after dropping a quick text to Jamie to come and pick Demi and I up, I went around the house grabbing tissues in boxes and packets. I had tasked Demi with the job of making sure windows were closed and electricity off, as well as getting Buddy ready to go. yes, she was hurting and pretty fragile, but she needed to do something instead of sitting at the table crying endlessly. it'd be better for her that way. Demi had always taken care of me when I needed her. now she needed me, and I made a silent promise to the both of us that I'd always take care of her.
my phone buzzed with a text from Jamie to let me know that he was here, so I went into Demi and Naya's room to tell her that. Demi was sat on Naya's side of the king sized bed, petting Buddy as she flicked through a copy of Staying Strong aimlessly.
"Demi?" I said, approaching her. "Jamie's here."
"okay," she said. then she looked back up at me, and asked, "should I take this?"
I sat down next to her, touching the pages delicately. Buddy stood up and wandered onto a pillow, curling back up. for a moment, I was envious of how he didn't know anything and didn't have to. "if you want to. you could meditate on this for a while, too."
"okay." Demi closed the book and tucked it into her bag. "Lea?"
"yes?"
"you are beyond amazing. thank you."
she didn't need to say what she was thanking me for. both of us knew, and I fell into her open arms as she held me tight, resting her head on mine. the moment was interrupted by my phone buzzing again.
Jamie: Lea? are you alright upstairs?
"c'mon, Demi. we'll be back soon," I said, picking Buddy's carrier up and typing a reply.
Lea: be right there! like 3 minutes
Demi hauled herself off the bed and padded into the dining room, grabbing her bags and handing me mine. then she silently looked around the room once more before picking Buddy up and following me out to the elevator.
"everything okay?" Jamie asked as he helped us to fit our things in the back of the car.
I shrugged. "vaguely."
he nodded, mustering up a smile despite probably knowing that something wasn't right, and got back into the driver's seat after helping Demi and I in. "where to?"
I glanced briefly at Demi before giving him the address. she didn't know we were going to Taylor's house yet, and I guessed she didn't need to know until we had pulled up at her place.
the ride was silent as I watched the car clock hit 10:15pm halfway through the journey. I held on to Demi's hand as she intertwined her fingers with mine, keeping her eyes closed. the passing streetlights shone on her face, lighting her up briefly before disappearing again. occasionally, she sniffed, her other hand traveling to meet Buddy's small head and pet him comfortingly.
soon, the car stopped, and Jamie let us know that we'd arrived.
"Lea?" Demi asked softly as Jamie began to park the car properly. "is this... Taylor's?"
"yes," I told her, feeling a brief panic. what if Demi didn't want to stay here?
thankfully, Demi didn't seem to object. "she agreed to let us stay?"
"yeah," I said. "I didn't tell her the entire reason, though."
"she's such an angel," Demi said softly, almost musing.
Jamie parked the car and helped us to get our things out, then carried them to Taylor's front door. I rang the doorbell.
the door unlocked, and Taylor opened it. she was already in her pajamas - a large white shirt and blue lounge shorts, her short hair let down. when she saw us, she immediately wrapped her arms around Demi in a tight, comforting hug. a hug that said "it's going to be okay".
"I think I'll take these," I said to Jamie quietly, reaching for our bags. "thanks, Jamie."
"no problem. let me know if you need to go anywhere else."
we bid each other a good night, and with Taylor's help after a long, tight hug, I got the bags inside, Buddy following curiously.
"here's the guest room," Taylor said, bringing us to a spacious, airy room, placing one of Demi's bags on the floor next to the bed. "unless you two want to have a separate room, there's another one down the hall."
"that's okay," I said. "I think we'll share."
"sure. the bathroom's just opposite, and I have tea and hot chocolate and food downstairs. just make yourselves at home, alright? Demi, would you like some tea?"
