Carmen and Harry came up for Christmas with their children. The oldest was eleven and the youngest three. Through Carmen's family, I got a chance to imagine Charlie at all ages. I was so excited to watch this person become. Of course he was only four months old and so it was very hard to tell who little Charlie was. Mary was holding him and showing him off to Carmen who was delighted to play with him. Susan, her three year old, sat shyly beside her watching with enormous curiosity.
"Want to touch Charlie's hand? Be gentle, Suzie."
The little girl shook her head and hid her face behind Carmen. Carmen smiled but rolled her eyes and mouthed to Mary and me, "my shy one."
"Unlike her mother," Mary teased.
"I've been known to be quiet" Carmen said.
"Not to me," Mary joked, "but Carmen darling, you are the most entertaining person I know. I love you to death."
Carmen sort of smirked and turned her attention back to Charlie who was smiling and showing off for Carmen. He reached for her hair and Carmen willingly let him put his wet baby fingers into the locks that were held up in her usual victory rolls. He loosed one side and it a long strand fell over her face. She made funny faces and said "Oh no!" and that turned Charlie into all smiles.
"He's very smart. To play like this at only four and a half months."
Mary interrupted, "All the excitement's got him sleepy. Why don't you girls go out for a walk or sit on the porch and catch up. I'm sure you miss each other. I'll put the baby down for a nap."
Carmen and I ventured out towards the orchard.
"Mary loves him." Carmen said.
"I know she does. Carmen, I wanted to thank you for helping me."
"There's nothing to thank me for. You look so happy Eve. And Charlie is skimpily perfect."
"Not just for helping me out of the situation with Jeff, but also for choosing Mary and Frank. I have grown to love Mary so much."
"Didn't I tell you? I can tell she loves you too and Charlie. Honestly I've never seen her like that."
"Its more. You know how much I loved your family. They were my family. But, still I was an outsider. Mary makes me feel like I belong. She's told me that she feels as though I'm the daughter she never had."
Carmen's eyes landed and stayed fixed on me. She stopped under one of the apple trees, its leaves gone and the gray sky visible through the crooked and bare branches.
She smiled then walked over and embraced me. "I'm so glad for you Eve."
"And, I want to stay here in Bend"
"Of course you do."
We walked on and didn't say anything for a few minutes. Once we arrived at the end of the orchard near the clearing, we stopped.
"They sure have a lot of land," Carmen said "I never realized how far back this went. And, you can see the mountain."
I walked out a bit further. "This area is mine. Mary and Frank would like me to design a garden. Flowers, and little garden rooms. Mary's marked the space, it's larger than my gardens in Sellwood."
"This is marvelous, Eve."
I took a deep breath and turned to Carmen, "It's cold, should we go back?"
She stood for just a moment. Not turning to head back, "Eve what are you going to do about the house in Sellwood? I'm happy to keep managing things if you want to hold on to it. But, it doesn't sound like you're coming back." Her black hair was back up in its neat yet somehow glamorous style; black victory rolls held up with silver pins. She it held back as she did on special occasions. Her eyes were the same emerald color I remembered. She was my closest friend. I'd known her since childhood. She was the one always goading me into doing things I wasn't supposed to, teaching me curse words, writing love letters never to be sent. Then, when she became a teenager, this beautiful and exotic girl appeared. It must have been her style. It was within the limits of respectable but she always had a flair that made her exciting and sophisticated. It was funny that she married Harry who was so much like Frank. Practical. It dawned on me as I saw her there, her wool coat wrapped tightly around her body, she had grown up. I had not, not until Charlie. I realized my carrying on with Jeff had been childish. Carmen, on the other hand, had accepted and shouldered the responsibilities of being an adult. I felt shame rush through me. That interminable hurt that couldn't be healed because it was the truth.
"Charlie looks just like Jeff." She said out of the blue. I felt my face grow flush and a panic rush over me.
"He does?"
"You know he does."
"I don't care."
