Look at you
comforting others
with the words
you wish to hear.
MERIDIA fished out the keys to her apartment, in her other hand she held the duffel bag she packed up with the little necessary. It has been a month already since she last put foot in her own house, she remembered how she tidied it up before leaving for John's base.
Her father was seen lurking around Rochdale but the Konni hideout was still unknown, so Kate had to investigate on it while the team was going to settle down at Meridia's place momentarily.
"Make yourself at home." She pushed the door open with a foot and reached for the switch to turn on the lights. Her apartment was distant from the city's center, she didn't like loud noises and luckily she found a nice apartment for rent in a more secluded neighborhood.
Her place wasn't small nor big, it held two bathrooms, three bedrooms, a kitchen and living room. Two bedrooms were changed into an office and a guest's room. But she had a sofa bed in the office, just in case.
Soap let out a whistle as he looked around, "What a fancy place." He commented and dropped his bags near the entrance, to pace around the living room. Gaz followed behind him and John turned to look at Meridia, "You're lucky you chose a private neighborhood."
She lit up a cigarette as soon as she settled down her bag and walked to the windows to open them, "Yeah, I like quiet places." She only responded. She could feel Ghost's eyes bore on her, following every movement. Yet she decided to not spare him even a single glance. And it was killing him.
She felt like things were going well, that maybe he understood her and accepted her for the scars she held, but it was all pure physical attraction. She felt so delusional.
"There's whiskey, wine, or whatever shit you drink. For food I only have snacks for now, since I had to throw everything away." She told the others and flicked the cigarette in her fingers, making the ashes fall out of the window. "I am starving.. we should order something." Soap proposed, running a hand on his stomach with exasperation.
She eyed him and a small smile formed on her lips, "Order whatever you want, don't even try to put our names or you'll risk the mission." John warned him with raised eyebrows. Soon, they were going to have the final plan and Meridia was going to take the lead together with John. It was already decided.
Leaving the others to order food, she carried with her the duffel bag and barged inside her room. It didn't feel nice being back at home but the thought of having her team as a company eased the tension. She was used to living all alone, no pets, no plants, no friends, no relatives around. Even when her mother died and she was taken under David's wing, she never spent too much time with him or Joyce.
She preferred solitude, quietness, peace. Ever since that day, she closed herself into a protective shell. When she joined the SAS she had to learn how to fight alongside her teammates, how to get along with them, yet it felt impossible.
Trusting someone again was a thing she completely avoided at all costs. She saw her father on everyone's faces, she could only see betrayal and wickedness. Then, she met John Price, the oh so famous lieutenant of her team back then. It was during a sleepless night, when he entered the armory, that he saw her sitting all alone cleaning her own rifle, with the small siren lucky charm hanging from it.
Her silence and loneliness didn't make him pity her. He felt so damn attracted to her aura, to her blue eyes that contrasted with her long black hair. Though she stood on her own during missions, she was always the first one to help her teammates and have their back.
He admired her deeply, but he refused to let her know the hidden feelings or soft spot she held secretly in his heart.
Meridia hadn't realized that she zoned out, the cigarette almost finished between her fingers. Heaving out a sigh, she pulled towards her the ashtray on the bedside table and turned the cigarette off.
"Scylla, you want something to eat?" John's voice echoed from the other side of the apartment, cracking from her a small smile.
In the end, she wasn't alone. Not anymore.
"Nothing!" She replied, loud and clear enough for him to hear. The whole Task Force always had their arms open for her — except that bastard. She was glad she accepted John's offer, even if she realized too late how much of a pain in the ass she was being to them.
She unpacked her things and put them away, before changing into a loose t-shirt and comfortable shorts. It was almost midnight, she had no idea where they were ordering food from. She only knew that she was exhausted and her body was craving nothing but a comfortable bed.
"Fuck you! You should've ordered yourself the fries." She could hear Soap yell at one of them, "Yeah, I thought about it too late, okay?! It's just fries, man." Gaz bickered back before Ghost shushed them with his usual grumpiness.
Heaving out a sigh, Meridia threw herself on the mattress and rolled over her side, burying her face into the pillow. It didn't take long for her to drift off to sleep.
*
"Mama, why does he always lock me in the basement? I never do anything.. bad.." The little one spoke so quietly, sad tears making her eyes sting. She stared down at her bruised wrists, this time the restraints were closed tighter that it made her frail skin rip apart.
A small sigh fell from the older woman, her blue irises were filled with guilt, desperation, "I'm so sorry, honey. You don't deserve it." Her voice came out gentle and sweet, soothing the little girl's pain. "I'll be back, I need to get bandages for you. Stay seated here, mh?"
Two minutes went by. They turned into five. Then into ten.
The little one got off the toilet and mustered all her courage to check. And she wished she didn't at all.
Blood covered the entire room, it sticked under her bare feet, the metallic smell was making her nauseous. "Mama?" She asked quietly, her voice breaking slightly from the fear and anxiety. Too much blood, too much silence and darkness.
She shut her eyes tightly, and when she opened them back the image of her lifeless mother welcomed her. Her blue irises bore into hers. Dull, dead, filled by terror. The knife's handle poked out from her bloodied chest.
"He's coming for you, Riri." Her pale lips moved, the words coming from her making the little one burst into loud sobs.
With a gasp, Meridia sat up on her bed. Tears flowed down her cheeks, beads of sweat formed on her forehead. Her chest rose and fell quickly, she could feel her heart rate rising. It has been so long since she had a nightmare, maybe weeks, maybe one month.
The image of her dead mother was still stuck in her mind, making a tight knot form in her throat. "It's okay, it's going to be okay." She tried to assure to her own self, gaining nothing but only other tears.
