Two more calls came from Jeff. I did the exact same thing. As soon as I heard the operator trying to connect a call from England, I hung up. One more letter came. I ripped it up and threw it away as I had the others. After that two weeks passed with no word. Then three. It was the end of May, by then and the orchards were abundant with white and pink petals. They had blossomed two weeks before and it was just as Mary and I said; the petals fell in little, soft snow flurries whenever we walked under the orchard. I had hoped for the same at my new house, once my garden matured. I had spent the morning with Mary and Frank. I was planning on seeing Tom in the afternoon. My feelings for Tom were growing and I loved going into town and walking the perimeter of Mirror lake with him, holding hands and talking. I thought maybe I was falling in love with him.
Mary and Frank were having so much fun with Charlie now. He'd try to escape from Frank, holding on to the sofa and cruising around, laughing hysterically as Frank pretended to try to catch him. In Frank's eyes there was nothing Charlie couldn't do. That morning we had been at the table with Charlie in his high chair. He was eating little pieces of fresh bread with grape jelly spread on top. His little cheeks were sticky purple as he devoured the food. Frank was beside him drinking coffee, having toast and reading the newspaper. Suddenly, Charlie began babbling. At first it was to himself, but then he stared at Frank and raised his voice babbling different consonants and sounds.
Mary turned from the sink where she was washing dishes. She laughed. "Frank, I think you're boy is talking with you."
Frank folded the paper and put it on the table.
"Yes, little boy what is it that you need?"
Charlie stopped babbling, looked at Frank with a serious expression. Then he changed the tone of his babble to match Frank's intonation. Frank pretended they were in a conversation and listened intently, Charlie gestured and then stopped babbling. Mary and I stood watching and laughing, but Charlie was not distracted. He waited for Frank's turn.
"Well, it's going to be nice today little boy, should we go out to the farm and pet the goats?"
Charlie smiled and his eyes twinkled. Then he babbled a short stream of consonants. They went on like this for about five minutes until Charlie looked at me and did a sideways wave "bye-bye." I walked over and kissed his sticky cheeks. Mary had a wet washcloth and as she tried wiping him clean, he squirmed and fussed and started crying. Once she finished he was back to his twinkle-eyed self. He raised his arms to Frank to pick him up, as if to say "I'm ready grandpa, let's go out to the farm." We were all so delighted with him.
Frank teased, "well your boy and I have some work to do. Just us men." Charlie kept waving by to me.
I went over to him and kissed him "bye—bye sweetheart."
He watched me over Frank's shoulder as they walked out the yard. He waved his little bye bye the whole way while Mary and I waved exaggerated waves back and said "bye-bye" over and over.
"That boy has us around his finger," I said to her.
She smiled, "what time are you seeing Tom?"
"Later this afternoon. I'm going to work on the garden before we go out."
"It's coming along so beautifully. I'm surprised at how much is coming up already. You're such a talented gardener."
"Well, thank you. What time should we pick up Charlie?"
"He's welcome to stay here. You know he does very well overnight."
"I don't want you to think—"
"Eve, you're relationship with Tom is perfectly respectable. I know that. I wouldn't think anything."
"But, it would look..."
"I supposed you're right."
"We'll get him at eight." I said.
"All right, dear."
It was warm out in the garden, but I could see rain clouds in the distance. I turned the soil in preparation for planting the rose bushes. I marked the semi-circles in the rose garden with stones and it took some time arranging them so that they were spaced right to accommodate their eventual size. It took quite some time and I stood and thought about how to select the colors and whether to mix bushes so there was a randomness or to keep them in order. I was leaning towards one color per row. I couldn't decide.
Then I moved to the wildflower garden. The little flowers were coming up, especially the daisies. I loved the random order of them and knew that I would have a pretty swath of land full of bright colors. Poppies, daisies, lupine, cosmos. I stared out at the field for a long time. I was content in my life. It was everything Mary and I had predicted. I smiled when I thought back on those early days. Just getting to know each other. My relationship with Mary was one of those relationships like I had with Carmen, trying to have some restraint but really wanting to talk to each other every minute. Just as with Carmen we gave into it and kept talking. Even after all the time together we still have so much to discuss. I also found it so fulfilling to have people to share in my love for Charlie. To be as proud, sometimes prouder. Like earlier, that morning in the kitchen. He ate it up, and I knew all our love made for a happy baby.
Little raindrops hit my face here and there and so I carried the tools to the shed and put them away. As I walked around the side of the house, I saw Jeff Lambert's car in the driveway. I stood frozen, in shock. He wasn't inside the vehicle so I realized he must have been at the door or walking around the house. I felt as if lighting had burned through my whole body. My urge was to run. I questioned myself. Run to where? Why run, he won't hurt me? It'll just be another fight. It would just force me to do the thing I had avoided. Tell Frank. But, it was time to tell him anyway. Then what could Jeff do?
I walked into the house and I saw him; there on the other side of the front door screen. I went to the door and spoke to him through the screen.
"What do you want?" I said flatly.
