Alexis P.O.V
Waking up was the last thing I thought I'd be doing after the memory of why I even passed out came to mind.
Payne was choking me and the ghost feeling of a hand being around my neck assured me that I didn't imagine what happened. Not that Payne choking someone to death was surprising really but the only surprising thing was that I was still alive and presently in what I think is his room.
The walls were dark in color matching the sheets that were presently covering me up until my chest, the lights were dim in here barely illuminating the place and as I sat up and balanced my weight on my elbows I noticed a dark figure sitting on the ground opposite the bed.
The dark hair that blended perfectly with the darkness and the piercing grey eyes that stared right at me caused my stomach to churn. I knew it was Payne staring at me.
My heart began to race in my chest for no apparent reason even though he sat still on the ground. His long, muscular legs were revealed as I noticed he still wore only his black boxer briefs. His broad muscled chest revealed together with his toned six pack and his ever so noticeable V-line. His sun kissed golden skin covered by those multiple tattoos of different symbols and designs looked darker in the dim light as he sat there but that didn't make him look any less perfect than he always did. His high check bones and those pink lips that stood under a straight small nose. He was devilishly beautiful but very deadly in deed.
Rubbing a hand over my throat where his finger prints probably still marked I winced a little and cleared my throat ready to talk. The first go didn't work out and sounded more like a pathetic weaze but after clearing my sore throat again my voice came out hoarse but it was an improvement. "Why am I in here?" It was a stupid question but something needed to be said.
His gaze didn't falter or shift and I now realized his eyes looked more troubled than I'd ever seen before. Those grey eyes seemed even lighter.
"What's wrong?" I asked, voice still a hoarse whisper and even though I didn't expect an answer it was worth a shot. He looked tired and haunted and whatever was going on in that messed up mind of his was showing in his dead gaze.
"Why don't you hate me anymore?" His deep voice croaked out and it sounded heavier than usual. His gaze fell from mine and rested on the ground where his legs were lying against.
"What do you mean?" I asked, surprised by the question and I found that I had to ask myself the same thing. The sheets fell onto my waist as I sat up and leaned back against the pillows to get a better view of him.
"When you tried to escape and you ran, I choked you and I knew you hated me then. The look you gave me-" His gaze lifted back to mine. His grey eyes meeting my dull blue ones. "-You don't have it anymore. Even after what I just did to you." He paused and tilted his head to the side studying me. "I think the real question is what's wrong with you?"
Now my eyes were the one to fall to the sheets covering me. Payne Vincent, a monster most werewolves fear because of his brutality and lack of emotion such as remorse, he is my mate and I'm presently in his bedroom lying on his dark sheets after he almost choked me to death in the hallway. I was in a bedroom with him alone, he was barely dressed and with his strenght there's no doubt he could take advantage of me or even worse he can kill me. Thing was, I knew all these things, I knew he truly was a monster and someone to fear, I knew he didn't have much feelings and it was impossible to hurt him, calling him a coward earlier just got him angry, anger was the only emotion shown to me regularly and sometimes he was just distant. Then there was the times he tried to be normal, well as normal as he could be. There was so much things wrong with this man that the Goddess chose to be my mate but here I was, alone with him and there wasn't an ounce of fear in me. Maybe I was insane because I definitely felt fear earlier.
Yep, insane.
Insanity after all was doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result. He choked me, I got angry at him for a while, then got over it. He threw me down, I got angry at him and now I was over it. He choked me a few hours ago, I wasn't able to get upset due to my passing out but here I was, over it once again. Nothing changed, he's still the same Payne but I hoped he could still just feel! Somethinh anything, for the sake of everything holy why can't he just feel! I wanted him to care, care about what he did to me, care about me but that's never going to happen.
I felt a tear fall from my eye and I quickly wiped it away trying to hide my emotions just like Payne did but I'm no pro and he caught it. Clearing my throat because suddenly I felt like there was a lump there and I couldn't breath.
"I-I don't know" I stammered trying to catch my breath. "I have hope." I tried scrunching my nose to ignore the feeling to sob, my eyes were rimmed with tears but I tried not to let them out. He knew I was weak but it was the least I could do to try to hide it.
"Hope for what Alexis? I want you to tell me exactly what you want from me." He insisted and I shook my head knowing that if I did get into everything I wanted from this man the tears will fall without end. "Tell me." He demanded but his voice wasn't hard as it could have been.
"You know what I want so why do you want me to say it?" I asked even though my voice was soft I tried my best not to crack on the words.
"We talked about this Alexis. It won't work!" He argued and I shook my head. My tears threatening to spill and almost doing so. I hated crying. I hated it so much but Payne made me cry so much it was unbelievable that he really was my mate. Actually not much unbelievable because if I wanted to survive here I had to believe it.
