THE BANANA-RIDE
Liam's stupid theory about this being the World Cup and everything is, as I said, beyond stupid. But I have something to admit, even if it makes me feel ridiculous. His theory got me kind of, just a little, not so much, moderately excited. You all know me already and that means you know how I feel about losing and how much I love challenges.
How hard can it be to win a damn cup anyways? Since I came to Brazil, I've been watching these football players running behind a round ball like maniacs. That's not so different from what Niall and I are doing now. Wait, I'll go with my name first because there's no way that bottom bitch will ever come before me. Unless we are talking about the naughty, I bet he always comes first than anyone, like the lame loser he is.
Football players running behind a round ball, me and the bottom fairy running behind a round arse. Even if the Irish version of Casper has no use for that fine piece of art. No use because he is a bottom and Casper because he is super white, got it?
Anyways, back to my original point, these football players seem so tired and sweaty all the time and I'm just sitting there, having a beer, thinking to myself: "Dude, you are just running, where's your chill?" And, besides running, also trying to make the ball enter the arch. And, I don't know if y'all underage or not but I'm obviously trying to make something enter something else as well. Score.
This time, for the first time ever, Mr. Bulk was actually able to make one of his stupid metaphors work but there is absolutely no way in the whole world that I'm going to let him know that.
"Cup? Seriously?" I laugh, "Mate, you need to stop trying to make your stupid metaphors happen."
"You are missing the point," he sighs, "You need to go now. They are probably there already."
"I'll take another shot," I try to remain calm, "And then I'll see if I'll go or not."
"You are so terrified," he shakes his head at me, "What a chicken."
"It's not that," I order my tequila shot, "I just don't want to look desperate. That's all. I'm too gorgeous to look desperate in front of someone."
"That attitude will make you end up alone," he gives me a pity look that I hate, "With lots of cats."
"Bitch, please," I give him an attitude, "Hot dudes like me don't end up alone."
"Just go and ride that damn banana boat right now."
"I'm not sure yet," I take my tequila shot.
"Dude, you are getting wasted and you need to go right now," he raises his voice, "Maybe the tourist is testing you."
"And who does he think he is to test me?" I laugh, "That bitch ain't my teacher."
"What is it that scares you so much anyways?"
"Nothing," I shrug.
"Is it the depth of the water?"
"Nope, I'm a great swimmer."
"The sharks?"
"Dude, don't mention the sharks," I feel something cold climbing my back.
"There are no sharks here," he laughs at me.
"It's the ocean! Of course there are freaking sharks there," I sigh, "And I just don't see the point of it. What's a banana boat anyways? Like why would you ever ride a banana? It makes absolutely no sense."
"It does make all the sense in the world if riding that banana boat is a way to prove something to the guy you love."
"Love? Oh, Please, I do not love the midget," I try to sound convincing, "I'm just banging the queer."
"You haven't even touched his bum yet," he shakes his head at me, "And queer? What the hell? You, Harold Styles, belong to this community and if we start calling each other queers, what will the rest of the world call us?"
"Relax, I'm just kidding, Harvey Milk."
"Well, then you don't know how to kid properly," he breathes in and out in an attempt to recover his chill, "You need to work on your sense of humor."
"Says the guy who thinks it's funny to add his face to movie posters and post them on instagram," I judge him, "Who does that?"
"It's cool and hey! You saw the pictures and decided not to throw me a few likes? That's not nice at all. I'm always liking your shit."
"Because my Insta is awesome and yours sucks. What I post is pure art."
"A black and white filter does not turn your crappy photos into art," he sighs, "Whatever," he calls the bartender to order a beer, "Hey, can you hear that?"
"Hear what?"
"Shh," he gets closer to me, "I can totally hear it."
"What the hell are you talking about and why are you so close? You hitting on me?"
"You are not my type. Sorry but I happen to like men," he rolls his eyes at me.
"Men and, sometimes, Zayn," I laugh at my amazing ability to answer back, "What the hell are you trying to make me hear?"
