A.N.:// This chapter is a little bit softer than the last ;)
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Arthur's words hung heavy in the air. Sarrum stared at Arthur as if trying to figure out what went wrong in his head. "You can't be serious."
"I am very serious." And how could Arthur not be? The answer had been right there, hidden in Sarrum's books, books that Uther would have burned on sight.
"He may be a King, but only in title. He doesn't have a kingdom! There is no land to his name! He has no money, no castle, nothing! What makes you think he's worth reasoning with?"
Arthur raised his sword a little higher. "I think you misunderstand what a kingdom is. A kingdom is not simply defined by land or borders, it is determined by its people. All these years we have been judging over people that aren't our own. Why I need to reason with the King of the Druids? Because if we kill him, there will be an army of magic users attacking our kingdoms and apparently -" Arthur pointed at Aithusa, "he has dragons."
Sarrum scowled at him before he snapped: "If his people live in my kingdom, they are my people by definition!"
"No, they aren't! And you're proving that yourself! If being a magic user gets you killed, then you're banning them from your kingdom, SHOWING that they don't belong. Camelot has done the same thing. Where do you suggest they go? How could they all live in one giant kingdom if just anyone can pick up the art? My sister turned to magic and that alone made her our enemy. If they appear anywhere in the world at random, then of course they don't have borders to claim their own."
Sarrum opened his mouth, then closed it. That alone proved to Arthur that he had won the argument. But he wasn't quite done yet. "If Emrys is the King of the Druids, the last Dragonlord and magic himself, then we need to let him judge upon his own people. What does it say about us that we simply ignored him and slaughtered his people while he didn't even kill you to save his own daughter!"
Sarrum let down his sword, clearly thinking hard. "Well, I would say, if we have to reason with him, then let us hear what his demands are? And what he can provide in exchange?"
Arthur nodded, then turned to Merlin, bracing himself for what may come next. "You heard him, Emrys. The peace negotiations are open. What are your demands?" Emrys. How strange the name tasted on his tongue.
Merlin stared at them both, then slowly rose to his feet. Uncertain, he faced them, emotion guiding his voice as he spoke. "I wish for my daughter to be free."
"Are you kidding me-"
"Let him speak, Sarrum!" Arthur glared at him.
Merlin nodded gratefully. "I wish for you to judge magic users on their actions and not kill them for having magic. It is nothing they choose, magic chooses THEM. And lastly -" Merlin took a deep breath. "I want to know where that dragon gate is."
Sarrum's eyes nearly boggled out of their sockets. "NO. NEVER." He shook his head vehemently. "That dragon alone is enough to destroy a kingdom. I won't give you an ARMY. And magic users have threatened my kingdom and Camelot too- for years! I can't do any of that! What do we get in return? He is a servant, what could HE even provide?!" The last part was directed at Arthur and Arthur knew the man was more than annoyed at this point.
No wonder. He had been open enough to invite Arthur and his men and what did Arthur do? Invite a sorcerer who freed the dragon Sarrum kept in the dungeon for safekeeping, let him destroy a big part of the castle and now Arthur demanded Sarrum to respect that same man with not only respect, but the respect worthy of a King. Arthur was demanding a lot. No matter how sure Arthur was that he was doing the right thing, it was too much to spring on a man so suddenly.
Still. "What do we get in return, Emrys?"
Merlin's eyes were full of devotion for Arthur, in a way that physically hurt as he turned back to him. "It's a lot simpler than you might think." Merlin smiled coyly. "Free magic and magic will be your friend. Let my people live in peace and you will receive peace in turn. Give them land and they can use magic to grow plants quicker than your farmers ever could. You will never starve again when the weather turns against you. Reach out your hand to my people and they can heal your wounds. Give them homes and they will help you build castles higher than you see. Let me free the dragons and I will order them to protect you from your enemies." Merlin paused meaningfully. "That is what I can offer."
Arthur's eyes blurred for a moment as he forgot to blink at Merlin's promise. He hadn't expected Merlin to have thought this through to that extent. Arthur chanced a glance at Sarrum who seemed to have lost his ability to speak. "Does that answer your question, King Sarrum?"
Sarrum caught himself. "And what if we don't do it? What if we don't listen to you?"
Merlin's gaze darkened. Arthur had a bad feeling about this but if he had to treat Merlin as Emrys, as a KING, then he had to let Merlin fight his own battles. The power behind Merlin's voice loomed dangerously over them. "Then your land will wither, your wounds will never heal and once I found the gate, your kingdom will cease to exist." Merlin suddenly seemed taller, more powerful than Arthur had ever seen him and somehow, terribly terrifying. The silence that followed reeked of fear and dragon's blood. Before any of them could accuse Merlin of blackmailing, Merlin elaborated: "Magic is tied to the very fabric of the world. Ban it from your land and you will receive the consequences. This is not a threat, Sarrum." Merlin paused dramatically. "That is simply what will happen if you drain the earth of its life without giving back. When I let the dragons roam as they please - and trust me, I will find the gate, it's my duty as Dragonlord to set them free- they will seek revenge for what you will choose to do to them. And I won't be lifting a hand when they defend themselves."
Terror was not enough to describe what Arthur was feeling at that moment. His heart was pounding in his chest at the threat and the fear that went along with it. Arthur was anxious. He had not been prepared for Merlin acting all tough and powerful. He had not expected Merlin to hold all the cards in his hand. Arthur had hoped Merlin was still the same frightened servant he'd always been, albeit with magic. That he wasn't aware of what him being Emrys truly meant. Arthur had only planned on helping Merlin out, giving him immunity and a chance to reason and help him grow into his role as King. He had not expected this.
