"When you fall in love and got hurt at the same time, everything becomes poignant. " Jennie was looking at the sea, watching the little waves hitting the shoreline.
"Ooohh... poignant. How do you spell that?" Irene's cousin Chaeyoung Park asked. They were in the latter's beach house. It's the weekend, and mainly for Jennie's benefit, Irene insisted for them to have a quick getaway. She previously met Rosie when Irene and her took on the Australian's ancestral house renovation project.
"Such a big word, I can't even spell it correctly." Jisoo added, already colluding with Chaeyoung. It's only the first time the two met, but they quickly hit it off.
"Even the corniest songs you ridiculed before, can be a revelation. You will find it profound and significant," she continued.
"Eh? Like what?" Jisoo questioned.
And then she sung a melody that she never imagined she will ever relate to, yet that moment, nothing fits more perfectly in her situation. She felt like the song was written for her.
"Why does the sun go on shining? Why does the sea rush to shore? Don't they know, it's the end of the world, 'çause you don't love me anymore..." And why do the birds go on singing? Why do the stars glow above? Everything is the same as it was.
"Where is the word poignant there?" Chaeyoung snickered.
"Just think about the lyrics," Jennie added. "Isn't it true? When you're sad, when you're hurt, everything's... let's just say it's unfair that when you look anywhere, nothing really changed but it feels like everything was all screwed up, that it's all different."
She sighed and continued. "It's not like I want you guys to get sad, too. I don't want to bum you out. It's just that... it's just simply amazing how insignificant we really are. Those who are broken hearted, the war, diseases-they come and go but the ocean waves come, transient yet always there, rising, falling."
"Jesus, Kim." Irene exaggeratedly rolled her eyes. "Did you drank all the alcohol we brought at the car?" Jennie ignored the jab.
"I think what the song really meant is, it may feel like the end of the world but it really is not and a broken heart will not make it stop turning," she concluded.
"Be honest, what did Jennie drink on your way over here?" Chaeyoung asked both Jisoo and Irene.
Jisoo chuckled. "Pepsi max."
"Let's make an emergency intervention." Irene quipped.
"Therefore, I really just have to keep living because maybe someday, I'll stop hurting and longing for something I could not have. Even the journey I need to take to reach that 'someday' will be hard because I won't be walking, I'll be crawling."
"I think we need to call for professional help for Jennie, guys," Jisoo announced. The three were fixing their lunch as she continued watching the sea. Chaeyong was cutting some fruits, Jisoo was arranging drinks. Irene was manning the grill. They all agreed to have a barbecue by the beach.
"We don't have to; I know what's wrong with her. She's sick... lovesick." Irene chortled while fanning the grill.
"Oohhh... so what's the best treatment for that?" Chaeyoung asked Irene.
"Tsk. Just let me have my moment, alright?" Jennie protested. "In time... this too, shall pass." Voicing out her thoughts made her feel a little better. So, maybe if she kept at it, she would eventually feel fine.
"A kiss," giving her no mind, Irene answered her cousin.
"That's it? Alright, come here. I happen to be a good kisser. Let me just put on some lip gloss." Chaeyoung took a step towards Jennie.
"No!" Jisoo held her palm up, stopping the Australian.
"I-I mean, not your kiss. It should be from the reason of her lovesickness." Jennie eyed Jisoo, who was blushing furiously.
Chaeyoung laughed, looking at Jisoo fondly.
"So, who was the culprit making our Jen here, this lovesick?" The tallest asked.
"It's Lisa."
"Lisa."
Irene and Jisoo both answered.
"Oohhh... do you have her number? Let's call her, so she can finally turn Jennie's frown, upside down!"
Jennie got alarmed. "Don't you even dare or I'll feed your body to the sharks and piranhas in that ocean ten feet from where you're standing!" She threatened.
"Why not?"
"She's probably busy with her life. Just let her be, okay? She does not need to be bothered." It has been a week that they haven't seen or talked with each other. No phone calls, no text messages. Even if Jennie was dying to reach out to the Thai, she chose to stay put. She needed to respect the other woman's wish and decision, to stop talking to her.
