fought against Rachael's hands holding him firm while she placed the velcro tabs.
"Glad those weren't pins." Rachael released her charge to come at Lizzie.
Lizzie's heart melted. She smiled widely. "Saj? You better get ready. Sissie's coming!" She made an airplane sound and entered the bedroom 'flying' at full speed.
Saj squealed, wide-eyed. "Sissie, sissie, sissie."
She couldn't bring herself to have him call her mommy. He was more like a kid brother than her kid and she was happy to be his Sissie. Well, at some point he would probably call her Lizzie like everyone else.
"Welcome home, Sissie." Rachael said softly, a smug look on her face.
"You knew."
"That you were coming back? Sure. How could you leave this little monster?" Rachael scooped up the squirming boy and held her arm out to Lizzie. "Jess and I started a pool on when you would be back. I'll have to see if I won."
Lizzie chuckled and took the offered hug. "You did not!"
Rachael smiled and checked the clock behind her.
"Oh, shit, did I make you late, too?"
"No. I already called in. I wanted to talk. If you've got the time."
"Well, I could use a shower."
"Then take one," Rachael suggested, sniffing loudly in her direction, "please."
"Stinky?" Saj giggled and started sniffing, too. "Sissie, play?"
"Or don't." Rachael grinned as Saj rolled himself over on the bed and slid down to the floor.
He ran to Lizzie and wrapped his arms around her legs.
"Don't, I guess." She tousled Saj's curly hair. She scooped him up, blowing his belly like she used to do with Jayce. "What do you want to talk about, Rach?"
"Never mind." Rachael stood there, watching Lizzie play with Saj. "It was just a thought but I can see it was stupid."
"Out with it!"
Rachael sighed. "Well, you know that back in the breeder compound. They picked me out to be his mom, and then... I thought... Like I said, it's stupid. I'll never have what you have with him."
"I'm going to be a good mom," Lizzie said.
Rachael's face registered shock. "I didn't mean it like that."
"Why not? It's what everyone else is thinking."
Rachael gaped at her.
Lizzie sighed. "But not everyone is as kind as you are."
Rachael's eyes strayed to the carpet. "I wondered if I was ready to be a mom. If Hank would love me for as long as he said he would." Her bitter chuckle cut short. "Till death do us part."
"Oh, Rachael." Lizzie pulled her close. "Saj. Rachael needs hugs."
The little boy's arms wrapped around Rachael's neck. "Don't cry. 'S'all right. Everything be okay. Sissie's home."
Lizzie laughed. "Yup. It's all going to be fine. Sissie's home." The sarcasm in her voice didn't help.
Rachael laughed through her tears. "I hear my own voice. That's what I told him when he was crying."
Saj's bright chubby face gazed up at her and it pained her to know those cheeks had been tear-stained because of her. She couldn't leave him again—or Rachael.
"Rachael, it's not fair that I should have two kids and you none. We're a family—you, me and Saj. We might not be like 'together' or even live together in the traditional family unit, but f...err, screw traditional. You can be Saj's daddy." She laughed. "Right, Saj? What do you think of Daddy Rachael?"
Snot blew out of Rachael's nose as she snorted. She turned red and dabbed at her nose.
Saj giggled and poked a finger up his own nose.
Lizzie pulled his hand away and laid her cheek on his soft baby head. "We've got each other. That's what counts."
~Z~
Zach shoved through the door of the apartment he shared with Nev. Fuming, he dropped his backpack on the kitchen table. Why the hell did Lizzie have to be so stubborn? What he needed now was Nev's strong arms around him, and maybe her legs too.
"Nev?"
She appeared in the doorway and his mood soothed. He could count on her calm personality to smooth away his worries. But she wasn't smiling, her serene face was a mask.
She held one of his shirts in her hands. She shook the wrinkles out with a loud snap and proceeded to fold it into a precise rectangle.
"Well?" she asked.
"She's home safe and sound."
Some of the tightness in her jaw eased, but her eyebrows were still knit together. "It took you all night?"
"Come on, Nev. I did what I had to do to get her home. That's what you wanted, right?"
"Hmph." Nev walked back to the laundry room to add his shirt to a tidy pile in the basket. She focused on matching socks and rolling them together as Zach hung back in the doorway, too afraid to speak or offer to help fold.
"I saw some new pro-family signs on the way home." He chuckled, trying to figure out a better direction for this conversation. "They're getting pretty racey. Made me want to come back here and see what we can do about starting one."
"Oh, really?" She jerked a t-shirt from inside out. "I'm surprised. You already started one with Lizzie, what do you need me for?"
"Seriously?" Two strides and he was beside her, blocking the laundry basket with his arm to get her attention. "You're not the only one suffering in all this. What I want more than anything is the woman I love, right here and right now, to be all fat and round with my baby in her belly. But instead Lizzie is having my baby, and to top it off she barely seems interested in keeping herself and my baby safe—or staying in Provo.
She faced him, arms crossed, mouth tight.
Zach wanted to reach out to her. "I don't know what to do about it most of the time, so I just do my best. Yeah, that means I do a lot of shit wrong. I can't help it; that's how I learn. I can't change that. All I can do is love you like my chest is gonna explode and hope it's enough to make up for being an idiot."
"Well, I guess it serves me right for falling for an idiot." Nev sighed and wrapped her arms around him and rested her cheek on his shoulder. "The last thing I want you to do is change who you are, Zach."
Zach let the bliss of her embrace wash over him, at last.
"I guess you're right, it isn't just you and me suffering."
"Yeah," Zach agreed softly. "She's hurting now. She misses you. Why don't you talk to her?"
Nev's eyes glistened with unshed tears. Her words came out in a rush. "I don't know. It feels so weird. I can't decide whether to shout at her or hug her. I know in my brain that it isn't her fault, but my heart feels a million things and none of them are forgiveness or understanding. My parents raised me to turn the other cheek, and 'if you don't have anything nice to say' kind of stuff. I guess I was hoping to wait until I could think of nice things to say... It's taking longer than I thought."
He hushed her and smoothed her hair. Her tears dripped onto his arm and each one stung like a jelly fish.
"You better go to work. You're going to be late. I called in so I could be here."
"I love you, Nev."