I think it's safe to say we need a small break from all the Jazzikeen sadness. I wanted to add an out-of-context quotes chapter! If any of you have any quotes, share and I'll make another chapter later on with all those quotes!
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Mazikeen: Blackmail is such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The X makes it sound cool.
➽──────────❥
Mazikeen: What do you do when someone offers you drugs?
Epps: Take them!
Will: Punch them in the neck!
Eddie: Say thank you!
Fig: Offer them more drugs to assert dominance!
Mazikeen: ...
Mazikeen: No.
➽──────────❥
Epps, singing: I don't want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need—
Mazikeen: A family.
Eddie: A better love life.
Fig: Mental stability.
Will: *clueless* Bagels?
➽──────────❥
Fig: I've done a lot of dumb stuff.
Mazikeen: I witnessed the dumb stuff.
Epps: I recorded the dumb stuff.
Eddie: I joined you in the dumb stuff.
Will: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF!
➽──────────❥
Mazikeen: There are three chairs and five kids. What do you do?
Optimus Prime: Get two more chairs.
Jazz: Cut each chair in half to make six.
Bumblebee: Make them FIGHT for their seats!
Ratchet: I would never be near children.
Ironhide: Get rid of two kids.
➽──────────❥
Jazz: Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the things you lost throughout your life.
Optimus Prime: It would be nice to have my sense of purpose back...
Mazikeen: Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this.
Ironhide: My will to live! I haven't seen this in years.
Ratchet: I knew I lost that potential somewhere.
Bumblebee: Mental stability, my old friend!
Jazz: Jesus, could you guys lighten up a little?
➽──────────❥
Mudflap: I am your king, long may I reign!
Ratchet: Well I didn't vote for you!
Mudflap: You don't vote for kings.
Ratchet: Well how'd you become king then?
Mudflap: Dino of the Lake, their arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Mudflap, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king.
Ratchet: Listen. Strange people lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
➽──────────❥
Prowl: GET BACK HERE YOU DUMB FUCK!
Barricade: LET ME RUN FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS!
➽──────────❥
Skids: Mudflap won't wake up, what do I do?
Ratchet: Did you try kicking them?
Skids: Yes.
Ratchet: I'm out of ideas.
➽──────────❥
Elita-One: Chromia and I were crossing the street, and this man drove by and honked at us.
Bumblebee: What did you do?
Elita-One: She chased him to the next red light, and reached into his window, and-
Chromia: *walking in* Who wants a steering wheel?
➽──────────❥
Chromia: BWWAAAAAAAAAA! Oh, you hear that? That's the wrong opinion alarm.
Smokescreen: That is not something you actually have installed.
Chromia: Sorry, say again? I couldn't hear you over my alarm that YOU SET OFF with your WRONG-ASS OPINION.
➽──────────❥
Sunstreaker: HYDRATE OR DIE-DRATE!
Sunstreaker: *aggressively throws water bottles*
Optimus: Uh... what's up with them?
Sideswipe: They're trying to yell mental health and wellbeing into us.
Sunstreaker: I APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU!
Mazikeen, crying: It's working.
➽──────────❥
Jolt: What are you guys playing?
Mazikeen: Go Fish.
Jazz: That's a nice, safe game.
Jazz: But don't you need cards?
Mazikeen: Where do you keep the spear gun?
➽──────────❥
Mazikeen: Oh, they left the bowl out?
Mazikeen: It says, "Take two pieces of candy."
Barricade: Nobody around though...
*Barricade grabs the entire bowl and runs off with it*
Mazikeen: NO—
➽──────────❥
Barricade: Synonyms are weird because if you invite someone to your cottage in the forest, that just sounds nice and cozy. But if I invite you to my cabin in the woods you're going to die.
Jazz: My favorite is explaining the difference between a butt dial and a booty call.
Sideswipe: It's called connotations.
Sunstreaker: Try this one on for size, "Forgive me, Father, I have sinned" vs "Sorry, Daddy, I've been naughty."
Mazikeen: Great news! Language is now banned!
