Full title: LOD - The Distorted Ones - Book 1 of the Series LOD by Scanking7
Source: Blossom Awards 2024
Category: Fantasy
Mature: Y (violence, swearing, sexual content)
Status: Ongoing
Round 1: 16/40, did not progress to round 2
Clicking the "External Link" button below the "Continue to next part" button will take you straight to the book.
*****
Round 1 total: 16/40
Title: 8/10
This piques my interest, which is the whole point of a title, but it's too long to fit on my screen and has unnecessary repetition. It's pretty easy to fix that, though. Just condense it down. I don't know if it will fit on the screen after being condensed, but that's more of a Wattpad issue than a title issue. Something like this would show all the info you want - the name of the series, the book number within the series, and the book title: "LOD: Book 1 - The Distorted Ones"
Blurb/synopsis: 6/10
There are issues with phrasing, tense consistency, sentence structure, things that I'll try to go through, but having someone proofread behind your, or using an editing tool that supports your English usage could be really helpful.
So, the first sentence/paragraph. I like the initial short hook, because not everybody clicks the "more" button to see the rest of the blurb. The phrasing isn't quite as smooth as it could be, though. I've been looking at it, trying a few things in my head to see what works, and I think it's just a bit wordy. You can play around with it to see what you like, but here's one example of how you can eliminate excess words and improve the flow: "Welcome to the League of Orphan Dreamers world, where you'll drown in deep mysteries and inexplicable events."
Okay, now, the second paragraph has some tense issues. That first paragraph is in present tense, but the second paragraph switches back and forth from present to past and back again. You need to pick one for consistency, and if you're going with present tense in that first sentence, that needs to be the tense throughout. There are also issues with sentence structure. The first sentence in the paragraph, for example, is in present tense, so that's good, but it's incomplete, and the bit about famous orphanages doesn't make sense, because the first paragraph didn't mention multiple orphanages, or famous orphanages, just orphans. The second sentence is in past tense and kind of rambles, and, again, the bit about a regular dream world doesn't make sense, because everybody dreams differently, and dreams can get pretty crazy. Same thing with advanced walls. What are advanced walls? The third and fourth sentences are okay, but, when I was playing around with the first two sentences to see how to fix them, it was easier to look at the paragraph as a whole instead of the individual sentences. So, this is what I came up with, but there are so many ways you could flip it around, condense it, reorder it, whatever. Just play with it, bounce it off of a friend, pull up an editing tool, and see what you come up with. Here's mine: "A famous orphanage run by well-known billionaire Leah Roosevelt holds mysteries, secrets, lies, and rumors of a prophecy within its walls. Sleeping children visit an unusual dream world that gifts them with abilities you have never seen before. If I told you this world exists, and it's not just the orphans' imaginations running wild, would you believe me?"
I like the offset last sentence, set aside in its own paragraph, but, again, I think a little reworking is in order. The "well then" isn't necessary, I wonder about the capitalization of Arcadia (which may be something you want to keep - I haven't read the story yet to see how it fits, obviously, so maybe it's better fully capitalized), and I'm not sure you need the "where everything is a challenge," but if you want to keep it, you should put a comma after "Arcadia." So: "Welcome to Arcadia, where everything is a challenge." Or just: "Welcome to Arcadia." I think the latter has more suspense value, so I prefer that, but it's up to you. Anyway, the point of a blurb is to catch the reader's attention, and this does, so good job, and just play around with sentence structure a bit.
Cover: 7/10
I've dabbled in making covers for my own books recently, so I know how hard it can be to pull off what you want, especially if you're limited to free stuff. So, I think this is good, but it could be better. Now, I'm assuming you're using Canva to make this, so my suggestions are tailored to that system, but if you're using something else, I'm sure you can figure out how to apply everything. First, I like "LOD," but I think you should push the "L" and the "D" further in from the edge of the cover. Not much, just a little. "The Distorted Ones" is a bit hard to read, which I know is kind of the point, but you could play with it a little to make it a little easier to read while still maintaining that distorted effect. Maybe increasing the font size a little, decreasing the angle of tilt, something like that. Your name needs to be more obvious. You are the author, and you deserve the credit. I know you don't want to detract from the rest of the cover, but you can still make your name more prominent without it becoming a distraction. I think you can lose the "by," increase the font size, push it a bit to the left so it's not right on the edge, maybe add a background and play around with the transparency so it's set apart from the black background with a ghostly effect.
Okay, now the images. I don't like the "No Exit" thing. You already have one doorway, and you can get the spotlight effect without using a graphic that includes another doorway. Plus, the text interferes with the important info - series name, book name, your name. I like your main red door, and I like the human figure to the right of the door. The other two, I'm not so sure about. The one on the bottom left is okay, but the one on the top left is partially cut out, even though it's not on the edge of the cover, and there's nothing beside it to explain it being cut off like that. Maybe just move it to the edge so it makes sense? I don't know. I'm just throwing out ideas here. This does catch my eye, though, which is what you want.
First chapter (and everything that came before it): 5/10
I like the graphics in your author's note. Honestly, I think the first cover you did was the best, but the text needs some work. If you played around with the font, that could be perfect. As far as the text of the author's note, there are some little things, like a capitalized "and" in the middle of a sentence, the present tense "take" when it should be the past tense "took," but an author's note is supposed to be casual, so while cleaning it up would be nice, it's not that big of a deal. And kudos to you for taking the time to learn and keep learning. I hope I can help you on your writing journey. 🙂
I appreciate the content warning at the beginning of the prologue, but that really should go in the blurb, too. Also, you need to update it to say "18+" in line with Wattpad's new rules, and you also need to mark your book as "Mature."
