Laura looked outside, waiting for her son and her brother to get home. She was worried that Landon was out late in his condition. All she ever did nowadays was worry about her son. Landon always wanted her to stop worrying, but she was his mother and her job was to worry about her son, especially since he was blind. She knew that Bryan was with Landon but she just wanted them to get home already. It was getting late. In the meantime, while she was waiting for Bryan and Landon she looked for things to do.
Lance had gone on a trip with his college friends. Besides the fact that it was summer, those friends of his always kept in touch with him. Laura knew each and every one of Lance's friends. Over the years, Lance would bring them to the house, mostly one at a time. And then when she planned a birthday party for Lance, she would just call them to invite them to come and spend some time with all their friends. They were all good guys and she liked them. Never once had she heard them cursing in the house or any place, for that matter. But she guessed that was because they were different when Laura was around. She knew this because she would act the same way when her parents were around but then go crazy when they weren't.
She walked upstairs to her room, and found her album with pictures of the whole family. Since there was nothing for her to do since she had cleaned the house more than three times while waiting for Bryan and Landon to come home, she picked it up and carried it to the living room. She let herself fall down on the sofa. She sat cross-legged and placed the album in her lap. This was always hard for her: she always ended up in tears after looking through the album. But this time, she vowed not to cry. She took a deep breath as if bracing herself from a blow and then opened the album. On the first page there was a picture of her and Liam. Liam, she thought. Liam....I..I need you more than anything right now. I need you to comfort me like you always did. The picture on the first page was of them together a few years before they were married. Liam and Laura dated for six years before they decided to get married. What Laura loved about Liam was that he was always patient with her; he always took it slow, he took it at the pace that Laura preferred. She couldn't count the times that many of her own friends had to break up with their boyfriends due to the fact that they didn't respect her decisions. Laura had always been thankful that Liam was not one of those type of guys. She couldn't imagine Liam any other way. In the picture, Laura was smiling at the camera but Liam was making a funny face at her. He was sticking his tongue out at her and crinkling his nose at the same time. Laura had tried so hard not to laugh while looking at the camera, but she couldn't hold it and a few seconds before the picture was taken, Laura burst out laughing. So she's looking at the camera but she's laughing her head off. These memories made her eyes fill up with tears and she had only seen the one picture.
The next picture was an ultrasound of Lance. On the next page, there was an ultrasound of Landon. There was a memory of the day that she had found out that she was pregnant. Being a mother had been her dream since she was a teenager. Of course, she wasn't like the type of girls who thought that having a child was easy; she knew it was hard, but she concluded with the statement that it was going to be worth it. When Liam found out, he was ecstatic. He never complained about both babies being boys. She knew of other husbands who did. Honestly, as she looked through the pictures of her husband and her, she realized that he had seemed too perfect for it to be real. If she had told many of her friends that they would have told her that she was reading a romance novel and that it was getting to her head. But Laura knew this wasn't true. Liam was great, everything that she ever hoped for and dreamed for. With him, she formed a family, she formed a home. They were supposed to grow old together.
"We were supposed to grow old together," she whispered to the picture of Liam on the next page of the album. "We were supposed to see our boys grow up together. We were supposed to see them get married together." Tears were already running down her cheek as she touched Liam's picture. But she didn't let it get to her. She wiped away the tears and breathed in deeply. She was determined not to cry as much as she did every time that she looked through the album.
She found another one of Liam with their boys. One of them was when they were toddlers. Then the next that followed were the pictures that were taken when Liam was holding each baby a few hours after they had been born. Despite herself, she began to cry. Tears were running down her cheeks in a steady stream now. After that, she closed the album and left it on the couch. She went to the bookshelf and took out a book. In it were all the letters that Liam had sent her when he had been enlisted in the Army. Taking them slowly and cautiously in her hand, Laura brought them to her chest. She never wanted to let go off them. Even after all these years, they still smelled of him. The book in which the letters were kept was the one that kept the smell from the letters to fade. Laura looked at them and then took the first one. When she was ready, she took the actual letter out of the envelope. Except for a few cars passing by, there was no sign of Landon and Bryan coming back.
She opened the letter and she began to read it, remembering all of the emotions that had gone through her at the time when she received the letter. It read like this:
My Sweet Laura,
I miss you so much. All I can think about when I'm here is whether or not I'll get to see you again. I know that this isn't what you wanted. I know you didn't want me to enlist but here I am. Anyway, I promise that when I'm done with this tour, I'll get out, I honestly don't know the official term. I'm guessing there is one. There's one for almost everything. I want you to know that I think about you all the time and I promise you that I will be here. I promise that I will do whatever I can to make it back safely. I miss your kisses already, your hugs, your laugh, the way that you tuck your hair behind your ear when I'm around. I always thought that it was because I made you nervous or something, but it's one of your habits. I miss the way that your eyes shine when you're happy and when they become dull when you're upset or mad or anything else that's not happiness. I miss everything about you. I feel empty without you. Cliché, I know, but it's true. I wish there was another way I could say the things I want to say, but I don't have the time and the words to say them. I'm really sorry about that. But if it's one thing I can never be more sure of is that I love you. I love you with all my heart and when you're not here, I feel like there's nothing that makes sense to me anymore. I guess that's what love does to a person. Or maybe it just happens to me. I'll be waiting impatiently for your reply to this letter. Thanks for being willing to wait for me. Not many girls do that. Well that's according to the guys I have met here. And speaking of they guys, they say hi. They always make fun of me telling me I'm whipped and stuff like that, but honestly, I couldn't be happier with you. Anyway, I have to go. See you soon.
