Hongjoong awakens from a light nap to find Seonghwa still curled into him with his hands placed gently on the nurse's chest.
The elder's lashes are crusted over from crying, but they fan out over the swell of his cheeks as he slumbers.
His lips are still swollen from their kisses and Hongjoong finds himself reaching out to brush a stray lock of hair from his eyes.
This is certainly a new development, but the nurse can't find it in himself to be surprised or even concerned.
In a way, he had always felt that things would gravitate to this, he just didn't expect it to happen so seamlessly.
After the massage incident, he figured Seonghwa wasn't emotionally ready to handle their ever-changing relationship— and maybe he still isn't— but coming to Hongjoong for comfort was certainly a big step.
He's not entirely sure why his patient was so upset, but he assumed it had something to do with the passing of Wooyoung's mother.
No matter the issue, it meant that Seonghwa trusted the nurse enough to be vulnerable and that was such a great progression on its own.
He just hopes that this time, Seonghwa doesn't run away, doesn't try to fight it, because Hongjoong can't any longer.
That's why the kiss had happened in the first place— the nurse had grown restless watching Seonghwa cry, seeing him in pain, and then the elder had found comfort in Hongjoong's story about his mother's taste in music and those dark eyes had softened at the edges, his face had lost the usual hardness, and then there in his arms, was just Seonghwa, looking up at Hongjoong like no one else ever had.
Not even Seongie.
And so, running his fingers over the smooth skin of Seonghwa's tear-stained cheeks, Hongjoong had decided to go for it, and it's probably the single best decision he's ever made.
He smiles just thinking about it and lets out a breathy sigh.
With a soft groan, Seonghwa wakes next to him, blinking a few time as his fingers flex and brush against the nurse's chest, but he doesn't move his hands.
Instead, he pushes just a little closer and peers over Hongjoong's shoulder at the clock on the nightstand.
"Fuck, we've only been asleep for thirty minutes."
Hongjoong laughs at this.
"I guess we tired each other out."
A dusting of pink colors Seonghwa's cheeks at the statement and he rolls away to stretch his upper torso.
"Shit, I'm tired but also... not tired." Hongjoong wonders if they are going to talk about what happened, or if the moment is too fragile to address just yet.
He doesn't want to scare Seonghwa away, so he decides that a redirection of the night is in order, just to make sure things don't get too heavy.
"I understand what you mean. We did end up taking a nap," the nurse states with a grin. "We should, uh, go out and do something."
Incredulous, Seonghwa cocks a brow as he fluffs his bedhead.
"Right now? But it's so late."
This makes Hongjoong snort as he watches his patient stretch out on the bed as much as he can.
His legs are curled up where the nurse placed them and Joy has decided to lay on them.
"Late? Oh, come on, this is nothing for you, right?"
"Are you referring to my sordid past?" Seonghwa deadpans, eyeing the nurse from the corner of his eye.
"I'm referring to the fact that you don't have fun anymore and you should."
Hongjoong knows he's being a little bold, but they really need to change things up a little bit, or else Seonghwa will get stuck in his head again and Hongjoong will follow, and tomorrow they will be right back where they began, only this time with the memory of several simmering kisses burning in their minds.
Seonghwa is still glaring at him, but there isn't any fire in his gaze.
"With you?"
"Yes, with me," Hongjoong clarifies, rolling his eyes. "We had fun last time."
"Last time I nearly choked to death and then ended up getting thrown out of my chair and down a hill."
The nurse pouts, reaching out to pick Joy up and cuddle her.
"You don't have to be negative about it."
"Ok then, what's the positive?" Seonghwa is staring at him pointedly, but there's a cheeky little smirk threatening to play on his lips.
Hongjoong loves this.
He loves joking around with his patient, acting like actual friends rather than stiff professional acquaintances.
Humming in consideration, the nurse begins to list off his thoughts.
"We had a great dinner by Yeosang, we became friends, we talked about stuff and got closer, you tried the world's best candy, and you won our race." He smiles at the end and Joy even lets out a yip of satisfaction.