➽──────────❥
Barricade, singing to the tune of I Kissed a Girl: I killed a guy, and I liked it-
Samantha, whispering: Should we call the exorcist?
Mazikeen, also singing: The taste of his cherry chapstick.
Frenzy, appalled: Call the exorcist.
➽──────────❥
Jazz: Where's Tex, Aura, and Lil M?
Bluestreak: They're playing hide and seek.
Jazz: Where?
Bluestreak: I don't think you get how this game works.
➽──────────❥
Police: You're under arrest for trying to carry three people on a single motorcycle.
Kaitlyn, with Mazikeen and Elisabeth behind them: Wait, what do you mean THREE?!
Police: Yes...three.
Kaitlyn: Oh, my God— What the fuck!?
Police: Wha-
Kaitlyn: Aura FUCKING FELL OFF!
➽──────────❥
Elisabeth: So, what, now I'm just supposed to do anything Mazikeen does? I mean, what if they jumped off a cliff?
Kaitlyn: If Mazikeen were to jump off a cliff, they would've done their due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry, so yes. If you see Mazikeen jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff.
Aura: You jump off a cliff!
Kaitlyn: Provided Mazikeen did first.
➽──────────❥
Bumblebee: I can't do this, it's against my moral compass.
Samantha: YOUR MORAL COMPASS IS A ROULETTE WHEEL!
Bumblebee: ...Your point?
➽──────────❥
Ironhide: Why don't humans have a specific noise that means "there are bees here, let's leave immediately." Why are elephants more advanced than us.
Elisabeth: We do have a specific noise for it. It sounds like this:
Elisabeth: "There are bees here, let's leave immediately."
➽──────────❥
Will: Sometimes I drink milk straight from the container.
Barricade: The cow??
Will: What?
Bluestreak: Barricade, W H Y?
➽──────────❥
Prowl: I don't want to talk about it.
Barricade: Good, I don't wanna hear about it.
➽──────────❥
Samantha: If you really want to get back at a man, scare him with a pregnancy test. I've got a whole box of old positives at my house.
Ironhide: You're a Human treasure.
➽──────────❥
Dino: Well please don't let Smokescreen do anything stupid...
Bumblebee: Stupid by my standards or yours?
Dino:
Dino: Stupid by my Optimus's standards.
Bumblebee: Smart. Smokescreen will live longer.
➽──────────❥
Barricade: *Plays Slender: The Eight Pages*
*Jumpscare*
Barricade: *Jumps back* OH SHIT, IT'S A WHITE GUY!!!
➽──────────❥
Smokescreen: Did you have to stab them?
Dino: You weren't there. You didn't hear what they said to me.
Smokescreen: What did they say?
Dino: "What are you going to do, stab me?"
Smokescreen: That's fair.
➽──────────❥
Shapeshifter: *transforms to look like Sam*
Sam: Okay, are you like BLIND? You look nothing like me. First off, I'm way taller. Secondly, I DO NOT look so sleep deprived and lastly, if you could drag comb through that hair you're like a 7 on a good day and I've been told I'm a constant 10.
➽──────────❥
Barricade: You saved me! Why?
Jazz: People would think I murdered you if I didn't.
➽──────────❥
Mazikeen: *Takes a sip of milk and gags*
Mazikeen: Oh my god, is this expired?
Mazikeen: *Takes another sip of milk*
➽──────────❥
Chromia: How do ethical philosophers feel about murder?
Jazz: Well, it's frowned upon.
Chromia: Okay, but what if the reason you want to murder someone is to make your life easier?
Chromia: That's okay, right?
➽──────────❥
Sideswipe: WHO ATE MY BREAD?!
Sideswipe: I'M GOING TO FUCKING K-
Rosalyn: I did?
Sideswipe: Kiss you and buy some more, you haven't been eating anything today Sunstreaker.
Sideswipe: *walks away*
Rosalyn:
Rosalyn: They're gone Sunstreaker.
Sunstreaker, coming out the closet with bread stuffed in their mouth: Twankh uh!
➽──────────❥
Elisabeth: Do you want to play 20 Questions?
Dino: Sure!
Dino: What's your favorite color?
