For the first time in what has to be years, I did not see Alex at all on a school-year Sunday. We would always make some time to get together to do homework, study for a test, or at least hang out to stare at the TV or grab some lunch. It made sense. We were each right next door.
Instead, I sat in my room alone staring at my new Homecoming dress hanging on the back of my door and watching what was definitely a few too many skateboarding videos. I was hoping I would be able to actually learn something about the things Montana was doing on her board as she hopped and twisted herself around, but no matter what it all felt like a jumble of confusing jargon lodged in my brain and scared to come out for fear of being completely and utterly wrong. The last thing I wanted to do was compliment her for doing something that she definitely didn't do.
I'm not sure I could deal with that embarrassment.
I also occasionally checked Montana's videos to see if anything I had filmed had been uploaded. She hadn't mentioned what she was going to do with my footage or when, but every time I refreshed the page to see nothing new waiting, I feared that I really hadn't done as good a job as she had repeatedly tried to tell me I did the other night.
It probably annoyed her how much I asked for reassurance, but after everything Stuart had said I wanted to make absolutely certain that I wasn't being a complete screwup. And anyway, if it did annoy her, she didn't show it. That's a good thing, isn't it?
"You're not still worried about the color of your dress are you?"
This was how Alex greeted me as I got in his car Monday morning. Losing myself in skating tricks had been a wonderful distraction from the fact that I had most likely picked the wrong thing to wear for the dance.
"As long as we match, right?" I said, as flatly as I could manage. "That's the important part."
"Is it?"
"I...I...I..." There was nothing I could say, so I didn't.
"You did try it on, didn't you?" I nodded, even though I didn't want to. "And you look good in it?"
"I...I think so."
"That's what should matter. Just look your best."
"I try."
"The..." Alex paused and sighed. "...uh, the only problem is..."
"What?"
"Uh, like, I'm sure Montana knows what she's attracted to. She might be attracted to a girl that looks like you. She might love how you look in your dress. But..."
"But?"
"...but she doesn't know you're into girls. She's not going to just start flirting with you because you look good. She thinks you're totally straight."
"Stop reminding me." I did my best to turn myself away from him. This was my way of telling him this conversation was over. We'd been around each other enough for him to have more than learned his lesson, which I knew he did when I heard him let out an even louder and longer sigh over my shoulder.
"You'll get there, Char, I know you will. You've already started hanging out, so, that's good..."
"She's just so far out of my league." I don't know why I said anything, but I did. "I don't even know what I'm doing when I'm with her."
"You're helping her, aren't you?"
"I don't want to be her assistant, Alex."
"I know, I was just—"
"—but if that's how this has to start, then that's what I'm going to do. If she wants me to go to the park with her once a week or every single damn night, I'll do it. I want to be near her. I want her to be near me. I want to get to know her. I want her to get to know me. I want us to become close enough friends that I won't feel like my soul is trying to escape my body every time I talk to her and then I can tell her how I feel about her." I laid myself back in his seat, cranked it backwards, and stared up at the ceiling. I was shaking and sweating. My feet were starting to go numb. "And then she'll probably laugh at me."
"She won't laugh at you for that."
I held my phone up out of my lap and waved it in the air. "I'm trying to learn about skateboarding. I'm trying to learn, like, the moves and the lingo and stuff."
Alex giggled. "Okay, she might laugh at you for that."
"Why?"
"Because if you just suddenly approach her and start talking about skating like you've been doing it your whole life, she's going to think you're crazy. She knows you don't know anything and she doesn't care. Maybe you should be asking her to teach you instead of the internet."
"You know Monty did teach me something already." I said, then flipped him off and attempted to roll myself away from him.
"I'm allowed to be right about things every once in a while." He said.
It wasn't like I hadn't thought about this exact thing all day yesterday as I watched those videos. Most of what they were saying sounded like complete gibberish, and I'm sure if I tried to imitate them in front of Montana that it would probably just end up being complete gibberish, too. All I knew was that what the people I was watching were doing looked impressive, and seeing her do it right in front of me made me want to melt into a puddle and slip off into a storm drain.
What attracted me to Montana was her edge, or her rough edges, but on her board she was nothing but silky smooth. I just had to learn to ignore all the times she would inevitably injure herself.
I'd maybe watched a couple of those kinds of videos, too.
And so what if she's not perfect? Smooth doesn't have to mean perfect. It just has to mean...smooth.
I really need to stop thinking about how smooth Montana Blackburn was and is, especially while laying down in her cousin's car.
"She just...makes me nervous." I blurted out as I pulled the seat back up and noticed we were turning into the school's lot. "I can't help it."
"You'll get over it." Alex said. "Just relax and...and...and..."
"And what?"
He didn't speak, he just pointed his finger up and out the windshield. Montana's car was sitting the same place it had been the last time she drove, and she was sitting on top of it just as she had been before. This time, however, she was not alone.
"You think they're waiting for us?" He asked as we pulled into the empty space next to them.