"If you listen closely, you can hear the sound of The hottie fucking your man."
"Hey!"
"That's what banana boats are for," he sounds serious, "They are there for foreplay. You go on a banana ride, you get laid. It's basic science."
"You are rambling," I order yet another tequila shot, "That's the most stupid theory ever."
"It's true, mate. There are plenty of articles about it," he looks serious, "I mean, you are actually riding a huge banana. Sounds familiar?"
"Not to me," I frown at him, "I'm a top," I admit proudly.
"For now," he mumbles.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"We all know the tourist is going to end up," he stays quiet, "How do I put it to make it sound nice? Oh, I know," he tries to sound romantics, "We all know the tourist is going to end up deflowering your pretty rose."
"Ew!" I yell at him, "You are disgusting."
"It doesn't hurt that much, you know?"
"Hey! Are you serious?" I give him the most disgusted look of all the disgusted looks ever given in this story so far. Even the one I had on my face when the tourist tried to make me touch his pee-pee that one time, remember how awkward that was and how obvious it was that I absolutely did not enjoy that at all?
"It's kind of weird at first but, when you adjust, damn!" he sounds very graphic, "It makes you lose your mind."
"Liam!" I yell, "TMI, TMI! I did not need to know that."
"I'll never stop talking about it," he laughs, "Unless you go after Louis."
"I'll be in my room," I take my last tequila shot before I leave the terrace. "Bye," I stand up and, when I do, I realize how fast the globe spins.
"You just need to let it in, you know?" he follows me, "Don't fight against it. That'll just make it worse."
"Okay, I'm going!" I give up.
"That was easy," he laughs, "Run."
"You'll pay for this," I shake my head at him, "And if I die, I'll make sure this rests on your conscience forever."
"If you see a shark, just swim as fast as you can," he laughs at me.
"I hate you," I walk away, "And, just so you know, you completely ruined sex for me."
"Just spread your legs open and ride that enormous banana like there's no tomorrow, baby!"
"Shut up, you bottom slut!" I yell at him in front of everyone and then laugh my guts out when I see his blushed reaction. God, I so damn rock.
"Dude," he mouths at me and turns to the people staring at him, "He is just kidding. I top."
A few minutes later, I'm on the beach trying to spot the tourist and his wife but I can't see them anywhere. I start to feel the adrenaline taking over me as I get closer to the place where the stupid banana thing is. Someone, please, remind me why am I doing this? Oh, right. The bum shaped cup.
"Changed your mind, huh?" I recognize the obnoxious accent that I did not miss at all.
"Hey," I turn around and my heart skips a beat when I see him again. How can this guy be real? I just saw him like 15 minutes ago and yet he looks prettier than before. I want to squeeze him until there's no air inside of him and then pretend to be performing CPR on him so I can have an excuse to kiss him.
"Hi," the tequila in my bloodstream smiles at him. How I miss my pride.
"Hey," he is still giving me the coldest treatment of them all, "You coming too?"
"Yes," I sigh deeply, "I'll ride the shit."
"Cool," the Irish says, "It's going to be fun."
"I know it's going to be fun," I roll my eyes at him, "I'm not scared at all."
"Who said anything about being scared?" he smirks at me, "Coward," he coughs.
"I'm not scared, you are scared." Okay, sometimes my comebacks are not the best.
"Have you ever done this before?" the tourist asks me.
"Banana boats?" I ask him and he nods, "Yeah, all the time. I love it."
"Good," he smiles and, for the first time since the fight, his smiles seems genuine. "It's going to be fun."
"I bet it will," I smile back and I'm not sure if it's only because I'm drunk or not but I think we just shared a moment there. I might be starting to consider the idea of taking him back. Maybe.
We make random conversation while we wait for some random dude to call our names and my anxiety grows bigger as every second goes by. All the possibilities cross my mind and each one of them is worse than the one before. And then I have a revelation: Riding a banana boat is basically suicide. This is like a more modern version of Romeo and Juliet, except for the fact that our families do not hate each other and I'm a gazillion times hotter than Leo DiCaprio, but the rest of it is pretty much the same. Two stupid assholes killing themselves for love.
