Hongjoong stares at his phone screen in disbelief.
How could he have possibly missed this?
What had been so important to him that he would've glanced over this notification and not even thought twice about it?
Three days ago:
Seongie's Birthday ❤️
He had never forgotten her birthday, not once since he met her, and yet it had completely slipped his mind just three days ago.
Of course, it's not like she was around to celebrate with, but Hongjoong had always taken the time on that day to talk to her, to fill her in on all the little things going on in his life as he lay in bed, hoping she could hear him wherever she was.
It was the only time he ventured to do so, because every other day, it was just a struggle to get up in the morning and not let his thoughts be consumed by the fact that she was no longer here.
No, on her birthday, he let himself be real, let himself face the fact that she would never come back.
Ever.
At this moment, he sinks down on his bed with Joy at his feet, who is staring up at Hongjoong curiously.
Hongjoong had come to get the dog for her daily walk while Seonghwa was in therapy, but now he sits unblinking, staring down at his phone and trying his hardest not to cry.
He feels so guilty.
What was he doing three days ago?
He closes his eyes and thinks, nearly losing himself when he remembers his date with Seonghwa, the intimacy they shared later that night, curled up on his patient's bed.
He remembers admitting to himself that he was attracted to his patient, that he may want something more with him and then he remembers Seonghwa's meltdown and Wooyoung's phone call.
Since then, things have leveled out, and though Seonghwa had been irate with him that night, they are now back to square one, though on more amiable terms.
It feels much like an actual working relationship.
Seonghwa is nice and accepts help, and Hongjoong is polite and offers it.
They don't talk about the date, the massage, the way the nurse's lips had Seonghwa writhing in ecstasy.
They don't talk about the anger built up inside each of them, the resentment of their pasts, or Hongjoong's new sexual curiosity.
But mostly, they don't talk about the near kiss, about the way Seonghwa's eyes had fluttered shut in expectation.
About how Hongjoong had wanted nothing more than to connect their lips together and feel something again.
They simply ignore it.
As much as it bothers him, right now it's for the best.
Seonghwa has been busy with Wooyoung, helping the younger man make arrangements for his mother.
Hongjoong can tell by the phone calls and the muttered statements that Seonghwa was indeed close with Wooyoung's mother, or had been during childhood.
He doesn't know much about his patient's relationship with his own mother, but if it's anything like the one with his father, then it's strained at best.
Perhaps Hongjoong has misstepped.
Perhaps Seonghwa had been moved by his consideration that night and was merely acting in the moment.
Perhaps he doesn't feel the same way about Hongjoong that the nurse is beginning to realize he feels about his patient.
It's for the best, he tells himself.
Because his infatuation had caused him to forget the one person in his life that he had given everything to— Seongie.
With this heavy in his heart, Hongjoong leashes Joy up and makes his way down to the first floor.
He's surprised to find the therapy room vacant and his patient sitting by the large windows overlooking Seoul with a cigarette in his hand.
Wrinkling his nose, the nurse hangs back by the staircase, watching Seonghwa curiously.
He's taking a phone call, his raspy voice curling up into the air much like the smoke from the stick dangling in his fingers.
Hongjoong really wishes he wouldn't smoke; he seems to be doing it more everyday, citing stress as the main reason and even Jongho's incessant nagging at him to stop doesn't seem to be helping.
"Wooyoung, it will be ok," Seonghwa breathes out, rubbing his temple with his forearm.
"I'm sorry it happened like that. I really am. But soon it will be over and you'll be back here with me." He pauses then to listen to a reply before laughing.
"I miss you so much too. Can't wait for you to be home."
Letting out a breath, Hongjoong tugs at Joy and leaves the apartment.
He's heard enough of that.
He tells himself that the reason Seonghwa's words have irritated him so much is because the elder makes him sound replaceable, like his work as a nurse means nothing and he's just some b-grade stand in for Wooyoung, who Seonghwa truly cares about.
A sour feeling roils in Hongjoong's gut as he stands outside and lets Joy frolic through the gardens.
He really liked Wooyoung when they first met, had found the man kind and soft-hearted— which he is— but a part of him is now... jealous.
Now that he realizes that he likes his patient as more than a possible friend, hearing that Wooyoung was Seonghwa's first love doesn't sit well with him.