Arthur swallowed hard. Then, he stuck his sword into the ground and reached out his sweating, albeit gloved hand. "In the name of Camelot, I accept your demands." They sounded reasonable. Terrifying but reasonable and in a way, inevitable. "In exchange for peace, I will bring peace to your people."
Merlin turned to Arthur, the power still swirling around him. Yet, his expression relaxed. He seemed somewhat surprised to see Arthur's hand outstretched to him, but he reached out non the less. "Thank you, Arthur." He squeezed his hand in a stronger grip than Arthur had expected. Merlin twitched a smile. "My king." Arthur's breath hitched and he quickly let go as if he had been burned.
Sarrum, however, stepped back. "You cannot expect me to agree to such impossible demands! All of this is ridiculous! That dragon is MINE! Sorcerers and magic are pure evil! There will never be peace if I let them roam freely!"
Merlin stared at Arthur a moment longer before he averted his eyes and glanced at Sarrum. "If that is your wish."
"NO!" Sarrum growled. "I won't let you threaten me!"
"I told you it's not a threat-" Merlin said, eyes narrowing and it was at those words that something behind them moved. High from the sky, something grew rapidly closer and Arthur nearly had a heart attack. Merlin froze, then turned around and grimaced. "Oh- But I guess I forgot to mention that I called for backup."
"Backup?" Sarrum stumbled backwards, hitting a tree in his blind retreat. "Is that -"
"That, King Sarrum, is Kilgharrah." Merlin sighed. The trees around them bent at the wind those wings caused.
"Merlin-" Arthur said, quickly grabbing his sword once again. HECK, it was one thing after another today. "What do you need backup for?" Yeah, okay, that was definitely the great dragon. Who was alive!
Merlin shifted nervously, which looked oddly funny, all things considered. "Someone had to take care of Aithusa after you killed me... well, that was the plan."
The plan. For after Arthur killed him. Holy shit, how was Merlin so casual about all of this? "So, you called another dragon?"
"He won't do anything to you! I ordered him to stay away from Camelot! He's not going to hurt you."
"I believe that when I see it." Arthur felt cold sweat running down his back as the giant creature burst through the trees and basically forced a line into the clearing by fiery breath. After obliterating a full on tree, the giant creature landed on its sharp claws and raised his head so close to Arthur that he could see its giant fangs up close. It was as if Arthur's worst nightmare had come back to live.
And then- "Young warlock, you have called me." The dragon SPOKE and BOWED to him.
Arthur's arms went limp. "This is a dream. I'm having a fever. This is not happening." Normally, Arthur would have run off, or maybe try to attack the dragon, but after everything that had happened today, he didn't feel confident enough to move. King Sarrum seemed to have no such qualms, because he quickly turned on his heels, screaming at his men in the forest to take cover. Useless, Arthur thought as he tried to keep standing where he was. That Dragon could destroy the entire forest in a single breath.
Suddenly, Arthur no longer trusted his own decision to make peace with magic. To trust Merlin, Emrys, or whichever his real name was. Arthur no longer felt secure on his feet, wind blasting in his face and the ground beneath him shaking just from the presence of one of Emrys' little pets.
Lancelot, Elian and Leon finally shifted into nervous, uncoordinated fighting stances, although they were waiting for Arthur's order. An order that would never come because Arthur was too frightened to do anything. Merlin remained calm in front of the giant threat.
"Kilgharrah." Merlin greeted the dragon calmly, like an old friend. He stepped forward, between Arthur and the Dragon and Arthur was grateful for the layer of protection.
The dragon scanned the clearing with his golden eyes before they settled sadly on the white dragon. She seemed to have been sleeping up until now, although her eyes were blaringly open, accepting of whatever fate awaited her. "What happened?" The dragon's voice was loud and clear, yet sad and exhausted. The sight before him did not surprise him but it caused him pain.
"I failed her." Merlin responded quietly, accepting.
The dragon closed his eyes. "Do not blame yourself, young warlock. You set her free, you did as you had to, it is not your fault." He paused before looking back up and meeting Merlin's eyes. In a strange way, it seemed like the giant creature was looking UP to Merlin.
"It was my job to protect her."
The dragon remained quiet for a while and it seemed like Merlin had spoken the last word. Then, Kilgharrah sighed, nodding at the warlock. "Why have you called me?"
Merlin braced himself. "I need your help healing her. I need you to take care of her."
The dragon straightened himself in surprise. "I have told you before that although you seem to think so, I am not all knowing. Healing has never been my fortune and I am not a babysitter."
Merlin frowned and clicked his teeth. "Well, then be glad my plans have changed. You will only have to babysit her for a couple of days. Answer me this: What do you know about the Dragon gate?"
It was odd to think that the dragon's features were somehow humanoid but he raised his brows in a way that was way too reminiscent of Gaius'. Arthur's grip on the sword tightened. "Merlin -," Arthur hissed because he was very uncomfortable with the fact that the dragon was completely ignoring him. As if he were a bug not worth the attention.
The dragon noticed his reaction and slowly his golden eyes strayed to Arthur. Arthur nearly fainted. "King Arthur-," the dragon spoke, "It is an honor to finally meet you."
Arthur was pretty sure his heart was ready to give out. It was pounding so hard that he was sure he wouldn't make it, but he had not lost his voice yet. "We've met before."
"We have?" The dragon sounded genuinely surprised, yet it didn't help that his teeth were about as big as Arthur's forearm.
"You attacked me and my knights. I thought I had killed you. Many people died."
