NINA
Time wasn't going by fast enough. It felt like every Friday ticked by so slowly, and every Sunday flew by within a blink of an eye. It wasn't fair. My weekends felt so limited, like small pieces of heaven, but any shared moment with Nash was worth it.
I wasn't allowed to have pictures of my boyfriend on my phone for obvious reasons, but the one picture safe enough to have, I cherished. It was a simple shot of his hand and mine on a table at some restaurant. Nash's large hand covered my slender one, a picture of the only source of affection I could have in Hacienda. I loved that stupid swallow tattoo of his.
To pass the time as I waited for the final bell to ring, I peeked at the photo and allowed myself to be giddy about what was to come. Behind me Nash was busy talking to Yumi, paying me no mind. With the few seconds I had to spy, I admired his profile, from his smile, to his handsome structured face, to his size, and to that infuriatingly adorable personality of his. Nash was arrogant and he didn't seem to care or aim to change this fact, not that I was complaining, because a growing part of me liked it, a lot.
God, I was fangirling—but who wouldn't?
The thing about Nash, he made me feel young, carefree and light as a feather. I didn't have to be strong and have my guard up around him. I could just be Nina and I craved that. For the first time I had someone taking care of me.
With the world he had to be a man, with me he got to be the boy. I guess that defined us perfectly, as I felt the need to be a woman in public and hold my own, but with Nash, only Nash, did I feel safe enough to let him take the lead, and just be the girl. It wasn't a power play for him, because if we disagreed he emphasized hearing me out and discussing things. If I got mad at him he'd just take it, only once did he get the nerve enough to yell back. That was what I liked most, he wasn't babying me like Hector, he respected me as a person, but wasn't afraid to stand up to me either.
The beginning of anything is always the best, and with Nash, every day with him felt like the beginning.
I was growing to want to be with him every day, and sometimes I had to stop myself and gain control. I had to force myself to pull away at times, because it couldn't all be true and real. I had to pretend to be impassive at the impending end of us. That was the trouble with having fun. Sometimes you just didn't want to stop, even for your own good. He could be the death of me, and on some days, I'd let him.
Mariposa nudged me. "What's that?"
I put my phone away. "Nothing. I was just checking the time."
Mariposa gave me a weird look, silently calling me out for my bullshit.
The bell rang and she was on my back as we exited the room. Mari was smart enough to know something was up, hell, even she was getting curious about my weekends and how I was never available.
"What?" I finally gave in and asked as we headed for the parking lot.
Mariposa sized me up. "Who is he?"
Blinking, I got nervous. "Huh?"
My best friend wasn't impressed as she slit her eyes and crossed her arms. "You're so hoing out for someone."
I gasped. "I am not."
My best friend smirked. "You've been doing more hoing than Santa Claus, Nina!"
"It's not like that with...it's not like that."
Her mouth fell open. "There is somebody. Tell me."
It would be nice to, to have someone to confide in or simply gush to. But it couldn't be Mari for obvious reasons. "It's bad."
"Oh come on, you can tell me anything."
I bit my lip. I wanted to, I wanted to share what I was experiencing with someone, and it just sucked because everyone was linked back to the set. "I can't."
Mariposa appeared serious. "Shit, this gotta be deep if you can't tell me."
I nodded. "It is and if word got out, shit could hit the fan."
"How bad is it, are you like, screwing Mr. Alvarez?"
I frowned. "No, worse."
Mari leaned closer. "Who?"
Mariposa was my best friend, I trusted her more than anything. Telling her would be risky, but at the same time, I had faith she wouldn't go blabbing to the first person who looked at her.
I looked around, making sure no one walking by us as we stood off to the side out of the flow of traffic was listening. Taking a deep breath, I faced my best friend once more. "Promise you'll be discreet."
She crossed her heart. "Promise."
"Seriously."
"I won't tell!"
"It's Nash."
Shock lit up her face. "Soh?"
"Yeah."
"What the fuck, Nina?" Mariposa gasped as she stepped away from me.
"I know, Mare. It's bad and I can't help it."
She stood shaking her head. "Well he is cute, but still. This could get you killed."
"I know."
"Well, have you two...hooked up?"
