Full title: Timelines Collide by CloneRazorX155
Source: Blossom Awards 2024
Category: Science Fiction
Mature: N (swearing)
Status: Ongoing
Round 1: 36/40
Round 2: 81/100(2nd place)
Clicking the "External Link" button below the "Continue to next part" button will take you straight to the book.
*****
Round 1 total: 36/40
Title: 10/10
Short, simple but complex, and interesting. You have my attention.
Blurb/synopsis: 8/10
I have a few suggestions that I think will make this smoother. In the first paragraph, you can simplify the first sentence by saying, "dark and unnatural forces," instead of "dark forces and unnatural forces." The beginning of the last sentence would read better as, "If only," instead of, "Only if." In the second paragraph, I think merging the two sentences with a colon would work better: "...over the valley's ashes: signet warriors..." You could also consider tagging the second paragraph onto the end of the first paragraph, as I'm not sure it really warrants its own paragraph. And in the third paragraph, I think merging the first sentences would help as well: "...did before him, doing whatever..."
But, overall, this is a good blurb. I tend to like shorter blurbs, but this one isn't excessively wordy and doesn't make me feel like I've just spoiled the story. It tells just enough to pique my interest, so I want to read the story and find out what's going on with this valley, the forces, the warriors, etc. Good job.
Cover: 10/10
Yes. Everything fits. The colors, the shading, the font, the text, the images - perfect.
First chapter (and everything that came before it): 8/10
Congrats on the awards. Nothing else to say here. 🙂
There are wording issues throughout the prologue, things that are just awkward to read and distract from the meaning behind the words. Phrasing, conflicting tenses, punctuation - but these are all simple issues, too, and should be pretty easy to clean up. For example, the first sentence: "At some point after two years of this non-stop battle, I have always chosen to try and make things, simple." The first part makes me think in past tense, but the second part is in present tense, so, at first glance, the sentence doesn't make sense. The second comma is also unnecessary. But it only takes simplifying "have always chosen" to "chose" and removing that second comma to fix it: "At some point after two years of this non-stop battle, I chose to make things simple." And it's the same sort of issue throughout. It's good, and it's interesting, but it's a bumpy read. I don't know if you've ever used an editing tool, but if not, I would recommend looking into one. These can be really good at catching awkward phrasing, excess words, and little things like an extra comma here or a forgotten comma there. Honestly, just that little clean-up, and this would be perfect. The paragraph separations make sense, and this adds that level of detail you can't put in a blurb to increase interest by giving the reader a few answers and creating more questions.
The first chapter has the same issues as the prologue. For example, the first sentence: "For starters, I liked to only think that organics had the ability to bleed." Replacing and removing words makes it smoother and easier to read: "I used to think only organics could bleed." It's an interesting problem I've learned to recognize in my writing, thanks to the editing tool I use that points out excessively wordy phrasing. Description and detail are good, but sometimes, too many words can hide the meaning you want the reader to get. So, same recommendations as the prologue to clean this up a bit, and you may also want to consider putting a disclaimer in the blurb or author's note that there is light swearing in the story (unless it gets more intense, in which case you would alter the disclaimer accordingly), as there are people (like me) who like the heads-up. I also don't love the italicized section, but I think that's personal preference. It would work unitalicized, too, and that's the way I would write it, but I can see why you set it apart in italics, and it's fine to leave it that way.
But I can't fault your descriptions, character introductions, character interactions, and dialogue. These are fantastic. This is definitely better than the prologue and, I would guess, you've taken more time with it, too. It feels like you have, anyway. The way you get into Joseph's head, maintaining his inner moodiness while he tries to join in the lighthearted banter of the others, is amazing. The flow from his wandering thoughts to the scene in front of him and back again is so smooth. I can picture the group of guys, each introduced easily and naturally within the flow of the story, each with his own personality quirks, and I feel like I already know them even though we just met. You're also consistently adding more detail, more answers, and more questions with each venture deeper into this story, from the blurb to the prologue to the first chapter. As I read, I get more and more invested in the story, and the bumpiness becomes less of a distraction and more of a minor irritation I kind of notice in the background. Cleaning this up a little would remove that, and I could truly get lost in this. Great job.
(Oh, one more thing. How do you pronounce Joltxs? Maybe add a footnote with this info? It's been bothering me.)
*****
Round 2: 81/100
Cover & title: 10/10
See round 1 feedback.
Blurb: 2/5
This is only because of the grammar mistakes I pointed out in round 1 feedback. Without those, I'd put this as a 3.
Grammar & voice: 4/20
See round 1 feedback. But, as I noted there, the errors fade into the background as I get lost in the story. See below.
Plot & pacing: 10/10
Absolutely perfect. The slow intro to the characters, the unnamed threat looming over Joseph, the burst of action with the attack - I had to remind myself to check chapter numbers so I'd stop at 5.
Characterization: 20/20
Also perfect. I mentioned this in round 1 feedback, too, but you have nailed your characters, and every character you introduce is a fully 3D person with their own distinct personalities. Your characters drive the story.
Harmony within genre: 15/15
Yep. Sci Fi, through and through. Bots, futuristic weapons, every detail is normal to the characters and feels normal to the reader, too, even though this is not the world we live in.
Originality: 20/20
I really don't know what else to say here, except what I said above. Absolutely perfect. Nailed it. You have created a world that feels natural and characters that feel human, and the story drive is insane.