"Oh yeah -" The dragon nodded as if suddenly remembering. "It was hard to tell, you all look the same in your shiny little boxes from above."
"You mean my armor?" Arthur blanched.
"Kilgharrah!," Merlin dared to scold the creature. "The dragon gate."
"Ah yes." Kilgharrah's attention returned to Merlin whom he seemed to be taking a lot more seriously. "You've never been very patient. It is a legend, young warlock. A tale told to our young to deal with grief and loss. It is said that the souls of our dead would all return to one place at the heart of magic and that one day, the gates will be reopened and the dragons return to the land."
"At the heart of magic?"
"It is a fairy tale, young warlock. It exists to provide comfort."
Merlin, strangely enough, mimed the brow of sincere doubt. "A fairy tale? After all the prophecies, destinies and legends you keep annoying me with, THIS is just a tale to you?" Merlin paused. "I am literally magic itself, doesn't this imply I have some kind of access to that gate?"
The dragon tilted his head a little. "I have seen many things, I have seen empires rise and fall and I know the fate of men. But even I cannot see the path to my own destiny. When you found the dragon egg, I had not believed I would ever see such a wonder again. Faith is a dangerous weapon. It can enable you to do great things, but it can also crush your soul. I am old, Merlin. And my expectations and hopes are worn thin. Sometimes it is better not to hope. It can save a lot of heartbreak."
The words sunk in slowly before Merlin exhaled a deep breath. "Normally, I have a lot to say to you but I would rather do it at a different time. Now I want you to tell me what you know. If it exists, I wish to open the gate."
The dragon nodded gracefully, no - he bowed to Merlin before he complied. "I have told you nearly all I know. It is said that you need a white dragon to open it. To find the gate you must trace the trail of the ancient Kings but I do not know what that means. That is all I have, young warlock."
Merlin nodded to him, then seemed to consider for a moment. "Thank you, Kilgharrah. I still want you to stay here and make sure Aithusa is safe." He turned to Lancelot. "Lance, You stay too. Kilgharrah won't harm you but he can surely tell you how to take care of Aithusa's wounds even if his own magic isn't enough."
Lancelot seemed startled as he was addressed but he quickly nodded, completely disregarding the fact that he was a knight of Camelot, not of Emrys. "Of course." He said and added: "Your highness." With a smirk, to which Merlin grimaced.
Finally, for the first time in a couple of minutes, Merlin's attention fell back on Arthur. "Arthur, you and I should go together."
Arthur's eyes widened. "Together?" With Merlin? "On a quest to unleash the dragons?"
"You gave me your word." Merlin's expression shifted with obvious nerves. To set his people free. To set the dragons free. "Unless you've changed your mind."
"No. Yeah, I mean, of course I'll come with you." Arthur swallowed and retracted his sword once again. Then he forced himself into a more confident stance. "I'll come with you."
Merlin relaxed before he answered. "I understand that this is a lot." That was probably the understatement of the year. "If it makes you more comfortable, you can choose people to guard you." Merlin shifted nervously. "I don't expect you to trust me." He paused. "I mean- you kind of do, don't you? You did give me your word... I just mean, if it helps. You probably won't want to be alone with me right now." He was stuttering and twitching and seemingly very unsure.
And to Arthur's own discomfort, Merlin was right. With both assessments. He couldn't trust him, yet he couldn't fully stop trusting him. It was a difficult feeling to have. Knowing that if he was just being foolish, if Merlin was tricking him, he was dooming more than just Camelot's future. "I won't take any of my knights with me."
Merlin blinked in surprise. "No? Why not?"
"I don't know how many of them you've manipulated." The words were harsh and Arthur knew that but right now, he needed the distance. He needed a realistic idea of whom to trust and right now, every person he'd ever trusted, blindly followed Merlin's decisions. It made sense that they were confused. It made sense that they had listened to Merlin. Merlin was the person closest to Arthur, who's guidance he himself had followed more often than he should like to admit. He was the man his knights relied on when Arthur was unconscious or absent, sometimes even above Agravaine's orders who was supposed to be Arthur's right hand.
Arthur knew all that, had agreed to a diplomatic discussion with Emrys, and yet he needed to rely on people that were not immediately drawn to Merlin. The lies, the secrecy, they made Arthur unsure. It made him feel like something important had been taken from him. Arthur needed control over the situation more than ever before.
Merlin's relief hardened to something like bitter understanding. "I understand."
Arthur closed his eyes for a moment, thinking deeply of whom he wanted to take with him, instead. Sir Leon may be his best option among the knights but he had already decided not to take the knights who had been exposed to Merlin's charm. If Arthur wanted distance, wanted to reassess his picture of Merlin and see him more objectively, then he would have to rely on people neither of them knew. People who may even hate Merlin.
Arthur thought of Sarrum, but immediately discarded the idea since the man had already fled. "Elian, Leon -" Arthur began. "Tell Gwaine and Percival to stay here and take care of that dragon. Make sure King Sarrum doesn't get any stupid ideas. If he sends troops to Camelot, return home to defend it and send Sir Leon to inform me. Abandon the dragon only if you have to."
"Sire!" Elian spoke up for the first time since the entire thing started. Confusion and fear was written all over his face. "You want us to stay with two dragons?"
Arthur gritted his teeth. "I will be honest, Sir Elian. I cannot guarantee your safety. I have made the decision to put faith in this new peace treaty between Emrys and Camelot, and I ask you to trust in me. But should I be proven wrong, take cover and save yourselves. There is no dishonor in running from a dragon. Trust me, I'd rather know you back in Camelot, alive, than here." Arthur paused, watching Elian calm slightly. "But- should I be proven wrong in all of you and you only ever followed Merlin, and not me - then this is your chance to find out whom you've been trusting all this time."