"I suppose I did," Seonghwa declares proudly. "You still owe me takeout food for that."
"Oooh, you're right! So we definitely have to go out now!" With a flourish, Hongjoong rises to his feet and sets Joy on the bed.
The dog immediately waddles over to Seonghwa and begins to lick the elder's face.
"Wait, right now?" Seonghwa questions, not even flinching as Joy keeps giving him kisses.
"You weren't joking about that?"
Cracking a smile, Hongjoong stretches, feeling a strange sense of giddiness filling him.
It seems he's more affected by the sudden shift in their relationship than he originally thought because now he can't get the idea of taking Seonghwa on a second date out of his head.
"Of course not, old man," he teases. "We both aren't tired and you deserve to get out more. I can show you the 'midnight city'."
Seonghwa narrows his eyes.
"The midnight what?"
"It's what I call the time of night after, well, midnight," the nurse explains, gesturing grandly.
"Everything is just so different than it is at any other time of the day, but there's still so much to see. Like at the park for instance, it's peaceful but there's all these eclectic street vendors and people who work night shifts out and about. It's fun."
"That's what you said about the candy. Am I going to end up choking on something on this date too?"
"Only if you want to."
Right before his eyes, Seonghwa's face grows impossibly red.
Seconds later, Hongjoong realizes how that sounded.
He had honestly meant it as another joke alluding to trying more candy or some other food, but the words just fly out of his mouth, taking on a life of their own.
"Oh my god, I was talking about the candy, hyung, I swear! I would never say something like—"
Seonghwa cuts him off with an exaggerated sigh, still lounging back on the bed.
"You talk too much, you know that?"
"I really didn't mean it like that, I promise." Hongjoong swears his face is burning hotter than the sun.
His suggestion to go out was supposed to relieve some of their tension, not add to it.
Now Seonghwa would get flustered again and shut down and everything would be ruined—
"Joong."
The nurse swallows hard and comes out of his thoughts.
"Yeah?"
Seonghwa's smile comes out to play.
"Just shut up and take me out."
__
In a way, Hongjoong was right about this supposed 'midnight city'.
It's almost as if Seoul itself had been dipped in something ethereal, a light mist shimmering over everything as they stroll through the very same park from their date.
It's nearly empty, and Seonghwa wants to tease the nurse for his false promises of fun, but then they arrive at the small corner where the vendors are usually set up and he has to eat his words.
It's... strange, but fun.
There's a group of teens busking, singing terribly off-key to older Big Bang songs while an old man sways to the melody as if he were at a wedding.
The street food itself smells amazing and the fare is widely varied, much unlike it is during the daytime.
The candy vendor from last time isn't present and Seonghwa is grateful— he doesn't think he'll ever get over that little incident, however funny it turned out to be.
"What do you want?" Hongjoong asks, positioning his patient at a table. "Kimbap? Noodles? Whatever that guy is selling?" He points to a man handing out foil packets of what look like balls of dough.
Seonghwa hums, taking in the options.
"You promised me something magical for being out here so late, so you decide, I guess."
The grin on Hongjoong's face makes him instantly regret those words.
The nurse skips away in boyish glee and Seonghwa finds himself grinning just as widely.
He can't believe they're actually at this place, having forgone their earlier reservations about getting too close and just diving right in.
Seonghwa certainly hadn't intended for it to happen this way, but now that he's here, watching Hongjoong pay for their food, his caramel skin warm in the soft glow of the streetlights, he can't find it in himself to regret a single thing.
Especially their kiss.
Oh, their kiss—
He could write fucking sonnets about that kiss.
"Wasabi Ramen," Hongjoong blurts out as he comes back to the table, hiding his selections behind his back.
Seonghwa scrunches up his nose at the thought and glares at the nurse.
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
"Just teasing!" Hongjoong presents their food and places it on the table. "I settled for the kimbap. Didn't want you to get mad over my food choices again, Hyungie."
