It wasn't until around five in the morning that Paul went back to bed. His mind wasn't nearly quiet enough to allow him to get some sleep, though. As soon as his head hit the pillow, his mind began to wander.
He thought of Cynthia first. Back in the twenty first century, not too long before Paul had ended up in the sixties, Cynthia had passed away. It was all Paul could think about at first, but then his thoughts wandered over to Julian and he squeezed his eyes shut.
No, he thought. This can't be happening. Oh, how could I have been so stupid as to not think of this before?!
If John never married Cynthia, Julian would never be born. Paul didn't know if he could handle that. Julian had always been like a son to him, even after Paul had children of his own. And he would never even exist....
Paul made a mental note to have a serious talk with Barney about Julian next time Barney came around.
Paul's thoughts were interrupted when John grunted into his pillow and whispered something that sounded a lot like, "No, stop!"
Paul looked over at John and he made out his silhouette in the fading darkness. "John?" He said. "Are you awake?"
No answer. Apparently not. But John turned into his back in his sleep and released a shaky breath. "Please, stay," he said.
Paul looked at him, brows furrowed in confusion. He never remembered John having a nightmare in the time they knew one another - at least, never one like this.
"No!"
Paul propped himself up on his elbows and looked at John with a concerned expression. "John, wake up!" Paul shouted.
John's eyes flew open and he slowly and he breath heavily for a few moments, then turned his head sideways. "Paulie?" He said. He sounded frightened. He looked so...vulnerable.
Paul frowned. "Yeah, I'm here,"
John nodded. "Okay, good..." He said. "Sorry. I just...I had a bad dream." Really vulnerable.
"Alright," Paul said. "Don't worry about it. Just go back to sleep, yeah?"
John nodded again and closed his eyes.
Paul laid back down and listened carefully until he heard the sound of John's snoring that told him his friend was asleep once more. His mind was racing... That nightmare had been...strange, to say the least. And what made matters worse, Paul had a sneaking suspicion that the nightmare had had something to do with him.
~~~
John and Paul met George at Mimi's house the following evening and headed inside. "Mimi!" John called from the sitting room. "We're here!"
Mimi walked into the sitting room. "Hello, boys," she said and smiled, although her smile was particularly directed at Paul. "It's good to see you. I'm just finishing up dinner now, it'll be ready in a few minutes. We're having meatloaf and beans. If you need to wash up before dinner, you should so so now." Then she turned and left.
Paul was hit with a sudden realization... He was a vegetarian, but he hadn't been in 1961!
"What's wrong, Paulie?" George asked.
"Oh, uhm, nothing," he said. "I don't want to seem rude or anything, to Mimi that is, but...I kind of, erm...can't eat meatloaf."
John furrowed his brows. "Why....?" He questioned slowly.
"Well, see, I've decided that I'm going to become a vegetarian," Paul said, trying to say it in a way that would make it sound like something that was very much not a big deal at all.
He failed.
"Why the hell would you do that?" John raised one eyebrow.
"I just...I've decided that I don't want to eat anything that once had a face," Paul shrugged his shoulders. "I mean, I don't care if other people eat animals because that's their business, not mine. I just...I'm not personally comfortable with it."
"Oh," George said, not sure how to react.
"Dinner is ready!" Mimi called from the kitchen and the three boys walked in and helped her set the table. Then they all sat down at the kitchen table and dug in.
"This is delicious," George said through a mouthful of meatloaf. "Seriously, don't tell my mum I said this, but this is by far the best meatloaf I have ever had in my entire life."
Paul and John glanced at each other and smirked. George was really trying to get on Mimi's good side.
"Don't talk with your mouth full, dear," Mimi said.
It took all that Paul and John had not burst into laughter.
Mimi glanced at the two of them, then back at George and her expression softened just a bit. "But thank you, George. I appreciate the compliment."
George beamed and ate a spoonful of beans.
"Paul, dear, you haven't touched your meatloaf," Mimi said. "Are you feeling alright?"
"He's fine, Mimi," John said. "He's decided to go vegetarian," John rolled his eyes.
"Oh," Mimi said. "Well, I wish you would have said something. I would have picked up some tofu and cooked it for you. Do you want something - "
"No, it's fine," Paul said and smiled at her reassuringly. "I'm not that hungry, anyway, and the beans are great. Thank you."
Mimi smiled warmly at Paul. "You've always had such nice manners, Paul. I've always liked that about you."
John rolled his eyes and George frowned.
~~~
"You. Absolute. Show-off." George huffed as they were walking down the street, heading away from Mimi's house.
"What?" Paul said.
"Ugh, she likes you so much!" George said. "It's annoying!"
John laughed. "You've always had such nice manners, Paul!" John said mockingly in a high pitched voice. "I've always admired that about you!"
"She did not say admired!" Paul protested.
"You know she wanted to, though." George smirked.
