Intro:
Through Thick And Thin was written by Artemis_writes25. It is a paranormal story following a single pregnant woman waiting for her twins to be born; however, life takes a drastic turn when she begins having strange cravings. Very strange cravings...
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Detailed Feedback
What Worked:
First and foremost, I really like the overall story idea. I think it goes without saying the idea is what drives the entire narrative and gets a reader invested, so having me hooked on the concept is fantastic for engagement and keeping me attentive during the entire runtime. I had no problems with paying attention or feeling bored while reading, and that translates into an overall strong take on storytelling and how you present your book.
Lena is an engaging protagonist, and I think you did a pretty good job introducing her and getting the readers to care about her story. She has a diverse range of emotions that feel very personal and easy to relate to for those who have gone through similar struggles. Well, maybe not physically since I doubt many have met Cosmos before, but mentally. I think you know what I mean, haha.
Seeing her protective mama bear side come out and the way she was willing to sacrifice almost everything for her babies was very heartwarming but also made for strong characterization. That kind of characterization is exactly how readers get invested in someone's story, so good job including that.
This is the part of the review where I'll go off the deep end a bit and get more subjective instead of objective. One of the things I liked about this book was how I was able to think a lot while reading. What I mean by that is, I had many theories for the themes and events in this narrative, and as the plot unfolded, I started piecing more things together while also having my own interpretations of what you were trying to say.
So here's what I pieced together through a mix of my own interpretation and the text itself because I think it's fascinating and fun to think about. I think the topic of pregnancy and having the babies taken away relates to many real life struggles such as miscarriage and PPD, along with the struggles that come with motherhood. There are many complex emotions that come along with motherhood, and I think some of these actions and the babies being taken away is a reflection of doubt and self-consciousness where Lena, whether it's consciously or not, is wondering if she wants the children, or at the very least, wondering if she even deserves them. It goes beyond just her babies were taken, it also spreads to the more complex emotions of is Cosmos just a reflection of her worst fears and struggles?
The cravings for human body parts aren't just cravings for food or blood or something of the sort, but a craving to crawl into someone else's body and take their freedom. Whether it be to run away from motherhood or to experience life prior to pregnancy just for a few more minutes can be debated, but I think the cravings reflect more than a reversal of pregnancy cravings or the start to the plot. It amplifies the themes and adds to the question of what motherhood is, and that's what I think the core of the story is about: what is motherhood, and what does being a mother actually mean?
Thinking about those topics is super fascinating, and I had a lot of fun typing that out and kinda going on a bit of a tangent about it. Sorry about the tangent, but it made me think, and that's always a sign of a good story when it can make a reader want to go off on a tangent thinking about what they read. A lot of us consume content over and over but never really think about it, so it's rare to find something that makes you stop and think about what you're consuming.
This is a smaller thing, but still something I think is worth mentioning: I liked the introduction of Cosmos and how you made us curious about who he is and what he wants. His motivations were definitely... different from what I was expecting, but not in a bad way. Actually, the opposite: it was fun. It kept me on my toes and proved to me that this book can really go in any direction, and when you keep us on our toes, it creates higher reader engagement, which is always good.
I also like the way he talks and tries to manipulate Lena in his opening scene in particular, but also throughout the entire novel. I know exactly what his personality is from his very first line of dialogue, and making a character's personality clear that early shows strong writing and a good grasp on character. As a character writer myself, I always appreciate it when there are little details added to make the characters feel more real, especially when it comes to dialogue as it's one of the most important parts of characterization, in my opinion.
Overall, I enjoyed reading this and had a blast trying to piece the themes together and come up with my own interpretations of your words!
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What Didn't Work:
I would suggest being careful about where you're using adverbs and which adverbs you're using. There were many times you'd use words like barely and gently and I felt they weren't necessary. I'd suggest plugging the text into Microsoft Word and/or Google Docs and using the find & replace tool to search up -ly. In my opinion, you can eliminate quite a few words ending with -ly. I only say that because adverbs are telling over showing, so as much as they're fine to use, any area where you can cut down on them could be beneficial to the overall narrative.
While on the topic of things I felt were overused, I felt you could have used less semicolons. I'm not saying don't use semicolons, but most writers advise against using them too much because they overcomplicate sentences. It can also potentially lead to purple prose, though I do not think you write purple prose. I'm only bringing it up since semicolons are often used in purple prose.
Along with that, using semicolons too often almost always results in errors. You have semicolon and editing errors. When I say editing errors, I mean minor mistakes that were likely missed in the editing process. Chapter 4 has a few of them, like an ellipse being two dots instead of three with "A.. a deal?" and breathe being spelled as breath in the beginning. Here's a semicolon error, also from chapter 4: "I was sure he saw the gears in my head turning; as he flicked his wrist near his belly, and violet sparks encircled it." The semicolon is an error and shouldn't be there. I ran that sentence through two grammar checkers to be sure, and both said it should be removed.
My main suggestion is to consider slowing down and giving scenes more scene and less summary. By that I mean, you often summarize what happens in a scene instead of showing it. Here are examples: In chapter 1, you summarize Lena's visit with her patient. In chapter 2, you summarize her appointment with the OBGYN. In the last chapter, you summarize what happens after Cosmos comes and say they had a long talk consisting of several small fights. I also agree with what another commenter said about having more transitional description, that way the audience has a chance to process what's going to happen before it happens.
I suggest slowing down for that same reason: give readers a chance to process what's going on and feel the tension. The chapters are, on average, about 6 minutes long, with many of them being in the 5-7 minute range. You definitely have the room to add more if you wanted to without making it go over 10 minutes, which is the about the average chapter length on Wattpad.
So if you want to keep the chapters shorter, you can still do that. What I'm recommending is instead of writing summary, incorporate more dialogue, incorporate more of the five senses, give us more thought processes while these things are happening, etc.
Due to this, we're missing some vital character information. I don't think Lena speaks at all (in dialogue) until chapter 4, which is a long time to go without knowing what the protagonist sounds like. How does she speak? What is her speech style? What does she do while speaking (play with her hair, fiddle with her fingers, talk with her hands, etc.)? You don't need to answer all of those questions or even one of them, but they are worth considering since dialogue tells us a lot about a character, and it also sets the scene more since it shows immediacy.
In general, slowing down could be a good idea not just because you'll show us more about the characters, but also because you're giving them a chance to feel tension. If actions are happening rather quickly, we don't get a chance to process what's happening and really feel the dread as we wonder what's going to happen to our beloved characters. So that's the main reason I suggest slowing down: to give the readers more tension. I hope that makes sense!
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Summary:
- Interesting story idea
- Lena is an engaging protagonist
- Complex themes + lots to think about while reading
- Cosmos has a clear personality
- Be careful with adverbs
- Be careful with semicolons
- Consider slowing down and giving scenes more scene and less summary
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Overall:
Through Thick And Thin hits the nail on the head for many complex emotions surrounding pregnancy and motherhood, and it does it in a way that feels entertaining to read and gripping from the very first chapter. If you are someone who enjoys stories that cover darker, more complex topics, then this is the perfect story for you!
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Thank you for submitting your story. Please let me know if you have any questions or would like any additional reviews when the shop opens again.
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I'm going to start leaving this new note at the end of all reviews since Wattpad may be removing pms.
If you would like to keep in contact with me and ask me for more feedback on your work, I have a Discord server for all readers, writers, and friends. I'll leave a link in the inline comment here for anyone who would like to join.