I could feel my cheeks getting hot as I blushed. "Yeah."
Mariposa made a face. "That explains all that limping you been doing."
My mouth fell open as I immediately swatted at her. "Mari!"
"I'm teasing." Mariposa smiled. "But seriously, you have to dead this before it gets too deep and you wind up buried in a shallow grave somewhere. I doubt Nash is gonna pick you over his set, and you shouldn't pick him over us."
Nash wasn't good for me in the long run, he wanted this life of gangs and status, I didn't. If push came to shove, I wouldn't be surprised if he chose the Dragons over me. It was the only thing separating what we were doing from being a full blown romance.
"You've been watching Lifetime again," I said as I stared down at the gravel of the parking lot.
Mari snorted. "Who doesn't love Lifetime?"
That was a good point. I grew up watching those movies with my abuela all the time, still did.
"I hope you're being safe," said Mariposa.
"Always," I assured. "Nash would make a terrible father."
He wanted to be a ruthless crime boss, what kind of partner would that make him when it came to children? Even more, I was connected to Los Soldados; my children would have family in that life. My children would be half of me, and with Nash around, as well as his brother, they'd grow up confused and hating half of themselves and their family. But that was if the Dragons even let me and my baby live.
Leave it to Mariposa to talk sense into me. It didn't do me too well, as I knew at the end of the day, I was still going home to pack a bag and hightail it to Rowland.
Everything about the situation was bad and reckless, but one look from Nash was enough to make me lose all sense of reason. When he called me 'Gongju' I was all but ready to surrender my soul to him. He treated me good and he made me feel special, he was far better than any of the guys I'd ever known or had grown up with. I felt so shameful sometimes when I thought about that night we bumped into each other, but there was Nash, taking it like a grain of salt and seeing it as the beginning and what brought us together. That level of nonchalance, of respect, touched me deeply. Beyond that, he'd selflessly given me the money I needed for abuela, and even a little extra.
And he saved you from Chuy, my heart echoed, trying to jump in the Team Nash argument.
Even though we couldn't last in the long run, I wanted to enjoy the ride for me and to have something to look back on.
I started to say something, but a strong pair of arms wrapped around my waist, holding me tight and soon lifting me up into the air.
I squealed at the surprise. "Put me down!"
A chuckle met my ear and I cringed.
Luis set me down and tossed me that goofy grin of his, trying to put on the charm. "Cool it, Nina. I was just saying hello."
"Hey," I said dryly as I put some space between us.
Luis took this as a joke, so he laughed. "Gees girl, can't be nice to an old friend?"
Mariposa stepped to my defense. "You and her were never friends, besides, Nina's moved on with her life. She doesn't like small dicks anymore."
Mariposa was the only person I'd confided into about Luis, needless to say, my bestie had my back.
Anger flashed across Luis's face as he smirked. "Yeah, but her mom does. Like mother, like daughter, huh, Nina?"
He'd hit me below the belt purposely using that woman against me, knowing she and my father were my self-destruct buttons.
Even worse, Noni decided to come over to greet her boyfriend. She bumped into me on her way by and she soon was sucking face with Luis in the obscenest way. His eyes, however, were glued to me like he wanted to show me what I was missing.
Maybe in the beginning, fresh after our split, this tactic would've burned me. Not today, because I was older, stronger, and I knew I deserved better. Beyond the fact that Nash was a far better guy than Luis. I knew I didn't need Luis for anything and nothing he could do with Noni would burn me anymore. She could have my leftovers, him and his chilito.
"Fuck you, Luis," I snapped as flipped him the finger.
Noni had the audacity to face me, a sneer on her face.
"Say something, Noni. I've been waiting for you to say anything." I tried to get closer but Mariposa seized me. "I know you were fucking him when we were together."
"Only because you were so bad at it. He told me all you did was cry, and then you'd talk about your shitty family." Her words cut deep, especially because she seemed to pity me.
Luis had blabbed to her about our time together? He told her I was bad at it, and worse I was some cry baby with a shitty family?