Arthur had never felt as distant from his knights as he did in this moment. He had never felt more torn and alone, even when he saw Elian's expression darken in sudden determination. "I have sworn loyalty to you, Sire. And I trust your decision."
Sir Leon didn't look all that impressed but he nodded at Arthur as well. "Well, I suppose, if Merlin wanted to, he'd feed us to the dragons regardless of what we do. If one dragon alone is enough to destroy Camelot, then what difference makes an army?" He put on a calming smile. "We never regretted trusting in either of you. I, too, trust your decision."
Arthur didn't believe in those words for a single second. "And Lancelot?" Sir Lancelot straightened his back. "If you're so keen on listening to Merlin's orders, then you will be in charge of these dragons. You alone must stay here, no matter what happens. Your only order is to guard the dragon. Defend her with your life if you must." Arthur chanced a glance at a patient Merlin who was listening and not once interrupting. "I promised I would bring peace to your people, even if that includes the dragons. Until after we signed a treaty, after I'm certain of whether or not it is wise to trust you, Sir Lancelot will be considered your knight. Whether he is a traitor will be determined after."
Merlin didn't seem very surprised. Perhaps, and Arthur hoped that was the reason, Merlin didn't doubt his own trustworthiness. Sir Lancelot, however, grimaced as he looked from one King to another, and wasn't that a funny thought?
Merlin sent Arthur a calm smile. "Anything, Arthur. Whatever you need."
The words hit Arthur deep where his guilt was being suppressed by his doubt.
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
"This is insane."
"Matthew, calm down."
"We are traveling with King Arthur of Camelot, THE king who hates magic and EMRYS himself who killed our comrades. To open a gate to a bunch of murder creatures! How on earth am I supposed to stay calm?"
Arthur's nerves were still trying to settle as he blindly followed Merlin into the woods. He had no idea what Merlin's plan was and he wasn't quite sure how to ask. There were a few things that didn't make sense that Merlin would have to explain to him later but it hadn't felt like the timing was right. It had seemed more important to him to have people join that wouldn't trust Merlin. It seemed most reasonable to ask the ruffian who had just buried his comrades whom Merlin had murdered. Salem had first seemed very confused, then he'd agreed under the condition to travel with his partner. And it had taken a long time to convince THAT man to come with.
In addition to these ruffians with questionable morale, Arthur had sent Sir Leon to bring Sir Kay who had remained in the castle. Since Merlin distrusted Sir Kay and Kay liked to quote Agravaine's mistrust on Merlin in turn, Arthur figured that the youngster was less of a risk than the adult knights.
It had gone a little like this:
Sir Kay had nearly had a heart attack as he reached the clearing that evening and they explained the situation to him. "I KNEW Merlin wasn't trustworthy! He always seemed to be hiding something!" And then he'd blanched when Arthur explained to him what they were planning, although he wisely kept him away from Aithusa and the other giant dragon who watched the whole thing unfold like a private show. When Arthur had finally announced that the two ruffians would come with them, Kay had practically fainted.
"King Sarrum told us not to return to the castle." Sir Leon had added calmly as he brought out all their belongings. "He allowed us to gather our things but he warned us to keep away from Amata." He had given Arthur a package of his things before he went on to deliver Merlin his. "I suggest that once the dragon is a little better, we take her to Camelot. It will be a long trip, but it would be better than leave her here under Sarrum's threat."
The gears in Arthur's mind had twisted and turned, unsure what to make of Leon's proposal. It made sense, yet it was terrifying to think of moving the dragon closer to home. "You're taking all of this awfully well, Sir Leon."
Sir Leon didn't even twitch as he went to pet his horse. "I've seen quite a few things as a knight of Camelot. It's always been my job to watch, listen and obey. I have watched Merlin risk his life for yours, I listened to the way he speaks to you and how you speak to him, even how you speak about each other, and I trust in your orders, my lord." He turned to Arthur with a calm smile. "There is very little that can shock me. If this is about your concerns for my loyalty, my life belongs to Camelot, regardless of the King or Queen in charge. My objective could not be simpler. In case that's what worries you."
The conflict never left Arthur, even as they ventured deeper into the forest, following after Merlin's back, leaving the safety of the knight network behind. At least Sir Kay had put himself back together.
"Emrys, where exactly are we headed?" Arthur had sworn to himself that this was going to be a trip of two kings. He and Merlin had a lot to discuss, a lot of secrets to explain and put in context. There was a whole new person Arthur had to get to know. A whole different Merlin, and it was easier to distinguish the two by the name that marked the lie itself. Even if it was difficult to see Merlin as anything other than the man Arthur had known, it was nearly impossible to see him without the magic, now.
Emrys used his hand to push some branches out of the way, considerately waiting for Arthur to pass them. The ruffians were being guided by a very grumpy and terrified Sir Kay. Once they were walking side by side, Merlin spoke up. "We're headed for the valley of the fallen kings. When something is tied to the ancient kings, it usually leads there."
Arthur blinked at the implication as he stumbled ahead. "So - this happens often?"
Merlin nodded. "More often than you'd think." After that, Merlin went quiet again and that made Arthur twitchy. It had been hard enough to start that conversation, now it was hard to keep it going.
"Care to elaborate?"
Merlin considered for a tad too long. "Not really."