"yes, please," Demi said, then cleared her throat. "Taylor, thank you so much for-"
"no, no, it's not a problem at all," Taylor waved her hand dismissively. "from what Lea said on the phone earlier, it seemed like you just needed a change of environment and someone to chat to."
Demi smiled gratefully, toying with the hem of her shirt. "let's get this tea, then. Lea?"
"you guys go ahead," I said. "don't worry about me."
"feel free to come get something to drink," Taylor reminded me before leading Demi to the kitchen. "and don't worry about the cats attacking Buddy. they're in my room, asleep."
I got Buddy's things ready for him to go to bed, then took his collar off and left him in the room as I went to take a shower. I didn't allow myself to think about anything in the shower - I didn't allow myself to feel anything. I needed to not get in the way of Demi and Taylor, and I had to take care of Demi, like I'd promised Naya. I couldn't take care of her if I allowed myself to drift away into my own mind.
after the shower, I changed into my pajamas, brushed my teeth and checked on Buddy, finding him asleep. then I padded into the kitchen to get some water.
Taylor and Demi were sat on the stools at the kitchen counter, backs facing me, with mugs of steaming tea in front of them. Demi was talking, Taylor listening intently. trying not to interrupt them, I went round, picked a glass up and filled it with warm water, then went back into the bedroom and continued reading one of the books I'd brought with me. for some reason, even though I wasn't in a familiar place, I was comfortable. I could hear Taylor and Demi's soft voices drifting into the room, Buddy's gentle breathing, me flipping the page. the room smelt faintly of lavender, the white bedsheets spread invitingly on the king-sized bed. eventually, I was so sleepy that I closed my book, turned the light off, set my nearly-empty glass of water on the bedstand and curled up under the fluffy white blanket.
I must've drifted off to sleep, because when I next woke, the entire room was dark. the curtains were closed and the door was shut. next to me, Demi crawled into bed silently, getting under the covers, her breath minty from toothpaste. in a matter of minutes, her breathing was even and I could hear tiny snores coming from her. I rolled over to check the time on my phone. 2:30am. the hallway light was still on, so I got out of bed, grabbed the glass and headed out to get more water.
once I passed the sitting room, I heard light guitar strumming. the floor lamp in the corner of the room was on, and Taylor was sat on the arm of the sofa with a guitar. she plucked a few chords out softly, and hummed a tune to herself. I watched as she shifted to the sofa, leaning on the armrest, strumming some more, humming the chords. mesmerized, I entered the room, coming to sit next to her.
"Lea?" she said upon looking up. "I thought you were asleep."
"I was, but Demi woke me up by accident. I came to get more water."
"ah." she resumed the same chord sequence, strumming lightly.
"Taylor?"
"yes?"
"are you okay?"
Taylor looked back up at me, a small smile on her lips. "I am. why do you ask?"
"I don't know... you're just here, strumming a guitar alone in the middle of the night."
"good point." she repeated the same chords, pausing to tune her instrument ever so slightly. "yes, I'm okay. I'm still awake because I drank more coffee than usual this morning. but I was just thinking about what Demi said."
I nodded, and was about to stand up when she spoke up again.
"are you worried for them?"
I pulled my knees up and rested my chin on them. "sort of."
Taylor nodded understandingly. "they love each other very, very much," she said slowly. "the kind of love, I think, everyone looks for." she stopped strumming and rubbed her fingers.
"the kind where you can hear it in the silence?" I couldn't help asking, a small smile making its way onto my face. "where you can feel it on the way home?"
Taylor laughed, recognizing the reference to her song almost immediately. "yes. I'm no expert, but I'm sure it'll work out."
I looked up at her. "you think?"
she nodded. then she started playing different chords, making up an entirely new tune. "what about you?" she asked. "how've you been?"
"I hope they work out, I mea-"
"no, no," she laughed softly. "you said you liked that person. what's become of it?"
"oh." I laid my face back onto my knees. Lauren. in an attempt to sway the subject slightly, I said, "I never told you who it was."