Look at me, I never even understood love and, now, here I am about to lose my life for some random guy. Their voices go silent for a while and all I can see is the tourist. There's nothing random about that guy. He is so tiny and huggable and cute and sexy and God, I want to kiss the hell out of his sassy self right now.
"Harry?" his voice brings me back to earth.
"What?" I stutter.
"It's our turn," he says and I feel a thousand knives slowly stabbing my stomach.
"Dude, you look so pale right now," the hottie laughs at me; "Just wait for us here if it scares you that much."
"I'm not scared, I'm just cold," I try to act cool, "And you calling me pale? You are so white that you are almost transparent, mate."
"Whatever," he shrugs and goes to grab a life jacket, "Woohoo," he annoyingly yells, "This is so cool!"
"I'm excited," the tourist isn't able to hide his love for the bottom fairy.
"Hell yeah!" I try to yell but I cough in between so it ends up sounding pretty bad.
"Isto é para vocē," the banana boat guy hands me a lifejacket and I grab it to see how much my hands are actually shaking. This is embarrassing.
"Harry," the tourist calls me, "You don't have to do this if you don't want to."
"Who says I don't?" I avoid the eye contact, "I'm excited about this."
"Are you sure?" he raises an eyebrow at me.
"Yeah," I shrug, "Woohoo!" I mock the hottie's stupid shout.
"Good," he answers and turns to a girl who seems to be struggling to put the lifejacket on, "It's supposed to go like this," he tells her. Can he not be so damn sweet?
"I know how to do it," the girl gives him an attitude.
"Okay, I was just trying to help," he answers and turns to me, "I bet she's on her period or something."
"Yeah," I fake a laugh.
"That means she is bleeding," the hottie comments.
"Ew!" the tourist and I say in unison. We have so much in common. I love us.
"I'm just saying," the pee-pee lover gets closer to me on purpose, "You know how it goes. Blood attracts sharks. Scary shit, huh?" he laughs.
"What?" I stutter.
"He is kidding," the male Juliet says.
"But he is right," I mumble, "About the blood. We should tell them, just in case. Maybe that's the kind of things they need to know."
"You are hopeless, Styles," the Irish laughs at me, and it kind of looks like the tourist wants to laugh too. How insulting.
"I'm just kidding," I say, "I love swimming with sharks. I've done it before and it's cool as hell."
A few moments later, we are hearing the banana boat guy's instruction. We all look very focused and I don't even know why because he is speaking Portuguese.
"Do you get anything?" I whisper to the tourist.
"Not a single word," he laughs.
"We should ask them to explain it to us in English then," I say.
"No need for that," he answers, "It's always the same."
"Yeah but just in case," I play casual, "It's discriminating if they can't explain it to us in English."
"You know how it goes, right?" he squints his eyes at me like trying to catch me lying, "You said you've done it before. Have you really?"
"Oh, yes," I cough, "Many, many times."
"You don't need the instructions then, just do what you always do."
Okay, I'm literally about to shit in my pants now. And my shorts are yellow; this is going to look pretty bad.
"Louis?" I call him.
"Yeah?" he turns to me.
"Um," I hesitate a bit, "I don't remember how it goes. Last time I did it was many years ago. Can you refresh my mind?"
"Sure," he smirks, "It's like riding a horse. Just hold on very tight and press your ankles to the boat."
"Okay," I answer in a shaky voice.
"Don't worry about it," he smiles at me, "I'll be right there behind you."
"Nice," I smile and, somehow, I feel more calm.
We are walking towards the guillotine or, at least, that's how it feels like and that's when I start to think about something the tourist said.
"Listen," I tell him, "If you are going to be behind me, where will Niall be?"
"Harry," he rolls my eyes at me, "Seriously?"
"Just wondering," I shrug, "In case I need to save him. I'm sure he can't swim."
