Chapter 23:
A Few Weeks Later
Emily's POV.
Today is my first doctors appointment since I was released from the hospital. Harry and I are driving to the hospital right now and I'm sort of nervous. I'm nervous because if Dr. Randall finds something else wrong with me, which I highly expect, I won't be able to go to Playlist Live in Washington DC this year and see all of my friends again. But if I'm healthy and there's nothing wrong with me, I'll be able to go with no problem.
So I've been sitting in the car with Harry and just sweating bullets as we get closer and closer to the clinic. Harry's hand that's placed over mine on the middle console calms me down the slightest bit, but I'm still shitting bricks over here for what there is to come.
Once Harry and I get to the clinic, we wait in the waiting room for some time due to the fact that hospitals are never on schedule. I sit in one of the plastic chairs they provide and tap my foot aimlessly against the carpeted floor. I can't stop repositioning myself and I think I'm just stressing myself out even more by doing so.
"Emily," Harry placed his hands on my shoulders and pushes me back into my chair so I'm resting against it, "just calm down. Stop overcompensating over this whole thing," his voice soothes me in the smallest way and I appreciate how he's trying to make me feel better.
"I'm just nervous s'all," I aimlessly tug on the sleeve of my jumper where my arm should be. I do this thing where I tie the sleeve of the shirt I'm wearing (if it has long sleeves) in a knot so it doesn't look like I've just pulled my arm out of my sleeve and into my shirt like a child would do if they were cold. I guess it's sort of a fashion thing now? Girls have sending me pictures of them wearing their hoodies or jumpers with get sleeves tied up and their arms in their shirts. I think it's nice and all, but I don't think it should ever become part of the fashion world.
"It's okay to be nervous," he rubs my arm away from my sleeve and slots our fingers together, kissing at the knuckles on my hand.
"Emily Horan?" I look up to see a nurse in purple scrubs holding a clip board and smiling over at me. Harry and I stand up and make our way over to her and follow her to a room.
"The doctor will be with you shortly, he's just finishing up with his last patient," the nurse smiles before leaving the small room and shutting the door behind her with a click.
The whole room makes my throat feel dry. It brings back the memories of when I was a child and mum and pa took me to a clinic much like this one because I wasn't feeling the best. That's when I discovered I had cancer and they took me to the hospital in an ambulance and started chemo therapy immediately. I remember crying a lot and the blurry images of my parents at my bedside and holding my hands. They kept telling me it was going to be okay and that I would feel better soon.
I sigh deeply and slouch in my chair. I need to stop recalling these memories before I start crying. I really miss my parents. I wish they were here with me now. They always knew how to make things better.
Suddenly, I hear the door opening and smile at the sight of my doctor. He's been my doctor ever since I moved with Niall to our shared flat for a long period of time after our parents passed. He's sort of my therapist as well, it's a long story.
"Hello Emily, it's lovely to see you," he greeted me with a small wave and went over to Harry and shook his hand.
Another nurse walked in after Dr. Randall and was wheeling a cart with lots of needles on it. Oh joy. Can you tell that needles aren't my favorite things in the world?
"I know these needles look intimidating, but all we need to do is take a blood test and go over to the CAT scan to check and make sure that you don't have any active cancer cells in your body, which you shouldn't," I try not to show how nervous I am, but I think he catches the worried look that briefly comes across my face, "Don't worry Emily, there's nothing to worry about."
Harry's hand finds itself on top of mine and squeezes my hand gently. I can tell that he's trying to reassure me, but the intimidating needles don't really help in making me feel any better. I shift uncomfortably in my seat and swallow in anxiety.
Dr. Randall pats the small bed with a white paper covering over it, "Take a seat and we'll get this over as soon as possible so we can get the results." He goes over to the small sink to wash his hands as I get up and take a seat on the small cot, creating a crinkling paper sound as I take a seat. Harry comes over to my left side and traces his fingers over my shoulder. Since I don't have an arm there, he has started to do this thing where he just traces small circles into my almost non-existent shoulder. I've come to enjoy it and I always find him doing it when we're just bumming around and watching something on the telly.
"Are you ready, Emily?" Dr. Randall asks me as he gets the needle ready and disinfects my arm where he's going to take the blood from. I look up to Harry momentarily and he gives me a small encouraging smile. I nod to the doctor and he counts to three before putting the needle into my arm.
I really don't want to explain this part any further due to the fact that I almost passed out at the sight of my own blood, so let us skip to after my CAT scan, shall we?
Harry and I were sitting in the small, bland room once again as soon as my CAT scan was over. It has been about twenty minutes since the doctor sent us back here, and I am starting to worry. Why is he taking this long? Does he usually take this long? Should I worry about my cancer coming back?
