It was inevitable that in the small space of the cabin Kyrian and I would end up a little too close for comfort time and time again. His arm brushing against mine in the small kitchen, the way our scents mingled on the air. It was intimate in a way that didn't always have any kind of sexual undertone. Not that there wasn't plenty of that too, but would have probably been easier to close myself off from. Sex was easy; or at least it could be uncomplicated. Sharing meals, sitting in the living room together, hearing him snore on the couch at night, those were the things that kept me off kilter.
The unease in the cabin was nothing compared to the somber atmosphere that seemed to have swallowed the pack. Carmen's murder had cast a long shadow over all of them, and it threaded its way into nearly every faucet. The official story was that it had been the work of rogues in the area, and that extra security measures were deemed necessary. Which was nothing but the truth. The why of it though was kept tight under wraps. My connection to her death known only to the small functioning group of leaders and a few security members. It rubbed me the wrong way, even though the alternative was my complete alienation. It would be earned, finally, but I was selfish enough that I wasn't ready to stop pretending.
My integration into the pack, while still unofficial, had settled into my bones. Sitting out on the grass with Tripp and Winnie in the shade by the lake shore while we played rummy or watched whatever had become infinitely precious to me. In those moments, there was no basement, no hatred, no nightmares waiting in the deepest shadows. It was just three people enjoying each others company, being friends. The thought of losing Winnie's friendship if she learned the truth was so hard to come to terms with. So Tripp and I kept silent, only the lingering weariness in the brackets around our eyes a silent testament to the truth.
Carmen's funeral was held three days after her body was found in the clearing. It was another reminder of how seldom werewolves died, of the immortality that bound us all. I didn't have anything that I would have deemed appropriate, but it wouldn't have mattered. Werewolf funerals were much like the paranormal beings themselves. Instead of in our human form, we went as wolves.
Kyrian and Tripp were waiting for me when I padded out onto the porch. Kyrian's wolf was a monster, huge and hulking with fur the darkest brown flecked with black and white. The fur around his ears was also much fluffier than I'd imagined. He was larger than my wolf, who hummed as we noted that other than myself, no one came close to his size. His nose touched ours in greeting as Tripp bumped his head into my side. We whined softly, then as a trio began our quick trot to the gravesite. Only those with children too young to make the change remained human, and we joined the throng of wolves that journeyed down the trail.
It was the largest funeral I'd ever attended. The pack cemetery was on the west side of pack land, sparse but neatly kept and well maintained.
A tall man stood solemnly beside the pinewood coffin, his shoulder gripped tight by a slightly shorter male who could have been his carbon copy, while a young woman with the same dark hair and skin pressed close to his side. Her quiet sobs set my heart to aching as we joined the crowd. Kyrian padded through them towards the coffin, while a small cream and white wolf pressed into my now vacant side. Her green eyes caught mine, full of sorrow and misery. 'Winnie.'
The siblings surrounded me with their strength as the Alpha faced the pack, tension and regret palpable.
Every set of ears swiveled forward in unison, and I realized that Kyrian must be using the mind link to talk to them all. I cocked my head, straining to hear the words that carried over a frequency I wasn't privy to. My wolf growled low, joining me in the effort. No matter how much it might hurt, we needed to know what he was saying.
There was a sort of low humming that was just on the edge of our hearing, where with any deviation in attention we would lose track of it. Our focus concentrated on the hum, as tangible as smoke, but there. Our eyes sharpened as it appeared, rather looking like a net made of fog. It wove between all of them, pulsing and alive. We pushed on the invisible wall of it like it was a physical thing. It repelled us, like pushing on a rubber band and it springing back into place. We pushed harder, pressing our will with all the force we could. There was a pop, then it gave way.
'...woman. Carmen took her duty to heart, and in the end, she gave the ultimate sacrifice in the line of that duty. None of us ever expect to see the end of our loved ones lives. It is bitter, the circle of life we are all bound to.'
Both my wolf and I stiffened as the Alpha's voice filtered through our minds. Oh shit. I know that's not supposed to happen. Crap! What if they can hear me? I looked as subtly as possible at the wolves around me, but none of them reacted. That was sort of comforting, and at least I'd be able to hear now. I would have worried that now Kyrian's Alpha tone might actually affect my wolf and I, but even though his voice was in our head, it still didn't have the strength that I got the impression it did to the others. Huh.
'We honor her,' Kyrian continued, oblivious to the monumental change that had occurred, 'and lay her to rest with those who have already made it to the Spring Lands.'