Obviously, nothing would come of the infatuation— Seonghwa had stated as much himself— but it still doesn't quell the rapidly-rising insecurity within the nurse.
Which is ridiculous, because isn't Hongjoong the one hung up on his first love?
Did he not take this job in the first place because Seonghwa looked so similar to Seongie?
Isn't he nothing but a hypocrite?
Nothing will happen between them, he leaves in less than two months, and Wooyoung may be coming back early anyway, so—
"Hey!"
Hongjoong turns around to find Yeosang strolling across the parking lot over to where Joy is attempting to eat a flower.
The other bends down and pets the dog, even accepting a few kisses in greeting.
"You ok?" Yeosang questions in his pristine chef's apparel, obviously intending on going into work later at the restaurant after he prepares Seonghwa's meals.
With a sigh, the nurse nods, whistling for Joy to come back to him.
"We were just finishing up our walk," he explains, falling in line with the chef as they walk towards the entrance of the apartments.
"Ah, I see. It's such a lovely day, which means Seonghwa-ssi is probably not in a good mood," Yeosang teases.
Hongjoong quirks a brow at this.
"He's stressed, but because of Wooyoung's mother passing away. But other than that, I don't think I've really noticed a difference in his mood on days like this."
"Oh really? That strange. He's always so temperamental on sunny days, especially this close to spring. It's really noticeable, so I thought you would've caught on. Hmm...."
Hongjoong tries not to gape at the chef as they take the elevator up, but he's now morbidly curious.
"Why would he be upset on nice days? Does he want to go out more but feels like he can't?"
"That's what I used to think too, but Wooyoung told me the real reason once." Yeosang glances over at the nurse with narrowed eyes.
"I'm not sure if I should tell you."
Opening his mouth to reply, Hongjoong quickly finds himself interrupted when Yeosang breaks out in a laugh.
"I'm just teasing you, though Seonghwa probably would deny any of this. But, Wooyoung once told me that Seonghwa gets depressed on nice weather days because his mother used to come visit him and take him to the park on days like this."
"Really? Before or after the accident?"
Yeosang's face falls and he casts his glance towards the ground.
"Before. For Seonghwa, everything was always before."
When the elevator dings and Yeosang lets himself into the penthouse, Hongjoong thinks that he's never heard a more relatable statement.
"Before.... Everything was always before."
He feels this way too, as if his life has been halted abruptly and he's just been floating in limbo, waiting for it to begin again.
Every good and happy memory he has is of "Before".
Every feeling of momentum, of moving forward with his life, of control, it was all Before.
Hence why he feels so bad about forgetting Seongie's birthday.
It only serves as a reminder that he still feels incredible guilt about moving on, even if he's finally finding some sense of happiness in the present.
Could he really move on as Seonghwa had suggested?
Even if it's not with Seonghwa himself, could Hongjoong find someone else to love and would he ever truly accept that Seongie's passing was meant to be?
Now, his patient is no longer seated at the window, but he can smell the lingering traces of nicotine, the air still smoky.
He finds Seonghwa upstairs in the bedroom waiting for him.
"Where were you?" the elder questions, cocking his head.
"Oh, I was taking extra time walking Joy. I saw you on the phone and I wanted to give you some space, so...."
Seonghwa nods.
"Oh, that makes sense then. I just—"
"Why?" Hongjoong interrupts. "I mean, why do you ask?"
"I was just curious." Seonghwa shifts in his chair, looking around the room as if it was unfamiliar.
This conversation is mundane, but it's also extremely awkward, and Hongjoong hates that things have regressed to this once more.
"You were curious?"
"Yeosang just seemed so happy when he came up, I didn't know if you two had gone out together or not."
The nurse furrows his brows as Joy ventures to go sniff Seonghwa's chair.
"Uh no, we just walked up together," he clarifies. "But, just asking, is it ok if we did go out to do something? You know, when you're not needing me?"
"Do you have plans or something?" Seonghwa is unusually tense, not even bothering to pick Joy up and cuddle her.
He usually loves cuddling the dog, even if he'll never admit it.
Confused, Hongjoong stands his ground.