She wiped them away with the back of her hand, maybe taking a couple of sleeping pills might've helped her again.
Yet, she was fucking sick of them. Instead she rose on her feet and walked quietly to the kitchen, expecting no one to be there in the middle of the night. 03:02 AM - the digital clock read, it was common for her to wake up so suddenly and stay awake for the next few hours.
Getting on missions and travels helped her sleep a lot, with that meaning at least five hours instead of the usual two or three. It was always the exhaustion. But now the nightmares were keeping her awake back again.
Meridia opened the fridge and took out a beer can, one of the many she had left inside the fridge before leaving. She headed towards the opened balcony, and distractedly, she took out a cigarette from her packet, lighting it up.
"Can't sleep?"
She swore she almost threw her beer in Soap's face for the scare. "Fuckin' hell, don't ever do that again." She took deep breaths to calm down, before slowly taking a seat on the ground next to him.
Being too distracted on her thoughts, she never noticed his figure sitting at the balcony with a smoking cigarette between his fingers. "Is somebody keeping you up?" He sounded like he was smiling, Meridia didn't even spare him a glance. Her eyes were glued on the can in her hands while she took a drag from the cigarette.
"Kind of." She partially lied, a small chuckle following right after. "One could be my mother and one a bastard." She added with a hint of humor in her tone, making Soap crack an amused smile.
"A bastard? Why's that?"
She thought about it carefully, where should she even start with? From the drunken kisses? Or from the finger fucking in his office? There was a long list, actually. "He likes to fuck with my feelings, I guess."
She could feel his head turn towards her in curiosity, trying to study her expression under the moonlight. Her looks were soft, completely different from the first time he had seen her in the dark Cafeteria. "LT feels confusing sometimes, eh?"
She sucked in a breath, her eyes widened slightly, "How did you know?" Finally, she turned her head to look back at him. In that moment, she felt like an open book to anyone. "I'm not that stupid." It was his only reply, making her more confused than ever.
Meridia brought the cigarette back to her lips, taking a long and slow drag, before exhaling the smoke through her nose.
Did it mean that even the others had noticed? "He went through a lot, Scylla. Just like you, since he was a child."
The tortures, the pain, the suffering, the mental and physical abuse. "He lost his mother too, he witnessed her death. He was just a small boy, like you." His words made something in her crack. It was the main reason why her inner child felt safe with Simon. She was connecting the dots slowly.
"Let's say, he never gets too close to someone. It took us a lot to be.. 'friends'." He pursued his lips and snatched the beer can from her hand. She didn't mind at all, though. "But when you arrived, I saw the way he looked at you. Don't ask me why, don't ask me how. His eyes looked different whenever you were around."
She sucked in a breath, suddenly she felt too hot, even if it was fully autumn and she was wearing light clothes.
A thousand of different thoughts ran through her head, it still didn't feel right to her. "He made it clear to me that he's not meant for love." On the last word, she rolled her eyes, bringing her knees close to her chest to hug them.
Even she wasn't looking for love, yet it happened to grow unwanted feelings for him. It just happened. And she couldn't do anything about it. For the first time in her life something felt good and it was instantly ruined. "Just give him time, he'll open up soon." Soap responded and took a sip from the beer, before handing it back to her.
Give him time, he said. She had been hurt so many times that at the first delusion, she immediately backed away, scared to be hurt further. "I already pushed him away." Her voice came out quiet.
Her eyes were now set on the tip of the cigarette, watching how it burned slowly, reaching its end. "It hurt hearing from him that he felt only physical attraction."
"Sometimes he expresses himself in many wrong ways. Trust me."
She looked at him with raised eyebrows, not knowing whether to believe him. It just felt so real, Ghost sounded so serious that day. Maybe she should've tried, just this time, for the sake of the little Meridia, for the sake of her happiness.
"What about you? Girlfriend waiting for you at home?" Meridia changed the subject with a bit of a teasing tone. Life wasn't all about her, she never wanted it to be like that. Even if she looked like a cold bitch, she still cared for others sincerely.
"Girlfriend? If you could call her so.." He snickered, looking back at the sky with a thoughtful expression. "Ohh, what's her name?" She scooted closer, curiously. She had never been a good friend, she never knew how to be one actually. Might as well try.
"Thea Amedee." A small smile formed on his lips. This man looked fucking in love and she wished she had someone in her life that looked at her in that way.
It didn't take long for Soap to get up and say good night, she couldn't force him to stay for a little bit. Tomorrow, if Kate had news, they were going to hunt down Jonathan.
Finishing the beer, she threw it in the bin and stepped back inside, wishing to finally be able to sleep. Even just a little bit, enough to go through a mission.
With slow steps she walked past the others' rooms, before stopping right in front of Ghost's supposed room. She placed a hand over the doorknob and slowly pushed the door open, peaking her head inside to check.
The room was pitch dark, the only light source was from the moon, coming through the open window.
He was laying on the bed, an arm thrown over his eyes while the other one rested over his abdomen. No mask on. Such in a vulnerable state. His chest rose and fell slowly. He was asleep, but it didn't take much for him to hear the door open and notice her quiet presence.
Meridia slipped inside the room and closed the door behind. She met his gaze from under his arm, they didn't need to talk, they understood each other right away just by their gazes. Silently, she laid down on the bed next to him and he wrapped an arm around her shoulders to bring her closer to him.
His warmth soothed her nerves, she rested her head against his chest and caressed his abdomen with the tips of her fingers, shutting her eyes slowly. She could feel his strong heart beat against her ear.
"It's okay, Simon. It's okay."