Elisabeth, laser fucking focused: Triangle. Do you like humans?
➽──────────❥
Mikaela: For someone who's 70% water, you don't look very refreshing.
Bumblebee: BUUUUUURN!
Jazz: Water cannot be burned.
Bumblebee: EVAPORATEEEEE!
➽──────────❥
Samantha: I'm here for the cult stuff.
Elisabeth: How did you find us?
Samantha: I saw your ad on craigslist.
➽──────────❥
Jazz: *lying down and crying*
Barricade: There, there. Why don't you take some time off to not be around me while you're like this?
➽──────────❥
Smokescreen: Gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss.
Ratchet: What does this even mean?
Dino: It's a biblical reference.
➽──────────❥
Aura: Do you take constructive criticism?
Mazikeen: I only take cash or credit.
➽──────────❥
Bumblebee: How long do you think it'll take?
Smokescreen: I don't know, three or four.
Bumblebee: Three or four what? Days? Weeks? Months?
Smokescreen: Yeah, maybe five.
Bumblebee: Five what?!
➽──────────❥
Mazikeen: What was that?
Sideswipe: My shirt fell.
Mazikeen: It sounded a lot heavier than that.
Sideswipe: He was in it.
➽──────────❥
Will: Start talking!
Mazikeen: Well, I-
Will: Shut up!
➽──────────❥
Jolt: How the hell are you still alive?
Mazikeen: Honestly, I'm just as confused as you are.
➽──────────❥
*The Squad is playing Chess*
Jolt: *easily beats everyone because they know how to play*
Kaitlyn: *doesn't know the rules, but wins anyway*
Bluestreak: *doesn't know the rules, and loses*
Elisabeth: *knows the rules, but still loses to those who don't*
Sam: Actually, you can't do that, because I said so.
Sunstreaker: They named a board game after cheese?
➽──────────❥
*The Squad when asked about their earlier confession of love*
Mazikeen: Yeah, you're lucky. I like you.
Jolt: I'd understand if you didn't feel the same way...
Rosalyn: *has a panic attack* What confession?
Alexandra: *winks* I know, babe. You like me too.
Chromia: So what? Are you going to date me or not?
Prowl: It was a dare.
➽──────────❥
Ratchet: What did you get Samantha for their birthday?
Barricade: I got them a kitten.
Ratchet: Really? Me too!
Mazikeen: I also got them a cat.
Aura: Looks like we had the same idea.
Barricade: Ironhide, please tell me you didn't get Samantha a cat as well!
Ironhide: ...I got them a kitten.
*later*
Samantha, in their apartment surrounded by cats and kittens: This is the best birthday ever!
➽──────────❥
Mazikeen: *dies*
Mikaela: Timer starts now! When are they coming back? I say two months!
Fig: Bullshit. One month.
Sideswipe: Nah, half a month.
Aura, sobbing: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? MAZIKEEN JUST DIED!
Tex, scratching chin in thought: One week.
➽──────────❥
Mazikeen: What did you two do?
Sunstreaker:
Sideswipe:
Mazikeen: You're not in trouble, I just need to know if I have to lie to the police again or not.
➽──────────❥
Mazikeen: *closes a cabinet*
*a crash is heard behind the cabinet door*
Fig: What was that?
Mazikeen: The sound of someone else's problem.
➽──────────❥
Mazikeen: You bought a taco?
Jazz: Yes.
Mazikeen: From the same truck that hit Barricade?!
Jazz, with a mouthful of taco: Well, me starving ain't gonna help them.
➽──────────❥
*At the police station*
Mazikeen: Hi, I'm here for Miko.
Police officer: Who's Miko?
Jack: Ah, you must be new.
➽──────────❥
Miko: You know guys, sometimes I feel like Jack doesn't take me seriously enough.
Raf: "Sometimes"?
Mazikeen: "Enough"?
Miko:
Mazikeen: Change that to 'at all' and we'll talk.
➽──────────❥
Mazikeen: Here comes the lightning!
Mazikeen, whispering: You've got to imagine it coming out my fingertips, wherein I am an almighty wizard.