"Let me in Eve."
"I don't have to."
"Yes Eve, you do."
"Why are you here?"
"Didn't you read my letters?"
I raised my eyebrows as if I didn't care at all about what he had to say, "No, I ripped them up and threw them in the garbage."
"Just like you hung up when I tried calling you from England?"
"From your mother-in-law's house."
"Yes. As a matter of fact." At that he opened the screen door, pushed me aside and walked in.
I was so shocked by his brazen act that I conceded a little bit. "Tell me what you want. Tell my why you keep threatening to destroy what I have. Why you drove all this way and invaded a town that I've made my home? Tell me and then leave! Don't come back!"
"Eve, why are you so angry? We had a wonderful time in Eugene."
"That's what you think. That's what you say."
"We're at the end of the line here. My offer is about to expire."
I couldn't help but laugh. He seemed so weak to me. Desperate almost. His handsomeness was fading with his confidence.
"Are you still with Margaret?"
"Of course."
"Of course." I rolled my eyes and shook my head. I walked over to the window and looked out at what was mine. "Of course you are." I whispered. "And you always will be." I turned to him. "Please get out of my life. I no sooner believe you love Charlie than I believe you love me."
He walked closer but stayed a reasonable distance, "Eve this is the last time I ask you to do the right thing by Charlie. My son Charlie."
I felt so much anger and disregard for him. "Well, that's a relief. Then this will be the last time I have to say no to you're ridiculous offer."
"That's the third time you've called me ridiculous Eve. Is that what you think? You're entitled to speak to me that way? You think I'm ridiculous?"
"I don't want you. Can't you understand that?"
At that he took a few steps and approached me. He stood very close to me. So much so that I was backed against the wall. I could smell his spicy scent and it was close enough to feel his breath on me. "Jeff. What are you doing?"
"I'm tired of it Eve."
I tried to move out of his reach, but at that he took me by the arms and held me, pushed me against the wall. He bent forward and kissed me. Not passionately but this other way that scared me. I kept trying to turn my face, but his body was crushing me. Finally, I pulled away enough to get some room in between us.
"Let go of me Jeff. " I struggled but he held me there against the wall. "Jeff why would you do this?" I tried to push my arms to make room between us. I was crying and his expression didn't change. It was the same one I had described to Carmen over a year ago. It was hatred.
Finally, I managed to get out of his reach. I ran upstairs and he followed. He didn't run. He just walked behind me. I went into my room, closed the door and grabbed the key from the jewelry box on the dresser. I tried to put the key into the lock. My hand was shaking so hard, I couldn't keep it still enough to fit it in the keyhole. I knew if I could get it locked he wouldn't be able to get in. If I couldn't get it locked, he would enter my room and take me against my will. My mind was racing. It was like a terrible dream where I couldn't believe what was happening. I finally got it into the hole, but just as I did, I heard the doorknob turn and I started crying. I tried to hold the door shut but it didn't take much for his strength to over power me.
"What are you going to do to me? Jeff, please don't. Please. Please."
"Go lay down on the bed Eve."
"I won't," I yelled. "I won't ever do what—"
I couldn't finish my sentence because his hands were on my shoulders again, this time squeezing hard. He pushed me backwards towards the bed; I lost my footing and fell to the floor. He pulled me up so violently by my arms that I let out a cry in pain. "You're hurting me."
I struggled to get free again, but once he had me standing, he pushed me hard on to the bed. As I tried to sit up, he pushed me down and got on top of me.
"Please Jeff. I'm sorry. Please don't." I kept struggling to get myself free from him. "I'm sorry I didn't read the letters. Let me make you some coffee and you can tell me what they said."
Still he didn't speak.
"Please Jeff" I was crying hysterically and struggling against him. He held me and pressed his body down on me harder. "Please say something to me."
"You're a whore." He whispered and at that, still holding me down with on arm over my chest almost across my neck, and with the weight of his body on me, his elbow pressing so hard on my upper arm it ached horribly. I realized that it was going to happen. That I couldn't stop him from forcing himself on me. "You're a whore," he said again. This time glaring at me.
"I'm not," I whispered.
He was so intent on what he was doing he didn't say anything. He pulled my dress and slip up high enough that he could penetrate me. As soon as he did I felt a tearing pain, my body didn't want him and it wasn't prepared for intercourse. I screamed and turned my head to the side. He took his hand and turned my head back so I was facing him. Held it firmly in place as I struggled against him, crying in pain. He was clasping my face so forcefully, that he caused bruises around the bottom of my face. He watched my expression as he hurt and humiliated me so much. When he finished, he moved off me, stood up and pulled his pants up. I turned and wept violently into the pillow.
"Eve, get up" he ordered.
"What more do you want?" I cried my face still buried in the pillow. My body feeling a pain I'd never felt. I had so much shame. I felt battered and later I would see my arms had deep red finger marks that turned to bruises, and my face was bruised under my chin.
"I said get up. We need to talk."
I turned and looked at him. "I have nothing to say to you. I hate you!" I screamed the words.