I let out a distressed sigh and notice Harry doing the tracing thing on my shoulder. "Stop fretting over it, everything is going to be okay. I promise you," he says calmly. I nod at his words and bite my lip. I'm really hoping that I don't have cancer again. I've gone through that hell too many times and would rather not go through it again.
A sudden knock at the door pulls me out of my thoughts and brings my attention to the opening door with Dr. Randall walking in. I grin at him, the happiness of the smile not traveling to my eyes, and he stays neutral as he sets a folder of my x-rays, I assume, on the small desk in the room. His expression doesn't lighten at all and he just sits on his chair and stares at his keyboard for the longest time before letting out a long sigh.
I begin to panic inside. It's too good to be true.
"Emily," my doctor starts after minutes of silence, "I have good news, and I have bad news."
Harry is now clutching onto my hand as I begin to shake. I try to even out my breathing as I nod to my doctor to let him know to go on.
"The bad news is that you do have cancer cells in your body, in multiple areas actually."
My heart seems to drop to my stomach. I have cancer cells in my body. Not just in one place, in multiple places. I can feel my eyes beginning to water and a burning sensation at the back of my throat.
No.
"But the good news is sort of... temporary you could call it," he picks up the folder of my x-rays and goes over to the light thing that lets you see them more clearly, "the cancer cells in your body are inactive and we can treat you so that they stay that way," he says as he puts one of my x-rays up to the light. It shows a picture of my shoulders down to my hips and there are black clouds of the cells I assume near my lungs, my liver, and my colon. I can feel my throat tighten at the sight. I have cancer in my body, and if it becomes active, my lungs might not work anymore along with my liver and colon. I will have to wear a cannula thing like Hazel Grace in The Fault in our Stars.
My breathing starts to increase as Dr. Randall explains everything to me. I don't catch much of what he's saying because of the small anxiety attack that I'm going through at the moment, but I do catch the part where he says that I'm going to be given a medication in pill form to treat the inactive cancer.
"But what if the medication doesn't work?" Harry asks in a pained voice. I gaze over at him to see that his eyes are tearing up as well and his nose is turning red. He keeps running his hands through his hair and can't seem to sit still.
My doctor looks down at the floor and nods as if he was told the answer to that seemingly simple question. "Then we have no choice but to do more chemo about twice a week and keep her at the hospital in the cancer ward. But we will do everything to make sure that that doesn't happen and that she gets better," he was speaking as if I wasn't even in the room.
Harry nods slowly and the doctor stands up. "I will have the prescription sent to your local pharmacy. I trust you to take it as many times as directed. This doesn't restrict you from travelling or doing anything you normally do, so flying is okay. I'll see you in a month or two," my doctor says as he gets up to leave the room. He shakes both of our hands before exiting and leaves us in silence other than the dull sound of a machine buzzing in the background.
That's when I start bawling.
The tears just come and they don't stop. Harry pulls me into my lap and tries to sooth me, but I can tell that he is on the verge of tears as well. I feel bad for him, having a girlfriend who you love who is probably going to die soon anyways.
He picks me up bridal style at some point and carries me out to his car. I can tell that we get some strange looks, but I could care less. I thought that this all would be over after they cut off my bloody arm for fucks sake, but I guess not.
Why does my body hate me so much?
I want to scream at the top of my lungs and throw a temper tantrum. Saying that I'm angry is an understatement, I'm furious. But I'm too tired both mentally and physically to express my emotions. All I want to do is go home, curl up by the fireplace, drink some tea, and watch romantic comedies all night long.
I eventually stop crying as we're about half-way home from the hell hole of a hospital. Neither of us has said anything, but I think the thick sorrow in the air is loud enough.
"I'm so sorry, love. I wish that I could take this cancer from you and just put it in me," Harry finally says something. I turn to him in shock and begin shaking my head back and forth rapidly.
"No! I deserve this, if anything. You just deserve a better girlfriend who can actually live long enough so you can marry her, have kids, make memories-" I'm cut off short by him.
"Em, stop."
"But-"
He shakes his head and turns his attention to me as we stop at a red light, "Emily, listen to me. We may or may not have much time ahead of us, but that's okay. I want to make sure that the rest of our lives are spent making memories and doing things that you've always wanted to do. Like, completing everything on your bucket list, yeah?" There's hope in his beautiful eyes. I can't help but smile at his idea. Maybe I should just live each day like it's my last because who knows? Maybe it might be my last.
"Let's do it,"
*****
I'm such a horrible person, I know
But at least i updated ???? and now its 1 am and i have to wake up at 7
just for you guys ^-^