Forty-five
[Leen]
My heartbeats are louder than my footsteps. One step at a time, with a hand supporting me. I forgot everything I've been preparing for days, and it's suddenly as if I forgot how to speak. It's hard to control my shuddering limps. I keep clasping my hands, my fingernails digging into my skin. My finger are too cold that I think if I don't hold them hard enough they'd fall off.
I hear people talking, whispering, laughing and I hear the flapping of paper. It all increases my anxiety; but also lets me know I've made it, I've succeeded.
The girl by my side walks with me and we're on the stage. She put the microphone in my hand and I tighten my grip around it as if my life depends on it.
Come on Leen, talk!
"At that time, four years ago, when I knew I can never see again, when the impossibility was the only certainty, I wanted to die."
There are supposed to be about five hundred people in front of me now. Some of them are like me, can't see, and some others can. Everyone is listening to me, and suddenly, for the first time in my life I'm not afraid to talk anymore, I'm not shy, and I'm not intimidated by the crowd. Honestly, I feel more confident than ever, I want my voice to get louder, the crowd to get bigger, and my words to seep out of the hall walls and to each person who needs them. I do not want to stop.
"I was haunted by the thoughts that my life had stopped, that I'm living in vain, that at the end I will find nothing to look back to, no results or outcomes. I was terrified that I will live the rest of my life as a ghost of a person, a meaningless addition to human population, an empty name and identity. I was afraid I'd decay somewhere between all those thoughts. Imagining a fruitless life is the scariest thing you can encounter; it makes the heart beat suddenly loud and fast; it hurts."
I approach the table I know is behind me to lean on it, and my fingertips touch a hard edge, a paperback.
"But those thoughts did not stay for long, or you wouldn't have seen me today here, telling you this, discussing my first book, the one most of you read or are about to read. I will not lie and tell you that the entire four years after my surgery were bright and successful, I had gone through terrible times, I had lost it too many times, I had failed and fallen and cried and stumbled and lost my way and hurt people I love. But I always went back on my track. I was not there in that world alone, I had people I love beside me. My husband, my mom and dad, my best friend, my sister and brother, my husband's sister, my husband's best friend and siblings. I have a huge family which I couldn't have kept moving on without. Thinking that your life will become more dependable on others shouldn't be a reason to put you down until you can't do anything at all. You should try to live on no matter what, you have to find your way out of the cage of incapabilities our handicap has put us inside. Now that you'll need more help from people around you, you should be willing to do even more things than normal people, with the greater power you have."
I know everyone I mentioned is seated in front of me, among the crowd, and I wish I can see them and smile at them.
"You won't be completely satisfied, you will always keep wishing you see again. You will keep wanting to see people you love, see words and not touch them, see places, food, TV, even stare at the wall. I do miss all of that, yeah, I miss staring at the wall, tracing cracks, I miss the colours and the sunlight and the way I stack my books. The thing I miss the most is seeing my kids, the ones I've never seen with my eyes, and nothing is harder than missing something you haven't done before."
Sana and Mostafa. My gift from Allah. Sana was like Allah is telling me He hasn't forgotten me, He hasn't stopped his blessings. He is still going to give me more beautiful things.
I gave birth to Sana like eleven months after the Surgery, when I first knew I was pregnant, Adam and I threw a party at home and invited our families over, Mariam and Ahmed were already married at that time.
Adam keeps saying Sana is the most beautiful girl he's ever seen, he hasn't said that about anyone except me, so I can already tell he has never loved anyone like her, until Mostafa came ten months ago and now he loves them equally. Though he keeps telling me that the three of us are the most precious people in his life, I don't mind him loving our children a bit more than me.
Since she was very little, Sana has always been the soft side of my life, and her father's. She's three years old now, Adam has taught her to never leave me alone, and thus I have the prettiest shadow of all times. She keeps combing my hair with her little hands, braiding it, or just brushing the stress away. She would massage Adam's head whenever he has a headache and he'd try to make me jealous saying he's found someone else to do it.
"I want you to know that my life hasn't stopped, neither it ever will until I die, my life only took a new track, an unusual one, but I'll have to keep going on anyway. And so do each one of you, your lives are still worthy and you still have plenty of chances to live. We, those who have lost some very important thing, or were even born with a great loss, have to know that we have even greater gifts, the key to making the best out of our lives is to find that gift, appreciate it, and make use of it."
***
"Today is quite a busy day," Adam says putting my hand around his arm, and I know he's already carrying Mostafa on the other one. I call for Sana, reaching out my hand so she can take it, and we walk out of the hall where I gave my speech to our car in the parking lot.
"Mama, you looked beautiful," Sana says happily as she forms one of her early full sentences.