Based on how they were both staring down into my window, I doubted he needed to.
"Yeah. I do."
"You'll be fine."
"What about you?" I asked as he opened his door.
"This isn't about me." He said, then stood and smacked both his hands onto the roof. "What do you two want?!"
"Stuart needs a ride home." Montana said as I popped my own door open. "Me and Charley got work to do."
We do???
"Uh, since when are you the boss of me, Monty?" I grinned at her and tried to look intimidating. Based on how hard she rolled her eyes, I doubt I succeeded.
"In for a penny, in for a pound. You're my new camera operator. Stu here's getting demoted to just being my neighbor."
"Just?! Hey! I'm also your best friend." Stuart pouted a little, then looked at me, Alex, and back to Montana. "Aren't I?"
"Yeah, yeah." She waved him off, but was obviously just messing around. "And my hot date for Homecoming. Woo! You should see how this boy cleans up."
"I do my best."
Montana eyed Alex, but I'm not sure Stuart noticed. Alex, however, definitely did.
"Guh...uh...good to know....know you have a date, I mean." He was stammering. "But, uh, obviously I already knew you two were going, uh, just like me and Charlotte are."
"Yeah, Stu's a real pal. He'll take me on all the dates I want but, like, if I see a girl I want he'll get out of the way." Now her eyes went to mine. "Because that's what good guys do."
"Uh..huh...yep. Sounds about right."
"Does that mean you'll give me a ride home, Alex?"
"Um, yeah. I can do that."
"It's either that or he walks home." Montana said, pointing back down to me. "Cause like I said, me and you have work to do."
My chest tightened. "You...you want me to help you again?"
"You did a good job." She said. I could barely believe that she was smiling. "Better than he ever did."
"Hey!" Stuart said, but recoiled when she took a half-hearted swing at him. "I did okay enough."
"I haven't posted the video yet. I wanted you to see it first. You, uh, want to look at it during lunch?"
"That'd be good. You want to eat lunch with us?"
She shrugged, but was still smiling. "Might as well."
"I was thinking we could carpool, too." Stuart added, but I kept my gaze trained on Montana. "Or at least swap around in case you two are going to be working." She didn't seem to upset about the idea. "Does that work for you, Alex? Could you pick me up? Or would it be okay if I picked you up sometimes?"
"Uhh.....if it makes it easier for them." He said, sounding a little like he was going to scream and run off out of the lot. "Whatever works for you."
"We can talk about it this afternoon when you drive me home." Stuart said, then jumped out of Montana's car and down to the pavement. "Or now, if you want, while we walk to homeroom."
"Uh....whatever, man." While a part of me wanted to make sure Alex was okay, a bigger part of me was glued to Montana, and I could see how much she was enjoying the apparent squirming of her cousin as he shut his door and walked around the car.
I didn't notice he was next to me until he whispered in my ear.
"What is going on?"
I coughed to cover my mouth, then whispered back. "You'll get over it. Just relax."
If Montana noticed how much I was smiling as I watched Alex trundle away, she didn't react. Stuart was standing in the road, waiting and watching. Alex passed him by without a saying a word, forcing Stuart to play catch up as they crossed over to the sidewalk. If they started to talk to each other, I couldn't hear it.
"Boys..." Montana finally said, laughing just a little as she, too, jumped down. "...how's he doing, anyway?"
With her now next to me...close to me...I choked up. My eyes flicked to the nape of her neck, then up to the edge of her jaw and then the bottom of her right earlobe. Once again, if she noticed, she didn't show it.
"He's...fine." I squeaked. "We, uh, haven't really talked about the stuff with Stuart. I think...I think it makes him uncomfortable."
"He's always looked a little uncomfortable." She said, then slipped her arm around me and patted at my right shoulder. It took every ounce of strength I had not to flinch. "You know what? If I hadn't always known your relationship was a joke, I would have still eventually had some suspicions."
"Uh..." now I flinched, "...why?"
"You are way too good for a guy like him." She gave my shoulder a squeeze this time, followed by two more stiff pats. "Not that he's terrible or anything. I'm sure he's fine. You two just never seemed to fit together like you should."
"I...I...I don't think Alex is a bad guy. If...he was straight, uh, who knows...are you saying you want Stuart to end up with him even though he sucks?"
"I didn't say that." She said, letting me go and making a hole open up somewhere deep inside me. "Actually, I don't want to think about either of them sucking anything. They'd probably make a cute couple, I was just trying to say that you, Charley, never felt like an Alex kind of girl to me."
"Because you knew I wasn't, Monty."
"Or maybe I just thought you deserved better." Another smile crossed her lips as she started to walk away. "And if the two of them can get their shit together and out in the open, there still might be hope for you to find that someone better. Who knows who might come after you if everyone finds out you're actually single."
I stayed still and looked down at my feet to keep from following her with my eyes. With her back to me, I could let myself shiver in peace and grumble into my fist as I faked another small coughing fit.
"Who knows who? If you ask me, that someone better...be you."