Freen Sarocha
To say that I was surprised, was the least that I could say. I never expected that she would kiss me ever again. Even when she had bowed down over me, her lips slightly touching, I expected her to pull away at the last minute. But no, she firmly pressed her lips on mine, making me release my long-held breath.
For a moment we shared. We shared a breath, a space, a moment of our time. But of course, it didn't last. As quickly as she had connected our beings, she disconnected them.
I let out a sigh, breathing out the last of our shared air.
'What now?' I asked, afraid of what was going to follow, but I knew that one of us had to ask.
Becky shrugged, not in an " I don't know" way, but more in a "Let's forget what is bound to happen" way.
And we both knew what was bound to happen. Although I had buried it deep, deep down, it was inevitable.
'Wanna forget about the past and the future and just focus on the now?' I whispered, holding her hand to make sure she didn't vanish into thin air.
'Hmm-mm. Just for a moment though.' Becky breathed, making the hairs on my neck stand up.
'A moment is all I need.' I muttered and pulled her slowly back to me, giving her a chance to resist, but she didn't.
I brought my mouth up to hers and pressed my lips gently on her lips.
We let our lips and tongue move in sync and enjoyed the tingling sensation that started from our mouths and quickly spread throughout the rest of our body.
'Hmm.' she moaned, sending chills, along with tingles, down my spine. I placed my hands on the outside of her thighs and ran them up and down. I could feel the goosebumps on her outer legs, but in between and higher up there was just soft, soft skin. I let my fingers travel up, but on the last minute decided against it and placed them on her lower back. She groaned and sat suddenly down on my lap, bringing her body impossibly closer. I also groaned and started to pull her body even closer into me. We kept kissing, our limbs intertwining and our bodies moving together as one.
We connected.
We connected in every way possible for separate human beings to connect to each other. A once in a lifetime connection.
But all good things have to come to an end. And so did this one.
"That was the now. Can we think about the future for a moment?' Becky mumbled after she had pulled out of the kiss.
I nodded, almost regretfully. We had reached a point where I wished time could stand still. A moment that I could relive for the rest of my life. A moment with no regard for the past or future. But it was just that, a moment.
'Yeah, we probably should' I swallowed, going back to my previous nervous state.
Becky slowly nodded, but instead of saying something, she rubbed her nose against mine, making all my thoughts disappear.
'If we want to talk about it, we should create some distance or else I won't be able to use my mind properly' I whispered truthfully but hating the idea of creating a distance.
'Yeah, you are right.' Becky agreed while standing up. She sat back down in her chair, and I winced from the lack of her warmth. We both sat in our own chairs, both feeling a bit lost. Again, we sat in silence, but this time it was rather comfortable than awkward.
'You want to know how I feel?' she suddenly asked, snapping me out of my own thoughts.
'Yes.' I simply answered, although I had a feeling, she would tell me either way, whatever my answer.
'I feel like I got cheated by love. Who the hell gets cheated by love?' she exclaimed, making me feel guilty. Probably unintended, but still, it was my fault she felt this way.
'I'm sorry you feel that way. But it'll pass.' I said, trying to console her, knowing that the love pill had its own subtle aftereffects.
Then I realized I also felt cheated by love.
Meeting and being with Becky was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. For the first time, I wasn't expecting someone better to come along. For the first time, I was sure that there wasn't anything better out there for me. For the first time, I believed that it was possible to connect to someone on another level. For the first time, I understood why everyone was so obsessed with finding love. It was undoubtedly worth it.
And I had to meet her under these circumstances. What if we had met under different circumstances? In a different setting, at a different time, in a different way, in a different life?
Would we have worked, or would I have screwed it up anyway?
Whatever could have been, I also felt cheated by love.
'Will it pass? You sure? I still feel, well, like before.' Becky asked, sounding terrified.
'Yes. It will. The pill is safe. It stops working after a week, absolutely sure.' I reassured her, nonchalant, but then it clicked.
It had been over a week, which meant that the love pill's effect had worn off. Like really worn off. It had aftereffects, but those were never lingering feelings, but flashes of regret, anger, sadness, Take your pick. Love wasn't one of them.
That could only mean one thing.
'Do you still have feelings for me?' I asked Becky, crossing my fingers, but not really knowing what I was hoping for.
