I'm wearing a slim black dress that my mom forced me to wear and I hate it. I spent today with my father who lives in Brooklyn with a new wife, who has a daughter, and their dog Corby. We went shopping and to baseball game since Blaze favourite team was playing. I don't see my dad much, he's got a different life and never approved of how much my mom pushed me to dance and how invested I am in this sport. He thinks I should be doing other things with my life than just dancing, normal things for an 18 years old, but he stopped pushing when I left for the academy, he knew he couldn't change my mind. He lost the custody battle for Blaze's guard over my mom, so he only sees him once a week and I know he hates that. He invited me over for thanksgiving diner with Blaze but I had to refuse because I told my mom I would spend thanksgiving with her. I could see he was sad that I didn't call much and came to visit him more, and it made me sad too. And now I'm at a thanksgiving party with a lot of important people I don't know and it's so boring the only time I almost had fun since I arrived was when an old lady talked to me about her five dogs. I was hoping this thanksgiving would be family only, but I guess my mother had other plans. Graham is here too, which doesn't surprise me since his family is friends with Brad's. He's been giving me death stares all night, walking around with a girl who's clearly six years older than him, minimum! I'm sitting on a chair in a corner, feeling very uncomfortable in my dress, trying to text Alaska in the subtlest way. Blaze is running around with a little girl in a lilac dress and I don't want to break his game by calling him over so he can keep me company. A guy in a suit walks up to me, his glass of champagne almost empty, and I suspect it wasn't his first.
-Wow, you are gorgeous! He says while sitting on the chair next to me.
I give him a small smile and look away.
-I mean it! You're really something!
-Thank you, I say with what not a single drop of kindness in my words.
I want him to leave, I preferred when it was boring.
-So, I was wondering, could I, maybe, buy you a drink sometimes?
-I'm under aged, I answer.
-Well, that doesn't really matter, you know! This is New York!
-I'm in a relationship anyway, I say, hoping this will shut him up.
-Me too, but they don't have to know, he says while leaning in close to me.
I get up and leave, and I see Graham looking back and forth between the guy and me. I climb the emergency stairs all the way up to the roof, which is like 7 stories of stairs. My feet hurt because of those stupid heals I'm wearing, so I take them off and throw them away somewhere between the fourth and fifth row of stairs. When I push open the door to the roof, the cold wind hit me, freezing me from head to toe in a half-second. I look at the shining city, and maybe five minutes of freezing later I hear the door open.
-You're not going to jump, are you? Graham asks in my back.
-No, I'm not, I answer without looking at him.
He walks up to me and stands next to me, but with a good 8 inches of distance between us. I'm so cold I'm shaking and my teeth are chattering. Graham is moving next to me and the next second he's putting his jacket on my shoulders.
-Thanks, I say.
We are silent again. Down below I see a little yellow taxi stopping in front of a apartment building. A guy walks out of the car with what looks like flowers, but I'm so high up and the light is so bad that it could also be a shovel. A girl runs into his arms and I figure he's got flowers in his hand. They kiss on the edge of the street before getting in the taxi.
-It's louder than at home, Graham says.
-Home? I ask. Which one?
-The academy of course.
I sight. I don't feel at home there. Here either to be honest.
-I beat up that guy that was bothering you.
-No you didn't, I answer with a tired voice.
-No, I didn't.
Silence again.
-I heard you talk to him. You said you were in a relationship.
-I lied, I answer with the same tired and bored voice. I was trying to make him go away.
-Oh, ok.
Silence. Long awkward silence.
-So you're not seeing anyone?
I sight.
-Thanks for the jacket, Graham.
I give him back the jacket and turn around, but he softly grabs my wrist and make me stop walking. I turn to face him and for the first time since he arrived on the roof I look at him in the eyes. His eyes are full of tears.
-We were good together, Olivia, he says in a broken voice. We were really good together!
I pull my hand away gently.
-No Graham, I answer. We were comfortable. And I don't want comfortable, I want furry and passion and adventure. And it wasn't fair for me to stay with you, not like that.
-We could still have that! Furry and passion and whatever bullshit you want!
I sight.
-The fact that you call it bullshit just shows me that you don't really care, and I don't want someone who's doesn't care. I'm sorry.
I walk away, wrapping my arms around myself because of the cold.
-I hope you find it, he calls behind my back. I hope you find the love you're looking for.
I give him a small smile.
-I have, I mutter to myself.
I walk in the heated building. When I get downstairs I find Blaze past out of exhaustion on a sofa. I wrap my arms around him, pulling him up in my arms. He wraps his legs around my hips, his arms around my neck, his head bouncing on my shoulder every step I take. I walk up to my mother who's laughing loudly with some of Brad's coworkers I suppose.
-I'm taking Blaze home, I tell her.
-You're leaving already? But we haven't had desert yet!
-He too tired. I'm going home. Enjoy your party.
I walk away with my brother and I hear my mom running after me in her heals.
-I'll take him home, she says. Go have fun.
-No mom, I answer. It's your party, your thanksgiving. I never come here anymore, and the only time I do, you force me to come to a stupid party instead of spending time with our family. I should have gone to dad's house. He may have another life, but he still knows what family means.
-Oh darling come on!
-No mom, that's it! I'm done. Good night.
The elevator door closes right in her face and Blaze whine a little in my arms, turning his head. I stroke his hair and he calms down. Twenty minutes later I lay him in his pirate shape bed, taking off his shoes, bow tie and suit. I pull the blanket up to his chin and he turns around, one arm around the neck of his teddy bear. I give him a kiss and walk to my room. I leave tomorrow in the morning and sincerely I can't wait to get out of here and back in the arms of my girl.
***
The plane lands at 9am, which makes me late for class. Graham wasn't on the same flight as I, so I guess he took one earlier. At the arrivals spot I'm surprise to see Alaska waiting for me with a sheet of paper written "babygirl" on it and a white rose. I run and jump in her arms, breathing in her scent and kissing her in front of everyone. In the very American way, everybody applause, probably thinking we've been apart for weeks! I smile when I hear the applause and she laughs.
-You see, it's not good keeping it a secret, she says. People like us together!
-I like us together, I answer while sliding an arm around her waist and walking toward the exit.
We walk out in the pale sun, and I realize home is not where you grew up or where you live now, home is two arms and a beating heart that loves you as much as you love them.