"You shouldn't care. Why should you? You don't owe anything to the man. He doesn't have any claim on Charlie what-so-ever." She said "what-so-ever," in her emphatic Carmen way. End of discussion. She paused and let a breath of air out. A little cloud of condensation escaped and then dissipated. "I imagine he hasn't bothered you since Mary and Harry set him straight?"
"No."
"That's good."
I looked back over the land I'd soon cultivate. My garden plots were not for something practical like the rest of the farmland, but something created just for beauty's sake. I wondered if that too was more of my selfishness.
"Eve?" Carmen interrupted my thoughts, "That's good, isn't it?"
"What's good?" I turned to her and took a deep breath.
Her eyes were examining me with concern. "Look. I'm sure it's not as simple as I'm making it. I'm sure it's not."
"Of course it's good. I really don't want him in my life. It's been five months."
"No letters since Charlie was born. Truthfully?"
"No."
"Honestly Eve. That's a relief. He scared me. I don't know why but he really did. Maybe it's just that he was so different than everyone we knew. And, the way he treated you. Anyway, five months is long enough to know it's over." She paused and took my hands in hers. "Listen, I've been thinking about it. Don't come back to Sellwood. I don't think you should. Let Frank handle the house. Just stay away. Frank said he can manage the sale without going there. I'll list the house. Frank will be none the wiser about what happened in Sellwood and you'll avoid getting tangled back up with Jeff Lambert."
"What about my things, Carmen? I grew up there. I have to say goodbye to my old life. Besides, if I went back it would only be for a day or two. I wouldn't go out anywhere. Your house is right next door to mine. No one would even know I'm in town."
"Eve don't."
"Why Carmen?"
"If anyone saw you. Say Kitty stopped by my house? Everything would be over for you there. You know as well as I do, she'd devour a bit of gossip about Jeff Lambert and she wouldn't care if it was at your expense. Somehow he'd get wind of it."
"My life in Sellwood has already been destroyed."
"Eve. The other thing is that Jeff's very influential now."
"What do you mean?"
"For one, he's on the board at the Sellwood Moreland Improvement League. He's worked with the city on all sorts of projects for the neighborhood."
I couldn't help but laugh. "Really Carmen. I wouldn't call that influential. A position on a neighborhood board?"
"Well he's seen to it that money has gone into the community. Improvements to the parks, a pool at Sellwood Park. He's working to get the mayor re-elected."
"So, what does that have to do with me?"
"Eve, I just think it's better if you don't run the chance of seeing him. I didn't like the way he treated you and I don't understand the letters he wrote to you. I will never trust him. I'm afraid if he knew you were there, the whole thing would start over again."
She'd hit a nerve. "Oh Carmen! Is that really what you think of me?"
"He's so arrogant. Harry stood up to him, put him in his place. Now, Harry's run into him a few times in the neighborhood and I can tell you, Jeff's not intimidated anymore. That's not to say Harry wouldn't stand up to him."
"Really! Is that what you think of me? I made a mistake. I know it was wrong. But, do you really think I'd do that again?" We were still under an apple tree at the edge of the orchard. The weather had changed and a few raindrops were falling here and there. Carmen kept her gaze on me and didn't disguise that what I was saying was exactly what she thought.
"Eve, be honest with yourself."
"Carmen. Mary and Frank know of a house for me, here in Bend. With Frank's help I can buy it. It used to be a farm with large space for a garden. I could start a flower business again. I want to be here with Mary and Frank. I've met a few friends."
"I don't know about living alone out here. Especially with a baby. I wouldn't want to, I know that much. But, I completely agree that Bend is your home now. I miss you like crazy but you can't come back. I've even come around to the idea of selling your house, although it breaks my heart."
"Maybe a nice family will move in. A new best friend" I joked.
Carmen's face remained serious, "He's walked by the house a few times. I've kept myself out of sight when I've seen him. I don't want anything to do with him."
"Whose house?"
"Your house in Sellwood."
"Well he lives nearby."
"Not that near. He'd have to go out of his way. I've seen him stand and look for a long minute or two."
"Carmen. I'm not sure what you're suggesting. But please forgive me and let it go."