"Get a hold of yourself and come downstairs so we can talk."
"Why should I listen to anything you say or tell me to do? Ever again?! Why should I?!"
"Because I'm going to get you help. Eve, you are prone to these fits of anger and melancholy. It's getting increasingly worse. I'm not the only one concerned about your emotional state."
"What are you talking about?" I couldn't stop shaking or crying. I pulled myself up and pulled my skirt back down below my knees. I sat up on the side of the bed, my head in my hands. I was keenly aware of his position, standing while I sat, meek and frightened.
"You hurt me, Jeff." I cried and looked up and him, "Why did you hurt me? Why do you hate me so much?" I whispered, "Why do you hate me?" over and over. He didn't answer. Finally, I looked at him, I knew my hair was wet and matted around my wet cheeks. My dress was pulled out of shape and the top buttons undone revealing my slip. I tried to button my dress but I was trembling. "I feel so much shame. Please answer me, do you hate me?"
"You have always been spirited and after our argument in Eugene when you became violent and hysterical—
"I didn't—You were the one. You pushed me down, you twisted my arm in the car. And today. Just now you forced me—"
"I forced you?"
I shook my head in disbelief. All I could do was cry "I'm so ashamed."
"Eve, You need some time to get your emotions in control. To recuperate and become more mentally competent."
I stood up and faced him. The anger was spilling over again. "You're the one who's crazy. You're not my husband! You think you've so much power over me, but what power does a married man have over his mistress? You're not even on Charlie's birth certificate!"
He grabbed me by the shoulders again and roughly led me to the vanity. "Look at yourself in the mirror. Don't tell me you are a woman in control of her emotions. "
"You did this to me! It's because of you! You made me look like this!" I started sobbing again and ran over to the bed and cried into the pillow, "Why are you doing this?" I asked in muffled cries.
Jeff walked over to me and sat beside me on the bed. For a moment I thought it was going to be one of the times that he comforted me; I thought he would stroked my hair and gently turned me towards him. I thought he'd lean down and kiss me softly. Say "It's all right, beautiful Eve." I felt so crazy and my body felt so battered, I was shaking and in that moment I wanted him to. I wanted him to touch me and tell me he loved me.
"Eve, look at me," he said.
I turned and I must have looked at him with such vulnerability that for a moment I saw a deep remorse in his face. It was like the moment in the car after he'd held my wrists when he was asking himself, what was he doing? Had he gone crazy? I waited for him to comfort me.
"You're right. I'm not your husband, but I'm Charlie's father and I can't have him raised by a woman who was so melancholic that she didn't leave her house for a year. Don't you remember when we first met?"
What he said hadn't caught up with me because my expectation for his compassion had been so great. "Of course, but I got better."
"You haven't made good judgments since I met you. And now you're in no condition to fulfill your obligations as a mother."
I sat up. We were close to each other on the bed. If not for the gravity of our conversation it would have seemed like any other time we'd been together, except for what he'd had done to me. "What are you saying, Jeff?"
"I need to think about what's best for Charlie right now."
"I don't understand."
"I spoke with Frank Lawrence a little while ago, showed him the pictures and explained your wildly vacillating states; he was worried for Charlie too. I told him that you're having another episode. That things have fallen apart again."
I shook my head. I appealed to our history together. That we'd loved one another at one time. That we have a child together, "but you know that's not true."
"You named Frank as Charlie's guardian should something happen to you. Frank thinks it would be best for Dr. Pope to talk with you."
I could feel my myself becoming a child. I closed my eyes and let tears stream down. "Why would you do that? Why do you hate me so much?!"
He started to stand. I don't know why but I grabbed his shirt and held him there next to me. "Please stop doing this to me. Please help me. Don't leave things like this."
Jeff removed my hands from him and stood. "I want you to do as I say, fix yourself up and come downstairs."
Frank would hate me because it wasn't me who had told him. "Did you show him the sketches? The pictures you have of us?" I couldn't help but plead with him just like I used to. He remained cool. He'd completely changed. Where before I had only seen the hatred in his eyes on a rare occasion, it was there now a permanent response to me. I had made him hate me.
"How else could I impress upon him, your emotional fluctuations? He's spoken with Dr. Pope. I don't know what they've decided." He checked himself in the vanity mirror, started to adjust his collar then stopped, left it the way it was.
My mind raced to Charlie over at Frank and Mary's. Regardless of what Frank felt about me. I had to go get to Charlie. I knew I'd have to leave Bend that moment. I had no place to go after I left, but I had no choice. My only thoughts were to get out of the house and run away.
It was as if he could read my mind. "They're on their way over now."
I knew there was so much evidence against me, even if Mary and Carmen and Harry said what a nice girl I'd always been, the pictures told something different. My melancholy after Nick died went on too long. Everyone in Sellwood knew it. And I had been so angry with Jeff every time he rejected me. I took a deep breath and stood up. My only way out was to do what he told me, to act as he wanted me to. I softened and stood up. "You won't let them take me anywhere will you, Jeff?"