He's not sure what Seonghwa seems so agitated about, but it's making their truce harder to maintain.
"No, it's more of a hypothetical question."
"Hypothetical? Well, you can do whatever you want to do, I guess." Seonghwa shrugs then wheels himself into the bathroom to get ready for his shower and the nurse follows numbly.
"Whatever I want to do," Hongjoong repeats, standing in the doorway.
Seonghwa doesn't even spare him a look when he replies.
"Yeah, whatever you want to do, Hongjoong."
The nurse frowns.
"Ok."
__
It's late and Seonghwa can't sleep, his mind restless with the events of the last few days.
He closes his eyes and lets himself remember, just this once, the way Hongjoong had made him feel, has made him feel ever since his planned date went to shit just days earlier.
The stroll through the park was nice, full of shy laughter and genuine smiles.
Oddly, he had felt comfortable with the nurse in a way that he hasn't in quite sometime, which of course, had lead to the pleasure unleashed across his skin later that night.
He didn't tell Hongjoong at the time, but he had felt him, deep within his groin.
For the first time in four years, Seonghwa could feel his erection, however faint, growing in his pants as the nurse massaged him and then delighted his skin with his mouth.
It was possibly the most erotic thing that had ever happened to him, even considering his debauched past.
Naturally, such happiness had to come to an end.
Seonghwa isn't sure what had set him off more, the thought that he was merely a curious experiment for the nurse, or the realization that if they were to be intimate, that Seonghwa couldn't provide Hongjoong with what he needed.
After all, all he was capable of doing was lying there and taking it.
He was fine with the concept before, when he intended on going on a date with a stranger, but the thought of being seen as less than desirable by the nurse was..... well, for lack of a better word, crippling.
The fear and shame had washed over him instantly and he did what he always did to protect himself— push others away.
But Hongjoong was persistent and they found themselves on a precipice of falling off that great cliff, the one no one ever survived.
It was harrowing and Seonghwa knew it was an act of fate when Wooyoung called to interrupt the near kiss.
His mother had been right.
Mistakes were made after midnight, and mistakes always yielded pain.
That's what he supposes he's feeling now, the pain of the loss of something he never really had in the first place.
He just needs time, he tells himself.
To get over this infatuation, especially now that Wooyoung will come back sooner than expected.
No use pursuing something that is the result of loneliness and desperation on both of their parts.
A steady thrum catches Seonghwa's attention and he leans over to pick up his phone vibrating on the nightstand.
"Hey," he breathes into the receiver, relieved to be hearing from Wooyoung again.
"Hyung, I'm.... lonely."
Seonghwa sucks in a breath at the words.
Could this mean what he thinks it does?
Were these not the words Seonghwa himself uses when he wants a particular type of attention from his best friend?
But why would Wooyoung be asking this of him?
"Oh.... is everything ok?"
He mentally curses at himself for the stupid question.
Of course it's not ok.
Wooyoung is mourning the loss of his mother.
"I didn't get to tell you earlier, but she.... told me something before she passed. I was alone in the room with her and she just told me."
Curious, Seonghwa decides to tread carefully.
"What was it? You don't have to tell me if you—"
"She had an affair when I was two," Wooyoung blurts out.
"Remember when I told you that she left for a year to study in America when I was little? Turns out she had found out that she was pregnant and decided to leave. My father doesn't know."
All the air escapes Seonghwa's lungs in a whoosh of air.
He's shocked.
"What? So she has another child? Your.... half-sibling?"
Wooyoung sighs.
"That's what she made it sound like but she wouldn't tell me much more than that. She just started crying and the heart monitors went crazy. I think maybe she lost the baby and it was too painful to talk about or something."
"Shit, Wooyoung, I'm sorry."
"It's just amazing to me, you know? How people can just have these secrets their whole lives. I'm just.... upset," Wooyoung admits.
"It sounds so selfish, but she ruined the way I thought of her right before I lost her and now I'm just left with this information and I don't know what to do."
Seonghwa rubs his temples.
"Are you going to tell your dad?"
"No. He doesn't deserve to feel like this. Right now, he's focusing on the good memories to get him through and I don't want to ruin that, you know?"
"I understand," Seonghwa relays, sighing. "Wooyoung, I'm really sorry this all happened. I wish I was there with you."