Arthur hated this. This feeling of emotional distance. He wanted to bridge the wall between them, wanted desperately to gain certainty and reassurance that he'd made the right decision. The lifted secret only added to the mystery that Merlin was, it enhanced the enigma and layered him in a dangerous aura, making Arthur more and more wary, the more he realized how little he knew his friend. And that, ironically, caused Arthur to crave even more distance. To get away, to pretend it wasn't all there. So obvious and painful like a blade twisting in his chest.
"Since when have you been practicing magic?" Even as Arthur said it, he knew it was a stupid question.
Merlin hesitated. "Always," he clipped shortly, awkwardly.
"Merlin." Arthur slipped up, urging him to be more precise.
"I don't know how else to say it. I was born with it." Merlin said a little frustrated. "The first time I opened my eyes, they were golden. That's what my mom told me anyway."
Arthur fell a little behind, still trying to catch up. "And your father -"
"I've known Balinor for as long as you have." Merlin tensed around the question. "I inherited his powers the moment he died."
Every response felt like a blow to the gut. "And you sent the dragon away, telling me I defeated it to protect Camelot and save my honor."
"Sort of." Silence followed. Arthur tried to see it positively. Merlin did still answer him, that was good. Putting into words what had happened was good too. It gave Arthur perspective and put the mystery into context.
"This is weird." Arthur muttered because it really was. "All this time, you lied to me. You're not a fool, you're not weak - you're... someone else. And it's strange - the other you."
Merlin bit his lip before he stopped in his tracks, forcing Arthur to pause as well. "All I ever wanted -," Merlin said with an intensity to his voice and his eyes that put Arthur's heart on fire, "was for you to see me for who I really am. And it's - You still knew me better than anyone else did, Arthur." He gave Arthur a moment to absorb the passion and the pain, then he turned back to keep moving.
Arthur followed after him a little wobbly on his knees once again. This time not of fear but emotional pain. And confusion. And something else that had long become integral to each of his conversations with Merlin. It used to act up every time Merlin did something strange or ominous, things that made Arthur wonder. Now, Merlin's answer was no longer confusing, it was clear and honest and now, instead of being free of this feeling, Arthur ached even worse than ever before.
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
Merlin's PoV:
It hurt. Seeing Arthur look at him with so much confusion and pain and the desperate need to understand, the near plead for Merlin to explain, to not be a liar, to not be a traitor - it literally burned in his heart, making it hard to breathe and even harder to speak, knowing that he couldn't give him that.
Arthur was the best King Albion would ever know. That sentence still rang true, was proven even when Arthur had decided not to kill but to elevate Merlin's position. No longer a servant, now a King. Merlin wanted to hit his head against the tree because of what it cost him. His honesty had cost him his friendship and his trust. He couldn't care less about the title.
"I think we should make up camp." It had gotten dark and they were all exhausted from the events of this day, as Arthur correctly pointed out. "Sir Kay, Salem, Matthew, you three should sleep. I'll keep first watch."
Merlin turned to Arthur. "You never take a watch."
Arthur started a moment and looked as if he wanted to apologize to Merlin in the same breath he wanted to ridicule him. "I don't think I could sleep if I tried. And I'm -"
"You're not sure whom to trust."
Arthur bit his lip again. "I just-"
"No need to explain." Merlin nodded with what he hoped was an understanding smile. "I'll sleep for a couple hours if you don't mind. My magic will wake me if something happens but you can wake me too. I'll be there whenever you need me." With that, Merlin walked around the trees, trying to figure out where exactly they were. Then he went to gather some firewood. However -
Sir Kay's voice reached him almost hatefully before Merlin had even left the camp. "Where are you going?"
Merlin turned around to face the knight. Merlin could see Arthur tense but the King didn't comment on Sir Kay's behavior. Instead, he turned to the ruffians and gave them orders on getting water or helping him hunt, his back pointedly turned on them. "I'm getting firewood. And food if I find any. You can join me if you like."
Sir Kay grumbled, hand uselessly on the pommel of his sword. "You're not fooling me, you know?! Magic is evil and so are you."
Merlin grimaced. "If it were that simple, then you were already dead."
Sir Kay twitched and suddenly he unsheathed his sword, pointing it at an unmoving Merlin. "You're threatening a knight of Camelot! Don't underestimate me!"
Merlin glanced at the blade and sighed. "Put that thing down before you hurt yourself. I've faced kittens more threatening than you." Merlin pushed the sword down and moved on to venture deeper into the woods. "To be fair she was giant and technically cursed to kill, but she was still a kitten."
Sputtering and probably confused, Sir Kay followed after him. And because it was easier to fall back into old habits, Merlin mindlessly picked up wood and put them into Sir Kay's arms. At first, the knight stumbled and let his sword fall under the weight, so Merlin made sure to sheath the sword for him, which at first seemed to terrify the knight out of his mind. "Thanks." He then said quietly, almost helpless. But he was young and polite and despite what he said, he respected Merlin. Because the other knights respected Merlin. He just didn't know why. "The King trusts you."
Merlin tensed, then led them further away from the camp. "Not right now. Not as much as he used to."
"How could you do this to him? To Camelot! You betrayed him!" Although accusing, the boy seemed far more confused than anything. He was curious and that was a good thing.
"In my experience, betrayal has many layers," Merlin answered honestly. "If you want to talk about my actions, you have to define what the betrayal is first before you accuse me of it. If it's the magic, then I couldn't help it. I cannot change who I am. If you want to talk about the decisions I've made, I assure you I did them with Camelot's best interest at heart. If there was a moment I defied Camelot, then I betrayed Uther's Camelot to protect Arthurs', and if you want to talk about the secrecy and the lies, then I did it to protect my friends, my family, my dragon, my people or my destiny." Merlin sent the startled boy a glance. "Sometimes you don't choose to betray people, sometimes your only choice is WHO to betray. Besides, I feel betrayed too, you know?" Merlin put another lumps of wood in Sir Kay's arm. "A kingdom is there to protect its people. Therefore I was betrayed the moment I was born." Merlin moved on, the wind rustling through his hair. "Sometimes I wonder how you knights can be so obsessed with loyalty when you don't understand what people pay for it." Merlin stopped handing the wood to Kay and loaded them onto himself.
