1 Week Later
"Ms. Williams, could you please pay attention in class for once?" Mrs. Sandra calls me out and I immediately feel embarrassed.
"I'm sorry", I say for the hundredth time in the past two weeks.
I look around to see my friends giving me concerned looks but I instantly avert my gaze. I look at Ryan who winks at me and smirks.
Yes, he's in this class and yes, he knows that I'm not "Penelope".
What a surprise...Hint the sarcasm.
He's been incredibly flirty with me and I'm trying my real best to not get too worked up over it. He's so infuriating!
He's such a...
Such a...
Chameleon!
Mrs. Sandra sighs theatrically, "A single essay which surprisingly earned you an A shouldn't make you over-confident Miss. Williams. You need to pay a lot more attention in class—"
"She already apologised...Can't we just continue?" Anne says and gives Mrs. Sandra a challenging look.
Mrs. Sandra raises her eyebrows at Anne but the latter remains unfazed.
I look at the back of Anne's head and a small tinge of anger wells up in me.
I could've handled it with an apology, she didn't have to create a scene.
But I immediately shoot that feeling down. She's just trying to help.
Ever since I looked up Matt's ex-girlfriend, whose name I learned is Paige, on Instagram, I've pushed myself to keep Matt and I's conversations to a minimum.
This has invariably led to me being distant from my other friends.
Don't get me wrong, we still talk, we still gossip, and so on, but it's not like before.
I've lessened my participation in their conversations.
And they've noticed it.
I don't want them to worry about me, I definitely don't need that. But it's so hard to even pretend that I'm okay when every time I look at him, all I see is the girl he probably still loves. The beautiful, sexy, hot Paige.
How can I even compare?
I don't care. I am OK.
I keep telling myself this. This is just a petty crush that'll anyways end at some point. I'll just have to endure the pain for a little longer.
After that things will go back to normal.
"Sasha....Sasha, honey..Wake up!" Sam says and I groggily get up from the cool lunch table.
"Oh sorry, I'm just a little tired," I say as I look at the concerned faces of my friends. I force a smile.
I rub my eyes a little look at the food before me and immediately lose my appetite.
This is the food I've been eating for 5 years...Why is it so unappealing now?
"Are you okay?" Matt whispers as he leans close to me. My cheeks heat up when the smell of whatever lovely cologne he uses hits my nostrils.
"I'm fine," I say and nod a little, without making eye contact with him.
I can sense that his eyes are still looking at me but I don't look up, because I know if I do I'll lose all resolve.
And that's how every lunch break went. They talk about new TV shows, sharing the latest juicy news about different people in class, and pausing in between to eat their food. And all I do is smile, play with the food so it appears like I'm eating, and feel slightly happy when Matt looks at me, every five minutes, like clockwork.
I scroll through the photos on my phone and look back at all the memories of the time when it was just Anne, Sam, and I.
There are so many photos and videos of us in different locations— in the school premises, in the beach, in my room, at Anne's old house, at Sam's house...Everywhere...
There was one video that caught my eye.
**Flashback through a video**
*Dated: 3 years ago*
"Sasha you've got to buy that pop-socket for your phone. You're probably the only freshmen in school who doesn't have it!", Sam shouts from behind the camera.
"You know her...She doesn't like to do anything that normal people do. She doesn't have Instagram, she doesn't even try dating, she hates wearing make-up, she refuses to wear skimpy clothes when she's got a body to die for...Should I continue?" Anne says as she rummages through the new makeup kit her aunt gifted her a couple of days back.
"Anne, you know, I've got the upper hand here...I can always leave—" I say in a sing-song voice and begin getting up from the chair.
The camera shakes a little, Sam is laughing.
"No no, sorry babe...Forgive me?" Anne says and pulls me back into the chair.
I pretend to think for a little and finally sigh and sit more comfortably in the chair.
"The things I do for you girls" I mutter and Anne just rolls her eyes.
"Anne, I know it's your first time and all but you could try to make me look okay? At least not worse than I already look?" I joke and Anne sarcastically laughs.