"But she's bothering you, so let's bother her back," Irene insisted.
"She didn't mean to; she didn't even know that she bothers my every waking thoughts."
"Did I say that she purposely bothered you? Only in the movies and TV dramas that people intentionally hurt each other's feelings. But, you two, you're both unintentionally bothered by each other."
"Just let it be. That's how it goes."
"Seriously? Wow. I just realized how you always seemed to never had any problem before. It's because you are so passive, Jennie." Irene mused. "I mean when it's about you, you just let things happen, without really doing anything about it."
Maybe. Okay. That hurt a little, so it must mean that it's true so Jennie stayed quiet.
Still, she believed that Lisa did not deserve to be bothered. The Thai had the right to do whatever she wishes, even if that fact nipped at Jennie's soul.
"I need to go to the restroom. Jisoo, will you come with me." Chaeyoung reached for the pretty Korean's arm who, left with no room for protest, just nodded in mild surprise.
Irene was busy grilling the meat, and Jennie was left with her thoughts. Once again, she focused on the waves, listen to the wind's gentle breeze, as her heart continued to bleed.
She didn't even realize how long before Jisoo and Chaeyoung returned. Chaeyoung helped Irene cook the rest of their food, while Jisoo sat at the picnic bench beside her. The raven-haired woman put her arm around Jennie's shoulders.
"Jendeuk, if you're saying you have feelings for Lisa, then what's the problem? She liked you once, she wanted you guys to date. Why don't you just tell her that you have feelings for her?"
Jennie exhaled, and looked at her feet as she buried her toes in the sand.
"Because, aside from the fact that I was still reeling from finding out that I might be gay, I got scared, Chu. What if this was just a fleeting kind of love? Like for both of us. I didn't want to hurt her again and lose her for good, so I said I wanted to remain friends. I didn't know that I'll lose her all the same. She said she had feelings for me, but got over it quickly. Then when she thought something happened because of my lie..." She exhaled a heavy breath and didn't have to continue.
"That's the most conflicted answer I ever heard. Frankly, I get your point but I don't get why you can't just talk to Lisa. You're miserable, Jen."
She sighed. If she can only bare her soul, maybe it will be easier to explain to other people. She just wanted to have Lisa in her life without conflict, even if it is just the way they were before--just friends.
"Wohooo! Finally, after 84 years, the meat's done. We can finally eat!" Yelled Chaeyoung.
"Come on, you Kims, let's eat or Chaeng will hoard all the barbecue. Don't get fooled by her skinny ass, she's a glutton!" Irene called, as she slapped her cousin's hand away from the platter of grilled meat.
Jisoo pulled her towards the bickering duo. "Come on, you lovesick dumpling. Let's just eat."
The lunch was fun, filled with laughter and playful banters from her other friends. And she was forced to join in, because it is not the end of the world. She just felt like it was.
***
Around five in the afternoon, after swimming and playing volley ball, they decided to lounge at the private pool in the rest house's backyard. Chaeyoung brought out wine and some snacks. They were just chatting, when her cell phone ringed loudly.
Jennie reached for it from her beach bag and felt her heart almost stopping as she read who the caller was. "H-hello?" she answered. Sitting straighter on one of the lounge chair.
"Where are you? I have been driving in circles for nearly an hour. I don't know if I should turn right or left. Where the heck is that Hank's Paradise? Why nobody around here knew about that place?" Lisa said in a mild reproaching tone.
"What... How did you knew we are here?"
"A woman named Chaeyoung called me. Where exactly is that place? I reached the end of the beach; I have been driving for hours-"
"Chaeyoung called you? As in Chaeyoung Park?"
"Hey, that's my name!" The tall Australian interrupted. "Is that Lisa?"
"Was that Chaeyoung?" Lisa asked. "Can I speak to her. I have been calling her and Jisoo and they didn't answer."
"Uhm, we were playing volley at the beach earlier, maybe they didn't heard their phones. Hang on." Jennie gave her phone to Chaeyoung. The two women talked about directions. Chaeyoung gave all the landmarks she can think of, even the Cherry Blossom Tree at the front of the resort.