His eyes grew tender for a moment. My feelings were vacillating so wildly. When I looked back on that afternoon years later, I could see I had been terrified, but in that instant I wanted him to love me again. Then, I hated him. I wanted him to stop what he was doing. I couldn't really comprehend all of the information he dispensed. My body was still reacting to what he'd done to me. A constant panic ran through me, a reflex to run or get him out and close the door, succeed in locking it even if it was too late. I was confused, one moment understanding that he'd convinced Frank who I really was. Then next moment wanting him to comfort me. Shame overtook me.
"Jeff. I don't have anywhere to go now. Please take me with you."
He walked over to the window and stared out. The view through the wavy glass was my new gardens, my new life. It was all mine. The house was surrounded by forests. He scanned the yard, put his hands in his pockets and turned to me. He looked so much older, weary. His face told me that I'd worn him out.
"Eve, you're never going to love me."
"I can pretend." I said without thinking. He looked like I'd slapped him in the face. He took a deep breath, his expression changed to resignation.
He raised his shoulders and let them fall. He started to say something.
"Or at least let me leave before they get here. Please let me go now." I begged him. "I don't want Dr. Pope to talk to me. Please, you've known me a long time. You know I'm not crazy."
He shook his head and looked up at the ceiling. "I tried so hard with you. I don't want you to pretend to love me. You made me act crazy. Kept pushing me."
I walked over to him. I didn't love him. There had been a seed inside of me that was pure hatred. No love at all. Maybe that's why I'd acted the way I had. Putting everything he said down. Disrespecting him. But, hearing him say that what he did to me was my fault, burned through my body. All I'd done was asked him to leave me alone. The fear of what he was promising was so great. I didn't care about any of it, certainly not justice. I was afraid.
"Please. I'll go with you now." I went over to him and tried to touch is arm. "I will. Just like you wanted me to."
He pulled away. He didn't answer.
"What is it?" I started crying and reached for him, but he wouldn't let me touch him.
He grew cold again. "Don't you realize?"
"No. What is it?"
"Don't you realize? I don't want you any more? I'm not taking you anywhere."
"Why?" I was so stunned, in a state of shock. I couldn't speak or move.
"You won't be gone forever, Eve. I think they'll help you at the hospital. They certainly aren't going to hurt you. Maybe we can talk when you get back."
"Jeff please. Don't do this to me. To Charlie. You know they'll hurt me. Of course you know they will. Can't you please stop them? Tell Frank something? Or just take me." I hardly had any voice. Left. I became a zombie and somehow I couldn't stop myself from repeating the words in an empty monotone "Please Jeff. Take me with you. Please forgive me." I sat back down on the bed and looked out at nothing. "I know that I need to change. I will listen to you."
"Stop, Eve. That's enough. I've already made my decision."
Just then I heard the front door open. And someone walk in to the house.
I snapped out of my stupor for a moment, "Who's that?"
He raised his eyebrows and shrugged his shoulders. "I doubt it's Tom Billings."
"What do you know about Tom Billings?"
"Eve, after Frank and I spoke, he was very concerned about his family's name. The last thing he needed was for a girl like you to start up with Tom as you had with me. He went over to Tom's after I left."
I couldn't move. I was in a state of shock. I just wanted Charlie. Just then I heard Mary's voice. "Eve? Eve where are you?" Relief washed over me.
Mary knocked on my door. And Jeff loosened his tie and untucked his shirt.
"What are you doing? Are you making it look like—"
"It looks like what it is."
I ran to the door. He moved out of my way and Mary pushed open the door. I fell into her arms and started crying. When she did she saw Jeff Lambert standing there looking disheveled, she pulled away for a moment and inspected me; my hair was a mess. I'm sure my face was red from crying. My throat was horse from screaming. My dress remained partly unbuttoned. She pulled me back into her arms. I felt safe and warm. I felt like I had a mother who was going to protect me.
"Mr. Lambert?" She said with such contempt, I didn't know what she'd do.
"Mrs. Lawrence." He smiled one of his charming smiles as Mary looked him up and down.
"I know you spoke with my husband. Got him all riled up over Eve, over nothing. Can't you understand she is loved and all you've done is hurt her? What's wrong with you that you can't leave her alone? I can tell exactly what you've done to her here in this bedroom. I am not afraid of men like you! Get out and don't come back!"
For a moment, I thought Mary might have convinced Frank of my value, my virtue.
Jeff looked at me and then turned to walk out the door. "I'll wait in the car for Frank and the doctor." He left. I pulled away from Mary and sat on the bed, put my head in my hands and cried.
Eve, I've got to get you out of here. We've got to get you out of here somehow."
"There's no where for me to go."
"Where's Charlie?"
"He's with Lenore. Frank is beside himself. I would have never thought he would be so upset now that he loves you and Charlie both. It was the pictures Eve. That was when his resolve broke. That man, he had Frank convinced that there's something very wrong with you. He said he came by and you were hysterical. Frank couldn't put the you he knows with the girl in the pictures of you with Jeff. Or the nude drawings. He couldn't accept what he saw. "
"But you know me. Everyone here knows me. I'm not bad." I started crying. I couldn't stop. My whole body was shaking.