"Niall used to swim professionally back in high school. He has medals and everything," he says.
"Niall used to swim professionally in high school," I repeat it in a very low and demeaning tone. I hate that stupid wrecked asshole.
Our turn is almost there and I already see the first people in line starting to board the thing. I can see every one of my memories running fast in front of me like flashbacks and now I wish I called my mom to say goodbye. I'll miss that lady, probably not as much as everyone else will miss me though but you know.
"Are you ready?" the hottie yells. He needs to calm the fuck down or I'll punch his white as cheese face.
"Here we go," the tourist says but I grab his hand to stop him, "What is it?" he asks me.
"You can go," I tell the girls who are behind us and then I turn to him but no words escape my mouth.
"What is it, Harry?"
"You were right," I sigh, "I'm scared."
"What a chicken," the Irish twat says but we ignore him.
"I knew you were," he sighs too, "There's nothing to be scared of."
"Yes, there is," I sound as serious as I can, "I'm risking way too much."
"And that's why you'd rather run away from this?"
"I'm not running away. I'm right here, don't you see me?"
"I see you," he stares at me.
"But that doesn't mean I'm not scared," I repeat, "I'm terrified, I'm scared to death. I don't know what the instructions are and I don't know how to act or what to say."
"Mate, it's just a banana boat, relax," the hottie shakes his head at me.
"Shut up, Niall," the tourist tells him. Yeah, you tell him, Bum.
"There are no instructions for this," he says, "That's the whole point. You learn while the ride happens."
"But I need instructions," I feel my voice breaking a little, "I want them because I don't want to ruin this and I'm afraid I'll end up doing just that."
"You wont," he reassures me, "You wont ruin this."
"I am already ruining it," I look to the ground, "And how can I be so stupid to ruin what is probably the most amazing thing that ever happened to me?"
"You are not stupid," he walks a few steps closer to me, "You are just afraid and it's perfectly normal to feel that way. But, Harry, you have to admit it. I can't be guessing all the time. You need to stop making up excuses because, even if I want you to do this with me, I'm starting to get tired of this."
"I know you are and I hate me for that," I raise my voice, "I'm scared, Louis! I'm fucking scared of how fast this goes, I'm scared of the sharks and I'm scared of the place Niall will take while we take this ride."
"I guess we are not talking about the banana boat anymore," the hottie mumbles.
"He has no place in this," he tells me, "He missed his place long ago. You own that spot now and I've already said it so many times before but it seems like we are running in circles here."
"I'm insecure," I admit, "I shouldn't be because, let's face it, I'm awesome so I have no idea why but I'm actually very insecure. Especially when it comes to you."
"You shouldn't be," he grabs my hand, "Let's face it, you are an ass but I still want to take this banana ride with you. I think I made it clear many times."
"And I want that too, I swear."
"It's going to get hard," he says, "It goes really fast and you'll get absolutely wet but what it makes you feel it's something you'll never forget. It's worth it, I promise."
"I'm going to scream," I laugh, "I'm going to scream and I'm going to be a pain in the ass most of the time but I want this. And I promise it too, bearing with me it's worth it as well. Or at least, I want it to be."
"I know it is," he smiles, "I knew that from the moment you told me you were straight," he laughs.
"I'll hold on to you so hard that I'll end up hurting you," I sigh, "And I'm not just talking about the banana boat. But I can promise you something, I'll try not to hurt you, I swear."
"Let's do this, then?" he smiles, "Does Bubu, the Adonis want to ride this banana boat with his Bum, the beauty?"
"He does," I smile, "He is about to shit in his pants but I'm pretty sure he does."
And then it hits me, it doesn't matter how much he tries, guys but the tourist never goes out of Styles.
See what I did there? I'm sure you did.
---
[WORLD CUP IS BACK! YAY! I can't believe how long it took me to continue this and I'm sorry about that But, hey! Now that I'm back at it, I remember how much I enjoy writing this story. Cocky Harry warms my heart every time. I hope you like this comeback. Seb.]