"Pay? The price for loyalty is our lives! That is what we pay!" He raised his chin to seem more threatening. "If you had any honor, you would know that!"
Merlin sighed. "The price for loyalty, Sir Kay, is betrayal. If you choose to be loyal to your King, you have to be ready to betray everyone else, including yourself." Merlin pondered a moment, then faced Sir Kay once more, watching the man tense around the advice. "Giving up your life is a rather cheap price to pay if you ask me."
Sir Kay paled.
"Come on," Merlin nudged the youngster in the side with his sharp elbow. "We'll bring back the wood, then we can hunt dinner."
The knight may have protested but perhaps he took Merlin's explanation to heart.
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
Arthur's PoV:
He didn't want to know what Merlin had discussed with Sir Kay to find the young man so frightened and deep in thought. It did, however, make him anxious not to know.
Matthew and Salem had been bickering the entire time they brought water and put out their bedrolls and it made Arthur crave for simpler times.
Eventually, after they had gathered food and prepared the camp, they all sat around the fireplace where Merlin struggled making a fire for them.
"What do you think he's doing?" Salem whispered to Matt.
"Are you blind? He's making a fire!"
"I'm not dumb, Matt! Why isn't he using magic?"
Merlin sighed. "You do know that I can hear you, right?"
At that, both men startled and clung to each other protectively. Arthur wished he could laugh at the idea that a bunch of ruffians were terrified of his manservant. Then Arthur remembered what had killed their comrades and all the humor was forgotten.
At Arthur's glance, Merlin shrugged apologetically. "It's a habit." Then his eyes glowed for a moment and the fire was lit.
"Damn, that's a handy skill." Matthew mumbled. "Can you do that?" He turned to Salem who flicked him against the forehead.
"I can NOT, and you know that!"
Arthur perked up. "What is he talking about? Do you have magic?"
Salem shifted nervously. His eyes glanced from King Arthur to Emrys himself while he considered whether or not to answer. "Well, yes but very little. I grew up among the druids and I learned some simple things, like talking telepathically. I don't do it often because it's annoying to be randomly talked to."
Merlin snorted. "Oh yeah, tell me about it."
Arthur glanced at him, at the offhanded smile, and quickly looked away. "Mind speak is considered little?"
"Oh yeah," Salem confirmed. "You have to have magic for it but it's kind of the lowest form of it. I mean, it's talking, so whatever."
Arthur now, suddenly, felt curious as he saw the sterner looking Matt squeeze Salem's hand. "And how did you two meet?"
Salem raised a brow, clearly surprised that he was so interesting to the King of Camelot. "Well, uh -" He chanced a glance at his partner, then uncovered his arm to reveal the druid symbol. For a moment the triskele silenced the round, then he went on to explain. "It's a bit of a long story but yeah. Erm. I didn't have enough magic to really use it but it had been enough for my parents to notice and bring me to a place they thought I'd be safe in. So, the druids took care of me instead. But having this symbol is more a curse than a blessing. It marks me as lawless. Unprotected by the laws of any kingdom and free to hunt for whoever wants to. When I met Matt, he was a bounty hunter who specialized in capturing druids and bringing them to whoever paid for them. He and a couple others attacked our camp, he captured me and yeah." He glanced at Matt again. "That's how we met."
"Okay, hold on." Arthur was flabbergasted. "You can't be telling me THAT'S how you met!"
Salem laughed: "But it's true."
"Then how -"
Salem shrugged. "I wasn't worth much on the market and he found me annoying."
"Because you ARE annoying."
"I'm actually the reasonable one." Salem said with a cheshire grin.
"Reasonable my ass! You made us follow the guy who killed our crew, and the king of Camelot!" Matt grunted.
"My instincts are also much better than his." Matt added, ignoring his partner. "I saved his life twice on our way to King Cendred who he wanted to sell me to. So he also kind of owed me his life. That's why he eventually relented."
"You protected me from a swarm of bees that YOU provoked!"
"And you're allergic!!!" Salem kept grinning widely.
Arthur couldn't help but smile at the exchange. It felt strangely familiar. He glanced at Merlin who was smiling fondly as well, although there was a guilt there. Merlin had moved on to prepare their food which was why his smile was mostly directed at the animal in his lap.
Then, suddenly, Merlin spoke up. "I'm sorry for what happened to your comrades. I was protecting my daughter. They would have shot her."
The two men went quiet. Salem nodded seriously. "I know. I knew it then too. You only redirected what they threw at you. And I saw the state that the dragon was in. I get it. And don't worry about those two, we only worked for them because we owed them money."
"Thank you." Merlin looked up with gratitude in his eyes, then returned to the food.
Arthur cleared his throat at the awkward situation. Even Sir Kay had gone eerily quiet. Then Arthur turned to Matt. "What's it like... Living with a magic user?"
Matt frowned. "Uh - I dunno. Normal, I guess. He sometimes senses weird shit in the forest but that's it. He's just a guy."
"Oi!" Salem looked unimpressed. "I am the love of your life, remember? I'm not just a guy."
"I have low standards."
Salem actually kicked him for that but Matt only grinned at the reaction.