"It's an exclusive community. Only pretty people knew about this place. Maybe the one you asked for directions aren't hotties." The Australian laughed like she and Lisa were old friends, the way the blonde easily joked with the Thai. "Hurry up, Lisa. Your girl was really lovesi-" Jennie took the phone away from the blonde's hand and pressed the end call button.
"Hey! I'm not done talking. That's rude, considering I just did you a favor."
"Why did you ask Lisa to go here?" She's frantic. Jennie's emotions were in chaos. She's excited, anxious, happy, sad-every feeling she can think of with the thought of seeing Lisa. How can she possibly contain all those feelings?
"So, she can finally treat your lovesickness with her...kiss." Irene butt in, even making ridiculous kissey face that made Jisoo chuckle.
"I need to go back, now." She stood up, and gathered her belongings.
"What do you mean you need to go, to the city? Are you nuts?" Jisoo pulled her arm forcing her to sit back to the lounge chair
"I can't... face her," she confessed.
"Why? Is something wrong with your face? Is she a stalker that going to murder you?"
"Just because."
"Oh, for fuck's sake." Jisoo fed up, scolded Jennie. "You're in love with her, Lisa loves you. Just go talk!"
Chaeyoung grinned, eyeing Jisoo with what can only be described as adoring eyes. Jennie was too anxious for Lisa's impending arrival that she chose to ignore that little tidbit for now.
"Okay, just hear us out, Jennie. This is even more poignant. Will Lisa even bother to go here, drive for nearly four hours, trust someone she hasn't even met for directions, if she isn't serious about her feelings for you?" Chaeyoung probed.
That made Jennie stop and think. "Wait a second, what did you tell her? And how did you get her number?"
"Jisoo gave Lisa's number to me, when I asked for it earlier."
"I see." When the two went to the restroom. The two already formed a team to conspire against her and help her on the first day. (Chaesoo, the softest ship ever )
"What did you say to her?" She needed to know how far did these two sold her out.
"I said, you were lovesick and you need to be treated with true love's kiss, ASAP."
Irene and Jisoo giggled.
"That's it?"
"Yes. Well, she also asked who I was at first, after introducing myself I let Jisoo talked to her for the first few minutes. After that, she said she'll be here to 'heal' you."
"Ugh."
"Hurry up, have some mints. You wouldn't want to kiss Lisa with barbecue breath, don't you?"
All her so-called friends sniggered again.
"Now I know how you and Irene are related."
Jennie then set her eyes on Jisoo and chastised her oldest friend.
"What are you even getting mad at? You want to talk to her, you missed her. Don't even deny it."
"But I'm not sure what to tell Lisa. You should have at least warned me earlier that she's coming, gave me time to be prepared."
"It's better if it's spontaneous. It's more natural."
She sat with her feet at the seat of the chair, legs pulled up closer to her chest with her chin resting on her knees. "I'm nervous."
"That's how people in love usually are."
After a few seconds, she stood up. "I really can't face her yet." There's pandemonium inside her stomach. The anticipation of what was to come was awful. She couldn't explain it. She just became restless, jumpy, she feel like throwing up.
Jennie went inside the house, got her stuff which were fortunately still at the living room then started walking out towards where her car was.
The three stooges saw her and went after her. "Jennie, where are you going?" Jisoo yelled. She walked faster, sprinted then eventually ran.
"What the- Get back here, Jennie!"
She got inside her car. Irene slammed her hands on the car trunk. "Get out of the car, Kim! Jisoo, Chaeng, go at the front of the car!"
Then they heard a succession of beeps.
Lisa has arrived and parked in front of her car. Their car bumpers only half foot apart.
"What's going on?" The Thai asked.
Jisoo explained. Not long after, Lisa was knocking on her car window. The Thai gestured for her to open the passenger door, and walked around the car to go there.
She unlocked the door, Lisa got in.
But the accountant remained quiet for too many agonizing seconds. Jennie finally snapped and was the one who couldn't stand the silence, it stressed her out.
"Are we going to just sit here?"
"It's up to you," Lisa answered quietly.
"What do you mean it's up to me?"