Luis raised his hand to his mouth, pretending to be shocked and embarrassed. "Oops, guess the cat's out of the bag, huh? I upgraded after you, Nina. You and your family are trash, everyone knows it, and I was just too embarrassed to publicly claim you. At least Noni comes from something."
I felt extremely hurt, but I'd be damned if I let them see me cry. There was a small part of me that knew better and to walk away, but that part lasted all of a minute before I flew past Mariposa and launched myself on Luis and started attacking him and swearing.
Noni had my hair, and in seconds Mari had hers.
There was yelling and screaming and soon a circle formed around us. We were causing a scene, but that was the least of my concerned as I punched at Luis's stupid face.
In the end, some Soldier I didn't recognize lifted me off of Luis and separated us. He was an older Soldier, probably ranking somewhere near Ronaldo's status amongst the set.
He scolded Luis and then me before forcing us to flee the scene as he spotted authority figures coming our way. Getting suspended would piss Hector off in more ways than one, another reason why I cursed myself for losing control over Luis.
I didn't even realize Mariposa was hurt until I pulled in front of her house and saw that she was holding her cheek.
She wouldn't let me touch her to see if she were okay, which let me know I'd messed up with her as well.
"You're pissed at me," I said dejectedly.
Mariposa twisted her mouth as she bent down and grabbed a napkin from the glove compartment box. In the overhead visor she dabbed at the bleeding scratch on her cheek and barely seemed to have calmed down from our fight with Luis and Noni.
Finally, she faced me. "I'm pissed at Luis and I'm pissed at you, too. We shouldn't be fighting each other. It's a war out there. No one is safe with them Dragons walking around. And here you are fraternizing with Nash fuckin' Soh of all people!"
"Mari," I tried to say. "I'm not a Soldier, when I'm with Nash I'm just Nina, okay? That's the only way he sees me."
Mari slit her eyes and scowled. "Take a look around you, Nina. This is Hacienda, there's us, and there's them. You may not be an official Soldier, but the people around you, the people who rock with you and support you, are. And those are the people Nash is against and will fight and kill. You can turn a blind eye to it, but it's a fact, chica. His people will never accept or trust you, and you should be smart enough to feel the same towards his. There is no future for you and him, so what's the point?"
She went and opened the passenger door, aimed to leave in a huff.
"Are...are you done with me now that I'm with him?" I asked.
Mariposa sighed and shook her head. "No, I love you to death and I'll go to bat for you every time, but I'm scared for you. I don't trust Nash. I worry that this will end bad for you. You got a hot temper, but he has more power. He could get rid of you and there would be nothing we could do about it. I don't want you to get hurt, Nina."
"Nash would never hurt me."
"Are you in love with him?"
"No," I assured her. "I fall in love with him and it's over. I don't want a Soldier or a Dragon, Mari, I just want a boy who can live his life honorably and who I can support. Nash is just a fun escape right now."
Mariposa frowned. "Could you love him if he wasn't a Dragon in training?"
"Absolutely," I admitted before I could contain myself.
Sympathy clouded my best friend's face. "I won't tell, Nina. I hope you're right about him. I saw the way he stood up to Bentley over Yumi, and that time he got in his face over his bothering you. Maybe beneath the harsh exterior, he's different. Maybe he's like Hector, a good guy in a bad situation. For your sake, I hope I'm right."
"Thank you."
She came back into the cab of the truck and pulled me into a tight hug, telling me she loved me and she'd see me Monday or Sunday night before letting me go.
* * *
Call me crazy, but as I packed my bag to go and be in Rowland with Nash, I was hoping that Mariposa would calm down about the Nash reveal and later accept it. There were stories and moments I wanted to share with her now that she knew. And maybe, just maybe, hearing some of the stories, she'd see why I liked Nash and perhaps she'd like him too.
I sat on my bed and fiddled with the toy ring Nash had gotten me all those weeks ago. There was no doubt about my feelings clouding my vision and judgment and making me naïve as a result. Every moment with Nash was dangerous. Behind the roses were nothing but flames, and yet, I craved the burn.
Abuela came into my room to see me off since Hector was away working for the evening. She greeted me with a sweet smile as she sat down on my bed.
"All ready to go?" she asked of me.
"Uh-huh," I said as I zipped up my bag.