"He makes me sick to my stomach. I've seen him walking by with his little girl on his shoulders. She looks about two now. And, sometimes he's even walking with his wife, the odd thing that she is."
I couldn't help but laugh. That's what our friend Kitty had always said about Jeff's wife. "I can hear Kitty now, 'That Mrs. Lambert, she is the oddest woman I've ever seen! Practically a girl is more like it, I'd say.'" Kitty would bat her long eyelashes and take a dramatic drag from her cigarette. Then she'd continue 'Really girls. How can a man that looks like that marry such a boring looking woman!' Of course Kitty had no idea that I'd been carrying on with him. Carmen and I would grow uneasy, not just because I was having an affair with Jeff but because our friend could be so cruel in her gossip.
But now, with Carmen herself repeating Kitty's opinion, she laughed at herself too.
I smiled at her, knowing a part of her was still sticking up for me. "You sound exactly like Kitty. That's funny. I remember her saying that about Mrs. Lambert too."
I had only seen Jeff's wife once. Actually, I hadn't seen her in person. I'd found photographs of her and their baby. Jeff had come over one morning, early before he went to the studio. By that time in our relationship he was sneaking into the house. "Like a Sherlock Holmes story" he used to say. For the life of me, looking back, I couldn't see how I had thought it was funny and clever. One morning, he snuck in and woke me up. He had moved into bed beside me and was softly kissing my neck. I was dreamy and when I opened my eyes he was there. His gorgeous face, smooth shaven skin. He was in his teaching attire, a white dress shirt, thin tie and trousers. His hat was on my bedside table and his collar loosened. He had looked at me with the same blue eyes as Charlie's, holding my stare with such intensity that I held my breath until finally he whispered "Do you feel as if you're drowning when we look at each other?" I'd nodded but couldn't speak, then his lips gently kissed mine, "Beautiful Eve. I love you. Do you love me?"
"Yes," I had whispered.
"Say it to me. Say the words."
"Jeff, I love you more than anything."
Not an hour later, I noticed his portfolio where he'd placed it near the wall. He had always brought it with him. I supposed it was because he came to my house and from there to his studio at the Portland Art Museum. On that day, I had a curiosity about the contents.
I'd fixed a tub for him and as he soaked in the bath I sat on the floor beside him for a while.
"Come in with me," he had pleaded.
"I'm all dressed and ready for the day."
"What do you have to do that's so important?" At that time, I thought everything was as it should be and in no time, it would be perfect. I hadn't an inkling what perfect would be. Would it be him leaving Margaret and marrying me? Would it simply stay like it was, forever sneaking but madly in love with each other? Although after I had Charlie, any of those scenarios would have sounded like a prison sentence to me, back when I was in love with him, in the beginning, I would have been overjoyed over his offer of living in Eugene with him and Charlie. I had been was so fulfilled by him, intoxicated as he'd often said. I was ignorantly satisfied with what ever he offered.
That day in the tub, he had rolled his eyes because I wouldn't take a bath with him. "You're driving me crazy Eve, come into the tub with me. It's warm and the bubbles feel so good."
"No," I said, playing on the little bit of power I had over him.
"You'll let me go crazy here in this tub? You're heartless."
When he smiled, I'd felt as I was the only one who made him feel that way. Maybe that was true.
"Why do you let me drive you so crazy then?"
He grabbed my hand and pulled me closer.
"No I don't want to get my clothes all wet!" At that he kissed me and then released me.
"Jeff?"
"Yes darling?"
"May I see what you bring in your portfolio?"
He submerged himself underwater for a moment to rinse out the shampoo. When he came up again, all wet, his hair was almost black unlike his naturally light brown color. Even wet it looked clean cut and neat.
"Come in here."
"Jeff, really. I don't want to ruin my clothes."
"Just kiss me one more time. Then you can do whatever you want."