It's an innocent statement, it really is, but as soon as Wooyoung opens his mouth to reply, the words become heavy and ripe with intention.
"I wish you were here too."
Seonghwa swallows hard at the honeyed tone filtering through the phone.
Surely Wooyoung doesn't intend on sounding so enticing— He's just lonely and sad...
"Hyung, what do you think about when we talk?" his best friend asks quietly.
"When we talk?"
"Yes, when we talk like this." Wooyoung's voice drops low, becoming breathy and needy, and Seonghwa understands why his friend chose the profession he did.
Just his voice alone is erotic and sinful.
To hear such a thing talking you through the stages of pleasure is a religious experience within itself.
Squirming uncomfortably in his bed, Seonghwa considers whether or not he should be truthful.
"I— I guess I think about when we were in high school, when I used to want you all the time but I couldn't have you."
Wooyoung laughs, the sound sweet and tinkling.
"Mmm, yeah, I remember those days. You weren't exactly subtle, always suggesting we wrestle when we got into arguments, always asking about my sexual experiences. My, how things have changed."
"Then we grew up and then it was you who had to listen to my stories," Seonghwa teases.
"Yeah...." Wooyoung trails off then, leaving behind the steady staccato of his breathing. "Do you still think of me that way, hyung?"
Seonghwa knows he shouldn't answer honestly; they had long since buried this topic underneath layers of faux sentiments and assurances of "it was just a crush, of course I don't still love you," but right now, sitting in the dark with his legs limp beneath the sheets, Seonghwa finds himself emboldened.
"Yes," he admits, squeezing his eyes shut against the embarrassment, as if the simple action could help him.
Wooyoung doesn't reply immediately.
He simply breathes into the phone, then, "Oh.... I mean, I thought so, but I hoped not—"
"It's really not a big deal," Seonghwa interjects, letting out a breath.
"Isn't it though?" Wooyoung argues. "And here I am, letting you call me late at night and talking to you like this— I'm the worst kind of tease, aren't I?"
"But you're not teasing me, Wooyoung. I know you don't want me like that. And even if you did, I just— I always wondered why I chose you to fixate on. I always thought it was because you were my best friend and you're everything I ever wanted, but maybe it's because you're safe. When everything was complete shit at home, I could always come to you. You always made me feel better and I think that's why I got so attached."
Wooyoung hums in agreement.
"I hated seeing you like that, hyung. But you never let me call the police and report it. Why?"
"Why do I do any of the shit I do?" Seonghwa retorts darkly. "Because it's easier for me like this. The pain reminds me I'm not a weak fucking pussy like my father thinks I am."
"Being a punching bag for everyone else doesn't make you a man, hyung." Wooyoung's voice is no longer soft, now just sharp and firm.
"It doesn't make you stronger, no matter how much you tell yourself that."
"Yeah? What does it make me then?"
"Human," Wooyoung explains. "And I think that's what you're most afraid of, like my mother was. She hid her secret away for so long because that pain was easier to endure than stepping out into the light and being exposed. Because if you hold it inside, it's your choice, but if you let it out and the world rejects you, you no longer have control."
Seonghwa grimaces at the truth in those words.
He's had enough of this.
"Wooyoung, just drop it —"
"No, hyung, don't do that shit were you throw a tantrum and try to make me feel like shit for saying the truth. I've watched you sit out on life for far too long, hating yourself for the way you think. I can't stand to let you keep doing this to yourself."
"I'm not doing anything—"
Wooyoung's laugh is biting and dark.
"Oh? So harboring feelings for me but not being honest with me when we start getting intimate is a healthy thing to do? You should've spoken up, should've told me to stop because it means something different to you than it does me and I'm hurting you—"
"I don't care if you're hurting me!" Seonghwa fires back, gripping his phone tightly. "It doesn't matter if you don't want me back!"
"Hyung, that's your problem! You don't care what happens to you, if your body gets broken, if your heart gets shattered. I don't think you've ever really cared if things are difficult and that really worries me."
Seonghwa is tempted to end this call.
He's already had Hongjoong poke at this sensitive subject and he shouldn't have to sit here and listen to it all again.