"Hyungie?"
"You called me 'Joong' earlier. I think formalities have been thrown out by now."
A little stunned, Seonghwa begins to eat his meal.
"You have a point."
Did he really call the nurse 'Joong'?
That's so... casual and intimate.
Was he really feeling that safe with the younger man that he just let it slip?
He ponders the development of their relationship as they eat and realizes just how much of asshole he's been throughout the entire thing.
Suddenly, his face burns with shame, especially now that he can see just how genuine Hongjoong has been with his feelings, even though he's just discovered that he's gay.
Clearing his throat, Seonghwa begins to speak.
"So, I wanted to apologize for a few things. I know that I've been nothing but difficult for you since you took this job and then I let you in, only to push you out when you tried to be there for me, and now...this." He blushes profusely.
"I...bet you're waiting for me to freak out on you again, huh?"
"Not going to lie... yes." The nurse laughs at his own confession, but he's not angry. "I've been kind of worrying about that."
"Well, I can't promise I won't— I still can't believe it. One moment you're you, with your hair in that stupid ponytail," Hongjoong cackles at this, "and your fruit juice and all that lip balm, and then the next... it's more than that. I have no fucking idea how it happened." Seonghwa sighs after his rambling, staring down at the table with knots in his stomach.
He doesn't want to seem rude, but he honestly can't wrap his mind around how he let himself open up to someone who isn't Wooyoung.
"Anyways, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for all the shit I've done and all the shit I'm going to do, I guess."
He expects Hongjoong to laugh, but instead he looks up to find the nurse staring at him with soft eyes.
"You really don't need to apologize, hyung. I understand."
And there's something about the way Hongjoong says this that irks Seonghwa.
"Shit," he curses, eyeing the other. "You always do that, you know? Let me push you around and then try to comfort me by saying you understand. It's ok to get mad at me, you know."
"I know it's ok, but..." Hongjoong trails off, poking at the leftover kimbap on the table. "I really do understand. I get it, this is weird and we're both still... dealing with some things, so..."
"Things?"
The nurse shifts awkwardly in his chair.
"Well, if I'm being honest, I'm still not over my last relationship, and you've got your issues..."
Seonghwa quirks a brow.
He doesn't know whether to be offended or impressed that the other man is taking this seriously and has thought this through.
"You're still in love with Wooyoung," Hongjoong clarifies with a hard swallow. "I can just tell, and I don't blame you. He's a really nice person."
"Yeah, I guess I am," Seonghwa admits.
Of course he's known this, but admitting it out loud to someone who isn't his best friend is jarring.
They've talked about this before, but never in the present tense, and surprisingly, the nurse doesn't seem upset by this fact.
Probably because he too, has someone he can't let go.
What a pair they make together.
"It's definitely a process, getting over him... So, you're still in love with your girlfriend, huh? Like it's more than just feeling guilt about moving on?"
"Yes... I don't think I could ever forget her."
It's strange, but Seonghwa doesn't feel jealous.
Maybe because their relationship is so new and he's still processing things, or maybe he doesn't feel the need to be in competition with someone who isn't here.
"You don't have to forget her," he tells the nurse. "I mean, you can't only want her forever, but moving on doesn't mean that you forget someone or that you don't love them, it just means you accept reality."
Hongjoong nods at this, his lips pulled into a slight frown.
"You feel that way about Wooyoung, huh? You accept the fact that you won't be together but you still love him, but it's just different now."
"That's... what I'm working towards, yeah. What about you? What are you working towards?"
"I-I'm not really sure," the nurse answers honestly. "Like, obviously I've discovered some things about myself recently, but I'm not sure if that's really me or if it's because I miss her so much... like maybe I'm trying to find her in everyone."
"So, what we did..." Seonghwa trails off, deciding not to finish the question.
He purses his lips and tries to squash down the urge to lash out.
It's difficult though, because he had just assumed that their kiss was some sort of declaration from Hongjoong that he was interested in Seonghwa, but now...