With much love,
Liam Valentine
A few years later, Liam was honorably discharged. Liam never talked about this part of his life. And Laura never pushed him. It was one of the things that she had to learn to live with. Liam was a great man, but he was quiet too. And when he decided to not talk about anything, there was no way to change his mind. She remembered trying to get it out of him one night, and it ended in an argument, Laura had never seen him so defensive about anything. It took her by surprise. A few hours after the argument, Liam went to her and told her he was sorry. He explained to her that it was just something he wasn't ready to talk about. In the time before the accident, he had begun to tell her a little bit about his time in the Army, but he never got the chance to tell her everything. He was finally about to open up to her but he died. It pissed her off so much. But she knew that there was nothing she could do. There was no point in being mad. What happened, happened and there was no way to change that.
She tucked the letter neatly back in the envelope. She clutched the envelopes to her chest. When she mustered up enough strength, Laura replaced the envelopes in the book that she took it from. She was growing more impatient with each passing minute. Looking out the window for a while kept her busy, although it also kept her worried about Bryan and Landon. After what seemed like eternity, Laura saw both of them walking up the walkway and she reached the door even before they got to it and flung it open. Bryan stood there with a look of surprise on his face. Laura closed the door as soon as both of them were inside the house.
"Where were you two? Why were you guys out for so late? Who were you with? I've been worried sick about both of you." she demanded, trying to sound calm.
Landon spoke up first. "We were with some friends, Mom. Not a big deal. Lance is away and you don't seem to worry about him."
"I worry about both of you. Don't turn this into something it's not."
"Mom, we were with some friends at a restaurant. Just talking."
"Friends?" Laura echoed.
"Yes, Mom. Friends. Lauren and her aunt Emileigh."
Laura relaxed a bit and then apologized to both of them for acting this way. Then after all of this she said, "I'm going to bed. And you guys should go to bed too."
"We will." Landon and Bryan both said at the same time.
With that, Laura saw both of the guys go to their own room. She followed suit. She entered the room and changed into her pj's. When she was sure there weren't any more noises coming from the two rooms, Laura laid in bed staring at the ceiling. Even before she realized it, tears began running down her cheeks. The pain was unbearable.
Nobody knew how hard it was to keep a strong facade when inside she was hurting. It had been thirteen years, and for some unknown reason, she still hadn't healed. Every time she looked at Landon, she saw Liam. Everything about him reminded her of Liam. Lance looked a lot like his father but they had different personalities. Landon both looked like Liam and had the same personality. Maybe that was the answer to why she hadn't healed at all yet. Landon was a good guy. She knew that more than anybody else. Liam was in every movement, every action of Landon's. To say the truth, it killed her to see that Liam was the spitting image of their father. And as much as she tried to ignore that, she couldn't. Landon was her baby, the one who suffered the most from the car accident. It had taken both his father and his sight. But it wasn't only his father. Liam had been Landon's best friend and his accomplice. Laura remembered that Landon went everywhere Liam went. It was as if they were two peas in a pod. When Liam died, the effect on Landon was immediate. He couldn't sleep and he wouldn't eat anything at all. He always screamed for his dad, and it broke Laura's heart in two when she saw this. Landon began losing interests in the things that he was interested in. Laura was sure that he was depressed. There was nothing she could do. But after she found out that he would lose his sight, she tried everything to cheer him up. She took him places he had never been to make sure that Landon would remember them. Landon had a great memory and so he would remember many of the things that Laura had shown him. Even then, she was worried. Now looking at Landon, she saw the same determination on Landon's face that Liam had. She was happy that her son had turned out in the way he had, but at the same time, he reminded her more and more of Liam. She wasn't saying that Landon was the cause of her pain, but it was something that she noticed with each growing day.
Liam was the only thing that she could think about. "Liam," she called out, not hearing the steps that were approaching.
"Liam. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to heal now? God Liam. How? Answer me, Liam. Answer me please."
A few moments of quietness filled the room but her sobs came out more steady and more labored. She couldn't stop it. During the day, she could pull it off to look like nothing bothered her. But all of this caught up to her at night when all the melancholy, the sadness, the resignation, the hurt showed up. She couldn't stop the tears running down her face. And she couldn't stop herself from repeating the name of the man she had loved so long ago and whom she still loved with all her heart.
Every day since the accident, she thought that the pain would at least, if not leave her completely, it wouldn't hurt as much. The hurt and the pain was always going to be there. There was no doubt in her mind that the pain was still going to be there, but she guessed that she expected it to become less and less with time. But as the time passed, she realized that the pain stayed the same. Sometimes, she felt Liam's absence more than at other times. And besides all the times she tried not to cry, tears came out of her eyes regardless. It was hard enough to look at her sons and act like nothing was wrong. But throughout the years, she had managed to make it seem like everything was okay in the world, that there was nothing missing. The fact that Landon was blind made it more difficult. How she wished it had been her and not him. But there was nothing she could do now. There was nothing that would change the outcome of that fateful day.
She didn't notice that there were retreating footsteps. All she heard were her own sobs and her own voice. For once in her life, she questioned whether God had left her to deal with this alone. After a while, she fell asleep.