"It doesn't matter. None of this fucking matters. You just feel like you owe me something because we're friends. That's all. You don't really care what I do."
"How can you say that?" Wooyoung gasps, furious. "Do you not realize that you're like a brother to me, more so than my own brother? Hyung, if I could've taken those beatings for you, I would've. If I could've been the one in that car that night—"
"Don't do this," Seonghwa begs. "Please."
And much to his surprise, Wooyoung doesn't press any further.
They've only talked about the accident a handful of times and each time, Seonghwa never fully admitted to why he was in the car that night.
All his friend knows is that the accident was caused by driving while under the influence, but he didn't know why Seonghwa ended up high and behind the wheel.
He doesn't know all the little things that had slowly suffocated his will to live.
He doesn't know.
"I talked to Hongjoong," Wooyoung admits after a few minutes. "He told me about your date."
Now Seonghwa is really pissed.
How dare the nurse bring Wooyoung into this.
"What the fuck is this? Two parents trying to talk some sense into their reckless teenage son?"
"All he said was that your date wasn't who you thought he was and that he ended up taking you out instead. Said you went to the park and had fun. He told me he thought you were beautiful."
"H-He's just being nice."
Beautiful.
Hongjoong had called him that, but now he was telling other people....
"He's in love with you."
Letting out a frustrated growl, Seonghwa moves to end the call but his friend stops him.
"No, hyung! Listen to me. The way he talks about you, the way he described the date with you— you used to talk about me like that, like I could do no wrong. I don't think he really understands it yet, but remember when you told me about the moment you fell in love with me? How it was just something simmering beneath the surface slowly until it was overwhelming?"
Seonghwa grits his teeth.
He doesn't need to hear this.
It doesn't matter anyway.
"Yeah..."
"Right now, Hongjoong is simmering and I think you are too."
"Me? Wooyoung, it's been two weeks since I've met the guy!"
Wooyoung sighs.
"You may not be reciting poetry and skipping around the apartment out of joy, but you're quieter than normal, more contemplative. When I called about my mom, your words were softer. I'm not there, so I can't say for sure, but I bet you're different. I bet you catch yourself thinking about things a little too much, wishing for things to be different because you think that if they were, then maybe, just maybe, you would have the courage to pursue him."
This is what Seonghwa has been thinking, down to the last detail.
The truth is, had Seonghwa never been in the accident, he would've approached Hongjoong long ago, would have thought he was worthy.
But now, he gets flustered at the simplest of things, turns angry at the smallest show of kindness.
He isn't this person.
There was a time when he was so patient, when he held Wooyoung's hand through his first heartache, cuddled the younger when he was rejected by the dance school he idolized so much.
There was a time when Seonghwa held his tongue, weighed his words, and felt more compassion than any human ever could despite the near daily abuse hiding in the depths of his home.
What had happened to that little boy?
What had lead him to a life of drugs and alcohol, ass up in the air for anyone to take?
Then what happened to that man to make him into this bitter, jaded cripple who despised himself more than his situation, who used his disability as an excuse to flounder in life?
Because truthfully, Hongjoong was right— Seonghwa doesn't give a fuck that he's physically stunted, he cares more that's he's emotionally unavailable and there's nothing he can do about it.
"Hyung, you have a choice between living life or just merely watching it pass you by. Don't be like my mother. Don't hide yourself and suffer until the very end. Believe me, I'll never forget the regret in her eyes."
It's silent then, but Seonghwa breathes louder just to let Wooyoung know that he's still on the line.
His thoughts are racing; he feels so exposed, so raw.
But as always, his friend had seen right through him, had delivered the truth, harsh but necessary.
"What do I do now?" Seonghwa finally asks.
"If you want, let him in a little and then see how you feel. But don't give up on yourself, hyung. You deserve that much."
"Wooyoung," Seonghwa breathes out, trying hard not cry. "I love you. And not just in the way I used to. I—"
"I know, hyung." Wooyoung sounds like he's smiling. "You don't have to explain it."
Seonghwa laughs, wiping at his eyes.
He's so grateful for his bitchy, amazing best friend.
"Now, go get that dick, hyung!" Wooyoung exclaims.
With a groan, Seonghwa burrows himself further in the bed.
"You just had to ruin it."