"Eve, what have you done up here with him?"
"He forced me," I said. "I tried to lock the door." I started crying hysterically. "He hurt me Mary." I held out my arms where he had bruised them. Then I looked at her for a long moment. "He hurt me."
She looked at me closely. Her green eyes stayed fixed on my face. "Your face is bruised here Eve." Mary's eyes grew furious then worried. She came over to the bed and sat beside me.
"Harry and Carmen are on their way up, but it will take them a few hours--when Harry gets here I'm telling him the whole story."
"No. Mary please don't!"
"Eve. This has to stop once and for all. I know you're embarrassed and want to keep it to yourself which I would advise in any other situation—"
"No. don't! Jeff will take even more revenge on me. He'll take Charlie from me. I can't bear it. I don't want Charlie with him! Please Mary."
She sat down next to me, put her arm around me and I fell into her arms and wept.
"Charlie is staying with us. Jeff lambert wasn't out here to get Charlie. He was out here to get you. That's all. It had been too long since you responded to him. I'm sure he knew you had gotten over him. Eve. I don't know what's wrong with that man. But, he doesn't want Charlie. He told Frank he couldn't take care of him given his circumstances. Frank had told him we were Charlie's guardians should anything happen to you. He didn't even ask to see Charlie when he was at the house."
"Let me speak to him again." I begged, "Convince him."
"Eve, why would this man be so heartless? Why would he want to hurt you this much? What happened between the two of you?"
I started crying again and through sobs I pleaded, "please bring Charlie to me. He and I will go. Somehow."
"I want to but I can't think of how. Frank went to fetch Dr. Pope. They'll be here. Even if not, we'll pass them on the way out. I'll go out and tell that man to leave your property. Then we'll try to get you out."
"He won't listen." I wiped my nose and just looked at her. I couldn't stop crying.
"Eve. Listen to me. As hard as it is, they can't come in here and just take you to the hospital. How could they?" I looked at her and her worried green eyes filled with tears. "I don't know how they could."
I thought of the story she had related about her mother. Why hadn't I listened? Just did as she advised?
"Eve if anything happens, I'm going to get you back home as soon as I can. And, Eve the only people that know about this are Frank and Tom. Once Frank cools down, once you're back home, it will all be normal. No one will know."
"How long will they keep me?"
"Eve, I don't know much about this. I've only heard stories from the newspaper and those are hardly reliable. Eve, I don't know. Maybe a few weeks. I'm going to find out how to protect you and get you home."
"A few weeks without Charlie? He'll cry for me. How can I go knowing my baby is crying and I can't comfort him?"
"Sweetheart, listen to me. I will take care of Charlie for you. I'll bring him to see you. The instant he cries I'll hold him. We'll make sure he is taken care of. I'll put his crib in our room so I'll know the moment he misses you and I'll comfort him.. We're going to get you home."
"I don't want to go. I didn't do anything."
"Darling, stop crying. Try to freshen yourself up. If they see you like this, they'll believe Mr. Lambert. I'll talk to Dr. Pope. He'll see you're fine."
It made me sob harder, I couldn't help it. She buttoned my dress and straightened my hair. "Adjust your slip so your dress looks neat," she instructed. I did my best to straighten my clothes.
The sound of a car door closing seemed to bellow through the house. Then another. I looked at Mary and I started screaming. She was trying so hard to settle me down, she put her hand over my mouth. I could hear her words but couldn't control my body. "Please," she kept saying. "You can't act like this when the doctor gets here. He'll be certain you had a nervous breakdown. Stop Eve."
I stopped screaming and she removed her hand.
Frank and Dr. Pope entered the room. I'd never seen the look in Franks eye that he had that day. He spared no disgust when his eyes met mine.
"Mary leave." He commanded. I'd also never heard him speak to Mary that way.
"I will not!" I could tell that they'd had a big fight over it. "You should be ashamed of yourself! This woman has been like a daughter to you!"
I tried to calm myself. I imagined I must have looked deranged. Tears still flowed down my cheeks even though I had stopped sobbing and screaming.
"That man forced himself on her! She has done nothing wrong. My husband made a mistake!"
"Mrs. Lawrence, please let me speak with Eve. Mr. Lawrence please escort your wife out of the room."
Frank reached for Mary's arm to guide her out. "Don't you ever touch me again."
"Mary!" I screamed. Then a calm came over me. She turned and her eyes were gentle. She was broken too. "Please don't let anything happen to Charlie. Don't let Jeff take him." I said.
"That man's gotten what he came to get. He won't so much as lay a finger on Charlie. I'll cherish your baby and take care of him for you. I'm going to speak with Carmen and Harry, darling. We'll get you back home."
Mary pushed past Frank and exited. Frank followed and closed the door.