"You don't even try!" I argued back and he rose to his feet. Standing at his full lenght.
"I won't try something I know I'll fail at. I can't love you Alexis!" He yelled now and that hurt. The remaining pieces of my heart fell apart once more and a few tears fell. I felt even more expossed to him now.
I couldn't hold it in anymore. I leaned forward and cupped my face in my hands as the tears fell profusely and the sobs began to rock my body.
"Don't do that!" He yelled and suddenly he sounded closer but I couldn't focus on where he was because I was too busy falling apart in front of him and hating myself for it.
"Alexis." He called and I felt that he was beyond closer to me. I slowly removed my hands from my face and swallowed back some sobs. The tears however didn't want to cooperate and stop.
He was looming over me when I looked up. His jaw set hard and his face unreadable as it always was but I could see from the pained look in his eyes that he felt something and that something was the reason I couldn't give up.
"What?" I croaked out and began wiping up the tears that defined me.
"Don't." He warned and I straightened up and cleared my throat.
"Don't what?" I challenged even though my voice was broken and soft.
"Don't. Cry." He ordered and his voice was cold and lifeless like this room. He was trying to make me back off because of his harsh tone but I knew better now. He wanted me to stop crying because he felt a way about it but he didn't know how to express it. I didn't understand why now though, it wasn't the first time he saw me crying but now he has a problem with it.
"Why not?" I kept going, hoping that he could express it in words. He couldn't and I knew it but it was worth a shot.
His eyes grew a lighter shade of grey and his body tensed up even more. His eyes weren't on me instead they were at a pillow next to me and when they refocused back to me they grew angry, he was done trying to think about explaining himself, he didn't know how and from the looks of it he preferred it that way.
"Fuck this, if you want to cry go right ahead. You were making me uncomfortable with your noises. That's the WHY of it." He growled out through clenched teeth and I found that I was regaining my strenght no longer lingering on the effects of his earlier words. The tears stopped and I found myself sitting up and getting onto my knees on the bed in front of him. His height was very intimidating and he still stood taller than me as I knelt on the bed before him and he stood on the ground in front of me. A bored expression plastered across his face.
"Payne I never said I wanted your love. I want you to try this with me. I'm as new to this as you are and its okay." I said calmly, aware that I said his name and how I addressed him. If he was tense before he was stiff now. His eyes grew even darker and his mouth began to form a snarl. "You have a problem with me saying your name Payne? Well I have a lot of problems when it comes to you." I stated and I felt this boost of confidence I've never felt before towards this man and my heart raced in my chest not from fear but from anxiety to tell him what I've always wanted to scream at him. He was about to say something and I knew he was going to yell or growl out something at me but I ignored him and continued.
"I know you've been through stuff when you were younger. I remember your story! I know what happened okay? And you know what! It's been so long and you need to ignore it and put the past behind you. You need to stop being a ghost walking around in a live man's body! Get over it and get over yourself. I've been through shit as well and I've moved on." Taking a breath before I began to stammer with how fast the words were leaving my mouth and with every word that left my mouth I felt pieces of the anchor that was weighing down my chest lift. "But you know what Payne you being such an asshole isn't helping either of our situations. I hate the way you pretend to not feel any emotion! You feel it but you can't express it. I get that but come on. You can't lash out on me. I'm not your personal punching bag okay? And if you're going to hit me for saying all this." The moon goddess above is probably smiling down at me and giving me all this strenght and courage because I knew I didn't have this in me. I found myself getting completely off the bed now leaving the brown sheets behind me and stood right in front of him. "Hit me." I growled out and my determination still didn't fade.
The space in-between us was barely visible and I felt his body heat radiating off him and hitting me in waves just as his anger waves were. His jaw was set hard and I could see his eyes were almost pitch black now filled with rage that wasn't allowed out. He was more than a head taller than me but I didn't let that scare me. I barely met his pecks with my height but I stood straight and raised my head and stared directly into his stormy eyes. Determined to get something out of him. Maybe I was just stupid and was going to end up passing out again but I needed to do this and I'll keep doing this as much as I have to because it won't be over until I have him as mine and he'll accept me as his. God, just the thought alone had my toes curling, what it would be like to have Payne's strong arms wrapped around me as we woke up together-
"Stop it." He said his voice and tone hard as ever and I shook my head and I saw his eyes growing lighter as if he was giving his anger a break.
"I'm not going to stop. I've lost everything that ever meant something to me, my parents, my pack and now you want me to lose my mate as well. If you think I'm going to give up so easily, you're not as smart as I thought you were. You know what I want? I want a mate and sadly it's you." I stated and at that point I was expecting the heat of his palm or the hard curves of his knuckles as it made contact with my face but instead I got a confused looking Payne and he began stepping backwards trying to get away from me.