I'd moved towards him and kissed him. Then, I stood and walked back to the bedroom and retrieved his leather portfolio. I sat on the bed and pulled out sketches and a half finished painting. In the bottom of the case, there was a stack of photographs. I eagerly removed them. I'd shuffled through them quickly as they were mostly of people I didn't know and I was more interested in the pictures he had taken of me and my garden. As I shuffled through the photographs, it had dawned on me that many of the pictures were of his wife Margaret and their baby, Clara. Underneath the ones of his family was the stack of us from our weekend in Cannon Beach. I juxtaposed the two sets of pictures. His wife looked thin and young, a little frightened. She wasn't pretty. Even with her delicate features, she had a masculinity about her. I would have said her appearance was worse than just plain. Although, I wouldn't have gone so far as to call her homely. Her dress was longer than was the style and she wore an apron that despite being tied around her waist, seemed to hang on her in a way that gave the appearance of having no womanly curves what-so-ever. I held a photograph up next to the picture Jeff had taken of me at the beach. At first, I had felt pleased. The comparison had made me feel superior to her. In that moment I was taken with my own appearance. Of course, that was why he loved me. Look at her! She could never have been popular and pretty as Carmen and I had always been. But, then it slowly descended on me, first in my thoughts then my heart dropped and I couldn't breathe. I realized that in reality, I had looked like the opposite kind of woman from his wife. I was in my swimsuit, sunglasses. I was posing, not exactly like a pin up girl but something reminiscent of one. I had dropped the pictures on the bed and lay down and cried both for what I was doing but also for what I had become. I hadn't even been pretending to be a wife or a respectable girlfriend. I was becoming the kind of woman Kitty, Carmen and I would disparage. The kind that goes after another woman's husband. I had rolled over and cried into the pillow. A moment later I'd felt Jeff's damp hand on my back. He had sat down on the bed beside me.
"Oh darling, don't be jealous."
I couldn't speak. All I could do was cry.
"Eve, look at me. She doesn't mean anything to me. You're the only one I love."
A bolt of furious envy ran through me. I turned and glared at him. "You're a liar."
He turned his head to one side and all of his affection drained from his face. "What then, Eve, does that make you?"
I had been so angry that I sat up and screamed for him to leave. At that, he stood up and proceeded to get dressed. I didn't remember all I'd said to him, but as my anger grew, I threw the pictures at him. They'd scattered all over the floor.
He stood, staring calmly at me, shaking his head as if I'd lost my mind. His reaction then caused me to lose my temper. I stood and faced him. I was about to continue my insults when he grabbed me by my arms. "Stop acting like a child!"
Something in his eyes startled me and I softened my voice, "Please let me go Jeff."
He glared at me for another long moment before he released me. "You need to control your emotions, Eve. It's worrisome. You hardly act like a rational woman." He picked the pictures up off the floor and stuffed them into his case. He zipped it angrily and didn't say anything as he started out the bedroom. I stood and ran over to him. I had been suddenly so afraid of losing him. It was a panic that I'd never felt before. I would have been ashamed to admit it out loud but I was even more frightened of his leaving me that day than I had been when Nick was called to duty. It was the worst possible addiction. As our affair grew in intensity, everything else in my life lost color, became bleached out and faded. Then finally everything turned gray until there was nothing else but him. And where the light illuminated Jeff, it was such brilliance and depth that I was mesmerized. I knew it sounded insane so I never even looked for words to describe it to him, but, of course he could see what was happening to me.
On that day when I'd lost my temper over the pictures of his wife, I became terrified of losing him. When he grew cold towards me I turned desperate. I begged him. "Please don't be angry with me. I'm sorry. I was jealous. Please don't leave." When I reached for him, he stopped me by grabbing my wrist. He pulled me closer to him. I didn't care that he wasn't smiling or that he was looking down at me with anger.
"Please stay with me." I'd pleaded, "Let me touch you. Let me just kiss you good bye so I know you aren't angry with me any more."
His expression had changed. He was still cold and distant but not as angry. "Eve I don't want to." He released me and walked out the door. I had been so weak, I ran to the window and watched him leave. He didn't sneak out the back and try to be discrete. He walked right out of my house as if he didn't care who saw him. As I watched him, instead of being angry or worried about my reputation, I thought about losing him. I would have done anything to feel loved again by Jeff.
