Oakley
I felt sick to my stomach that we were almost back in England. Our perfect holiday was officially over. Cole and I would have to pretend that nothing was going on for a little while.
I had to figure out how Dad would react when we told everyone. Would he be okay with me and Cole being together? He'd already acknowledged that I was growing up, and he was giving me more freedom. I'd been two years since it stopped. Was he really ready to let me go? I hoped so. I wanted that more than anything.
Cole watched out of the window with a sad smile. What was he thinking? When it came to the two of us, I had no idea what was going through his mind.
I sat back in my seat and tried to act as if not knowing what was going on with him wasn't sending my mind spinning. "I hate the end of holidays," Mia grumbled, flopping down in Jasper's empty beside me. "The plane home is the most depressing thing ever."
I can't agree more. Reality was the worst. I would rather live in that holiday state where everything was perfect forever. Nothing was perfect, though. I knew that. I couldn't even fool myself into believing that I could have that, not even now. I was too damaged to have anything touch me and stay perfect. All I could hope was that I didn't taint Cole.
"How'd it go?" Cole asked Jasper, smirking as he sat down on Mia's seat in the row beside ours.
I don't even want to know.
Jasper's eyes lit up, and he slammed his fist into his chest. "I just joined the mile high club!"
Yes, I definitely didn't want to know. I grimaced and looked past Cole and out of the window. If I had to hear about it I was going to jump.
"Of course you did!" Mia scoffed. Mia and Jasper argued like brother and sister. She hated his womanising but sympathised with the reason behind it. Jasper gave up on his cheating ex. Mia couldn't bring herself to do the same.
"Jealousy doesn't suit you, Mia."
"You think I'm jealous of you screwing some random in a stinking, dirty plane toilet? Wow, you really are up your own arse," she argued, shaking her head.
"Firstly, the toilet didn't smell, and secondly, I got her name first, so she wasn't random. It was one of the best experiences of my life. The girl could sure—"
"Thank you!" Cole snapped. "We don't need your details, man."
I pressed my leg against his and smiled, thanking him for stopping my brother talking. Jasper didn't have a filter for when he was in the company of people who might not want to hear about his exploits.
For the rest of the plane ride, I cloud watched out of the window. Cole, Jasper and Mia bickered. Occasionally I'd listen in and want to jump again. I loved them all, but they were crazy.
Cole laughed at Jasper's stories a few times, and it made me wonder if he wanted to do those things, like having sex outside or on a plane. That really wasn't for me. Cole had made sex feel normal and beautiful, but I didn't think I would ever be one of those people that had to have it everywhere.
I just hoped that I could be enough for him.
***
The plane landed too soon, and I followed my family down the stairs and into the airport. All I wanted to do was get back on and fly back to Italy. Cole seemed to sense my mood and stepped closer to me, offering his support. It helped.
I hoped that we'd get to spend some time alone before we told everyone. Everything would change then. We wouldn't be allowed to be alone in our rooms, and Dad would be checking up on us all the time. I worried about how everyone would react. I knew some people wouldn't understand why he'd want to be with me. I didn't either. Would people act differently towards him? Would anyone go as far as trying to convince him he can do better?
I rubbed the ache in my chest. Cole loved me, and I had to trust that I was enough in his eyes. It didn't matter that I didn't feel enough, that wasn't my decision to make.
"It's gonna be okay," he whispered smoothly into my ear. I nodded in agreement, although I wasn't convinced.
Once everyone had their bags we walked to the long stay car park where we'd left the cars. "Are you coming with me, Oakley?" Mia asked as she unlocked her car.
I nodded and handed my suitcase to Dad's outstretched hand. All I had left was the car journey. Home was fast approaching, and I needed every last second before I got there.
Me and Cole got in the back, and Mia threw her keys to Jasper.
"You drive," she called.
My eyes widened in alarm. I wanted to switch cars. Jasper drove like a stereotypical boy racer, and I really didn't know how he hadn't caused an accident or got a speeding ticket yet.
"Buckle up, kids," Jasper chirped, smiling with exaggerated, crazy round eyes.
Although I knew he was only trying to scare us, I double checked my belt. Then checked again. Whoever gave him his licence should be fired. Gripping the door handle as Jasper revved the engine, I said a silent prayer and closed my eyes.
By the time we got home, it was getting dark. The sky was a dark moody blue, the shade it usually turned before a storm. It made me miss Italy even more. While everyone fussed around getting the suitcases out of the cars, I wrapped my jacket around myself as I felt all the anxieties and fears inside of me resurface.
Back to normal. I could've cried.
"Right, we'd better get inside," Dad ordered, with what felt like a pointed look at me. "We all could do with an early night."
That meant I couldn't hang out with Cole anymore tonight.
"Yes," Mum agreed.
Cole pulled me into his arms. No one even batted an eyelid because the hug looked like a friendly one we'd shared a million times before. Only Cole and I knew what it meant now. "I'll see you in the morning. I love you," he whispered in my ear. My heart soared.
I love you, too.
We smiled at each other as we started walking in opposite directions to our houses. Mum unlocked the front door and ushered us inside. "You tired, love?" she asked.
I nodded, and she kissed my cheek.
"Okay, off to bed then."
I wasn't going to argue. Spending the evening with Mum and Dad wasn't something I was going to do, and Jasper would just play his computer until he collapsed.
Dad didn't go to kiss me, too, so I gave him and Jasper a quick wave, and legged it upstairs. I changed into my pyjamas and climbed straight into bed. Stretching out my arms and legs like a starfish, I suddenly wished Cole was with me. My bed was big and cold, and I didn't like it.
As soon as I pulled the cover up to my chin and wrapped it around me like a cocoon, my phone beeped. Cole.
'I miss you! Doesn't feel right you're not with me. Be ready at eight tomorrow. I love you so much. X'
I couldn't wait until eight o'clock, whatever it was for. I clicked reply and contemplated sending I love you.
How bad could it be to send one text message?
Clutching my chest, I dropped the phone on the bed with a soft thud and pressed my face into the pillow. It hurt so bad my body shook with silent sobs.
You can't. Not ever.
I knew how bad it would be.