Abuela eyed my hand, her old eyes lingering on the ring. She hadn't seen the real one Nash had gotten me, the real one that cost him a fortune probably. I didn't even let myself see that one, instead it was under my mattress and it would stay there until I had the freedom to wear it without explanation.
"Mija, when are we going to meet this boy?" abuela asked as she peered up at me innocently.
Now I felt bad, because she'd never get to meet Nash, despite how amazing he could be. "It's not that serious, abuela."
She frowned. "Are you ashamed of him? Has he no manners? You must like him a lot to still be carrying on for the past couple of months."
I didn't want to lie to her and I didn't want to tell her either. "You just wouldn't understand."
"What's not to understand about love, Nina? I've been there before."
"This isn't love. It's just...hanging out."
"And we're not worthy to meet this boy you're 'hanging out' with?"
"You can't."
Abuela shook her head, appearing hurt. "You're right, I don't understand."
Biting down on my lip, I gave in and went and sat next to her. I took her hands in mine, having just enough courage to look her in the eye. "His name is Nash," I told her, "He's connected to Dragons, and his family started the set."
I watched as this dawned on abuela and understanding sank in. At once she snatched her hands from mine, leaving me aching in the aftermath.
Abuela stood from the bed, and for the first time in a long time she was angry, with me. "A Dragon, Nina?"
"I-it's not like that, abuela. What we have together isn't about sides, it's about us—"
Malice covered her eyes and I gulped. "How could you be so stupid and naïve? How can you sit there and curse your mother when what you're doing is far worse? You could get yourself killed. You're just like her, letting irrational thinking cloud what's important. You've compromised us and you're too blind to see."
Chuy's disgust.
Luis's betrayal.
Noni's pity.
None of it hurt as bad as abuela shaming me—no, none of it hurt as bad as her deeming me worse than my mother.
I couldn't even respond after hearing those words, and abuela didn't wait for me to. She shook her head in disappointment and left me alone, not even bothering to hear me out or wish me a safe trip as she'd always done previously.
I almost wanted to cancel and not go to Rowland for the evening, but Nash was the type of guy to threaten to come and get me, especially if he could sense I was upset.
Abuela and Mari were right about me, I was stupid, because as I sat on my bed near tears, I was more hurt at the thought of them bashing Nash, thinking he was this monster when he wasn't. If only they could really be around him, meet him and see how sweet he could be, then they'd understand. I didn't want Mari to hate him, or abuela to think I was compromising our family like my mother had done. I didn't want anyone to think ill of Nash.
I didn't want him to want to be a Dragon. Deep down, only at night, did I sometimes allow myself to wish for a day when he'd look at me and tell me he'd rather be with me than be a Dragon, than be like his brother. I knew that day would never come, which was another reason why I pulled away when I was with him, because I couldn't allow myself to fall for him when he'd only disappoint me in the end.
I should've canceled on Nash, but I didn't. I swallowed my hurt and grabbed my bag and I got in my truck and I headed for Rowland. Hector texted me from work and wished me a safe trip and told me that he'd see me Sunday night and that he loved me. Hearing from him made the situation worse, but I tried my hardest not to let this hurt mask my face.
When I laid eyes on Nash upon coming into our suite I felt guilty at how happy I was to be away from Hacienda and with him. I felt awful at how I melted into his arms and reveled in his scent. I felt like a traitor for how content I was to just be with him.
Nash wasn't an idiot; he could tell I was upset. He told me he knew about my rift with Luis in the parking lot, and while I didn't want to talk about it, he managed to persuade me into joining him in the bathroom where we rid ourselves of our clothes and climbed into the Jacuzzi bathtub. With the jets on and the soap bubbles around me, it was relaxing and cozy, but what made it better was lying back against Nash and having him there.
His big and gentle hands rubbed my back, trying to release some tension and I found myself becoming upset. This little piece of heaven I allowed myself to have with him was entirely selfish, and yet I couldn't bring myself to leave.
I did pull away from Nash, going and moving a few inches from him. I hugged my knees to my chest, sitting and reflecting on what I was doing and what I should've been doing.
"What's wrong, Nina?" Nash asked from behind me.