"no, you didn't," she agreed. "but you don't have to. did you tell Demi?"
"yeah. and Naya, too. both of them think it's cute."
Taylor smiled.
"it's Lauren," I said quietly, barely audibly. "from Fifth Harmony. Lauren Jauregui."
Taylor stopped strumming. "ah," she said. after a quiet pause, she said softly, "thank you for telling me. it takes a lot to tell someone, and thank you for trusting me."
"that's okay," I mumbled. everything I'd been trying not to feel, not to think about, not to remember, was suddenly bubbling up to the surface with an alarming degree of urgency. it was like every repressed emotion was suddenly springing up and slapping me across the face. thankfully, Demi was asleep, and wouldn't have to deal with me. she had enough on her plate at the moment. all I had to do was suppress it and not bother Taylor, since she probably had a lot on her mind as well as Demi.
"Lea?" Taylor's caring voice pushed its way through my inner dialogue.
"hmmm?" I asked, unable to tear my eyes away from the spot I'd been staring at.
"are you alright?"
"yeah. sorry. I was just thinking."
"about Lauren?"
I hummed softly in affirmation.
Taylor resumed her guitar playing as I let my eyes wander the room. the walls had framed prints of cats on, and there were photos of Taylor with her friends neatly hung up in one corner just above the bookshelf. Karlie Kloss was in a lot of them, as was Haim and Ed Sheeran. there were a couple with Demi, Selena and Miley from 2008, and lots of photos from the 1989 secret sessions as well as her family. on the wall next to them, written with sharpie in Taylor's handwriting, I could barely make out the words "smile, all these people love you!"
suddenly, out of nowhere, everything I'd been trying to repress and ignore spilled out and overflowed, the weight of my problems and emotions fully coming to light. I felt like a sea of thoughts was crashing through my mind, spilling like violent waves onto battered sand.
I couldn't do it anymore.
"Taylor?" I asked, barely audibly.
"hmmm?"
"what do you do... when someone you like... likes someone else?"
my voice cracked on the last word, and I silently cursed myself.
Taylor looked up at me, sympathy evident in her expression. "is that what's happening to you?"
I nodded. "th-they kissed."
I hated that I stumbled over my words. I didn't even say who kissed, but I still couldn't form the words. I didn't want Taylor to worry about me. all I needed was some words of advice. I didn't want her to have to listen to me because Demi had already talked to her for about three hours, and I didn't want to burden her some more.
"oh, Lea," she sighed, putting down her guitar. she held her arms open for a hug. "come here."
I moved over and into her arms, sighing too.
"they don't know I saw them," I mumbled. "they don't know why I'm avoiding them. I feel terrible about it."
"avoiding them?"
"yeah, like, not really responding to texts or tweets and stuff like that from all of the girls. it just hurts to know that they're most probably together and lying to me about it by not saying anything and still acting like they're not. y'know?"
Taylor nodded. "I'm sorry, Lea."
"it's okay."
"maybe trying talking to them," Taylor said. "not necessarily about this, you could talk about something else. maybe they haven't said anything for a reason. and the girls are your friends. a relationship isn't really worth losing your friends over."
it made sense. "thanks, Taylor. I needed that. and I'm sorry for bothering you."
she pulled back from the hug to look at me directly. "you're not bothering me, Lea. in fact, I'm really honored that you told me this."
"but Demi's been talking to you about her and I didn't mean to, like, add to your burdens."
"you're not a burden," Taylor said firmly. "and yes, Demi did talk to me, but that doesn't mean you can't, either. it's good to let it all out sometimes."
"thank you, Taylor. for everything."
"you are most welcome."
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A/N:
so Confident is a thing now! I actually really liked the scavenger hunt Demi did on Twitter last night. it was way better than blackout.
thoughts on Learen?
dedicated to Mya () because yesterday was massive for the both of us and it was really fun flipping shit over Halsey and Confident with you!!
edit 2018: i still fkn love mya
xoxo