Becky slowly nodded. 'Yes. I still like you.'
I felt my heart clench together, but I'm not sure if it was in happiness or sadness. Becky liking me had nothing to do with the love pill. Which meant that her feelings were genuine. I tried my best to keep a straight face, but somehow, Becky must have noticed my turmoil. I could see by the looks on her face that she also figured out what these feelings meant.
Still, that didn't soften my betrayal. It wouldn't change anything.
'It doesn't change anything, does it?' I asked, still hoping, but when she sadly shook her head, the hope immediately vanished.
'Figured' I muttered, forcing myself not to cry.
'I'm sorry...' can't. I just, can't.' Becky apologized, her voice hoarse from emotion.
'I know, it's okay, BB. I understand' I muttered, consoling both her and I.
Becky opened her mouth, but instead of saying anything she stood up and pulled me into a hug. I wrapped my arms around her waist and breathed in her scent. I was going to miss her.
'You should go' she whispered; her head buried in my neck.
'I know.' I whispered back, savoring my last moments with her.
'I'll miss you.'
Now I understand what people mean when they say something is bittersweet.
I'll miss you too' I mumbled back, without hesitation. She nodded and slowly pulled out of our embrace.
'I'll go.' I stated, knowing that it didn't matter how long we stood here, the outcome wasn't going to change.
I'll walk you out' Becky offered, making me gratefully smile. I weakly grinned, gathered my stuff and walked towards her front door. Hesitantly I opened the door and the icy wind instantly hit my face. If Billy wasn't going to pick me up, it would be a cold, long walk. Not that I couldn't use that, it would be good to clear my head.
'You know? I'm glad we are ending our relationship on good terms' Becky suddenly said, making me raise an eyebrow. Relationship.
'You think of this as a relationship?' I asked, cursing myself. What did it matter anyway? It was over.
Becky slowly nodded. 'Yeah, I guess so. We went on dates, we were dating, we both fell. I think we can call it a relationship.'
I nodded in agreement. Those were some good quotas.
'Sounds about right. I'm glad too' I agreed, swallowing a lump. This was a break-up.
'So, this is a break-up?' I said and although I used a questioning tone, we both knew it was a statement.
'This is a break-up. Becky sighed, looking down on the floor.
'You're going to be, okay?' I asked, concern coloring my voice.
'Hmm...Yeah, I will. In time.' Becky muttered, deep in thought. I gave her a weak smile and looked at the floor. It was one step.
One step and I was out of her house. I let out a big breath and forced my limbs to react. I slowly placed my foot over the threshold and closed my eyes.
'You know what though?' she suddenly added, making me turn around. 'I think I'll finally be able to sleep in my bed.'
'You haven't been sleeping well?' I asked concerned, worry probably spread all over my face.
She chuckled and shook her head in amusement.
'I've been sleeping on my couch because my bedroom smells like...Ehh. Smells like you.' she admitted, smiling lightly.
I also smiled, again getting that bittersweet feeling. I loved that she knew my scent and that it affected her but hearing that she didn't have a problem sleeping in it anymore, made my heart sink.
'Sorry about that.' I grimly apologized, trying not to sound too cheery or too dark. I took a deep breath and completely stepped out of her house.
This was it.
This was the moment where l let Becky go.
This was where our paths separated, and I stepped aside.
This was where I gave someone else a shot with her.
This was where I placed her happiness in front of mine.
This. Was. It.
'I wish you all the best in the world' I whispered, my voice breaking from the emotion. I tried my hardest not to cry, but a tear escaped my eye and fell down my cheek. Becky extended her hand and gently wiped it away.
'The same goes for you' she mumbled back, before leaning in and kissing me for the very last time.
I pressed my lips softly on hers, slowly moving them in sync. I felt my whole body tighten when it realized this was the last time, we were going to be kissing Becky.
The kiss tasted salty, probably from our tears, but tasted unmistakably like Becky.
This time I pulled out, closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around myself, in an attempt to hold on to the warm feeling that she gave me. I shivered from the cold and felt the sensation flee my body.
'Goodbye.' I whispered, breathing out little white clouds. She smiled, but the smile never reached her sad eyes.
I turned around and walked down her porch. I was cold, drained, empty and it had nothing to do with the weather.
This was it.
Can this be the end? :)