Raf: Ok, currently imagining that. Hmm, not bad. Not bad at all.
➽──────────❥
Mazikeen: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast?
Epps: Several traffic violations.
Fig: Three counts of resisting arrest.
Eddie: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks.
Will: Also, that's not our car.
➽──────────❥
Mazikeen: Looking left cause you don't treat me right
Epps: Looking right because you left
Fig: Looking up cause you let me down
Eddie: Looking down cause you fucked up
Will: What is wrong with you guys
➽──────────❥
Sam: What do rainbows mean to you?
Mikaela: Gay rights.
Mazikeen: There's money.
Rover: The sign of God's promise to never destroy the whole Earth with a flood.
Tex: It is an optical phenomenon that separates sunlight into its continuous spectrum when the sun shines on raindrops.
➽──────────❥
Rover: What did you guys get in your yearbook?
Mazikeen: 'Prettiest Smile'
Sam: 'Nicest Personality'
Tex: 'Most likely to start a bar fight'
Mikaela: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one'
➽──────────❥
Jazz: You know, I'm starting to regret showing you how that blender works.
Tex, drinking toast: Why do you say that?
➽──────────❥
Sunstreaker: Hey Sideswipe, I've got an idea for how to solve this.
Sideswipe, pulling out a shotgun: Yeah?
Sunstreaker: Wh- No! That's not the idea, Sideswipe!
➽──────────❥
Optimus: I made you a bracelet!
Alexandra: Thanks, but you know I'm not the jewelry type.
Optimus: Well, you don't have to wear it-
Alexandra: No I'm wearing it forever. Back off.
➽──────────❥
Alexandra: You look terrible. Did you sleep at all last night?
Optimus: I got a solid eight minutes.
Optimus: Don't worry, not all at once.
Alexandra: *Worried noises*
Optimus: You're not even that blurry.
Optimus: *Squints*
Optimus: Rosalyn.
Alexandra: ...
➽──────────❥
*Alexandra and Rosalyn's house is on fire, but they don't know it*
Alexandra: Damn, it's hot in here.
Rosalyn: I know, it's so hot there's smoke coming out of the vent!
Alexandra:
Alexandra: First of all, I'm assuming you have no idea what the problem with that statement is.
Rosalyn: What?
Alexandra: Second of all, we need to get the fuck out of here, NOW.
➽──────────❥
Sideswipe: Where are my fucking keys?
Rosalyn: Sideswipe, Tex is around, can you say it a little nicer?
Sideswipe: May I ascertain the whereabouts of my FUCKING KEYS?!
➽──────────❥
Mazikeen: Well, has Sideswipe been wrong before?
Sunstreaker: How wide are we willing to open this up?
➽──────────❥
Sunstreaker: If you took a shot for every time you made a bad decision, how drunk would you be?
Sideswipe: Maybe a bit tipsy?
Rosalyn: Drunk.
Alexandra: Wasted.
Mazikeen: Dead.
➽──────────❥
Optimus: Those two get along well. I would put them on a boat.
Mazikeen: Are you trying to say you ship them?
Optimus: Yeah.
Mazikeen:
Optimus: Where will they be shipped, I have no idea.
➽──────────❥
Rosalyn: I currently have 7 empty notebooks and I have no clue what to put in them. Suggestions?
Sunstreaker: Put spaghetti in it.
Rosalyn: I'm currently taking suggestions from literally anyone but you.
Aura: Put spaghetti in it.
Rosalyn: I'm currently taking suggestions from anyone but you two.
Sideswipe: Put spaghetti in it.
Rosalyn: I'm no longer taking suggestions.
➽──────────❥
Mazikeen: SIDESWIPE!
*Somewhere else*
Rosalyn, terrified: What was that?!
Sunstreaker: That was the call of someone who is very pissed and on a mission to mess someone up.
➽──────────❥
Bluestreak: Do you want some tea?
Aura: What are the options?
Bluestreak: Yes or no.
➽──────────❥
Jazz: Why didn't you tell me?
Mazikeen: Because of your tendency to overreact.
Jazz: I DO NOT OVERREACT!
Mazikeen: And there goes the chair.