Carmen's mate, with the help of his family, lowered the coffin into the ground. Then they shifted, splitting their clothes apart until wolves took their place. The mate lifted his muzzle to the sky and howled. It was wordless as it climbed, but I would remember the sound of his heartbreak on the wind for the rest of my life. The absolute misery and anguish of it. Then the pack followed his lead, our voices rising to reverberate off the mountain tops and beyond, as if the very harmony wove together and became a path through the heavens to lead Carmen home.
My howl cut off abruptly at the thought as shame washed through me. Where did I get the right, the audacity, to lend this pack my voice when the reason she wasn't among them sat amongst them? My wolf forced herself to the front of our mind and took over, pushing our howl back up and into the cacophony. For her, this was a duty that couldn't be ignored. If we were the cause, then it was only right to see the dead to the other side. Even if we weren't, she would shoulder her weight of mourning and dedication. She was noble, my wolf, steadfast and sure of her course.
When the howl ended, the wolves rose, growling and whining amongst themselves as the shadows thickened and evening gave way to night. The sound of so many voices through the pack bond was overwhelming, and my wolf pushed and fought to move them back out again. After a long moment, they subsided, and we were once again left in the silence of our own mind.
This was probably something I needed to keep to myself. Breaking into pack's mind link was something no wolf should be able to do if I understood anything about pack dynamics. It was...sacred, guarded by their own nature against outsiders. I coughed out a wolfy laugh. Kyrian himself would probably have to put me down if any of them found out I could listen in on their mind chatter. But it made me wonder. Was this because I was made, or was it because I had one of those rare special abilities Britta had talked about?
I wish I could write any of this down, get it on paper or in a word document so I could try and make sense of it.
A nudge brought me back to the moment. The crowd was dispersing, some breaking off into smaller groups while others padded back down the path to the packhouse. Tripp whined at me and swiveled his head to where Winnie stood next to a deep grey wolf I didn't recognize. He took a few steps towards them then looked back at me and whined again. Dutifully I followed, and the four of us began to trot towards the tree line in the opposite direction. Excitement ran unchecked in my blood. We were going to run.
A dark shadow appeared at my flank. Kyrian let a low growl slip through his teeth as he fell into step beside me. I rolled my eyes. My shadow was apparently adamant about coming with me.
Kyrian took the lead as the group merged, with Tripp falling into the spot to his left and the grey wolf to his right, while Winnie and I took up the spots behind them. Kyrian huffed, then took off.
It felt so good to let my wolf take the lead again, letting her consciousness sink into our muscles as she guided us along. Her claws dug into the dirt as we flew over the ground, the trees and bushes nearly blurring as we whipped by them. The moon was only a sliver in the inky sky, not that we needed her light to see. To our eye, the world around us was every bit as vibrant as daytime, painted with deep blues and purples, saturated greens. The breaths of the wolves puffed white as the temperature dropped and the first real slice of autumn cut from the wind.
This, I imagined, was as close to independent happiness as the wolf got.
Freedom to run.
To hunt.
To live.
My wolf wanted to go faster, our limbs burning to be put to a real challenge and finally meet the end of their abilities. Kyrian must have sensed it, because his paws quickened, really moving as he kicked up the speed. My wolf whined happily as she stretched out, reaching farther, digging deeper, and ate the ground up with a stomach-churning speed. Winnie began to fall behind, then the gray, until Tripp lurched ahead, hauling ass for all he was worth. He outstripped us all. I barked out a chortle. Of course, Tripp would have the true afterburners.
We leapt over a fallen log and onto the lakeshore, pumping the breaks in the small pebbles that made up the bank before coming to a stop. Our lungs ached, but in the best way. Tripp pranced, his tail high to the water's edge and lapped at it greedily, eyes twinkling with delight.
I rolled my eyes and took my own drink before sitting back on my haunches, breathing deep and heavy while looking up. A few wispy clouds passed overhead, but nothing else blocked the never-ending sky from view. The stars reflected off the lake's surface, a perfect image. My wolf howled until it echoed off the walls of my mind. It was her song, and it beat through me like a promise.
Kyrian dropped down beside me, his massive head turned skyward. It was...I couldn't even find the words for it, the way the tiny pinpricks of starlight reflected in his eyes as he studied the heavens. His gaze met mine, and something cracked inside my chest at that moment. A warm glow filled me, the world shifted, and I suddenly didn't feel so God damn alone. He didn't reach out to me, didn't move a muscle as we stared at one another for a long, endless moment. Then he shuddered and looked away.