"Oh did Baba teach you to say that?" I laugh.
"Baba said to me 'Doesn't your mama look beautiful? And I said yes,'"
Adam gives out a hearty laugh, "That was supposed to be a secret Sana."
She gasps and slips her hand from mine and I know she did so to cover her mouth, "It is a secret?"
We recently taught her how important it is to keep secrets and how despicable it is to let any out, so she probably thinks she's committed some unforgivable crime right now.
"But I didn't know," she says in a shock. "Are you upset, Baba?"
Adam laughs even harder, "No honey I'm not. I didn't tell you it was a secret so I'm wrong." She gives out a breath of relief and holds my hand again.
I take my seat in the car and Adam gives me Mostafa, helps Sana get in the back seat, and sits behind the wheel.
"Lee," he says, "I was so proud of you there."
We arrive at my parents' an hour later. I get out of the car cursing the traffic and huffing at the sudden shock of humidity and August hot air. I look around my purse for the keys as we stand getting fried under the merciless sun.
"Mama, hurry, it's too hot," Sana whines next to me.
Adam takes my purse and gives me Mostafa. He finally takes out the key and opens the front gate and we practically run to the front door which he quickly opens. And only when we get inside we are able to breathe.
"Allah, protect us from the Hellfire," I say touching my hot cheeks.
Mama comes downstairs when she hears the noise we made.
"Why did it take you so long to come?" she says. "We were back like thirty minutes ago.
"People wouldn't let Leen go so we had to wait," Adam says.
"Let's go upstairs, everyone's going to be here soon," Mama says taking Mostafa from me. "Come here you little prince, did you miss Teta?"
Sana runs to Mama and gives her a kiss, and no matter how hard I try to be positive, I more than anything wish I could watch this scene now.
I hear mama and the kids going upstairs, her telling Sana she's baked her her favourite carrot cake.
"I think she forgot about us," Adam says and it cracks me up how miserable he sounds.
"We're old news now yubo," I nod.
"I think yubo sounds weirdly natural, like an Arabic word."
"Habibi we have a dictionary full of strange words." I put my hand on his arm and we go upstairs.
"Baba we're here!" Adam says.
"Come in honey," I hear Baba saying.
"Adam," I whisper, "I don't think it is you who Baba called 'honey'."
"Well, I was just about to say that."
We walk toward my parents' room and hear the sound of the TV and Sana running to father.
"Of course she was the honey," I snort.
"Do you think they'll even notice if we leave?" Adam says.
"Ahhh I feel like an outcast in my parents' house."
"Abed!" I call out. He comes out to the living area.
"Ah you're here!" he says joyfully.
"Adam! My beautiful brother acknowledged us!"
"Where are the kids though?" Abed asks.
Do you that sound of a cockroach in the middle of the night you hear when someone feels lonely, unloved and miserable? Yeah? I can almost hear that sound in the middle of the day, being surrounded by everyone.
Abed, Adam and I stay in the living area watching TV while mom and Sana are in the kitchen downstairs bringing some carrot cake and tea. Father comes out of his room with Mostafa.
Abed's phone rings and I hear him getting up.
"Ooohh, look who's seeking privacy," Adam cheers.
"I'm not seeking privacy," Abed retorts, "I'm just moving away from the TV. Asslamu'alikom Habiba."
Adam nudges me playfully and I turn Abed's way knowing Adam and father are doing the same.
"Ah sure, wait," Abed says through the phone. "Lee, she wants to talk to you."
"Me?" I ask as Abed puts the phone in my hand. "Oh Habiba! How are you?"
Habiba is a girl who's came to work in father's company a bit less than a year ago, Abed has gradually grown feelings for her, and a couple of months ago he asked if she would agree if we asked for her hand. A week later, he went with my parents to ask for her hand and their engagement is tomorrow.
"Leena!" she says cheerfully.
The first time we met, Abed told her my name is Leen, but later that day she'd forget and called me Leena since it's more common in Egypt. It was kind of embarrassing for her to say my name wrongly but it was also fun and ever since that day she calls me Leena to tease me.
"I saw pictures of today's event on social media, you were amazing! Mashallah! I was really proud I know you personally." she says.
"I'm happy to hear that! Thank you habibti. Well now you're the star since your engagement is tomorrow inshallah."
"Don't get me started on what they're doing to me at home," she sighs. "Mama keeps making all kinds of natural masks she can find on the internet and forces me to wear them, my sister is starving me so I can fit into the dress and father keeps telling me I should sleep early so I can look fine tomorrow. They are killing me!"
I laugh, "Well, that's the price of being the first daughter to get married, they try for the first time, and they get a bit obsessed. We were like that too when Jenin was getting married."
