I felt eyes on me for millionth time.
I knew Reid had been shooting me looks and I felt my stomach twist up at the fact. My hands shook where I rested them on my thighs. I shouldn't be nervous, we'd been sitting and talking for hours. It had felt nice to just be here with him.
I liked this.
But my mind was stuck on something else. Expectations that I'd put on us. I knew what was normal and I wanted so badly to be normal.
I wanted to reconfigure myself until it fit this picture. We were two people who liked each other and as much as I knew it was okay to take things slow, I felt like I was stalled with no going forward.
I was content exactly where we were. I was happy with short kisses and long nights just spending time together. But at some point there needed to be progress and I was pretty sure that this was all I could give.
Would Reid really want me if this was all I could give him?
I knew the answer. I knew it deep down because I was sure that no one would accept this broken mess once they saw it. So I let my hands shake and stomach twist.
I wasn't ready to see the truth. I wanted to hold tightly to what we had and not let it slip away. I was sure that I'd give Reid anything just to stay in this moment.
And maybe that was the solution. I could just give it all so I wouldn't lose what we had started. I liked Reid, I liked him more than I'd liked anyone before.
This was different and maybe if I took that step again it would be different too.
This time when I felt those eyes on me I let my head turn. I pushed down all the thoughts and just let myself want.
I wanted this. I wanted it with Reid.
I held onto that want with everything I had. I didn't want to lose that, I didn't want this to turn into what I feared it would. I wanted this want to stay in me even when the kisses turned into something more.
When Reid started to lean in, I met him right in the middle pressing my lips against his. It was everything I had wanted. His lips moved slowly against mine and I was so sure that this was different.
I liked Reid. I thought about him just like Jake had said he thought about Evan. My thoughts somehow seemed to keep being stolen by Reid. Most days it felt like I was consumed by Reid.
This was the next step. This is what you did when you liked someone.
I let that thought push me forward. I pulled Reid's body closer to me. I let our bodies touch in as many places as I could manage. I let him tighten his grip on me as lips moved faster almost like he was trying to devour me.
I fell into it like this was just like all those perfect kisses. My fingers threaded into his hair keeping him as close to me as I could.
I wanted this.
I wanted this.
I felt myself start to tense as Reid's hands moved under my shirt. I wanted to feel close to him like this.
There was a feeling under my skin that was fighting to break out. It wasn't that good light happy feeling I felt when Reid kissed me. That want was slipping right through my fingers. I wanted to reach out and find it again, to hold on tight just so I could get through this.
I didn't want to lose Reid. I didn't want this to be over.
I pushed through. I pushed it all down and just focused on Reid. I liked feeling close to him. I liked spending time with him.
This was supposed to be different.
I would make this different.
Reid shifted us so that we were somehow closer. More of my body seemed to be pressed against his as his hands continued a slow exploration. I liked the warmth I got from his body. I liked being near him and these kisses that made my head spin a little.
But with that shift in our position I felt something press against me.
I felt everything stop. My stomach seemed to drop. Reid wanted this, he wanted more than this.
This wasn't different. All those feelings I knew so well came flooding back. I couldn't go further, I didn't want to.
Part of me wanted to scream, at Reid for giving me hope, at myself for not being able to do this for him. Another part of me wanted to just push forward and swallow all those uncomfortable feelings swimming in my mind.
There was no decision making. My body moved before I could decide what to do. My hand went to Reid's chest applying just enough pressure. It took one beat of my heart for Reid to separate from me.
I watched as his eyes searched my face. I didn't know what he could read but I saw that blissed out look turn to concern at whatever he saw. I wanted to scream.
I wanted to break something.
No not something, just myself.
I wanted to break myself until I was a pile of unrecognizable pieces. Everything was good, it was perfect. Reid was happy, I was happy. And now I had ruined it all. I let myself shine a light on the fact that I was different.
I wanted to be wrong so badly. I wanted this feeling inside me to just go away. I wanted to want the things everything else did.
But I didn't.
I didn't need to break myself, I didn't need to because something deep within me was already broken.
"I don't think I can do this anymore." I forced the words out of my mouth.
Reid didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve these words but I knew he also didn't deserve to not be given everything. I couldn't do more than this, I was at my limit and Reid had wanted more.
"Wait," Reid just shook his head slowly. "What?"
"This is over."
One day when Reid was happy and was able to find the person he deserved this would all be worth it. Maybe one day Reid would be able to forgive me and we could be friends.
But anything more than that, well the universe really didn't want me to have that.
"What?" Reid just blinked again not processing what was coming out of my mouth.
I didn't have it in me to repeat the words a third time. I couldn't. I felt that familiar panic start to creep in. It lit up my veins and it felt like my heart was trying to break out of my chest.
I couldn't do this. I couldn't be here. The walls started to close in. Every time I blinked it felt like when my eyes opened again the room had gotten that much smaller, but still Reid sat there next to me staring at me with concern and shock in his eyes.
My silence seemed to be enough. I didn't need to repeat my words. I didn't because I watched him understand, I watched as that concern shifted to something more fragile.
I could feel something else in me break at the sight.
"What happened? Did I do something?" His voice broke slightly. "Just tell me what I did so I can fix it. I like you Adam I don't want this to be over."
His hand reached out for a second but it only moved an inch before he seemed to realize what he was doing and yanked it back. I wanted to move my own hand. I wanted to meet him in the middle and pull me back into me.
I wanted to feel that warmth but it was gone.
I didn't deserve any of that warmth.
I deserved nothing.
The panic clawed up my throat and I couldn't do anything. I didn't even fight against it as it lashed out of me.
"I don't want to be with you, that's not something you can fix." The voice that said that barely even sounded like my own.
I wasn't in my body. I was nothing. I didn't try to stay present, I didn't try to take my body back even as I watched those words land that killing blow. Even when Reid got up and fled out of my room.
I didn't try to fight as it all crashed down on me.
Reid didn't deserve this but I did.
A/n:
Happy Friday! Hope I didn't totally ruin it....
I'm going to have a pretty busy weekend coming up and that's usually when I get the time to do some writing. So that means that I might miss next weeks upload but I am hoping to find some time to write during the week or squeeze it in this weekend between all the chaos.
Also I just wanted to say this even though I really shouldn't have to. But please don't post links to your story or try to promote your story in my comments. I don't really care if you post on the message board of my profile but if you post it in the comments of my story it's going to be deleted.
Thank you all so much for the continued understanding and support!! Hope you enjoyed this chapter!
-Cora Leigh