So, as far as the text of the prologue, there is definitely room for improvement. Phrasing, grammatical issues, punctuation errors, wording that doesn't quite make sense - I really recommend looking into an editing tool to help you smooth this out. Your story concept is solid, but it's just a bit hard to read right now. I like your characters, and while it feels weird at first that the kids are so crass on their own and such perfect little angels for Leah, it makes sense, in a way. Kids are often different with adults than they are with each other. I do wonder about Leah's language, though. Is she really going to include explicit language in her bedtime stories for the kids? That doesn't seem like something she would do. And your descriptions are also good, but, again, kind of hidden behind wording issues.
Also, the story Leah tells the kids needs to be set apart better. The line saying "Leah POV" really confused me. I thought I was in her mind, in her memories of something that actually happened to her, and it took me a while to realize this was the story she was telling, not her perspective. Putting a heading of "Leah's Story" and doing something to make it stand out, like bold text and possibly centering it, would make more sense. Okay, so I'm going to try to pick out little areas for examples so you can kind of get an idea of what I'm looking at and what I'm thinking.
The first paragraph has unnecessary commas in some places and missing commas in others. Also, if you're going to include an acronym, it needs to come after the full proper name, not before it, and it's not necessary at all if you aren't going to use it later on.
The second and third paragraphs all follow from the same main idea as the first paragraph - describing Leah Roosevelt - so it makes more sense to put them all together than to have them separate, and it also makes more sense to make Leah the subject of the first sentence in the first paragraph instead of the orphanage. You're describing her, not the orphanage. That comes later. "Most known" makes sense, in a literal way, but it's more natural to say "famous." Is it one orphanage, or a group of orphanages? The proper name says "orphanages," but the rest of the prologue makes it sound like it's just one orphanage with many floors. "Long black hair covering almost all of her back most of the time" uses a lot of words to say something that can be described in a much simpler, smoother way: "Long black hair left loose to fall across her back." "Like" shouldn't be capitalized in the middle of a sentence.
Don't be afraid to play with sentence structure and move sentences around. Flip it, try it a different way, read it aloud so you can feel how natural or unnatural it is on your tongue.
So, taking these ideas and putting them all together, here's a possible fix (but keep in mind this is just one option in a sea of endless possibilities): "Leah Roosevelt was a role model. She had a likable face, hazel eyes, and long black hair left to fall loose across her back, and her ability to empathize with others gave her the freedom to speak without taking sides or hurting feelings. Her parents owned most of the town where she lived, and she used her status to build an orphanage so she could devote herself to caring for others. By 2018, the Heroes of Eden Orphanage was famous."
Would a person caring for orphans really call them "guys?" That sounds like a friend-to-friend relationship, not a guardian-to-charge relationship. It feels more natural for them to say "kids" or "children." Also, and maybe this is what you're going for, but the use of the verb "barked" makes the speaker sound gruff, as if they don't really like the children and they don't want to deal with them. It's a harsh verb. If that's the sense you're going for, then you've nailed it, but if you want something gentler, as if this person actually likes the children they care for (and, as someone Leah hired, that seems more likely), use something like "announced" or "called."
The bit about the building's divisions needs a little work. You slip out of the past tense and into the present tense, which is confusing. I think you mean "floors" instead of "classes," since "floors" would be a physical differentiator, while "classes" isn't a physical divider, but a mental one. The way you list the different divisions has an almost sing-song, Dr. Seuss-y feel to it, which I'm not sure you want, in the context of the rest of the story. I also think capitalizing the title of each division would be helpful. So, maybe putting it all in one paragraph, like this: "The building was divided into five floors. The fifth was called the Bottom-Out Sight, the fourth was the Mid-Profile, the third was the Upper-Middle, the second was the Class X, and the first was the Premium. All the floors were accessible to the orphans except the first floor, which only Leah could enter."
I don't really have time to keep going in this vein, but, again, your story concept is good. It's just your technique that needs some work, which, as someone who acknowledges everything you've learned and all you have yet to learn, is not a huge problem. Just keep working at it. Oh, and shortening the chapters, splitting them up, would be nice. The prologue itself is super long. A prologue should be a short intro into the story. Inkitt says readers prefer 1900-2500k word chapters, so that's a good goal to shoot for.
All the same issues with the first chapter. Tense changes, phrasing, punctuation, confusing wording. Messa's husband calls her "Quessa" at one point? But I like the kids interrupting Leah's story, and the back and forth in that section, and your use of asterisks to separate sections. I don't think I mentioned this in the prologue, but timeline and stuff doesn't always make sense. It seems like Messa and Leroy are orphans, and then they're not, and their parents live together? It's not clear at all. And, again, super long chapter. You could split it up, but honestly, I think condensing stuff down and eliminating excessive wordiness would bring the word count down to a more reasonable chapter length. And exclamation marks are your friends. If somebody is yelling, or screaming, or falling down a long distance, they're not saying "Ah..." They're screaming "Ah!" Not including the exclamation marks makes it seem like the characters aren't that surprised or scared or whatever about what's going on.
Genre: -10
This really doesn't seem like Fantasy genre. It feels like Science Fiction, through and through. Sure, there's mention of a prince and a Rapunzel and all that, but the multiple worlds and dimensions - everything feels like Science Fiction, and I have to dock points for that.