Dr. Pope stood at the door, looking at me for a moment. I must have appeared completely crazy. My hair was a mess, my eyes swollen from crying. My clothes were wrinkled and disheveled and the bed sheets were crumpled. It was just an impression; I knew that and perhaps, with the help of Mary, I could have provided some evidence for my sanity, but it was too late. I wasn't able to stop the waves of terror and anguish. I was just so frightened of losing Charlie. I was so shocked from the events of the last hour that I couldn't stop shaking. I tried to reign in my emotions while the doctor watched me. When I finally looked up at him, he stood expressionless. It seemed to me, he couldn't believe his eyes.
Dr. Pope was about Frank's age, but they looked so different. Where Frank was tall with a square jaw and a full head of dark brown hair, always in farmer's overalls and a plaid shirt, Dr. Pope was medium build, not much taller than me it seemed. He was bald and had a short beard. He wore glasses and my mind flashed on a brief memory of him at Charlie's birth. Standing by the bedside in a white apron, a large needle above me. Then, he had faded with the wooziness, in and out of my dreams that finally gave way to a warm beach scene until that gave away to nothing. No memory. I hadn't spoken with him afterwards. I had remained in the twilight sleep until the morning when Mary and Frank brought Charlie in to me. Placed him in my arms.
I started crying all over again. I couldn't control it. I turned over and wept into the pillow. At that Dr. Pope walked over and sat at the end of the bed.
"Eve," he said softly. "I want to help you."
I couldn't stop crying.
"Will you talk with me for a moment?"
I couldn't look up at him. I found no other escape than into my pillow.
"Eve, please. I need to talk with you."
I sat up and looked at him. I kept crying and when I wasn't letting out sobs, the tears continued to stream.
"You've had a hard time of it haven't you?"
"No. Not until today."
"What do you mean, Eve?"
"I was happy but Jeff wouldn't let me be."
He nodded.
"He's always wanted to take everything from me."
He nodded again.
It was a deluge of realization and pain and fear. I had been ignorant until that day, until Jeff forced himself on me and then degraded me with no concern at all for my life, for the things I loved, for everything that gave me worth, purpose and dignity. "I can't explain it to you Dr. Pope. Please let me see my baby. Please. I need to see my Charlie."
"Eve, when Frank and Mr. Lambert called me, they said you were in an acute state of distress." He said, "Do you know what that means?"
I shook my head, letting out some soft cries. I placed my hand over my mouth.
"It's not even a year since you gave birth. Very often women go into a state of melancholy after. That is particularly the case when the birth is very complicated like yours was. It can take a long time to recover. Do you understand what I'm telling you?"
"No. Why was Charlie's birth complicated?"
"You lost a lot of blood Eve. You almost lost your baby."
"I didn't know that."
"Of course not, you were medicated. But, this melancholia, Eve... It's like a sea rising. You don't see it until it is as bad as it is here with you. Then Eve, you drown."
"No!" I yelled. "Jeff Lambert has been threatening me for months! Then, he came here. I didn't respond to his letters or calls. I was the one who cared about a life for my son. I'm not unhappy."
"He was threatening you?"
I nodded and cried harder.
"How?"
"He sent me letters and told me he'd come here at tell everyone he was Chalice's father."
"Why would a prominent professor with a wife and child do that Eve?"
"He did. I don't know why."
He furrowed his brow, almost in an exaggerated gesture. As if to say that's a little hard to believe.
"It was mostly letters. Then he tried calling me. From England. He was away. He wanted me to move to Eugene and he would come and stay with me as much as he could."
"Where are the letters Eve?"
I started crying. He thought I was lying. "I ripped them up and threw them in the garbage."
"Eve you're behavior with Jeff lambert is but one part of the problem. Moral control is one thing, but--"
I raised my voice. "He came in and forced himself on me today. I couldn't stop him." I was shaking and tried to hold still. My whole body was shaking, my legs and hands.
"It's all right. I can see you're upset." He stopped and paused a moment before he began again, "Before today, Eve. When was the last time you had intimate relations with Mr. Lambert?"
I dried my eyes and wiped my hands on my skirt. "I don't know."
"You don't remember?"
It was descending on me. Jeff had already painted the whole story. He explained every detail. Even right now, even my fear and heartache over what he did and the threat of losing Charlie. Even his visit to my house. His disgusting behavior. All of it was orchestrated to make me so distraught that there would be nothing I could say to convince the doctors or Frank that I was mentally fit.
"I do remember. Three months ago."
"This was in Eugene?"
"Yes. Did he tell you and Frank?"
"And you had intimate relations then?"
"We did. He told me to move there with him. To protect Charlie. It would be like husband and wife."
"I see. Did Mr. Lambert force you to have intimate relations then?"
"No."
"But you knew he was married. And you lied to Frank Lawrence about where you were going? Eugene isn't so close that I would think a man could force a woman to take a train all that way, unless she wanted to."
"He did force me today," I whispered, "I'm not lying. I took to breathing deep breaths. I reached up and fixed my hair, straightened my skirt. But, the deep breaths gave way to hyperventilation.