As I began taking steps toward him he held out his hands in warning and his voice followed, "Don't come near me, get out! Stop this you won't get anything from it! Get out!" He began yelling and its only then starring at his retreating form I noticed that he looked vulnerable in this situation. I spoke about his past and told him to get over it and it must have brought something back to him and for the first time he actually looked something other than angry and upset with me, he looked nervous and flushed as he stood there but that was because he was unsure of what I was going to do. Fear wasn't something I believed Payne felt so I went with those two options, but I couldn't stop now, I've said so much and I still had an ounce of courage to use up until I'm back to my just-leave-it-alone self. I wanted to dig deep into him until I left my words permanent in his skin just as his tattoos were. I wanted him to remember that whatever he did I was still the mate chosen by the fates for him, I am the one he will eventually love and be with whether it happened now or in the next century. I needed him to take a huge note that whether he liked it or not and even more so, whether I liked the outcome or not, I wasn't going to give up.
I didn't stop following his trail until I had him pressed against a wall and I was a few inches away from him. His towering height and those, now glowing grey eyes were right in front of me and I felt nothing but the urge to keep going and so I did.
"Payn-"
"You wanted out. Get out. You know the way to the front door. Leave, don't ever come back!" He cut me off. His voice returning to the cold tone it always was. Stepping away from the wall that he must have now realised he was pressed against, he straightened up and met my stare with a leveled one of his own but his eyes had turned a lighter shade of grey and even though I could sense him putting up his walls again his eyes didn't change back.
I felt a spark of satisfaction, I hit a spot in him and there was proof that it actually affected him.
"N-" I was about to protest but a large hand covered my mouth and the other took hold of my forearm and before I could see where I was going Payne pushed me out of his room, released me and went back in and locked the door.
"Payne!" I yelled as I got up and banged on his door once again. He didn't answer and I knew he wasn't going to, he wasn't going to open up for me either. Those both things went unsaid.
I felt my heart throb in my chest as I stopped pounding on the door and sat on the ground in front of his door.
He told me to get out and don't ever come back. I'm free. But thinking about that particular freedom I know I could never be it now. I'll always ache for a mate that could have been mine. I couldn't help the tears that began to spring from my eyes. God, I hated looking anymore weaker in front of him but I couldn't help it. I spoke so much. It was the first time that I got to express myself to someone and it all was like words in the wind. Going nowhere.
Getting to my feet, I bundled up the last pieces of my pride, which wasn't much really and faced Payne's bedroom door once more. It didn't make sence to yell a good bye or anything really, he didn't care and probably flipped his switch to his asshole side by now.
With my head held high, my heart shattered once again and my emotional grid all messed up, I began walking toward the front door. It's stupid but even with everything he put me through I was willing to stay and go through hell again aslong as he'd be with me but it wouldn't make sence going through that hell, he still wouldn't chose me.
Walking past Payge's room, through the seemingly shorter narrow hallways I saw the giant double doors of this cold castle.
The tears fell in sync with everything step I took to the door and my heart dropped its broken pieces on the ground as I left through the doors.
The cold night winds seemed even colder as I made my way toward the forest that I now knew too well and the moon above me seemed to shine down upon my path like a spot light.
Was I really going to do this? Leave him? After everything ...
Why did part of me want to go and the other part want to stay. I was finally free but I felt caged in my emotions.
It was until I was deep into the dark forest that I realized I couldn't leave. I just couldn't. A life without seeing Payne's gorgeous face even if it was always cold was a life I didn't want to live in. Turning on my heel and begining to treck back I heard a twig break behind me.
Turning to investigate what had caused the noise I was shocked beyond words that couldn't be formed. There, standing in the woods behind me was a man I had completely forgotten about, the man that was the reason I feared to return back to my pack. He would have his way if he had a chance and sadly now he had the chance. Standing behind me was none other than Dimitry. The werewolf that had continuous beaten me for three hours then attempted to rape me until I made his penis and balls turn into one. He was the reason I ran and he was the reason I had to run now.
And here I was thinking the goddess was smiling down at me, right now, she was throwing her shit at me and that shit came in the form of Dimitry.
Yes .. I'm upset with myself too. :( I got tied up in so many things this week and I really thought I'd be able to finish sooner. I hope you enjoyed this chapter.. It's Reeeaaallly long and full of fun stuff. Vote and comment guys I'll try to update the next one A.S.A.P ...
What do you think is gonna happen next? What did you think of Payne letting her go?
Comment and Vote !!
I'm so grateful for all the support guys .. Thank you all.
:*
Xoxo
Random..