"If you'd prefer to sit here in silence."
She gripped the steering wheel tighter. "Why did you come here?"
"They said you were lovesick, and you needed treatment."
"And you believed them?"
Lisa stayed quiet again.
"If you have nothing else to say, just get out of the car. I wanna go back home before it gets late." She looked ahead, not looking at the passenger seat.
"Why do you sound angry? Did I do something wrong? Wasn't I the one who supposed to be mad here because of what you did?"
She turned to look at Lisa so fast she could have likely had a whiplash. "Mad on what I did? I already apologized. But if it wasn't enough, again, I'm sorry I let you believed that something happened to us." What else does she need to apologize for?
"That's not the only thing I'm upset about."
"Then what?"
"You confused me. I was okay being just your friend, I was. Then you kissed me."
"What's anything got to do with the kiss?" She could not look at Lisa, and Lisa could not look at her, they were both looking straight ahead.
Lisa got quiet again.
"What is it?
"When you kissed me at the club, I felt that... wow, finally, you might felt the same way. Then you said you just wanted to help me to get rid of my gold-digger ex." Lisa's voice was low, words uncertain. It was a version of Lisa that she has never seen before. She wasn't her normal assertive, aggressive, funny, confident and commanding self, she looked like a child unsure what to do next.
Finally? "Same way?"
"I..."
Jennie felt like her heart's hanging by a thread. She swore, Lisa will give her a heart attack at the age of twenty-eight. "You what, Lisa?" Just say it!
"I..."
Jennie was still waiting for Lisa to continue. She can feel her heartbeat on her throat.
"I didn't want to lose you, Jennie." Jennie felt like a balloon deflated, she was disappointed, it was not what she was hoping to hear but she let the Thai continue. "It was clear with how you laughed at my face last year, that you didn't want me romantically, but you kissed me once and you already made me get my hopes up."
"Lisa..."
"When I thought something happened to us, I really believed my dream was real because for so long, I wanted it badly to be true. In that dream, I felt so sure that you were in love with me, you kissed me back there. You let me show you how much I want you... and then I found out that it didn't really happen. I was hurt because..." Lisa exhaled and looked out the passenger window. "I was so happy to finally have a shot with you. And so, when I learned about the truth, I got embarrassed. I didn't know if I can even be around you anymore."
"Lisa. Listen to me. I thought you got confused about your real feelings for me. The thought of a make-believe true love--"
"This is real, Jennie. It is not an imaginary love."
"I know. I think I know that, now. But when I said that we didn't have sex, I thought you realized that you only got carried away and that what you felt for me was fleeting and might be another imaginary kind. I-I was not faking it, Lisa. I kissed you back, because I have feelings for you, romantic kind. And I thought you knew that. So when you said it's not possible for us to remain friends, I thought that maybe you realized that your feelings for me is...not real so I gave you a way out by offering friendship."
"Huh?" Lisa looked dumbfounded. Slightly returning to the Lisa she knew so well. "What are you even saying? You're so confusing."
"Me? You're the one who wouldn't tell me that you love me."
"Because you didn't want my love when I confessed that I have feelings for you. You laughed at my face, remember?"
"That was before I learned about my own feelings for you. And I already apologized profusely. Will you stop going back to that, I was just surprised, okay? I didn't mean to laugh."
"Fine."
"Fine."
"So, if that was your reaction before, how do you feel about me now?"
"Mildly irritated, to be honest. But, other than that, if you confess again right now, I don't think I will be laughing."
"I guess that's a start." They were smiling at each other. Not saying the words just yet, but they understand, it's enough for now.
"Why did we make it so complicated?"
"Because... I don't know. We're both scared to lose each other?"
"Because we're both idiots."
"Idiots in love." Jennie was laughing now. Lisa joined her.
"Now what? " The Thai took her hand, pressed it on her own cheek and kiss the insides of her wrist. Jennie's heart melted like a puddle of goo.
"From now on, we'll talk. We'll take things slow, don't worry, sweetheart. I know, you might still be overwhelmed. But now, let's go inside because I drove for four hours, I badly need to pee.