Carmen and I were still in the orchard. She tightened the belt on her jacket. "It's cold." She said tracing a frosty patch of snow with the toe of her boots.
"What are we doing out here on Christmas Eve anyway? Everyone's inside having fun, drinking cocktails."
"You're were showing me your garden Eve. Your new life and your dreams." She smiled her sweet sisterly smile. "I'm sorry I was judging you."
I thought of my baby. I hadn't nursed him in an hour and I missed him terribly. "Let's go back, I'm sure Charlie is hungry and being fussy for Mary. We'll have dinner soon." I walked over to Carmen and gave her a hug. It felt so good to have her with me over the holiday. As I moved closer to her, I smelled her perfume, Chanel number 5, and when I put my arms around her I missed her all the more.
Christmas day made me feel so much a part of a big family. Mary and Frank's house was warm and decorated top to bottom. The tree was enormous. A week before, Frank, Mary and I had trudged out to the woods and found a tall Douglas Fir. I'd brought Charlie with us. I'd bundled him up in quilts and held him close so he'd stay warm. Frank sawed the trunk until the tree fell to the ground. He'd called out "timber" in jest and we all laughed when it fell gently, coming down to rest on the snow with hardly a disruption at all. Frank tied it up on a sled and pulled it back down the hill to the house. Snow was flurrying and when a flake hit Charlie's face he twitched his eye and opened his mouth. He was a funny baby.
Mary's knack for homemaking always surprised me and the Christmas decorating was no different. Garland covered the hearth and stairs. The tree was adorned in tinsel and colored lights. She lit candles in the windows. There was a light dusting of snow late Christmas eve and when we woke in the morning, it felt like a miracle to me, a gift commemorating my first Christmas away from Sellwood, my first Christmas as a mother. The New Year promised a new life and I was ready for it to commence.
Carmen and the entire Tenino family spent Christmas with us, including Carmen's mother Denise. Denise was a lovely woman with the same exact temperament as Carmen. It seemed over the years Carmen had perfected her mother's sarcasm and extroversion. She and Carmen together always made things so much fun. They both doted on Charlie and he was always in someone's arms. Frank's sister drove up from Seattle and stayed the night as well. They had two children both under five, a boy and a girl. The house was full. Charlie and I were as much family as everyone else in the room. When I brought Charlie up to nurse him, I cried for a short time. Mostly from happiness. I felt as though these people could protect me from anything. I felt they truly loved me.
Christmas morning after nursing Charlie, I made it back downstairs in time to open presents. Everyone sat in the parlor. Frank fed the fire in the brick fireplace and it kept the room warm. Since the fall, the fireplace had been the source of heat for most of the house. As a result, we had spent most time there in the front of the house since the weather had turned cold. The kitchen was also warm too, especially during the holidays or Sundays when Mary and I cooked or baked.
We sat in a big circle, adults on the upholstered sofa and chairs, the children on the floor while we exchanged gifts. Mary brought muffins and biscuits into the parlor while we sipped hot cocoa. That way the children would not have to wait for breakfast before opening their gifts. Mary and Frank gave me a beautiful locket with a little picture of Charlie.
"I love it," I said as I opened it up. "I'll treasure it." Mary came over and sat beside me. She put her arm around me, stayed next to me and held my hand. She took Charlie into her arms while Carmen put the necklace around my neck fastened the clasp. Mary bounced Charlie on her lap and he smiled while she made exaggerated expressions to him. After a moment, he began fussing and looked at me. This was how it went. He'd want to go back and forth between us.
Charlie's little fingers were tangled up in my locket, putting it in his mouth. Frank came into the room and we were all shocked to see the large package he had for Charlie. Frank carried it over to me and placed it on the floor next to where I was sitting on the sofa. I tore the paper open with one hand with Charlie still in my arms. It was a little ride on scooter in the shape of a duck wearing a sailor cap. The craftsmanship was wonderful and the toy was so cute the way it was painted with a goofy expression. It was small and would fit Charlie perfectly in no time, just as soon as he started toddling around. There was a length of rope attached to the front of the toy so I could help him along. Of course, I imagined him riding along the glistening wood floors of the farmhouse, the one I now dreamed of having for my own.