"I told Mari about us," I confessed.
I heard him sigh and I didn't have the heart or strength to endure another person scolding me.
"And let me guess, she disapproves," Nash replied.
"She doesn't trust you," I told him.
His hand was on my back again, rubbing and soothing me. "No surprise there."
I hung my head. "That wasn't the worst of it. I told my abuela too."
"Dammit, you cannot keep a secret to save your life." He was joking to lift the mood, but it wasn't working.
I choked. "S-she said I was worse than my mother for being with you."
The sounds and feel of the water shifting told me Nash was sitting up. "What... Can I ask what exactly does that mean?"
The bathtub sat behind a magnificent view of the city of Rowland. The sky was darkening in some areas, but lights from all the surrounding skyscrapers told of many night lives. In the distance I could even spot a couple of planes flying by. I didn't even have the heart to do my nightly wish of not falling in love with Nash Soh. I was too burned out for the day.
When I was with Nash, we tended to avoid bringing up our home lives or backstories. I knew present day Nash, but his past and childhood were alien to me. Sometimes I was curious, but mostly I held back from asking, for fear he'd ask me about my upbringing, like he'd just done.
He knew my father was dead, but I hadn't ever gotten into the details. I think a part of me honestly feared he would see me as trash if he knew all of me. Like mother, like daughter.
"My parents were in the set, at least my father was to begin with," I began. "Abuela and abuelo stayed with us, but beyond that it was just this big happy family. My father was like Hector, down but not involved in anything dirty or criminal, at least not at first. The more you risk, the more compensated you are. For a dealer or a killer, there's more respect and better pay. My father started dealing heroin when I was seven years old.
"My mother was too in love with him to say anything. He was making us money and things were fine... Until he started sampling from his product and got addicted. The other Soldiers found out and demoted him, but he was too strung out to care. He stopped going to work, he stopped working around the house, and he stopped being our father. He just cared about his next score. My mom begged him to stop, but he refused to. He told her he needed it, and she loved him more than anything, more than us."
"Nina—"
"She did," I let out. "He would lie all the time. He'd forget to pick us up from school and he would nap like a baby. She didn't try hard enough to stop him. He begged her to take his place in the set so she could score for him."
"What?" Nash asked.
"My mother became a dealer, and a prostitute, to make money so my father could keep his high. She would even steal if she had to find a way to make money for him. She put his addiction before us. She would go out and do foul things and come home with his drugs. He would tell her he loved her, how he couldn't be alone and needed her, and sometimes they'd sleep together for hours. It's one of the side effects of heroin abuse. You could fuck for hours on that shit."
I could remember being nine years old and coming home from school and seeing my parents going at it on the couch. I could remember hearing it in my bedroom and trying to block it out. I could remember Hector coming and sleeping in my bed with me and giving me his headphones to block out their sex or his meltdowns. His meltdowns were the worse. He'd break everything in sight and scream for hours, and once he'd struck his own father in a rage.
My father was a terrifying person in his last days. It was hard to believe that at one point this same man had taught me about cars and would let me watch NASCAR despite his disinterest. I was his little girl, and then one day he met heroin and I didn't matter anymore.
"One day my mom got busted on a drug deal and was arrested," I went on. "I was ten. She got sentenced to ten years and my father didn't take this well. He got moody and lonely without her, not enough to stop, just enough to get worse. He died when I was eleven from an overdose. It was just me, my brother, abuela and abuelo since then, until my abuelo died when I was thirteen."
The air felt cold with Nash's silence and I felt shame. Even if his family was evil, at least they were white collar evil, high class and proper. Me, I came from a junkie and a thief. People from my own neighborhood thought less of me, and what was Nash? Someone who thought of us as street rats to begin with. Maybe I'd just proven him right to judge me.
"I don't understand," he finally spoke a few moments later. "I don't get how this makes you worse than her...that woman who gave birth to you."