"I've been watching the makeup tutorials for days...We should be fine"
I nod and Sam runs towards us and points the camera towards me. I finally saw my face and boy was I shocked.
I had braces on at the time, I was extremely skinny, I noticed a cluster of minuscule acne sprinkled around my T-zone, my face was sunken in, there were dark circles below my eyes and my hair was much shorter.
I could now understand why Ryan couldn't recognize me immediately...Things have changed.
I had removed my braces now, my body has earned some fat making me look a lot chubbier, my acne had reduced tremendously, my face was a little more fuller now, and the dark circles are present but weren't that obvious.
"Is this necessary?" I ask as Anne vigorously brushes my face with compact powder.
"This is our first party, Sasha, we got to look lit!" Anne says and grins.
"I don't want to look "lit". I don't even want to come to the party...I'll just be the third wheel"
"Can you please? You're ruining the mood" Anne fake chides and I just scoff.
Anne and I continue to argue for a while but Sam interrupts us in the middle.
"You know this doesn't feel like a makeup video anymore...You guys are just talking crap"
"We'll just edit it out...Put some music in the background" I say and the others nod seriously.
I, who was watching this video, burst out laughing listening to me talk so seriously. I remember when I was big on editing. I wanted to become an editor for Hollywood.
That's how serious I was.
I learned it myself but most videos I did were crap, some videos were left unfinished, but the other few were good and I was taken by surprise when I rewatched them.
I don't even know how to insert a video into FinalCut anymore...
But it was a fun project that lasted for a good seven months.
This make-up video that Anne begged Sam to film and me to edit was one of my most prized memories because this was us, as three 14-year-olds, just doing things that everyone else did—like going to parties, buying pop-sockets and stuff...
We didn't need to think for ourselves. The trend made the decisions for us.
I like to think that things have changed. We had enough of the "teenage" experience. At least we now know what happens in parties.
"All done" Anne shouts and spins me around in the revolving chair.
Sam comes close to me and Anne walks through all the "changes" she'd done with my face.
I look at the video and continue to laugh as I look at the wonky cat eye look that Anne pulled off, she attempted to do a "gradient" look with my eyelids with different eye shadow shades but let's just say that if Anne saw this video now she would die of embarrassment if she saw what she did.
But I can't complain much...Her makeup on me then is much better than what I have or will ever pull off.
"You like?" Anne asks nervously.
I look at her, give her a huge smile, and say, "I love".
Anne does a happy dance and fist pumps the air.
"Sasha...You are looking super hot" Sam says from behind the camera.
I give her a wry smile and mouth a small "Thank you".
**End of flashback**
My heart broke when I saw my past-self feeling insecure. I only agreed to be at the party because I wanted exposure and I only allowed Anne to try her makeup skills on me because it made her happy.
It wasn't a sight to see. Recent events have proved I'm still not.
Things don't change much. I'm still the ever-curious Sasha who just does things to learn or to please people. I'm still the ever-insecure Sasha who just gave up trying to improve my looks.
I can't control the uncontrollable.
I put my phone down, sigh in resignation and my eyes moved in circles, matching the motion of the overhead fan.
As I reflect on today's events at school I can't help but feel like I'm being too dramatic. Why am I feeling so upset that Matt had a girlfriend? Why am I brooding over this longer than necessary? Why did it feel like a punch in the gut when he looked so sad when Paige, that bitch, hung up on him?
I like him. He doesn't like me back.
Simple.
I've had multiple one-sided crushes in the past but this one hits me harder than ever before. I think it's because I thought , being the idiot I am, that he might like me back. The lingering glances, the smiles, the small gestures, everything made me completely misread the situation.
We're only friends. Nothing less nothing more.
And I'm going to stay within my limit and not imagine things.
Let me just start by saying...
SORRY!
This chapter is short and probably a little ramble—y?
I just wanted to make one chapter that showcased the insecurities that Sasha possessed...
But don't worry, if this chapter was depressing for you then good news! The next few will be more and more fun!
Question for the day! What's the most sophisticated word you've come across in the dictionary? —(Random question IK...But that's the point!)
Anyways...
What did you think of this chapter?
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As always ,
Love you all!!❤️❤️