"I can understand how she felt."
***
That night at home, we keep looking for something to wear for Abed's engagement.
"I think I'll wear the black suit," Adam says opening his closet.
"Which black one?" Seriously? He has like fifteen black suits.
"The Daniel Hechter one, the one I got two months ago."
"Aha, that one's good," I say, "I remember how it feels like." He lets out a short breath of a smile.
"What would you like to wear?"
"What about the black dress?" I say. "And I have only two black dresses so I'll wear the new one."
"Okayy," he says and I hear him searching through a drawer. "What are you doing?"
"Matching accessories," he says. "Ah found a perfect necklace. You know I'd make a really good fashion designer."
"Yeah, thanks to me."
"What about the kids anyway?" he asks, "We've been too busy to buy them anything."
"Mariam has already brought them clothes when she was shopping for Yousef." Yousef is Mariam and Ahmed's son! He's two years old.
"Ohh my sister is really considerate."
"Sometimes I actually think she's more of my sister? Come on, you haven't called her in ten days."
"It's been ten days already? Time is scary."
"I think your work is what's really scary."
"I think our kids are," he says thoughtfully. "When was the last time we got a full night sleep? We'll be turning zombies soon enough."
"I'd be cute even as a zombie, you're too lucky yubo."
"When did you learn to say such things?"
"Mama!" Sana says coming into our bedroom.
"Yes dear," I help her climb the bed, following her sound.
"Tell me a story, I can't sleep."
"Why can't you sleep?" I match her baby tone.
"I don't know," she says and crouches by my side.
"Okay then," I wrap my arms around her.
"Baba can you bring me the new storybook from the bookshelf?"
Adam hands me a Braille book I've written for the kids lately. I turn the cover and pass my fingers over the letters and start reading to sleepy Sana.
Just when she starts falling alseep Mostafa begins to cry.
"I'll take that," Adam says getting up.
I hear him walking around trying to make Mostafa sleep. He sings lullabies for him, and although he sounds weird and off tone, I feel peaceful listening to him. The emerald necklace feels as if it's burning around my neck, as if summoning our memories and years, and calling for me to touch it.
It's been around seven years. Seven of the best years of my life. If I were to plan my own life it would have never turned out so good, that's why everyday I get to understand more why we trust Allah, and why we should. Now it's not only something I know I must do and do because it's the right thing, I experienced how it feels to trust Him. He never ever lets us down.
I wake up in the morning when Salam calls me.
Salam is now married to Hazem. They don't live in Egypt, or Palestine, or anywhere. They live everywhere. They travel every year to help people in need of medical care. Hazem checks them for free, does operations, gives out medicine and so. Salam teaches their children if they speak Arabic or English and by now she's learned Urdu as well and she keeps learning. They work under some huge organisation. I'm indescribably happy my best friend has found her own life, career, passion, and her own Adam.
Adam has changed from a name to my thoughts of a perfect man. And every girl deserves her own Adam.
"Morning Mama!" Salam says through the phone. That's what she's been calling me since I gave birth to Sana.
"Morning," I smile, shaking the sleepiness off.
"What time is it now in Egypt?"
"Adam just left a short while ago so it must be around 8:30."
"That's too early! I thought you'd be with Abed and your parents now; I wanted to talk to them."
"Abed hates you for not being here on such a day," I tease her. He's been quite disappointed though, she's a real sister to him now.
"Abed cannot hate me! Stop trying to get between us old Mama."
"Fine you call him and see what happens! I bet he'll hang up." I laugh quietly.
"I was wrong to call you in the first place, I'll call Mama."
"Aren't I Mama?"
"I mean mom mom, our mom."
"You guys all make me feel really outcasted!" I laugh out loud. "We went to visit them yesterday after my event, and they totally ignored Adam and I! They only cared about Sana and Mostafa."
"Do you actually expect better treatment?" She snorts, "Honey, you're old news now."
"You--"
"How did the fan meeting go anyway?"
"I think it was great," I smile, "I wouldn't have asked for more. Though I was really stressed. When I started talking I thought my legs would give way and I would faint, then I started talking and I forgot people even existed around me."
"You're stressed every time then it goes well," she says knowingly. "I always know you'll do great."
"Alhamdulillah."
"Hazem and I have planned to visit Egypt this fall," she says joyously. "I can't wait till we have so much fun!"
"OH MY GOD! Are you serious?" I gasp. "God I missed you so much!"
"I swear I miss you more! I keep talking to you in my head when I can't call. I think I've become finally crazy."
"I do that too!" I scream. "I thought I have lost my mind."