Arthur could tell that Matt was lying. He seemed protective, like a guardian almost. And the gleam in his eyes was the most in love expression Arthur had ever seen. It was even dopier than the one Uther had had when he had fallen in love with that troll.
"What about you?," Salem suddenly asked. "You two seem pretty close."
Arthur's eyes widened. He didn't mean like - Arthur quickly gathered his wits. "Merlin - I mean, Emrys here, was my manservant." Somehow Arthur's ideas ran out right there.
"Uhuh." Salem exchanged a glance with his boyfriend. "You guys did mention that. How come the great Emrys ended up as your manservant?"
Arthur turned to Merlin. "Yeah. How DID the great Emrys end up my manservant?"
Merlin shrugged at first. "You know exactly how it went, Sire. I came to Camelot, I saved your life, your father declared me your manservant. That's all there is to it."
"But you're Emrys!" Arthur really wanted to understand. Why would someone as powerful as Merlin come to Camelot?
"Can you stop calling me that?! It's weird enough when the druids do it. My name is Merlin, always has been. I didn't know who Emrys was for a very long time until Mordred called me that, and I needed Kilgharrah to explain why."
"And you just thought you could go down into the dungeons to speak to a dragon?"
Merlin snorted. "No no. It's like Salem just told you. It's annoying when you're constantly called in your head and Kilgharrah is a very patient and a very annoying dragon. And sometimes I needed his advice to save your life so I talked to him."
"I see." Arthur fumbled around with his hands. "But why did you stay? Wasn't it way too dangerous for you to stay in Camelot? And right in my service?"
Merlin shrugged. "Yeah well, those were my thoughts too after I saw you bully that servant of yours."
Arthur shifted nervously as all eyes judgingly turned to him.
"Even when the dragon told me that you were destined to become the greatest King Albion had ever known, I still thought you were a pratt." Merlin smirked at Arthur who found himself - lost. That's why Merlin stayed? "I still think you are one, by the way." Merlin added, ripping Arthur from his thoughts. "It didn't take me very long to understand what the dragon meant. You have a good heart, Arthur. And you needed someone who told you that when everyone around you wanted you to believe it was a weakness. It wasn't very hard to stay by your side and I never regretted it."
"I'm hardly the greatest King Albion has ever known if my best friend can't even tell me who he really is."
Merlin looked up and likely saw the pain in Arthur's eyes. "I have my own failings too, you know? At first, it was the fear of your father, then it was my regrets and in the end -" Merlin paused heavily. "I was ashamed."
"Ashamed?"
"Of myself. Not of the magic, never the magic, but the way I betrayed it. I let people die that I could have saved. I told you magic was evil more than once, I sacrificed people in your name and lied to you. I'm not the man you thought I was and I'm - afraid I never will be." Merlin closed his eyes as if this was the heaviest burden he had to bear. "And the worst part is, if I share it, all of it, you might think worse of yourself, because I know you, Arthur. You've always taken on burdens that aren't your own. You feel betrayed, you lost your trust in everyone and you blame yourself because of me -" Merlin dared to meet Arthur's eyes. "And now I can't even be there for you to bear it. I'm just another traitor in your book and in a way, you're right. I just -" Merlin inhaled shakily. "You deserve better than that."
Was Arthur imagining it or did Merlin have tears in his eyes? The small gathering was quiet once again as Merlin tried to catch his breath. Arthur took in the words, tried to process them but it was hard. What Merlin wanted, his objective, it seemed so simple now. 'Whatever you need, Arthur.' Merlin wanted to be whatever Arthur needed. More, he wanted to be whatever Arthur deserved. "No, Merlin -" Arthur whispered. "You deserve better than that."
Their eyes met for another few moments before Merlin sniffed awkwardly and announced that their food was ready. The other three witnesses wisely kept their mouths shut.
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
Merlin stayed awfully close to Arthur that night. Arthur kept sitting against a tree during his watch, still not able to sleep. From the other side of the camp, he could hear one of the ruffians snoring while Sir Kay slept near the fire. The boy had announced that he'd keep watch with Arthur but he had fallen asleep quickly. Merlin was curled up not far from Arthur's feet, head towards him as if the quietest noise from Arthur would wake him into action.
Suddenly, Arthur heard some rustling and saw how Salem got up, shoving Matt off of him before he took his blanket and walked over to Arthur. "Hey," he greeted him and sat down beside him.
Arthur nodded back. "Can't sleep?"
"Matt snores. I usually take first watch, it's easier to bear when I'm dead on my feet."
Arthur hummed in response as he played with a loose branch, rearranging the leafs around Merlin's head.
"He's - different than I thought." Salem suddenly said. "Emrys, I mean."
Arthur halted for a moment. "You think? I feel like he's a lot more the person I thought he was than I thought he was..." Arthur frowned. "You know what I mean. It's just - I've known him for so long and when he turned out to be a sorcerer, I thought the first thing he'd do is try to murder me. Instead - well." Arthur pointed vaguely at him. "He's even more of an enigma now."
Salem smiled and put the blanket closer around himself against the wind. "I didn't know him as your servant, I meant more like how the druids described him. I thought he'd be older, taller, wiser."
"He can be wise sometimes." Arthur paused. "Now that I think about it, this explains a lot, actually."
Salem hummed. "When he killed our comrades, I could see it better. He's powerful, and terrifying. Doesn't let anyone deter him. It's either bow down or be killed." He chanced a look at Arthur. "He looks up to you."
Arthur snorted. "I'm not sure about that."
"He does." Salem sent him a pitiful smile. "And so do you."
"Not anymore."