"Oi!" Paul snapped. "Watch it, Harrison."
"What're you going to do about it?" George asked challengingly.
"I'll cripple you!" Paul laughed as he smacked George upside the head.
"Right, like you could ever actually cripple someone, Paul," John laughed.
"Oh!" George punched Paul's arm.
Paul rolled his eyes, but he was grinning from ear to ear. This was how it was supposed to be. This was how it was always supposed to be between him and John and George and, one day, Ringo. But their careers and life choices had gotten in the way. Paul was determined not to let that happen this time.
"Goodnight," George said when they were coming up to his street. He turned onto the street and waved goodbye.
"Night," John said.
"Goodnight, Georgie," Paul said.
Back at the flat, John sat down in the tiny sitting room and began playing his guitar. "Please please me, whoa yeah, like I please you," he sang.
"Still working on that song?" Paul said and sighed. He'd forgotten to mention the song to Barney. Next time he saw Barney he would be sure to mention Please Please Me, Julian, and John's nightmare.
"Yeah, I can't seem to figure out an ending," John sighed.
Paul just nodded. He wasn't getting involved with this song until it was supposed to be written.
Then again, he had no idea what was supposed to be and what wasn't supposed to be anymore. After his talk with Barney about what was meant to be and the F.H.O. he just wasn't sure about much of anything anymore.
He watched John carefully and he began thinking about the night before. "John? Can we talk about something?"
"Sure thing, Macca." John said. "What's on your mind?"
"Erm, last night..." Paul said. "You had a nightmare..."
"Uh, yeah?" John said, eyebrows raised. Paul knew what was happening; John was putting his mask back up. "And?"
"What was it about?" Paul asked.
John narrowed his eyes at Paul. "That's really my business and not yours, don't you think?"
"John," Paul huffed. "When you woke up you were absolutely terrified and you said my name and I can't help but wonder - "
"If this is all about you?" John put down his guitar and hit up.
"John - " Paul stood up.
"I hate to break it to you, McCartney, but the whole world does not revolve around you!" John huffed, avoiding Paul's gaze as he spoke, and Paul gritted his teeth and blinked fast. "Not everything is about you, okay?!" And with that John stormed off to his room.
Paul stood there, feeling a little shell-shocked. The only times John ever called him McCartney were when he would get really angry or when he would start to shut himself away from the world.
Very few times came to mind...
"Go home, Paul!" John growled.
"John, I know it's hard on you," Paul said. "I get it, I really do. I went through the same thing you're going though. But it gets better, and she'd want you to be happy, you know? And George and Stuart and Pete and...and me, we're all here for you, John."
John didn't even look up at him. "Fuck off, McCartney."
That had been the first time, just a few days after John's mother had died. The second time that came to mind was several years later.
"I'm sorry if people still like Yesterday, John!" Paul huffed. "What do you want me to do? Take back the song?"
"It just pisses me off that no matter what we do, nothing is ever as good as that freaking, cotton candy, bubblegum, fru fru love song!" John said. "And frankly, the song kind of sucks, okay?!"
Paul narrowed his eyes at him. "I'm sorry if you don't like but you know what? I do. And lots of other people do, too. And I worked hard on that song, John... Just...screw you."
John rolled his eyes and looked away from Paul. "Whatever, McCartney."
John had later apologized to Paul and told him that Yesterday didn't suck, but Paul had always suspected that John was lying to him and just doing damage control. Yesterday really got on John's nerves.
Paul always wanted to scream at John and call him a coward because John knew what calling Paul by his last name did to him, how much it would upset him, and he would use that to his advantage...but never had the nerve to look Paul in the eye when he did it. But the last time he ever got angry enough to use Paul's last name was by far the worst.... And he didn't avoid Paul's eyes.
"The dream is over, Paul!" John yelled. He had run out of the conference room, but Paul had chased after him. "It has been for a long, long time!"
"It doesn't have to be!" Paul yelled back. "Please, John. Just stop and think about this. I'm...I feel like I'm losing my best mate... Just please..."
John looked at him. "I lost mine a long time ago,"
Paul swallowed hard and clenched his fists. "You horrible, lying bastard." He blinked back tears.
"Oh, no, Paul," John shook his head. "You are not going to fucking cry."
"Shut up, you fucking piece of shit!" Paul growled.
John just shook his head. "The dream is over," he looked Paul dead in the eyes with hard, cold, emotionless eyes. "I want a divorce, McCartney."
It was one of the worst memories Paul had, and he had a lot of terrible memories; his mum dying, John dying, Linda dying, his dad dying, so many people dying! But that conversation with John made his list of worst memories...
Paul curled up in the sitting room and slept on a chair last night. Sure, John was a coward for almost never looking him in the eye when he hurt him, but sometimes Paul was a coward, too, when it came to John, and now that John was back, so was that part of him. And that night, he was a coward.
He couldn't face John that night.
~~~