Hongjoong quickly tries to backtrack, waving his hands frantically.
"I'm sorry, I said that wrong! I really do like you— So much, hyung. You just... you remind me of her a lot. You're quiet and determined, but soft and sweet. It's moments like this, when it's just the two of us that I get to see you for who you really are and it's so nice. It's nice to feel like this again."
When Seonghwa doesn't speak, instead just staring at the table, Hongjoong clears his throat.
"But you're not a replacement for her, if that's what you're thinking. It's been three years since I lost her and I've never once been interested in anyone— let alone a guy— but then you happened. That has to mean something, you know?"
It's not much, and it really doesn't quell the burn of insecurity within Seonghwa, but the nurse is being honest, and that counts for something.
"Do you want it to mean something?" he asks, looking up at Hongjoong and trying his hardest not to look like a hopeful school girl waiting for her oppa to notice her.
"Do you, hyung? Because I do... I really do."
And it's the way Hongjoong looks in this moment, his bleached hair falling haphazardly around his face, his skin glowing in the streetlights with eyes that are wide and imploring, focused solely on Seonghwa like he's the entire world, like he's important— this is what breaks Seonghwa.
"I think— I think I have a lot of shit to figure out but...yes," he admits, his voice quiet, but he's certain the nurse can hear him perfectly.
"I want it to mean something."
It's hard to admit and he can already feel the future version of him regretting this admission, but the twinkle in Hongjoong's eye is worth it.
The nurse smiles, cupping his chin in his hand and leans across the table.
"Then where do we go from here?"
Seonghwa laughs darkly because he loves this feeling but he hates this part— reality, practicality.
"I hate to be this way, but is there anywhere to go? Wooyoung is coming back soon and you'll have to move on to a new patient. You have your whole life ahead of you, Hongjoong, and this isn't a drama. I'm not going to walk ever again, not without risky intervention. Being with me means tying you down and I'm not willing to do that."
Hongjoong frowns at this and sits back.
He opens his mouth to speak but Seonghwa beats him to it.
"I know what you're thinking. And what do you intend to do, Hongjoong? Be with me but still be my nurse? Do I keep paying you? You wouldn't be able to get another job if you're always taking care of me. And if you let Wooyoung continue to care for me, then where does that leave you? What if you get assigned to a patient across the city; what if you get offered another live-in position? Would you really be ok with Wooyoung being so close with me, knowing I still have feelings for him? And what about you? It's hard enough just coming to terms with liking men, but you're willing to just embrace that and jump into a relationship with a disabled man while still grieving the loss of your girlfriend?" Seonghwa finishes his barrage of questions and just stares at his nurse.
Remaining quiet, Hongjoong considers his patient's words before placing his hands on the table.
"So that's it? There's no future for us? This is all just some thing you let me do until you have to let me down?"
"Hongjoong, please don't start—"
"Hyung, you came to me when you wanted comfort," the nurse states, furrowing his brows.
"Does that not tell you something about us, about yourself? You don't let people in and yet here we are. We kissed and I haven't felt like that in such a long time and I know you haven't either. Are we just supposed to ignore that?"
Seonghwa sighs and rubs his temples.
Why do they always end up doing this?
"You said it yourself, how do you know you really want me? If I remind you of her so much, how do you know that you want just me? You're just looking for a distraction, and sometimes we get attached to things that are familiar, you know? You just don't realize that's what you're doing."
Hongjoong's face falls and Seonghwa doesn't miss the way he swallows hard before parting his lips as if to refute.
He quickly snaps his mouth shut and takes a deep breath.
"You're not her. I know that. And I'm not trying to make you into her. I want you because I respect you, because you're strong and resilient and you're all the things I couldn't be when I was going through my own problems."
Seonghwa feels a pang of guilt upon hearing the confession.
He thinks of the email he received about the surgery that started this whole thing.
How he's too much of a coward to tell his father just to fuck off.
How he's too ashamed and embarrassed to tell his best friend and now Hongjoong.