Salem startled a little. "Okay, first of all, that's bullshit. Second of all, can I just point out that you just admitted that you looked up to your servant!"
Arthur shrugged and let his head hit the tree behind him. "He was my best friend, my closest confidante, my advisor. The people loved him, people who got hurt trusted him, the knights respected him, heck, even my father did to some degree. Sometimes I looked at him and thought that I wanted to be like him once I was king." Arthur paused. "Well, most of the time he was an idiot but he was always there when I needed him. He was - I guess he still is - the bravest man I've ever met. Facing dragons with me, and witches and everything... It's hard not to look up to a man like that."
Salem tilted his head to the other side. "I knew it."
"Knew what?"
Salem shrugged. "Nothing. Just that you look at him the way I look at Matt."
Arthur sputtered as he turned to him. "I beg your pardon?"
Salem rolled his eyes. "It's nothing to be ashamed of. He looks at you the same way, you know?"
Arthur huffed out a laugh. "Don't be ridiculous. He's Merlin - he's - a bumbling fool."
"A bumbling fool who keeps saying the most devoted shit ever. And so do you." Salem chuckled to himself. "You should forgive him." He let the words linger for a moment. "For the lies. For the secrets. It seems like he's been honest enough about the important bits."
Arthur sighed. "You don't understand. I'm not mad about the magic and the secrets. Not really. I try to be but I understand the reason behind it too well. I KNOW what happened to sorcerers in Camelot!" He took a deep breath. "It's just - It's who he is. It's not that he HAS magic, he IS magic. The man I trusted for all these years - he's just - gone. He's someone else entirely. And I'm not sure I'm ready to see him yet. I'm grieving a man who never existed!" Arthur paused, once more confused. "And that's kind of fucked up because it means I want him to pretend to being someone else, doesn't it? I lived my life, with my beliefs circling around ways to get rid of people like him and here I am -" Arthur let his arms plop into the ground beside him, not sure how to phrase it.
"In love with magic itself."
Arthur froze at those words before turning back to Salem. He couldn't respond. He didn't want to call it that. It didn't feel right. It felt like he was dirtying the word love itself with his actions and behavior, yet it was the only word that even came close to what he felt. Desperately, Arthur sent him a pleading glance. "I'm a hypocrite!" He said because it wasn't quite an objection but it also wasn't a confirmation. "I'm not the King he thinks I am! I'm not -"
"Worth his love?" Salem questioned, somehow nailing it on the head and yet - not.
"You're insufferable." Arthur buried his face in his palm. "It's -" How could he explain that? "You make it sound so simple. It's so much deeper than that."
Salem laughed a little. "Of course it is. It always is." He sighed. "Never thought I'd see the day I give the King of Camelot advice on his love life. Strange where the world leads us, huh?" He sent Arthur another smile.
"It's not -" Arthur grimaced. "Not really. It's just - urgh." He buried his face in his hands again, heart pounding like crazy.
"I know it's difficult." Salem directed a longing gaze towards his lover. "Even accepting it for what it is is hard sometimes. I'm not going to tell you that you should tell him. I feel like right now it's far more important that you start to accept who he is right now. The man he was isn't dead, you know? No one can lie for that long and not reveal giant truths about themselves."
"But how can I trust him?" Arthur was really starting to wonder why he was talking about all this with a stranger in the first place. It was just - easier, somehow. It reminded him of a conversation he had with his father a long time ago. 'How can you trust a man who's lied to you?'
"You know, that's the funny thing about trust. You may think it is, but trust isn't about honesty. Trust is believing in someone, believing that they do the things they do for the right reasons and that they will make their decisions with you in mind." Salem paused thoughtfully. "Kain- he was one of my mates Emrys killed, he always told me the truth. He once killed one of my druid family in cold blood. He told me. He didn't regret it and he didn't care how I felt about it. He thought it was funny how it made me mad. Matt was there while it happened, he was the one abducting me, after all." Salem sighed deeply. "For a long time, he didn't tell me that he had seen it. He felt guilty for keeping it from me but he still did. Kain later told me that Matt was there to let it happen, just to piss me off."
"And you still think that Matt is worth your trust?" Arthur felt anxious just thinking about it. "He should have told you."
But Salem shook his head. "I know him. Matt is hated by many people and there are times when I do hate him too. It doesn't bother him because he's not the type to change for the people around him. I could see that it tore him apart how much I hated Kain. He didn't want me to hate him to feel better about himself, heck, he lied about it when I was still just their captive. He lied because I was in pain. And I'm sure he would have told me the truth if he thought it would help me move past it." Salem chuckled. "Hate is a terrible burden. When I blamed Matt for the lie, he told me to punch him, to take it out on him so I could rest." Salem's eyes glistened. "That's the difference. People make mistakes. You can't trust that someone does the right things all the time, that's a pathetic kind of trust. Some people lie because they believe it protects you and I think Emrys did exactly that." He turned back to meet Arthur's gaze. "The question is, how far are you willing to trust him? Does it only go to the point of honesty, or does it go beyond?"
Arthur let that sink in. "I used to trust him with my life."
"And why does that have to change?"
Arthur stared at him, tried to come up with a smart answer but nothing came out.
Salem patted him on the shoulder. "You once made the decision to trust him. Now commit to it." With that, he got up again, picked up one of the satchels with water and went back to bed.
Arthur remained where he had been, staring at his manservant and feeling all the more like a hypocrite. Eventually, he stood up and gave Merlin his own blanket while he himself moved closer to the fire, one arm always in reach of Merlin's head.
"Arthur"
Arthur perked up, turning to Merlin and saw him smiling in his sleep.