I know we're both trying so hard not to cry, I know she's hiding it and she knows I'm hiding it too. Because talking about how much you miss someone when there's nothing to do will only hurt more, and crying over the phone will only add to the pain. I want her to stay by my side forever, but I also want her to never be in the same place for long, or twice; I want her to stay away from anything old, anything that brings her bad memories. It's too hard when you're dying to hold on to someone knowing that will only end up hurting them. I trust Hazem with her; he knows what she's been through and he's too considerate. He suggested traveling and she couldn't be happier, he takes care of her as if she's his child not only wife, and he treats her like a princess. I don't know what kind of spell she's done for him, but he's totally heads over heels for her.
This is what each and every girl should expect. No less. Put a hundred thousand lines under that. A girl should know that she either takes the finest there is or takes nothing at all, she should never settle for anything, or for less than she is worthy of. Your life does not stop at marriage, but it takes a new direction, so no one wants to choose recklessly and regret it for the rest of their life. Allah will do the best for everyone, but we should be reasonable as well. I did not go blindly after Adam, I had a lot of thinking and self interrogation to do. Do you see him as the best? I asked myself. Is there anything better you're waiting for? What if it's all a façade and he's not that good? At that point I had to pray and do lots of istikharas because it's out of my hand to know. Adam proved himself too. Girls, go for the one who'd protect you from himself before others, the one who'll put your relationship with Allah before you relationship together, the one whose eyes say it all, the one who makes you nervous and ridiculously happy. Go for the person you'd be happy to know you'll see everyday, and who respects you more than you respect your own self. You need a person who's well off with your family and who loves to be around them. A real man wants you to be successful for your own good and who'll be as proud of you as your father. A real man is jealous over his wife, not from her. A real man wants to call you wife, not girlfriend.
Don't settle for any less, because we all already deserve more. Think of all the times you've had hard times learning, working or simply dealing with people. Think of all the times you thought stress would kill you and had to yet push yourself harder. Think of the times you left your favourite movie (or in my case Kdrama) and got up to do your work when you already feel shitty. Think of crying but only thinking of moving forward, of being sick and yet leaving every morning for work, college, or school. Think of the times you've mentally tortured yourself when you messes up in something, and how hard it was to stand up once again. Think of everything you went through, and never let anyone take what you've reached from you.
It wasn't easy to be where I am, and thus I wasn't taking someone who'd dwarf my achievements and stack me aside like antiques. We are not antiques in our houses, we're the real owners. So make sure to build a house where you're not put aside. Build a house with someone who'd raise you up inside of put you down.
Do not reflect the light, glow.
We do not need someone to make us feel important, we are important anyway. Even when there's no one good enough for you, you know you're good enough for yourself.
I will continue to illuminate even with my eyes closed. Allah has sent me Adam, who'll only take me higher and never leave me to fall.
I wish every girl would find her own definition of my Adam. And I wish everyone knows that it's either the best of the best or nothing at all, because a girl is better off alone than with the wrong person.
***
Abed and Habiba are putting the rings on. I focus on all the voices around me, my family and Adam's, our friends' and relatives'. Each voice I hear bring memories to me, forcing me to remember how things progress.
I've turned twenty-nine, Adam is now thirty-two! We've grown up so much, and everyone has. Abed is getting engaged and soon getting married. Mariam and Ahmed are married and Yousef is just like my son, not my friend's son. Salam is traveling around the world, living her dream with Hazem. Jenin's daughter Dema is now five, and she has a younger brother, Aly, who's three years old. Omar and Hend are a few years away from forty and their kids have grown up so beautifully. Malek is now eleven, Aisha is seven. Aunt Laila will never stop treating me like a real mother in law, but every time something happens she assures me that we're a family for real. Aya is now a twenty-five-year-old beautiful interior designer, who's become a really close friend to me over the years.
It's scary what a few years can do, and it's scary how people grow up and old quickly. Maybe it's not growing that's quick, maybe it's our memories that are slow. They keep us stuck in the past, comparing everything with what was yesterday.
I'll always keep saying that life is not perfect, but its imperfections make it worth living, make it an experience worth going through.
~~~
I'm too nervous about publishing this chapter although it's not the last. I wanted it to be strong and I don't know if it turned out to be so, but I'll be hopeful :D
Maybe not much happened but we got to know about their life later. Hopefully the coming chapter will hold some surprises.
You see, at first I was thinking that the coming part would be an epilogue but then found it seems more like a proper chapter so we have another chapter left!
I want to keep apologising forever for making you wait for that long :( but I really couldn't finish writing this chapter until now.
This journey is coming to an end and it makes me sad and happy at the same time, but the thing I'm certain about is that I loved writing this book, and I loved you guys reading it and commenting.
Hope you're having a good day!
Thanks for reading <3