"It's just beautiful!"
Carmen's eyes grew wide and she shook her head in disbelief. "Frank it is so beautiful!"
Carmen's littlest, Suzie ran over and sat on it, bouncing up and down. "Beep. Beep." She said and Harry helped her bring it over to the foyer where she could ride back and forth.
"Is it all right Mary? For her to ride in here?" Carmen was watching the girl crash against the walls while the wooden wheels scraped against the polished fir floors.
Mary shook her head "Do you really have to ask? Of course it's all right. She can do whatever she wants."
Frank interrupted. "Suzie may want to come back over here. I've got a few more things for the children." Frank had built a toy for each child, appropriate for their age. He was such a fine woodworker. He'd made Suzie a little baby carriage and an ironing board. She immediately ran to the larger package draped in burlap. "Open. Open." She pulled the carriage out and placed her little baby doll in it. "Here baby," she whispered in her little cherub voice. The rest of the gifts included a tall scooter, a set of nesting boxes and four little wooden trucks.
I took Charlie upstairs for a nap.
"Can I help you put him down?" Carmen asked. "I want more time with you."
"Of course."
Before we got upstairs, Charlie was already starting to fall asleep in my arms. His little head was against my shoulder looking out with a dazed, sleepy look. I took him into my room and Carmen sat down on the bed while I changed his diaper and then lay him in his crib. He fell right asleep.
"I just want to tell you again that I think coming to Sellwood is a bad idea. Frank can manage things from here. He can co-sign and have the papers notarized and mail them back. Between Frank, Harry and me we'll do all the leg work. You know what you want, you don't need to be there."
"Carmen, I want to go back."
"People have asked where you've gone. When they see the house for sale, they'll stop in and ask questions."
"They think I've moved away and that's the truth."
"So suddenly? You left your house for boarders? Come on Eve."
"Come on what? It doesn't matter. In a couple of weeks I can take the train and you can pick us up. Or, why don't I ride back with your family on Wednesday? That way I'll only have to take the train one way."
"Did you hear what I just said?" Carmen was keeping her voice down but her frustration still came through. "God Eve you're so stubborn!"
"So what Carmen? So what if Jeff Lambert is influential in our small neighborhood? It's not like it's all of Portland. Even if he's helped the mayor, it's not like he has any power."
"He had power over you, Eve."
I turned around and looked at Charlie. I retrieved another baby blanket from the trunk and placed it over him.
"It's cold in here," I whispered.
"Evie?"
"He doesn't have power over me any more. But, if I avoid parting with my things without mourning their loss, then he really does have power over me."
Carmen looked down and pursed her lips for a moment. I could see she was about to say something, but she didn't. The room was dimly lit by the overhead light and despite our argument, it felt calm.
"It's a pretty room," she said.
"I like it." I sat down on the bed next to her. "Carmen don't worry about me. It's foolish of you to ask me not to see my house before I sell it. You know it was my parents' home and then mine and Nick's. Nick's journals and short stories are up in the attic. You say you could clean it out, but how would you know what I treasure? What I want for Charlie?"
"All right."
"I'll be very careful. When I get to your house, Charlie and I will stay inside, or in your back yard. I'll look through the things and make notes on what to keep. Everything is up in the attic, so I'll spend the afternoon up there and I'll organize it all."
"You're right." She conceded. "I guess we're lucky my mom came and drove her car. We'll have room to take you back with us."
After Carmen left, I walked over to the crib. I picked up my little baby and carried him to bed with me. He was warm and I knew having him next to me would keep him from getting cold. The windows had frost on them and there was almost no heat in the room. He breathed shallow, rhythmic breaths. My heart felt so much with him beside me. I let my fingers gently run through his soft baby hair. I loved the smell of him, a clean baby smell.