Dr. Pope nodded. "Eve, try to keep yourself calm for just a moment longer, I'm not the one to make the final decision. I am one of two doctors. In the morning we will bring you to the Oregon State Hospital. There you will be evaluated and placed under observation. I do think you need some time to rest and to gain control of your emotions. And, so we can treat you for your melancholia. I think once you're rested your moral judgment will also improve."
He walked back to the room and picked up his case, brought it over to the bed and stood above it, rummaging through it.
"Dr. Pope, Mary and Frank can take care of me. I just want to be with my baby. Really, I'm not unhappy. I'm not immoral, please. I'm not. I can stay with Mary and Frank."
Finally he retrieved a syringe and looked at me gently. "Eve, this will make you feel calm, then it will make you sleep. You're in a very excited, agitated state and this will help you."
I was crying again, my words were barely intelligible, "I just want to see my baby. Please ask Mary to come."
"Mary can stay in the house with you here tonight. Would that make you feel better?"
"Will she bring Charlie to see me?"
"I'll ask Mr. Lawrence what's best."
At that he placed the syringe into my arm and the instant that I felt a pin prick, the colors softened. I looked at the tall oak dresser and it became a muted brown. Everything did. The yellow curtains had softer edges. I thought about those changes for quite a while. Then, I realized that I wasn't thinking about the events of a few hours ago. I wanted to sort them out, I wanted to try and decipher what might happen next. How I might change what was surely coming ahead. But, each time my mind landed on those particular emotional or strategic thoughts, it moved like liquid back to this placid place. This went on for a while, and then the sky turned bright pink and blue, as it will do in Oregon at dusk. It was dramatic and the colors grew deeper and deeper. Then, I fell asleep.
The next morning, Mary came into my room carrying breakfast and coffee. She opened the curtains and softly whispered my name. I woke, at first forgetting everything that had happened. Then, the realization struck me and I started panicking again. I started to cry and beg Mary to help me. Mary had Charlie with her and she sat down on the bed. He squirmed out of her arms and crawled on top of me.
"Darling, please don't upset Charlie. I know how terrified you must be and I am too."
I was studying his face, his round cheeks and his smile. He leaned into me and 'kissed me' which was just an open wet mouth on my face. I held him in my arms and cried.
"We are going to get you back home, Eve. See, he'll be all right. I'll bring him to see you as often as I can."
"Frank let you bring Charlie to see me?"
"Frank has no authority in that house any more."
"Does he hate me?"
"Eve, he never hated you. Jeff Lambert painted a very convincing picture. And, Frank had a weakness, which I'm sure Mr. Lambert took advantage of."
"Mary, I should pack an overnight bag and leave with Charlie before the doctor gets here.'
She frowned and looked at the ground. "Frank and Jeff lambert are downstairs."
"How can he be here? He's not my husband!"
"Darling, he's Charlie's father."
"Why will they let him tell his side of the story!"
"Darling, you have to listen to me very carefully. You have to. You must control your emptions. You mustn't cry, or scream or grow angry. No matter what they say at the evaluation and hearing today. Promise me Eve."
Charlie was crawling towards the end of the bed. I reached for him and he giggled. I couldn't help but smile at him and he laughed, trying to poke my eye.
"Charlie, what did grandma tell you?" she affectionately scolded. She reached for him, he laughed and then tried to poke her eye. She looked at me with a warm amused smile.
Seeing her and Charlie, made me cry all over again.
"I can't do it, Mary."
Mary sat with Charlie and me for about an hour, but that was such a short time to be with my baby. I couldn't take my eyes off him and when he squirmed to get on the floor and play. I crawled down with him and put this out of my mind for a few minutes.
"Eat some breakfast Eve. You need to be as strong as you can."
But I didn't want to lose a minute with Charlie.
"Eve, get dressed and fix yourself up. Act like you've calmed down and yesterday was just a fight with Jeff. The more calmly you behave the more he will appear as a liar."
I was hardly listening to her. I believed it was over, that they'd walk through the door and I didn't know what they would do. But, I knew from the way Dr. Pope spoke with me and how he described me that he was going to go through with it.
I heard a car pull up and two doors open and close.
Mary picked up Charlie and firmly told me to get dressed. I stood and went to the armoire.
"Pick out something lovely. Eve wear one of your straight skirls and sweater set. Put your pearls on and fix your hair and make up."
I numbly did as she asked. I couldn't see myself as beautiful and the little bruises around my chin were a red-blue and black. They weren't large at all and unless I lifted my head they were barely visible.
"Why does he have to be downstairs?" I turned to her from the mirror. My hands shook as I tried to latch the clasp of my pearl necklace. Mary was bouncing Charlie in her arms to keep him calm.
"Ma ma," he said loudly, frustrated and persistent. He was holding out his arms and reaching as far as he could while Mary tried to sooth him. That was the first time he said "ma ma" and I didn't know if it was just more babbling, but I felt it was a sign from God, telling me what, I didn't know. It was a miracle to me, I would keep that with me in my mind so I could know that he wasn't going to forget me. I took a heavy breath and shook my head.
