C h i l o m b o , E f u r u
Children. Daughters. Sons. Mothers. Fathers.
Responsibility.
Creating life and bringing a human being into the world should be the most beautiful experience in your life. Key word in that sentence is should.
For me, it was terrifying. I had to tell my parents and family about what those men did to me. I had to relive that moment over and over again.
I had finally moved on from that experience and a few months later when I was laying in the hospital bed, legs gaped open as I pushed a 6 pound 3 ounce baby out of my punani, that horrific day played over and over in my head.
I wouldn't know which of them got me pregnant. I just knew I couldn't raise her myself. I couldn't look at her knowing the extent of how she was created.
Although I did give up my parental right, I couldn't live knowing I had a child who'd never know me. I made sure that Namiko's adopted parents would allow visiting rights.
I hadn't expected to see Robyn at iHop. I wasn't prepared to let her into that part of my personal life. I wasn't even sure where we stood after dinner that night.
I hadn't talked to her, and it felt like she was avoiding me. I know I'm not the best when it comes to these relationship things, but I wanted to know why she played with my feelings.
I'm an idiot to think someone would want me for anything besides sex.
"Miss Ru," Hailey, a shy 5 year old, called out to me. I shook my head to clear my thoughts and walked over to her.
"Yes?" I squatted down to her height.
"Can we have story time?" She looked up at me through her long, thick eyelashes. Her question got the attention of several little children who had their puppy dog eyes trained on me.
"Oooh," I laughed. "You guys are good." I stood up to my full height, 5 feet 2 inches. "We can have story time." I walked over to the bookshelf and closed my eyes. I hummed a nursery rhyme while sliding my hand through the selection. When the short tune ended, I picked up the book resting under my hand and walked to the rug that was assigned the reading area.
I waited for the kids to settle on the floor before I began reading. "Atop the world, far, far away, Where winds are cold and nights are long, A little penguin sang all day. When happy or sad, he sang a song...
... But his song carried so much ache, That one night he looked high above, And wished to find a way to make His songs less sad and full of love."
Pookie and Tushka is a cute book. I like how throughout the story, Pookie reassures Tushka that monster-fires and monster-fishes are not real, and that every problem they face has a solution.
Sometimes, I need that reassurance in my life.
The monsters that hurt me long ago would never have the power to hurt me anymore. They were safely behind bars for the rest of their pathetic lives.
-
"Gia, what are you doing here?" I asked as my best friend strolled into my apartment.
"Cheering up my baby girl," She smiled. "I know you still trippin' over that girl sooo I'm here to take your mind off the ho'."
"Gia don't call her-"
"Naaaaah! That bitch wanna flirt with a female in front of you then she a ho'. Ain't no argument needed. She a ho' and you don't need no hoes in your life."
I sighed. "Ok."
"Now, fix yaself up so we can go."
"Where?"
"Don't ask questions lil mama. Just know it'll ease your mind."
-
"I hate you." I said as soon as Gia parked the car.
"You're too kind." She smiled and got out the car. I sulkily followed behind her. We walked pass security and into the club. A strip club. The strip club that Tiana worked at. The one I heard Robyn frequented.
I was immediately over aware of my surroundings.
"Loosen up babe." Gia said as she led me to the bar.
Alcoholic courage will be the death of me.
After my second Bartender Special, I was the life of the strip club. Dancing with all the strippers, guests, everybody... Well everyone with lady parts. Drunk or not, I steer cleared of anyone with sexual organs that swing between their legs.
"Can I get the next dance beautiful?" A tall, wanna be Morris Chestnut asked.
I shook my head no. "I-I don't like being touched by men."
"Maybe you ain't let the right guy in ya life." He smirked. "I can show you things you ain't ever seen before."
"No thanks." I ignored my drink and began walking away from the bar.
Fingers gripped my arm and I was pulled back. I bit down on my lip and felt my eyes burn.
God, please not again.
"Don't walk away from me bi-"
"I know you got point 2 seconds to let her go or I'll kick yo punk ass by my damn self."
The strong grip was released and the guy pushed me. "I ain't mean no harm." He said, lifting his hands in surrender.
"Trev, escort him out." She said before examining me. "You okay?"
I shook my head as images from my past replayed in my head. I wiped aggressively at the tears staining my cheeks.
"Shhh." Robyn wiped my eyes and led me out of the club. "It's okay."
I wanted to push her away, yell, scream. I wanted to tell her to leave me alone, never talk to me again, but I couldn't. I couldn't find my voice in the haze of tears and hiccups. I couldn't find the strength through the jello of limbs. I couldn't find the anger through my fear. I couldn't.
"I-I..." I took a deep breath. "C-can you l-leave me a-alone?" I stuttered out. I had to distance myself from her. She was no good.
"No." She said seriously. "You need me right now." She sounded unsure of herself.
"N-no. You.... You only wanted s-sex from m-me." I was too far gone to stop now. I couldn't back out now, no matter how much I wanted to disappear. "Y-you got w-what you wanted... Just... Don't pretend to ... Care."
Robyn looked as if I had kicked a puppy or something. She was like a fish out of water, mouth opening and closing repeatedly.
I began walking away to Gia's car. It would be pointless to stand there waiting for her to come up with a decent lie.
"Jhené wait.." Robyn sighed.
I stopped with my back turned to her.
"I admit, I did only want to have sex with you in the beginning."
I bit my lip to keep from crying.
"Then, I realized I was fall- I realized that I kinda like you. I admit I was wrong for flirting with another girl on our date and ignoring you afterwards, but that's the only way I know how to deal with things." I could hear her walk closer to me. "Let me take you home with me." She grabbed my hand gently. "Let me explain,"
I hope I'm making the right decision.