"I'm not as perfect as you think I am."
"I never said you were," the nurse counters. "I just said that you are you, and to me, that's enough."
Scoffing, Seonghwa rolls his eyes.
"Why the fuck do you always sound like a male lead in a drama?"
"I'm just charming." Hongjoong smiles and runs his hands through his hair as if posing for a closeup.
"No, you're a demon put on this earth to tempt me."
The nurse giggles and visibly relaxes.
"You're always so funny, hyung. I like that."
And then Hongjoong is staring at him from across the table, all googly eyes and shy, grins, warm and bright and everything Seonghwa doesn't deserve.
Wooyoung's words echo in his head about giving the nurse a chance and not shutting himself off but it's so hard when reality is right there in front of them, mere days and a contract termination away.
Seonghwa knows all the reasons he listed earlier are right.
There's just no winning in this situation, but then Hongjoong is looking at him like that with hope in his eyes, reaching over to tangle their fingers together.
How the fuck is he so calm?
How can he just ignore what's coming?
"Hyung, if you think it won't work, why don't you let time decide that?"
Groaning, Seonghwa resists the urge to bash his head onto the table.
"I don't believe you. How can you honestly ask that after everything you've been through? Are you not afraid of losing someone else?"
At this, the glimmer in the nurse's eyes dulls a bit, but he's still smiling, so resilient.
Seonghwa has never known such an emotion despite his tough facade.
"Of course I'm terrified of that, but I've been living in fear for three years of my life, probably even before that when she first told me about the cancer, but I'm just... tired," Hongjoong admits, squeezing his patient's hand.
"Before this job, I had just me, Maddox, and Joy and a future filled with endless days of the same thing over and over. But you changed that. And it sounds stupid, but I'm not willing to go back."
Dumbfounded, Seonghwa stares at this man whose bleeding heart is on his sleeve just waiting for Seonghwa to reach out and tear it apart.
He realizes now that that's the difference between them—
Where Hongjoong sees opportunity to move forward, Seonghwa only sees the past circling down the drain like the contents of his stomach after a bad hit of drugs.
His life may be different now, but he's still that same man who would rather punish himself before anyone else got to him first.
"I can't promise you anything," he finally says, feeling the words go sour in his mouth.
He wishes they were different, wishes he could convince his mind that there was more than one way to live.
But for now, this would have to do.
Hongjoong stares at their intertwined hands before looking up with warmth in his eyes.
"Then I'll take what I can get."
The conversation stalls out then, and before long they are back in the park, passing by the same playground that had sparked Seonghwa's confession about his childhood the last time they were here.
The nurse pauses on the sidewalk and leans down to whisper in Seonghwa's ear.
"Let's play here, hyung."
"This again? Remember when you suggested the race and I yelled at you because I can't walk?"
Hongjoong laughs.
"Remember when I convinced you anyway?" He's leaning over the chair to place his face right next to Seonghwa's, grinning like an idiot.
It's a testament to how trusting Seonghwa has become, because he doesn't immediately say no to the ridiculous idea.
"Fuck you, little demon spawn," he murmurs instead.
And despite Seonghwa's reluctance, Hongjoong convinces him anyway, and the night finds Seonghwa being pushed down the long metal slide more times than he can count.
He's honestly surprised that he can fit, but since his legs are atrophied, it works quite nicely.
Hongjoong is laughing like a thrilled child each time he sets Seonghwa up on the slide only to push him down.
Each time that his patient lands with a soft thud on the grass, Hongjoong runs to the bottom to pick him up, still showcasing that stunning grin.
As the nurse carries him to the top once more, cradling him in his arms, Seonghwa looks up to find Hongjoong's face illuminated by the moonlight, all shadows and sharp contrast and it reminds him of the shadows on the walls of his bedroom late at night when he's all alone and steeping in self-loathing.
He's come to hate those shadows, those ever-present angles, but Hongjoong's face—
Hongjoong's face, he could see for the rest of his life and never resent it.