"Darling, I wish I could put Charlie down and brush your hair. Here hold him while I clasp your necklace and zip your sweater. I reached and took him in my arms. Kissing him over and over on his cheek, rubbing his soft hair and inhaling his scent while Mary got me ready. I started crying again.
"Eve, you have to do as I say. Get a hold of yourself." She had genuine fear in her eyes.
I brushed my hair and put it up in pins. I powered my face an applied make up.
"There darling. You look sophisticated and beautiful."
I knew I looked put together, but it felt strange to be dressed up for such an occasion.
"Please Mary, I don't want to walk past Jeff. I'm too ashamed after what happened yesterday."
Mary nodded. Charlie was sucking his thumb and growing sleepy. "I'm glad he's settling down and falling asleep. I don't want to frighten him."
"What will they do at the examination?" I asked.
"Fix yourself up Eve."
I turned back around. In the large round, dressing table mirror and saw terror in my own eyes. I started shaking violently. Then, I felt a strong wave of nausea.
"Mary I'm going to throw up."
She hurriedly grabbed the wastebasket and brought it over to me. Just as she did, I turned and retched. I was gagging and crying when there was a knock at the bedroom door.
"Please don't let Jeff" in I kept saying over and over.
"It's not Jeff sweetheart. It's likely Dr. Pope."
"Please tell Jeff to leave."
"I have to open the door Eve."
"No. Please don't." I reached for Charlie and held him close. He stirred and woke for a moment. Let out a sleepy cry and then nuzzled into me. His fingers finding my hair and twirling it. He put his other thumb in his mouth and fell asleep. That was all in the time it took Mary to answer the door. When she opened it, Dr. Pope was standing in the doorway, dressed as if he were going to church. There was another man with him in white pants and a white shirt.
I started crying uncontrollably.
"Is that hers?" Dr. Pope asked, referring the small suitcase Mary had packed wit enough essentials for a week.
"Dr. Pope," I begged, "please let me stay with Mary. I promise I'll –"
"No. Eve. You're going to need to come with us."
"Who's downstairs?"
"Mr. Lawrence and Mr. Lambert are downstairs. They will be at the hearing later today."
"But why is Mr. Lambert going to be there?"
He walked closer and spoke softly to me, as if I were a child, kind but firm "Eve, we are going to go downstairs now. There's an ambulance to take you to the hospital where you will have an evaluation."
"No!" I started to struggle. I turned towards Mary who was crying.
The man with Dr. Pope grabbed my arm and began walking me towards the door.
"I won't struggle," I whispered, "Please don't make me walk down like this."
Dr. Pope nodded and the man released me and stood close as we walked out the bedroom door. I was so terrified but somehow I kept myself calm enough to convince them they didn't have to restrain me. I wanted to leave with dignity. I wanted to be calm for Charlie.
We stopped in the kitchen before exiting through the parlor. Mary asked Dr. Pope if I could have another moment with Charlie. She handed him to me and tears streamed down my face. My cheeks were raw from crying and from Jeff's hands the day before. Charlie leaned into me and nuzzled against my chest. He put his thumb into his mouth and closed his eyes. I could tell he wasn't tired but rather wanted assurance that I would be there to hold him and comfort him. I looked up at Mary. She was crying too. She was holding a handkerchief and crying.
"All right, Eve. It's time to go." Dr. Pope was again paternal and gentle but firm.
Mary reached for Charlie and took him from me. I released him because I didn't want him to be frightened and I knew if I held on any longer he would have sensed my fear and the danger. He continued sucking his thumb, his blue eyes examining the scene.
When we entered the parlor, I saw there was a second man in white pants and a white shirt. He was standing near Frank in front of the fireplace. Jeff Lambert had been sitting on the couch, but stood up when I entered the room. He was smoking a cigarette and his blue eyes fixed on me. I felt a rage well up inside me. I felt nothing mattered but to hurt him as he had hurt me. I kept my emotions in check by looking straight ahead. The other man in the white clothes joined our entourage. Frank's eyes looked less angry. I didn't know what to make of them. He looked worried and kept wiping his brown with his handkerchief. As I passed Frank, Jeff walked towards me. He was staring at me. When he got close enough for me to hear, I stopped.
He gave me a gentle smile, but his eyes revealed satisfaction. "Eve, this is going to help you get better."
It was instantaneous; a bolt of lightning sent the power of rage through me. I hated him more than I've ever hated anyone. My reaction was so sudden, so unexpected that it took a moment for Dr. Pope and the attendants to respond. I rushed towards Jeff and pushed him hard. "I hate you! Leave my house. You're trespassing! You're trespassing. Get out of my house!"
Immediately the attendants had both my arms and I was breathing heavily as Jeff backed away and straightened his suit. Charlie began screaming and at that the three men ushered me into the ambulance, which had seen sitting in the dirt driveway with the back door open waiting for my departure.