"Because she put him before us, because she compromised our family to keep him happy. Because I'm with you despite what your people can do and have done to my people. Because I'm betraying everyone I love. Because this could get me killed." That small detail failed to bother me; it was about the bigger picture. "I don't even care what happens to me, I don't. If I died tomorrow I know that abuela would be okay." I reached up and wiped at my eyes. "I've been so reckless and bad, and I know that Hector is sick of my shit and worrying about me. He's trying so hard to keep things in order, he just wants to protect me and abuela, and I haven't been fair. He's only twenty-two and he has so much on his plate, all he cares about is abuela and me. He doesn't even consider himself, but all I can think about is who's gonna protect my brother?"
It was the very reason I hated my parents. They abandoned us. They abandoned all sense of responsibility and left it to Hector. He had to be a man far before his time and he could barely do it on his own.
I sat there crying, hugging my knees and letting out all my fears. I didn't care about myself, I just wanted there to be someone for Hector, someone to have his back and keep him safe. It wasn't fair that he was expected to keep his shit together and didn't get a chance to just live and breathe. None of it was fair.
Nash came forward, pressing his lips to my shoulder and holding me tight. Soon, he was reaching past me, holding out his arms on either side of me. "See these arms? These arms are going to hold you and protect you." He wrapped them around me and held me close. "I'm not going to let anyone hurt you, or anyone you love, okay? I have you, and that's a promise, Nina, on my life."
"If something happens to me, promise me you'll look out for Hector, please?" I begged.
"Nothing's going to happen to you."
"Nash, promise me."
"I promise, Nina."
"I don't wanna be like her." I let go and went and sobbed into Nash's chest, clinging to him for the strength I no longer had. "Someone's gotta protect him."
Nash brushed my hair out of my face, shushing me softly. "You won't be like her. You'll be better. I'm not going to let anything happen to you, not now, not ever."
Nash promised me security and sanity, and for some reason, I didn't feel like crying anymore, or pitying myself. I loved abuela more than anything, but I had faith that she was wrong about me. That I wasn't about to ruin everything that I had for a boy from the other set.
Even if I wanted to sulk, Nash didn't let me. He got us out of the tub into bed, and even then he refused to let me go.
I lay against him, taking the time to become accustomed to his tattoos, from the ones on his hands and knuckles, to the black ink exploding on his arms and the one on his right pec. I'd never felt partial to tattoos, but being against a topless Nash Soh, it felt like I'd found a new religion.
Nash took my fingers from tracing his arm and pressed them to his lips, smiling down at me shyly.
"I wish I was somebody else," he told me. "That way you wouldn't be feeling like you're failing your family when you're with me."
I was crazy for Nash, because what I felt at the thought made no sense. "I'm glad you're you, Nash."
He came closer and kissed me once, soft and gently. "If you want to end things, to save face with your family, I'll understand."
Leaving him and ending things was the rational thing to do, but this wouldn't be Rowland without him. I knew we had to end things at some point, but just for the time being, I wanted to have him, for as long as it could last.
"Not yet," I said. "Sometimes I hold back how I feel when I'm with you. I have to force myself to contain how happy I am."
Nash's brows pushed together. "Don't do that."
"Yeah?"
"Yes. I don't want you holding back with me. You had me damn near depressed yesterday at the sound of you just brushing us off. I can't be the only one who sometimes thinks of..."
"More?"
"Yeah."
"Nash, we can't."
He held me closer. "I know, but I can't help it sometimes."
"Me neither."
"This is hard, Nina," Nash said, seeming conflicted. "I know you can handle yourself, but it wasn't fun watching you attack that guy in the parking lot. I felt powerless, and I don't do powerless."
"He deserved it."
Nash caressed my face. "If this could be public, that guy would be dead. You're playing into my hand here. Standing there on the other side of the parking lot, seeing him touch and harass you, shit would've gotten bad real quick hadn't that Soldier showed up. Every second I'm with you the lines of what can be and what can't become more blurred."
"We can't fall in love, Nash. It'll ruin everything."
He frowned. "Stop being so amazing and I'll loosen up my feelings here."
I managed a smile. "Same to you."
Being in Nash's arms, looking up into his eyes, as I was tangled all up in him, I felt more than just better, I felt perfect.
He leaned over and kissed my forehead and nothing else needed to be said.
We didn't sleep together, but I think it was one of the most intimate nights we'd ever shared.
_________________
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