Full title: The Eyes of Power by TheWordArtistBooks
Source: Blossom Awards 2024
Category: Science Fiction
Mature: N
Status: Ongoing
Round 1: 34/40
Round 2: 59/100 (3rd place)
Clicking the "External Link" button below the "Continue to next part" button will take you straight to the book.
*****
Round 1 total: 34/40
Title: 10/10
You have piqued my interest. Great title.
Blurb/synopsis: 7/10
There are some wording issues here that would read better and make your meaning clearer with a little tweaking. In the second sentence of the first paragraph: "Unbeknownst to her, she was experimented on as a child, and it's related to her unusual eye colours." What's related to her unusual eye colours? Is it "she was experimented on as a child?" Is it her ability to make water levitate in the previous sentence? "It's" is unclear. Then, in the second paragraph, what is "the dose?" You haven't mentioned a pill or potion or anything any of the teenagers ingested, but the phrasing makes it sound like the reader is supposed to know what you're talking about. It's the same thing with "the cell." What cell? Is it just one, or did you mean "cells?" Is it in one of her eyes? It's not clear, but it's written in a way that I feel like I'm supposed to know this already. In the third paragraph, "If they don't..." who is "they?" The previous sentence introduced the person who did this to the teenagers, so there are two options for "they" - the teenagers, and the person. Tweaking the wording of the "they" sentence will help to make the meaning clearer.
As far as spacing of the paragraphs, you could consider merging the first and second - I think it works either way, but for me, I think merging them is better - and that last sentence about becoming stew on the black market has major shock value, so I think setting it apart in its own paragraph would heighten that.
Overall, I realize I'm nitpicking, but it's because this is really good and has caught my interest.
Cover: 9/10
Almost perfect. I love the image, the colors, the shading, the glowing eyes, the choice of font and color for text - basically, just about everything. My only complaints are with the text itself. I think it would look better if you centered "Power," and moved it up closer to "The Eyes of," and then moved the subtitle below the title. Yes, the image and the larger title draw my eye at first glance, but then I go to the top and start reading because we read top to bottom, so I read the subtitle first. Of course, this is me nitpicking because of my personal preference (I'm also one of those people who hates monograms where the initials aren't in normal left-to-right orientation), so feel free to disregard that. Although I do think you should center "Power" regardless.
First chapter (and everything that came before it): 8/10
I read the copyright but skimmed the accolades, as I want to look at this with fresh eyes and not let the opinions of others influence me. I did read the foreword, and applause for sticking with writing and Wattpad after a negative experience. It's my goal when I provide feedback to be honest but positive and encouraging, because I don't want to discourage anybody from writing. There are enough negative words out there without writers tearing each other apart. So, anyway, good for you.
I like the prologue, but I have a few suggestions. Some of these may be dependent on your English usage, so take them with a grain of salt. Anyway, first, the excessive periods. I don't think you need them after "5 YEARS AGO," because that as a heading is enough, and when you use them elsewhere, three is typically the maximum (an ellipsis). Punctuation within quotations is also an issue. In some areas, you use a comma, in some, you use a period, and in some, you use both (one inside the quotation, one outside of it). I think either of the first two options are correct, depending on your English usage, but picking one or the other for consistency will help to keep that from distracting the reader (if there's anybody other than me that gets distracted by that, anyway). My last thing is the transition from the kidnapper threatening the doctor to when he's tracking down the coordinates, or lack thereof. It's an abrupt change of scene that isn't addressed at all. Did he kill the doctor? Leave him tied up somewhere? I'd like to see you add something in here for a transition. But this is a good prologue, grabbing the reader's attention and practically forcing them to click the "next chapter" button, so good job.
Again, I like the first chapter. Same issues as the prologue - the periods, punctuation within quotation marks, and transitions. The bit about not doing well in "that subject" is unclear to me, but this may be a cultural thing. I'm assuming it's referring to a subject in school. Where I come from, a subject is the entire class for the entire semester, not just one class period, but it's unclear if she was out for just one day or an entire semester. I think it would flow better if you removed that sentence and replaced it with the fifth paragraph ("I had taken advantage..."), but left the rest as is (so, next paragraph would be "No doctor could explain..." and the next would be "It is funny how..."). After that, when she's looking for her contact lenses, it's unclear where she is. At first, I thought she was at home, but rereading it now, I'm guessing she's on the school bus or already in class? Just something to clarify so your readers don't get confused. But the rest of the chapter flows perfectly. You do a great job painting the scene in the Chemistry lab so the reader can picture it in their mind, and you have captured the chaotic, reactive mind of a teenager. I'm already curious about Iolla, and the message in the water does the same thing the prologue did - practically forces me to click the "next" button. Great job!
*****
Round 2: 59/100
Cover & title: 9/10
See round 1 feedback.
Blurb: 3/5
See round 1 feedback.
Grammar & voice: 5/20
5+ mistakes per chapter, but they're very minor, and you have to be specifically looking for them to find them. See round 1 feedback.
Plot & pacing: 5/10
Way too rushed. I mentioned the need for transitions in Round 1 feedback, and that continues. The sudden jumps from plot point A to G, skipping B-F, get confusing. This really affects character development. See below. But the plot is clear, the story is original, and it's definitely Sci Fi.
Characterization: 2/20
The story is too fast-paced for character development. I don't get to know Iolla as a normal teenager before this all happens, and the way she suddenly abandons her family to go on the run makes no sense because I don't know her and I don't understand her motivation. Denisse has no personality at all, and her sudden interest in the black market and superior technical skills just seem to appear conveniently with no explanation. Adding in sections of transition with little to no action, just to explore and describe your characters, will help a lot with this and pacing, too.
Harmony within genre: 15/15
This is 100% Sci Fi. You casually introduce little technological details as if they are normal and require no explanation, which tells the reader they are normal in this possibly futuristic but definitely more scientifically advanced world. It's Sci Fi, but it's not in-your-face mutants and spaceships and whatever else.
Originality: 20/20
I've said the pacing is too fast, which means the character development is lacking, but this story hooks and drives really well. It's an original concept, and, as I noted above, the little touches of world-building are fantastic. The chapters are the perfect length with plenty of action to keep the reader hooked and thinking, "Well, I'll just read one more chapter." Again, and again, and again.